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The Leakie Report on Olives |
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SCENE 1 INT. THE STUDIO SET. DAY. The set is two easy chairs in front of a large show logo "LEAKIE REPORTS with Barry Leakie" Barry is grafted into one of the chairs. Gooday. It's Leakie here. Barry Leakie. I'm a retired politician. But before I left Federal Parliament I socked away a whole swag of secret government documents. Confidential reports, Cabinet Briefing papers, internal departmental minutes, memos and background documents. White papers, Reports from Commissions of enquiry, cheque stubs. You name it. I've got enough dirt stashed away on enough public figures to keep me on easy street forever. And each week on this show I'll be leaking one of these documents. So lets get started. Here's an old CSIRO report. Now it's easy to be cynical about some of these reports you see in government, but that would be a mistake because an incredible amount of work can go into even the most flawed report. This one is a good example: A study by the CSIRO into using sheep Now this was a truly inspired idea. Try this. Taste test an olive... [EATS IT]. And a sheep turd... [EATS IT] And be honest. Which tastes better. That's right. In 99 out of a hundred blindfold tests the turd comes out on top. The humble sheep turd has only one natural disadvantage. [PUTS ONE IN A DRINK] When placed in a martini they tend to flake and break up. [CU OF TURD DISSOLVING] [DRINKS IT] Ah! That hits the spot. So it was only natural the CSIRO should look at ways of harnessing this great natural resource; the sheep turd. SCENE 2 EXT. OLD CINESOUND NEWSREEL FOOTAGE DAY. STIRRING CINESOUND MUSIC. [HERDS OF SHEEP] It's shearing time down on the farm. [THE SHEARING SHED] Off comes the golden fleece cornerstone of Australia's wealth. [SHEARING. THE FLEECE IS THROWN ON THE TABLE] But there is a second crop our sheep produce. [A SHEEP RAISES IT'S TAIL AND PRODUCES A STREAM OF PELLETS] There are more sheep in Australia than people and they're all busy. [MONTAGE OF SHEEP PELLETS HITTING THE GROUND] [END OF CINESOUND SECTION] SCENE 3 EXT. THE ADELAIDE OVAL. DAY. SCENE 4 EXT. A GOVERNMENT EXPERIMENTAM FARM. DAY. Here, in 1986 at the CSIRO experimental farm at Herpdale a program was begun to try and make use of this ovine output. [HOLDS OUT HAND FULL OF SHEEP TURDS] SCENE 5 EXT. A PADDOCK WITH SHEEP. DAY. Sheep were fed a cocktail of antibiotics to kill off all intestinal flora. [WRESTLING WITH SHEEP TRYING TO GET IT TO DRINK A TEST-TUBE OF CHEMICALS] The sheep were then fed a controlled, sterilised diet and the turds collected. [SCIENTIST RUNNING BEHIND SHEEP WITH A FUNNEL TRYING TO CATCH THE DROPPINGS IN A CAN.] SCENE 6 INT. A LAB. DAY. The droppings are sterilised and irradiated to ensure they're totally safe to eat. The result is quite nutritious. [EATS ONE] And quite tasty. But the work didn't stop there. SCENE 7 EXT. A PADDOCK WITH SHEEP. DAY. By varying the sheep's input [FRONT OF SHEEP] The scientists were able to vary the sheep's output. [REAR OF SHEEP. LIFTS SHEEP'S TAIL, SHEEP FARTS] SCENE 8 INT. A LAB [AS FOR SC 6]. DAY. [SHOWING CONTAINERS OF DIFFERENT FLAVOURED TURDS] And here are the results. Lemon flavoured turds, strawberry, raspberry, chocolate of course, and my favourite, Chardonay. [EATS ONE] Mmmmm! But the real raison d'etre of the whole project was to produce an olive substitute. A chocolate flavoured turd, however desirable is no substitute for the true olive. And here the program hit a snag. It turned out the only way to produce a true olive flavoured turd was to feed the sheep real olives. SCENE 9 INT. COMPUTING CENTRE. DAY. When the numbers were crunched through this mainframe computer it was found the sheep needed to ingest 8 real olives to produce one olive flavoured turd. Clearly uneconomic. SCENE 10 INT. A LAB [AS FOR SC 6] DAY. SCIENTIST WORKING But work continued in this lab and one morning in a drunken stupor a scientist discovered the answer. (DOING CROSSWORD, KNOCKS YOGHURT OFF SHELF INTO BOILING BEAKER] A nine letter word for laboratory accident. (BEAKER BUBBLES) A nine letter word for laboratory accident. SCENE 11 EXT. B/W LIBRARY FILM: EXPLOSION. DAY. USE A STOCK