One of the chiefs of the non-existant Hobbit Mafia ready to "diffuse the situation."

June 8, 2004

ISENGARD and MORIA, Middle Earth— Everyone was Kung Fu fighting...and then everyone was suspended. The Dom-Land Caribou ended their match against the Fighting Uruk-Hai in a 0-0 tie. The game had to be called after two periods due to multiple misconducts, blood on the ice and depleted rosters.

"We got them," said a slightly maniacal Frodo at the post-game press conference, "we got them real' good."

Despite adamant denials of the existence of a "Hobbit Mafia," and innocent looks when bootleg Sopranos DVDs were discovered in the back of the Caribou bus, the hobbit contigent seemed intent on exacting payback for Lurtz's attack on Pippin's...Hello Kitty doll.

In true hockey tradition, Lurtz was challenged to a fight by one of the Caribou, in this case Merry who at one point almost won the fight by throwing the puck at the Uruk.

"Everyone knows hobbits throw a mean puck," said an unusually gabby Frodo.

"Not unlike ewoks," murmured Gandalf.

"Hey!" said the four hobbits.

The Merry-Lurtz fight, due to enormous size differences, almost ended predictably until Pippin jumped in. Then one-by-one the rest of the players on the ice paired off to do-si-do including Gandalf and the Uruk goalie, Grskkshrshggg.

But things really got exciting when Caribou tough-guy Sam leaped off the bench to join the fracas.

"I saw what was going on on the ice," said Sam, "and I thought I'd go out there and diffuse the situation.*"

By breaking out his "Jackie Chan" skills.

In fact, it seemed as if suddenly all four hobbits transformed into a confused mish mash of martial-arts movies. And it seemed contagious. The benches cleared and it was all-out insanity for 20 minutes before officials could even begin to sort things out.

At one point, Boromir smacked Urkghrkrhrk with his fist, and when that didn't work, Gimli's helmet. When that didn't work, he had to brandish a broken goalie stick to fend the Uruk off.

In the end, the game had to be called since every player who jumped off either bench was automatically up for a suspension pending league review. The other players would've had to sit in the box, leaving no one to actually play hockey. The ice was also a total mess due to kung-fu kicking hobbits and gooey Uruk-Hai "blood."

The Uruk-Hai claim that the hobbits had been planning this "payback" since their last meeting.

Although the Caribou vehemently deny this was a premeditated or even coordinated attack, hundreds of Jackie Chan DVDs were found at the back of the Caribou bus under the Sopranos DVDs, as well as a battered Tae-Bo video.

"We got that from Legolas,'" said Pippin.

"You did not, you little oompa loompa," replied the prince of Mirkwood.

And then the League suspended both teams, which meant that the Caribou had to forfeit their game against the Moria Orcs.

Next up for the Caribou is a disciplinary hearing followed by a protest hearing.

*Thank you Adam Mair for this singularly boneheaded quote. I think you're kinda cute anyway.

NOTES: For some reason, it's been rather difficult for Bubbles to update on Fridays, so from now on, DL updates will take place on Saturdays, Bubbles' Standard Time, which is Sunday for most of the rest of the world. Sorry about that.

NOTES II: Last night I watched Wolver-Helsing gyrate around in gold lamé pants and a see-thru leopard print shirt. My brain is permantly set to TRAUMA. (Not that he wasn't good, but comic books and musical theatre are mutually exlusive in my mind.)

NOTES III: Sorry this update is so late. To make up for it, here's a funny picture of a cat and a car.

NOTES IV: Congrats to Martin St. Louis et. al. Condolences to Jarome Iginla et. al. (If it makes you feel better, I think you got shafted in game 6.)

NOTES V: I'm better now. Thank you to the lovely people who wrote in!

What Player from the Dom-Land Caribou Are You?
quiz by Shmadyle

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