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(AKA cliches, bad jokes, or just plain nonsense)
Click on the links to go to a certain episode's bad quotes.
[Pilot] [Heat] [Flushed] [C.R.E.A.M.]
[411 On The DL] [Prodigy] [Cold Comfort]
[Blah Blah, Woof Woof] [Out] [Red] [Art Attack]
[Rising] [The Kidz Are Aiight] [Female Trouble]
[Haven] [Shorties in Love] [Pollo Loco]
[I And I Am A Camera] [Meow] [And Jesus Brought A Casserole]
LOGAN: I was expecting someone else.
MAX: Guess it wasn't the pizza delivery guy.
MAX: Personally, I'm more interested in going fast on my motorcycle than giving myself a headache over stuff I can't do anything about.
MAX: Take a header into the deep end when the pool's empty, you're going to go splat. Law of gravity. And even Jesus Christ himself had to obey the law of gravity . . . for a while, anyway.
LOGAN: My mother used to say, "The universe is right on schedule. Everything happens the way it's supposed to."
HERBAL: But when the most high cause a package to fall from my bike and bust open and reveal this kind of wickedness, I and I can't bury my head in the sand like an ostrich.
(Note: in general, anything Herbal says makes me groan – this is just a good example)
MAX: Blowing up my pager, it better be major.
DRIVER: Come here. What's your name, doll face?
MAX: Why do you want to know? You a playa playa from the Himalayas?
DRIVER: Yeah. Yeah, that's me.
MAX: I got to whisper it, 'cause it's kind of dopey.
MAX: Black and white for the whole world to see. It's like opening the paper and finding my panties.
MAX: Since you're handing out money, Santa, I've been a good girl.
MAX: (to the dog) Let's get one thing straight. I'm the leader of the pack. Back off!
TANAKA: Now, what if I told you that what you referred to is already written in the genetic code and that, if I snipped here, grafted here and used some of your own RNA to seal the graft you could throw away your glasses?
LYDECKER: You would be my hero.
LOGAN: In case you haven't caught on, this girl is gonna do what she's gonna do no matter what you or anyone else says. So, you've got two choices - back off or pitch in.
LYDECKER: It was the best of you that ran away that night.
MAX: Yeah, well, we wanted to start a rock band.
LOGAN: How did you leave it with Zack?
MAX: He grunted something that sounded like good-bye and then disappeared into the night.
LOGAN: Well, you should cut him some slack. He probably had a rotten childhood.
MAX: Hey! What did I say was going to happen if I caught you peeping again?
GUY: I can't help it, Max. You're so the bomb.
MAX: Kaboom! (knees him in the nuts)
LOUISE: Have you been waiting long?
NORMAL: Only a lifetime.
MAX (knocks out the pilot and brings the plane to a stop): Turbulence.
LOGAN: Where are you?
MAX: I was in heaven but you're bringing me right back down to earth with this whole "urgent tone" thing.
BRUNO: So from what I remember, you can hold your breath for quite a long time. You know, guys pay a lot of money for that.
BRUNO: Well, like the duck said to the working girl, put it on my bill.
BRUNO: I'm gonna take a shower.
MAX: Take your best shot, but some dirt just doesn't wash off.
BRUNO: Come on, I just would like a glass of ice water to put on my bedside table at night.
MAX: So open a vein.
MAX: Don’t talk to me about snooty. With my DNA I’m pretty much a blood relative to everybody who’s been anybody, ever. Winston Churchill . . . Einstein . . . Pocahontas.
WOMAN: So, have you worked in insurance before?
ORIGINAL CINDY: Technically speaking, no. But remember back in school when you used to play the dozens?
WOMAN: I'm sorry?
ORIGINAL CINDY: You know, trading insults. Like, your breath's so bad, when people call you on the phone they hang up. I happen to be blessed with mad verbal skills. Kids used to pay me cash money to come up with dis they could use. So, in a way, I guess you could say I sold insurance against catastrophic tongue failure.
ORIGINAL CINDY: Boo, you're dwelling too much on things that ain't party-related.
SEBASTIAN: My guess is they want you so they can harvest your ova.
MAX: Like being girl isn't hard enough . . . They want me to be mommy to a whole army of these guys.
NORMAL: Well, well, well. Someone's who's two hours late for work looks like they were a dirty little party girl last night. My God, girl, look at your eyes. What have you been drinking, gasoline?
MAX: I had to have radical emergency amateur brain surgery to remove a nano-chip from my cerebellum before I stroked out from a neuro-chemical overload.
MAX: You're going to have to take it slow.
LOGAN (with an extremely slutty look on his face): I don't want to take it slow, I want to go fast.
BLING: Yeah, but things are different now. The gun is loaded . . .if you know what I mean.
ZACK: Guess so. Let's hope miracles come in two because you're going to need one to keep from getting caught.
DOCTOR: Nervous?
LOGAN: I don’t like needles. Or heights. Or spiders.
LYDECKER: If you called to beg, all the orders have been signed. It’s out of my hands. But if you want to turn yourself in, I could use your body for research.
VERTES: You used to use it for a whole lot more than that.
JACE: Because I am dumb! I am so damned dumb it would take ten acts of divine providence to raise me to the sublime height of blissful ignorance, sir!
LOGAN: You got a problem?
B.C.: No, man, I ain't got no problem. I'm just enjoying the view.
LOGAN: Why don't you go enjoy the view from your cave?
MAX: I guess Logan must've figured it out. You can get more than you bargain for when you go looking for where the bodies are buried. Even when they're not buried after all. They say you can't raise the dead. But sometimes, if you're prepared to go through a little bit of hell, maybe you can.
MAX: I bet. How come you didn't talk about her before?
ORIGINAL CINDY: There's some things that words just can't explain.
LOGAN: Yeah, the gun came back to a guy with nine different aliases hooked up with an outfit called the “Nomads.”
MAX: And I'm guessing they aren't a speed-metal band.
LOGAN: Here's the CEO. His name is . . .
MAX: Satan. We've met.
MAX (grabs the assistant from behind): How about a little adjustment?
DESTRY: Thing about carrying around secrets is . . . they have a tendency to get heavier.
MAX: See now, you shouldn't have done that 'cause even though he's a drunken idiot, he happens to be a friend and I gotta kick your ass.
KID #2: Dead guy under there.
KID: We know. He's the foul line.
MAX: Say goodnight, Hal.
MAX: I hope you're as good as you look, soldier 'cause I'm not a girl who takes disappointment lying down.
MAX: I'm going to put 600 CCs of raw power between my legs. Gotta clear my head.
ORIGINAL CINDY: Now, you gonna have to step to the real about you and Logan, sooner or later, or your little head's going to explode. But what do I know? I'm just a big 'ol lesbo.
ZACK: Looks like I caught you at a bad time. You want to go save Tinga or has something more urgent come up?
ZACK: I don't like it.
LYDECKER: There is no "I" in "team," Zack.
(The computer scans the eyeball and flashes “APPROVED.”)
MAX: I guess there's an "I" in "team."