BIT OF FILM OF A MULTI STORY BUILDING BEING IMPLODED. SCENE 12 INT. A LAB. DAY. The lab is totally wrecked. (GETS IT) Explosion. (BLACKENED FROM EXPLOSION) Yoghourt. A small quantity of Garlic Yoghourt mixed in with the olives reduced the number of real olives required from eight to just six. Suddenly the manufacture of artificial olives was commercially viable. [HOLDS UP OLIVE] The perfect olive turd. Indistinguishable from the real thing. SCENE 13 INT. STUDIO. DAY. Hang on Uncle Barry. Hang on. We're talking to Angela, University economist and my sisters child. Uncle Barry, the figures just don't add up. In what way. You said the aim of the program was import replacement. That's right. Well then you're using 6 olives to replace one. That's a net loss of five olives. You're five olives worse off than when you started. Isn't that marvellous. It's typical muddy university, elitist, Ivory tower thinking. Wake up Angela. (HITS HER ON THE HEAD) Step out into the real world. Uncle Barry, you were importing one olive, now you're importing six. That's ridiculous. Wrong wrong wrong. You're totally ignoring the impact of government subsidies. The government subsidy is seven olives. Not five. Got that Angela. Seven. Not five. The farmer has used six olives, produced one and been paid for seven. He's clearly two olives better off. But you're still importing five more olives than you were before. I'm sorry Angela. You're repeating yourself. I'm going to have to cut you off. (TAKES HER MICROPHONE) Let's look instead at another facet of the investigation into the Australian sheep turd. Possibly it's most crucial aspect. That is, the way the humble sheep turd could revolutionise the army. This was a complete shambles from the beginning Now Angela be fair. Well it's pretty stupid. Trying to investigate the military uses of the humble sheep turd. Really. SCENE INT A LAB. DAY. Any issue, approached logically from a scientific standpoint is capable of resolution. Lets examine the humble sheep dropping. A turd this size, projected at 25,000 feet per second will impact the target with a militarily significant wallop at a fraction of the cost of a conventional bullet. To problem is to find a way to project the sheep turd towards the enemy. In other words my brief was to replace this... (HOLDS UP BULLET) With this (HOLDS UP TURD) Basically there are two discrete problems. Acceleration, and terminal velocity. To take the last one first. The problem here is the aggregate nature of the turd. Fibrous, mainly plant matter. At any respectable velocity the sheer air turbulence is going to cause the turd to disintegrate and quickly shed velocity and effectiveness. To overcome this (DRAWS BULLET ON BLACKBOARD) We encased the turd in a thin aerodynamic casing. But there remained the first problem. Acceleration. The forces of gravity applied to the turd during the first phase of it's flight from the barrel of the gun were to great. We needed to replace the turd component of the projectile with something more massive; less fragile...lead, for example. (SCRUBS OUT THE WORD 'TURD' FROM THE CENTRE OF THE BULLET AND FILLS IN THE OUTLINE WITH A SOLID SHADING.) Then we added a solid propellant, an igniter and a case to hold it all. (ADDS THESE TO THE DRAWING) And voila! The end result. As a replacement for this... (HOLDS UP BULLET) we came up with this. (HOLDS UP ANOTHER BULLET) (THE PENNY DROPS) Ah. SCENE INT. STUDIO. DAY. As you can see the whole project was a complete waste of money. I don't know about that. At least we know now you can't use turds as bullets. A more successful line of enquiry was the use of sheep turds as an instrument of torture. SCENE. 