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The Leakie Report on Flowers |
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SCENE 1 THE STUDIO SET. Barry s sitting in his comfy armchair in the studio set. across from him in the hot seat, as it were, is his neice, Angela. LEAKIE Gooday. It's Leakie here. ANGELA And I'm Angela. LEAKIE Shut up Angie. Speak when you're spoken to. Not before. I'm a retired politician. And each week on this show we'll be looking into some secret government report. Examining, as it were, the entrails of government. This week we have a top secret report that was commissioned by the department of agriculture and it's quite a revelation. ANGELA Yes Uncle Barry. It's amazing how sexist and politically incorrect government departments can still be. Even in the ninties. LEAKIE Angela. ANGELA Yes, Uncle Barry. LEAKIE Shut up or I'll unplug your microphone. ANGELA Sorry. LEAKIE University background. Doesn't know any better, poor kid. So. Today we're examining the Department of Agriculture's report into the production and marketing of plant genitalia. (UNPLUGS ANGELA'S MIC. SHE TRIES TO SAY SOMETHING BUT TO NO AVAIL) We all know that you can turn any woman loose in a garden and within seconds she's running around ripping the genitals off plants. (cont) LEAKIE Women are wierd like that. What joy there is in emasculating a vegetable I do not know. But women, well, they're fixated on plant genitalia. Want to get your leg over? Give your girl some plant genitals. (ANGIE LOOKS DISGUSTED. SAYS SOMETHING BUT THERE'S NO SOUND) And there's more. Women love to smell plant genitals. Give 'em a bunch of plant genitalia and they'll stick their nose right in there. I tell 'em you should be careful doing that. You don't know where they've been. They could have been having it off with a bee. And what if the bee has AIDS? SCENE 2 DOCUMENTARY SECTION (B & W) (GARDENS AND FLOWERS) V.O. Spring is in the air and right across the nation plants are exposing themselves. (ALMOND BLOSSOM) In a flood of sexual frenzy not seen since this time last year its genitalia, genitalia everywhere. SCENE 3 EXT. OUTSIDE POLICE HQ. DAY. Angela is interviewing the Police Commisioner POLICE COMMISSIONER I was walking to work this morning and a bed of chrysanthemum flashed their genitals at me. Naturally I arrested them. ANGELA But they're plants. POLICE COMMISSIONER That's no excuse. If some pervert in a raincoat waved his willy at me coming out of the railway station you would expect me to do my duty and beat him to a pulp. Plants are no different. They won't get any special treatment from this police force. SCENE 4 STUDIO LEAKIE The problem of women and plant genatalia has been with us for a long time. In Victorian England the matter was debated in the house of lords. An act was even introduced to outlaw the sniffing of roses. But the act failed to gain the royal assent. SCENE 5 QUEEN VICTORIA ON HER THRONE QUEEN VICKY Ladies just don't do that sort of thing. SCENE 6 STUDIO LEAKIE In fact an entire industry has grown up around the production and distribution of plant genitalia. This report looks into that industry. Examines the whole sordid business. For a start what is it that attracts women to the genitals of plants. SCENE 7 INTERVIEW WITH A VERY UPTIGHT LADY UPTIGHT LADY I think plants are very uninhibited. They're not ashamed of their sexuality. They're quite happy to expose themselves in public. Just wave their genitals gently in the breeze. Open, available to every passing bee. I wish I was a rose. Or a daisy. Or a... SCENE 8 INTERVIEW (CLAUDE IS STANDING BY HIS COMMONWEALTH CAR) CLAUDE One thing women like to do is get together and show off their genitals. (SHOWS FLOWERS IN A VASE ON A COFFEE TABLE, BY THE CAR) They'll arrange their genitals in a vase and sit 'em on the coffee table. They'll get together and hire a hall. They'll set up tressles with butchers paper spread over and they'll set out their genitals in rows. And they'll walk up and down proud as punch preening themselves. "My genitals are better than your genitals." Well me and me mates down at the commonwealth motor pool we know this is wierd behavior. But we thought "Why not?" If women love to see plant genitals; Why not? So I approached the girls in the office. "What do you think girls?" I said "Me and the lads hire a hall. "Set up the tressles. Spread out the butchers paper. "The lads all line up behind the tressles and..." (MIMES FLOPPING GENITALS ON TABLE) There's this thing called sexual