5 Ways to Screw-Up Christmas Shopping

#1) Do Your Christmas Shopping Online!

The world is full of crooked shepherds looking to fleece the flock, however, the majority of them don't know who you are. Furthermore, they don't know where you are and more importantly, how to take your money away! However, thanks to the Internet, broken down petty crooks with zero intelligence can formulate effective scams that can affect anyone with a computer and a Net connection. The World Wide Web is a den of door-to-door salesmen. The only difference between our encounters with virtual salesmen and the creepy guy who knocks on our door is the fact that usually, we are the ones who knock on their door. We usually arrive at their sheep sheering site via hyperlink with credit card in hand begging to be victimized!

#2) Do Your Shopping at The Last Possible Moment!

Here's and oldie, but a goodie, follow the time honored tradition of shopping on the day before Christmas! Of course if you're laughing right now, you've probably done this before and will end up doing it again. In fact, you're probably a guy and adhere to this practice religiously. My apologies if you are a woman, I don't mean to be gender biased, but it has been my experience that this is more of a male phenomenon than a female one.

There we are on Christmas Eve, huddled up around the last gadget by "Ron Popeil" left in the "Kmart" discount bin, trying to see who will blink first. Suddenly, as if the clock struck high noon, a quick draw of hands all fumble for the goods, but all come up empty except one. That lucky customer jogs wistfully to the checkout with the theme from "The Magnificent Seven" playing through speakers that usually echo elevator tunes. Amazingly, you can enjoy this same exhilarating experience using your computer and the Internet. That's right, your goods (unlike a computer virus) don't magically download to your hard drive or system memory, you actually have to wait for "snail-mail" to deliver the trinkets and bobbles you purchase. There you are, waiting by the door like a Scottish Terrier anxious for its master to rattle the door lock with a key. Only it's the UPS guy you're soiling the floor in anticipation of!

#3) Buy Merchandise Out Of The Trunk Of A Car!

Buying a 24KT Santo Gold watch bejeweled with 1/2KT worth of genuine Diamonique stones (complete with certificate of authenticity) out of the automobile trunk of Sammy "the fence" is not a smart idea. Most people know this, and choose to make their purchases in a more legitimate setting and with a more reputable merchant. However, the Web is full of Sammy "the fence" wanna-be's. It is easy for them to create a decent or even professional looking Web site that gives off the appearance of being on the level. Therefore, It's not difficult for them to sell junk from the trunk of their tricked-out Elderado Web site. They can take advantage of unsuspecting consumers who are familiar with sizing up merchant facilities and merchants themselves, not Web sites and Web authors.

#4) Don't Check Merchant Policies until You Need To Return The Goods!

Remember last year when you bought that shirt for a friend and it was two sizes too small? In addition to that revelation, upon opening the gift your friend blurted out "Oh my God, is that an actual color?" You took it back to the point of purchase and asked for a refund, but the customer service representative told you they don't give refunds. You became enraged and exclaimed, "That's ridiculous"! The CSR pointed to a sign on the counter (and all the other counters) that states "No refunds or credits". That's right your only option is to exchange it for another one of a larger size and perhaps a less nauseating color (usually not available).

The Internet is filled with Web sites that either don't have merchant policies or they are not clearly displayed. What's worse is that most consumers don't even look for them before they decide to make a purchase. You think it's hard to return merchandise to a fly-by-night retailer, try making a return to a virtual retailer. You send them email but they don't reply. You find their contact page complete with street address and it is in another country. Their phone number only gets you a message box. That's a pretty jacked-up situation and in grand old "Ebenezer Scrooge" fashion, I say "bah-humbug" to that predicament.

#5) Send Photo Christmas Cards Instead! (My personal favorite)

I can't think of anything that gets me more in the Christmas spirit than receiving a holiday greeting card that bares the picture of someone's rug-rat who always seems to be missing teeth. Even more endearing is the thoughtfulness of someone who decided that the entire tribe needed to be immortalized in the photo as well. That's right, mom and dad complete with their ensemble cast of drooling, snaggletooth young'uns, all sporting Christmas attire straight from the GAP. Each one adorned with a haircut that you're sure is courtesy of the "Flobie" you sent them last Christmas, they couldn't possibly look more "Norman Rockwell" if he had painted the picture himself!

The Web has its own version of this snail-mail tradition. You guessed it, you can now invade cyber-space with the ET look-a-like photos of your kids. With the stroke of a few keys you can make every single member of your circle of family and friends regret giving you their email address. You can bet they're about as happy to see your virtual greeting card as they are to receive Aunt Selma's famous (infamous) fruitcake. Just like the fruitcake, your virtual greeting is likely to infect the innards of something important. Especially if you don't remove the virus that's been on your hard drive for two weeks. There's no better way to say "I love you" than an email transmitted virus disguised as a harmless file attachment that piggy-backs a ride in on a virtual Christmas card.