15 INT. A DARKENED ROOM. A victim in a chair. A single light shines in the victim's face. Alright. No more Mr Nice Guy. (SNAPS ON A RUBBER GLOVE. TOWERS OVER WOMAN TIED TO CHAIR) You will tell me everything or.... I will stick this up your nose. (THREATENS HER WITH SHEEP TURD) No Noooo! Unfortunately this technique doesn't work well with members of the Country Party. (TOWERING OVER A MEMBER OF THE COUNTRY PARTY WHO IS TIED TO A CHAIR: CORK FRINGED HAT ASKEW, AND ONE SHEEP TURD ALREADY SHOVED UP ONE NOSTRIL) I'm warning you. I'll stick one up your other nostril Oh yes. Please do. (INHALES DEEPLY) Yes, yes, yes.... SCENE 16 INT. STUDIO. DAY. Uncle Barry... Shut up Ang. One of the regular features on this show was going to be Angela's mum. My sister. Fortunately, due to budget restraints this has not been possible. Angela will do that segment, won't you Ang. Angie's Handy Household Hints. What's the use of relatives I say, if you can't exploit 'em. That's what I tell people, anyway. So let's cross to Ang for some handy household hints on how you can use the humble ovine turd. SCENE 17 INT. STUDIO. HANDY HINTS SET. DAY. (WEARING A HAT WITH SHEEP TURDS IN PLACE OF CORKS) Thank you Uncle Barry. Now I've got a hat full of handy household hints here today. The humble sheep dropping has a marvellous aroma and texture and there are literally hundreds of uses for them around the house. [THROWS SOME IN THE BOTTOM OF A WARDROBE] Spread them in the bottom of your wardrobe. They give your clothes that authentic Australian smell. And if you want to go that one step further you can rub them in the armpits of your husbands jacket, (DOES SO) or around the crotch of his trousers. (DOES SO) Preferably when he's not wearing them. Uncle Barry this is obscene... Just shut up and read the cue cards. But... Do it. ...Around the crotch of his trousers. (DOES SO) And it really does give him that manly Outback air I think you'll agree. Or if you'd like to give your whole house that sunburnt Australian ambience try threading them on an incense stick. 3 or 4 spaced along the stick like this will really impress guests in your home. Light them half an hour before a party and stand half a dozen of them around the home in milk bottles for maximum effect. This idea was sent to us by the Australian Country Party Women's Auxiliary and it really is pure Australiana. Now at Christmas time you might want to try this (PINS TURDS TO CHRISTMAS PUDDING) With a few gum leaves they can make simple Christmas pudding decorations. [SHOWS DOLLS] And on the crafty side of things sheep droppings make great eyes for dolls. [A ROW OF DOLLS OF THE CHARACTERS FROM "WIND IN THE WILLOWS"] Here we have some characters from "Wind in the Willows". Ratty, Mole, and... Do I have to say it? Of course you have to say it. Just say it. Ratty, Mole and Turd of Turd Hall. SCENE 18 INT. STUDIO. DAY. Let's move on and have a look at another issue. This report by the CSIRO into the use of sheep dropping as an olive substitute wasn't really an expensive exercise as research projects go. The total budget was a paltry 63 million. Of that, actual expenditure by scientists on research was a mere 1.2 million. The big ticket item and the most vital, with a line cost of 61.8 million in the budget was of course, Market Research. Market research? People continually under estimate the importance of market research. Take the banana. (HOLDS UP A BANANA) ANGELA TAKES IT Thank you. Metaphorically. (TAKES IT BACK) The CSIRO spent millions of dollars developing a straight banana. A banana without a kink. The savings in packaging and processing were potentially enormous. But the project failed. People just wouldn't buy a straight banana. Now if they had conducted a little market research, (HOLDS THE BANANA AT A PHALLIC ANGLE AND WAVES IT AT ANGELA) they may very well have been able to find out why women prefer the original shape. Nothing suggests itself to you? I wouldn't hazard a guess. Not without extensive market research. How much would that cost. Oh eight... ten... Million? Million. Uncle B... (LEAKIE UNPLUGS HER) Pay no attention to her. In the scheme of things 8 to ten million is very reasonable for the market research component of a project. And in this case 60 million... 