harassment. I've got to do a hundred hours of community service. I'm working it off with the local council. Organising a flower show. SCENE 11 ADELAIDE OVAL LEAKIE Here, at the Adelaide Oval there are, of course no flowers. SCENE 12 A PADDOCK WITH SHEEP LEAKIE And sheep, of course, seldom rip the genitals off plants. Sheep, on the other had often do loose their genitals, and it is usually at the hands of the farmer. SCENE 13 INTERVIEW FARMER Yes, it happens. When things are quiet around the farm and there's nothing much else to do I often go out and geld a few sheep. It's relaxing. Can't say the sheep care for it particularly. SCENE 14 ADELAIDE OVAL LEAKIE I'm taking to the Oval's curator, Coln, I said a little earlier, and perhaps a little blythly there are no flowers on the oval. Why is that? COLn Beats me. LEAKIE Grass is a plant. COLn (CAUTIOUSLY) Possibly. LEAKIE And like all living things it does have genitalia. COLn I imagine so. It would be odd if it didn't. LEAKIE Well. Where are they. THEY LAY ON THE GRASS AND EXAMINE THE GRASS THROUGH MAGNIFYING GLASSES IN SILENCE FOR A FEW MOMENTS. COLn Corse you realise we we look complete idiots doing this. LEAKIE What? COLn If I saw someone laying on the grass with a magnifying glass. And I came up to them and said "What 'cher doin'?" And they said "I'm looking for the genitals of the grass." I'd be inclined to think they're a trifle queer. LEAKIE GETS UP. SO DOES COLn. LEAKIE (VERY EMBARRASED) Yes. Well. I think we'll cross back to the studio. SCENE 15 STUDIO ANGELA The problem with plant pudenda is that women generally, and this applies to men as well, do not realise what a hotbed of lust the garden really is. (PAUSE) Do I have to read this? LEAKIE Just read it. ANGELA Yes, the garden is a hotbed of lust. That is why we in the Ladies Auxillary always advocate watering you garden. LEAKIE What's watering the garden...? ANGELA It hoses down those vegetable passions if you know what I mean, Barry. When those bees hang around the flowers they've only got one thing on their mind. LEAKIE Honey? ANGELA Sex Barry. S, E, X. Plants have no morals. They just...I can't read this. LEAKIE Read it. ANGELA But Un.. LEAKIE Read it. I'll tell your mum. ANGELA But Uncle B LEAKIE Read it. ANGELA Plants have no morals. They bare their private parts. Just hang them right out there. Uncle Barry. LEAKIE Read the cue card. ANGELA Spring is the worst. You walk into the garden and there are all the plants with all their genitals waving at you. They have no shame. No shame at all. Gets a grip on herself. LEAKIE Don't read that bit. ANGELA What? LEAKIE That was a stage direction. Don't read the stage directions. Just the text. ANGELA Uncle Barry this is really stupid. Why can't I write my own material. LEAKIE You can't write. ANGELA I can. I've prepared an in depth analysis of the retail marketing sector with full flower production cost analysis. LEAKIE See? ANGELA But this is rubbish. I'd never say this. LEAKIE I actually wrote it for your mum. She was gunna do this bit. ANGELA Well why didn't she. LEAKIE She expected to be paid. Had to drop her. Now read on. ANGELA But.. LEAKIE Read it or else. ANGELA That's why myself and the ladies of the Ladies Auxillary are introducing a campaign to put (MUMBLES) knickers on plants. LEAKIE Speak up. ANGELA put knickers on plants. LEAKIE Hang on. Knickers on plants? ANGELA Yes. We're calling it "The plan to put panties on plant pudenda" For the alliteration, you see. LEAKIE You want to put panties on plants? ANGELA Yes. We have this knitting circle. We're knitting knickers in several sizes. These are for daisies. (SHOWS KNICKERS) Roses... (SHOWS KNICKERS) and sunflowers. (SHOWS KNICKERS) Of course providing knickers for plants is not enough. LEAKIE No? ANGELA No. LEAKIE What else is there? ANGELA The plant testicles. LEAKIE Plants have testicles? ANGELA Do they ever. Look at that. (HOLDS UP A PAIR OF ORANGES) LEAKIE They're oranges. ANGELA Well they may be just oranges to you. LEAKIE You want to put panties on oranges? ANGELA Oh no. Not just knickers. A full pair of trousers. LEAKIE On every orange. ANGELA Well every pair of oranges. (BARRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK) And I haven't even mentioned grapefruit. That's really obscene. Or rock melons. (MIMES HOLDING TWO LARGE ROCK MELONS) You go into the garden and see these great big rock melons. And zucchinis. Oh God zucchini! SCENE 17 STUDIO LEAKIE When the Department of Agriculture actually came to investigate plant