60 million! Sixty one point eight million. (BARRY UNPLUGS HER) Sixty one point eight million. It's still very reasonable That's just a preliminary survey, of course. A preliminary survey? Yes. That wouldn't give you and answer. No. About the banana. (HOLDS UP THE BANANA) No. But it would put us in the right ball park. And without that you wouldn't have any idea. None at all. You wouldn't even hazard a guess. Nope. You'd just be groping around in the dark. That's it. Uncle B... (BARRY UNPLUGS HER) Let's move on here. In this show I've tried to get the common touch. The opinion of the man in the street. The working stiff. (TAKES THE BANANA OFF ANGELA. PUTS IT AWAY) To express that point of view - the view of the common man - I've employed my son. There's nobody more common than he is. In fact he's been a great disappointment to me. But, I've got to give him his chance. Here he is. Claude. SCENE 19 EXT. WITH HIS COMMONWEALTH CAR. DAY. Me dad's Barry Leakie. He got me this job as a commonwealth driver? You know. It's great. You get to drive around? Going brrrrrmmmm brrrrrmmm brrrrrmmmmm. (PAUSE) Brrrrmmmm, brrrmmmmm. That was a traffic light. You have to stop for those. My dad told me. I'm an extra safe driver. I always stop for the traffic lights. Even when they're green. You can't be too safe on the roads dad says. I'm getting better all the time, too. I don't drive on the footpath any more. SCENE 20 INT. STUDIO. DAY. Good Gawd Claude. As I said. A great disappointment. A great disappointment. Still. I don't have to pay him. I'm talking to the Minister for Shonky Research, the right honourable Arnott Klemp MP. Gooday Arnie. Gooday Baz. You're looking well. You too, Arnie. Tell me what can I do for you. Well, Arnie I wanted to ask you about this report. (PASSES IT TO KLEMP) Oh yes, that one. It always struck me that it was incredibly cheap for a government research project. Only $63 million. Only $63 million. That's can't be right. (TAKES REPORT FROM BARRY) No. I didn't think it could be right. (LEAFING THROUGH REPORT) No it can't possibly be right. We got a new pencil sharpener for the PM's office the other day. It cost more than that. I can imagine. Considerably more. Ah!. There. I told you. (POINTS TO PAGE.) What is it Arnie. Thought you had the figures wrong. You left out Departmental Administration expenses. Of course. Departmental Administration expenses. Departmental Administration adds in another $99 million. Raising the cost of the entire project from $63 million to $162 million. A much more realistic figure. Thanks for clearing that up Arnie. $99 million for Administration? My niece Angela. Works at the university. Knows nothing. Ignore her. Exactly what sort of Administration cost $99 million? Proper administration. You don't want us wasting public money, do you? Of course not Arnie. Ignore her. You don't want us handing out public monies willy nilly without being sure its spent wisely, do you? No, of course not. Ignore her. Well then as the minister I'm responsible and I've got to be seen to be responsible. Every dollar spent by the department has to be spent properly. And the only way to guarantee that is to assign a public servant to watch every dollar. Look. (PULLS OUT A DOLLAR) A PUBLIC SERVANT STEPS OUT FROM BEHIND A POT PLANT AND STANDS WATCHING THE DOLLAR) Who's he? One of our departmental accountants. He's assigned to this dollar. (HE FLIPS THE COIN. THE ACCOUNTANT WATCHES IT CLOSELY GOING UP AND DOWN) His job is to follow this dollar where ever it goes and ensure it is spent correctly in accordance with departmental directives. Uncle Barry. Watch this. (HE PULLS OUT ANOTHER DOLLAR. A SECOND PUBLIC SERVANT APPEARS.) That's his dollar? That's right. And he'll guard it with his life. Try and take it off me. Go on. (THE ACCOUNTANT PULLS OUT A UZI MACHINE PISTOL) No thanks. Very wise. Watch this. (PERFORMS A BIT OF LEGERDEMAIN MIXING UP THE TWO COINS. That's mine. And that's mine. You can't fool 'em. Uncle Barry, this is madness. Will you belt up, Angela. But Unc... I'm sorry Arnie. Her mother was locked in a cage for three hours with a mountain gorilla. It explains a lot. The gorilla never recovered. Uncle Barry this is economic nonsense. You can't run a government department this way. What if you had a ten dollar note. Or a fifty. Congenital. Shall I show her? Wouldn't bother meself. Don't tell me. You've got a ten dollar note. No. But I do have a cheque for $5,000. SCENE 21 EXT FILM FOOTAGE" BRAVEHEART". DAY. THE CHARGING WOADED SCOTS FROM "BRAVEHEART". SCENE 22 INT. NEW FLASH. DAY. There was chaos at the channel ..... television studios today when a government minister carelessly flashed a $5,000 cheque. Twenty people were injured in a stampedes of government accountants. SCENE 23 INT. STUDIO. DAY. In the end, of course, there was a report to government and the project was concluded. Interestingly the report did trigger a further government report, and when I went to look up this report I was apprised of a strange fact by the parliamentary librarian, Ms Gallup Frothring. Ms Gallup is with us here in the studio. Could you explain Ms Gallup. Of course, Barry. It's an interesting fact that every report to government seems to spawn a subsequent report. The corollary of that, of course, is that every report has a preceding report. Of course. The interesting thing is to see how far back this unbroken chain of reports extends. And you've been investigating this. That's right. We've produced a report. Of course. And you've reached the end of the search. The very first report. No. This is in the nature of an interim report. Ah. But we have turned up some interesting facts. For instance. One of the earliest reports we've managed to turn up for example dates back to the time of the Roman Empire. Ancient Rome. This report is entitled: "An enquiry into the advantages and desirability of being eaten by a lion." A lion? Yes. It was evidently produced to the Emperor to try and convince the Christians that being eaten by lions wasn't such a bad thing. I presume this spawned a further report. It did. This report entitled: "A report from St Paul and the Christian community on the desirability of sticking a lion up the emperor's arse." That seems a logical response. It throws an interesting new light on the origins of the Christian Church I think. And St Paul. Yes. Now research methods were entirely different in those days weren't they. That's right Barry. Obviously the report writers did not have access to our modern tools of statistical analysis or anything like that. Gathering data for the Imperial reports was a much more basic proccess. We've put together a little clip here to illustrate the approach. This is a reconstuction of the hearings before the Commissioners who wrote this report: "An enquiry into the advantages and desirability of being eaten by a lion." SCENE 24 INT. A DUNGEON. DAY. A GUARD IS LASHING SCREAMING PRISONERS. SCENE 25 STUDIO Not much has changed since Roman times then. No. How about St Paul and the Christians. How did they go about compiling their report. That's not entirely clear. Most of the Christians were eaten before they could commit their thoughts to paper. And the rest couldn't write anyway. But what has survived is the opinion of the lions. SCENE 26 EXT. LION PARK. DAY. A LION OPENS HIS MOUTH AND EMITS A HUGE LOUD BURP. SCENE 27 INT. STUDIO DAY. But these weren't the earliest reports you've found. Not by any means. There are many earlier, and many more interesting. Unfortunately, though, we're out of time. Perhaps we could get you back again another day. Thank you. Well it's time to wrap the show up but before we go you're probably wondering what ever happened to the Australian olive flavoured turd? Can you buy them in you local supermarket? Is this another great export earner for Australia? Sadly the answer in no. In the end the whole project was dropped at a total cost to the tax-payer of some 162 million dollars. 1.2 million for scientific research. 61.8 million for market research. and 99 million for government administration. Why was the project dropped? It seemed the Americans were developing their own artificial olive from Texan cow pats and the Department of Foreign Affairs didn't want us to be seen to be competing with our major ally. A crucial consideration. So while on the face of it this was a potentially controversial report, once you look into it I think you will agree the money was well spent. We now know a great deal more than when the project began. SCENE 24 INT. A LAB. DAY. I think the money was well spent. We now know a great deal more about the olive and the turd than we did before the project began. SCENE 25 INT. STUDIO. DAY. KLEMP I think we know a darn sight more than we did before the project began. Yes. Definitely. How much more? About 162 million more. Yea. That'ud be about it. This is Barry Leakie. Join me again next week when Leakie Reports. And remember: When it's Leakie on the job, you're in trouble. copyright (c) 26/12/1999
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