genitalia a major consideration was... (SNEEZES) Hay fever. SCENE 18 THE LAB BEFORE EXPLOSION LEAKIE The problem was investigated here in the lab. SCENE 19 THE LAB. SCIENTIST (DOING CROSSWORD) A four letter word for laboratory accident. (PAUSE) A four letter word for laboratory accident. SCENE 20 EXT. UTAH DESERT. (LIBRARY FILM) DAY. Nuclear Explosion. SCENE 21 THE LAB AFTER EXPLOSION SCIENTIST (THE SCIENTIST IS NOW COVERED IN SOOT) (WRITES DOWN ANSWER) Bang. (BARRY IS COVERED IN SOOT. SO IS A MAN SNEEZING INTO A HORN ATTATCHED TO A VACCUUM CLEANER HOSE. THE HOSE GOES INTO THE TOP OF A 44 GALLON DRUM) SCIENTIST (COVERED IN SOOT) For two weeks this mans nose has been irritated with pollen. For two weeks he has sneezed into this tube, and the snot has been collected in this drum. (SCIENTIST REMOVES LID FROM 44 GALLON DRUM) Now there is enough snot here for experiments to begin. (THE SCIENTIST DIPS A JUG INTO THE DRUM) SCIENTIST This is a jug of snot collected from Mr Hooters nose. Hooter is our prime source of snot. We're very proud of him. We've never found anybody quite like him in terms of sheer volume. LEAKIE That's amazing Mr Hooter. What's your secret. HOOTER (A GREAT GREEN LENGTH OF SNOT IS HANGING FROM HIS NOSTRILS) I'bno nidea. LEAKIE What do you do with all that snot. SCIENTIST We're conducting a number of investigations. For example any kid can tell you snot tastes really great. (SIPS A SPOONFULL) It also makes a great boot polish, (SHOWS A BOOT) We've also found it has real possibilities as a fixative for wigs. (PAINTS THE TOP OF BARRY'S HEAD AND SLAPS ON A WIG) LEAKIE Let's cross back to the studio. SCENE 22 STUDIO (LEAKIE TRIES TO REMOVE. WIG. FAILS. GIVES UP) LEAKIE Women have been ripping the genitals off plants for centuries. And one thing is certain. The plants are getting fed up with it. SCENE 23 INT. A DOMESTIC KITCHEN. DAY HE Hello Marge, I'm home. SHE (READING MAGAZINE) That's nice dear. HE The funniest thing happened on the way home. SHE Oh? HE Yes. This rhododendron bush ripped my left testicle off. SHE That's nice dear. HE Damnedest thing. Never seen anything like it. SHE I should hope not. Did you get your testicle back? HE No, actually. The rhododendron ran away russling at the top of its voice. SCENE 24 NEWSREEL SECTION (BUSHES ACTING AGRESSIVELY, THREATENING PEOPLE) V.O. Plants terrorise city! (MARCHING BUSHES) Rhododendrons on the march! (PEOPLE RUNNING) People are living in fear as plants everywhere rise in revolt. SCENE 25 THE LAB AFTER THE EXPLOSION (THE SCIENTIST IS STILL COVERED IN SOOT) SCIENTIST I think part of the problem is that we do not see the plants point of view. Can you imagine what it must be like for the plant? It's standing there quietly waving it's genitals in the breeze and someone comes along and snip, it's genitals are gone. Naturally they're upset. Naturally they're going to react and strike back. Really I'm surprised it hasn't happened before. LEAKIE So you're on the side of the plants? SCIENTIST Hell no. Prune the bastards I say. But I can understand where they're coming from. SCENE 26 STUDIO LEAKIE In the studio here with me is the Federal Minister for Agricultural Handouts, the right honorable Mr. Arnott Klemp. Arnie, how real is the threat of retalitory violence by plants? KLEMP Very real indeed, Barry. One example. Trees. LEAKIE Trees? KLEMP Trees. Trees have been leaping out in front of motorists for years. And it's not the tree that gets damaged let me tell you. LEAKIE So it's a serious problem. KLEMP Very serious. This year we've budgeted nearly a billion dollars to fight violence by plants. LEAKIE You don't think plants have a case to be upset at having their whatsits ripped off. KLEMP Not at all. Plants should be glad we're prepared to take the time to give them a little snip. It means they can go through life without having to worry about the S word and all that sort of filth. LEAKIE Do you own a set of secateurs yourself, Arnie? KLEMP Yes, and proud of it. I'm not afraid to prune the odd bush if they get uppity. LEAKIE There has been a call from some quarters to outlaw secateurs. KLEMP I know. and I'm disgusted. Next thing you know they'll want to take our guns away from us. LEAKIE Guns are banned in Australia. KLEMP Good God! Are they? It's not good enough. It's utterly disgusting. What's going to save us from the attack of the killer pansies? SCENE 27 STUDIO CYRIL IS A QUIET GENTLE CHAP. CYRIL I was attacked by a plant. LEAKIE What sort of plant. CYRIL A pansy, actually. LEAKIE A pansy? CYRIL Yes. It pulled my pants down. Initially I thought it just wanted to get to know me better. LEAKIE You weren't upset? CYRIL Well not initially. I'm all in favour of improving trans-species relationships generally. LEAKIE With pansies? CYRIL Some of my best friends are vegetables. LEAKIE And then what happened? CYRIL Well it suddenly turned quite vicious. I was never more shocked in my life. LEAKIE And that's when it... CYRIL Yes. Though what a plant would want with one of my testicles I can't imagine. LEAKIE It ripped your testicle off. CYRIL That's right. Just ripped it right off. It really makes your eyes water I can tell you. SCENE 28 NEWSREEL HOARDS OF PANSIES MARCH THE STREETS V.O. Hoards of pansies march the streets! SCENE 29 NEWSREEL HOARDS OF PANSIES ATTACK A MAN V.O. No one is safe from the killer pansies. SCENE 30 NEWSREEL FILM A MILITARY CONVOY. SOLDIERS PILE OUT OF TRUCKS. SHOTS OF A MILITARY CHECKPOINT. V.O. The army is mobilised! SCENE 31 STUDIO LEAKIE With me is General Bwodewick. GENERAL Broderick you little poof. LEAKIE I'm sorry your 2IC said Bwoderwick. GENERAL What do you expect? The man's a raving poof. LEAKIE General you can't say things like that. There are laws. GENERAL What laws. LEAKIE Discrimination. Sexual harrassment. GENERAL Son. You've got your laws. I've got my army. I'll bet my army against your pissant laws any day. LEAKIE Well what about the war with the pansies. GENERAL The plants, or my CO2. LEAKIE The plants. GENERAL We'll soon wipe the floor with the pansies. Either type. SCENE 32 NEWSREEL FOOTAGE. TROOPS ADVANCING. EXPLOSIONS. TAKEN FROM ANY WAR FOOTAGE. PANSIES IN A GROUP, BACKS TO THE WALL, QUIVER AGRESSIVELY. SCENE 33 STUDIO GENERAL The fact is that we're kicking butt. We're winning on all fronts. We had them surrounded. LEAKIE Had? GENERAL Had. Past tense of the verb to have. What's the matter with you. Are you dense. LEAKIE No. GENERAL Are you a poof or something like that mad CO2 of mine. LEAKIE No. The General pulls out is revolver. GENERAL You sure? LEAKIE Positive. GENERAL Poofs. Why do you think they call them pansies. Because they're in league with the enemy, that's why. They're spies. Vegetable sympathisers. Passing information on our troop movements. Hugging trees. You don't see dogs hugging trees, do you. No. They piss on 'em. Damn it I'm gunna kill that son of a bitch CO2. LEAKIE General, has the campaign against the pansies had a setback? GENERAL (roars) No! Alright Yes! There was a battle. We had them surrounded. Thousands of pansies. But they wouldn't surrender. They... They... (chokes. sobs.) LEAKIE You mean? GENERAL Yes. (braces himself) The pansies wouldn't surrender. They sprayed themselves with Roundup. LEAKIE Good God. You mean... GENERAL Yes. They committed herbicide. SCENE 37 STUDIO LEAKIE All the events you've seen depicted here are, of course, a dramatization. Nothing like this is happening, or is likely to happen in the short term. You would agree with that Arnie? KLEMP Oh absolutely. I think the re-enactment we've just seen shows quite clearly and cogently what could happen if plants started getting upset at all the gelding we do to them. We need to be prepared, yes, and as a government we would be irresponsible if we didn't take steps to maintain public safety. But I think we ought to stress to all the men out there. Don't panic. There is no immediate danger. The government has everything under control. Your balls are safe with this government. LEAKIE That's nice to know Arnie. ANGELA Minister, you said earlier that you have set aside a billion dollars to tackle plant violence. KLEMP Over a billion dollars. ANGELA Isn't it true a substantial part of those funds go to your wife. KLEMP That's right. ANGELA A florist. LEAKIE Shut up Angela. KLEMP It's alright Barry. I'm happy to answer the little girlie's question. Girlie, who else would know more about plants than a florist. And who would know more about plant... thingies than a florist. LEAKIE Pudenda. KLEMP Whatever. ANGELA You don't see a conflict of interest here. KLEMP Not at all. ANGELA The fact that you're the responsible minister. KLEMP No. Having my wife doing the research means I can keep abreast of her work. And my position in parliament means that if an issue is raised by a private member she can get right on top of it. LEAKIE I think it's time I unplugged Angela. ANGELA But..(SHE'S CUT OFF) LEAKIE Nice girl, but who cares what she thinks. KLEMP Perfectly true. Good tits, though. SCENE 38 STUDIO LEAKIE With me in the studio is Our parliamentary librarian Ms Gallup. GALLUP Hello Barry. It's a pleasure to be here. LEAKIE Ms Gallup is going too tell us something of the history of this report after it was submitted to government. GALLUP Ah, well. Let me stop you right there Barry. LEAKIE Oh? GALLUP I'm sorry to interrupt and all that, but no. LEAKIE No? GALLUP No. Yes. No. Definately no. LEAKIE No. GALLUP Barry, reports are never submitted to governments just like that. No. LEAKIE But... GALLUP Oh we have the report now.. LEAKIE That's right. GALLUP But what if the government didn't like it. GALLUP That's easy. Mark it confidential, Top Secret, Never-to-be-released. File it and forget it. GALLUP No. LEAKIE No? GALLUP We only mark things top secret if we intend to leak it. The papers won't publish it otherwise. No. The importnant thing is not to write the report in the first place. LEAKIE How do you not write a report. GALLUP Well you have to write it. LEAKIE (Cautiously) Yes. GALLUP But of course it isn't the report. LEAKIE It isn't? GALLUP No. It's a draft. LEAKIE A draft report. GALLUP Just a draft. We haven't yet determined if there is a report. LEAKIE But wasn't someone commissioned to write a report. GALLUP Only if they write the right report. LEAKIE So the government sees the draft. GALLUP No. What if they don't want to see the draft. LEAKIE Why wouldn't they want to see the draft? GALLUP Well there might be something in the report the minister doesn't want to see. The minister must have an opportunity to decide if he can see the report before he sees the report. LEAKIE Ah. So this is what interim reports are all about. I often wondered. GALLUP Nothing to do with the case. LEAKIE Oh. GALLUP It's a draft. Think of it from the minister's point of view. How can he be sure there isn't something in it he shouldn't see. LEAKIE I see. GALLUP I didn't the first time it was explained to me. LEAKIE So the minister gets a synopsis before he actually gets the draft before he gets the report. GALLUP No. LEAKIE No. GALLUP He does get a synopsis...eventually. LEAKIE but he gets something first? GALLUP A minute. LEAKIE A minute. GALLUP The minute, of course, raises a whole new issue. LEAKIE Of course. GALLUP What if there's something in the minute the minister shouldn't see? LEAKIE Hang on. Let me see if I've got this straight. GALLUP Yes. LEAKIE The miniister can't look at the report until he's seen the draft. GALLUP Yes. LEAKIE He can't see the draft until he's seen the minute. GALLUP Yes. LEAKIE Shouldn't there be an interim report in there somewhere? GALLUP We haven't got to that yet. LEAKIE How long before we get to the interim report. GALLUP How much time have you got? LEAKIE Not enough I suspect. Surely there must be an end to this paper trail somewhere. GALLUP Not necessarily. That's the beauty of parliamentary government. The process can be extended indefinately. Particularly if it's something the minister shouldn't see. LEAKIE Hang on. Hang on. I think I've hit one something. The minister obviously shouldn't see the report if it is a report he shouldn't see. But how does he know it's that sort of a report? GALLUP Well obviously he has to see the report. LEAKIE But how can he see the report if it's a report he shouldn't see? GALLUP One of our librarians reads the minister the report in secret. LEAKIE How secret. GALLUP Top secret. In private. At a secret location. LEAKIE Which is? GALLUP The mens urinal at the Buckingham Arms. LEAKIE That's a public toilet. GALLUP Have you been in the men's toilet at the Buckingham arms? LEAKIE I refuse to answer that question. Have you been in the men's toilet at the Buckingham Arms? GALLUP Yes. And the one thing that you always notice is that if two men are in the toilet at the Buckingham Arms and somebody else comes in they always pretend to be reading a government report. LEAKIE So it's a natural cover. I think we've learnt something here about the inner workings of government. This report into the Production and Marketing of Plant Genitalia was to be tabled in parliament. But at the last minute it was realised that 50 percent of the population are women, and also voters, and would not relish having their genital fixation exposed to the public gaze. In the interests of better government, and re-election, the report was quietly shelved. This is Barry Leakie. Join me again next week when Leakie Reports. And remember: When it's Leakie on the job, you're in trouble. copyright (c) 26/12/1999
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