If you listen regularly to my show you'll occasionally hear some off the wall comedy extracts from an American with a monotone voice. His delivery is deadpan, his manner laid back, and in my humble opinion he's one of the best comedians around today - Steven Wright.

After graduating from College in the early 80's Wright became a regular performer at comedy clubs across America, which led to an appearance on Johnny Carson's Tonight show in August 1982. This proved so successful that he was asked to return one week later, a feat that hadn't been achieved by an unknown in over ten years. Over the next few years, Wright had notched up a Television special, video and an appearance in the blockbuster film "Desperately seeking Susan". His 1986 debut album, "I have a pony", earned him a Grammy nomination and multiple plaudits from the recording industry. Steven Wright is now well and truly established in America but despite this he remains almost totally unknown in the United Kingdom. I hope to put that right.

Anyway that's enough from me let's have some examples of Steven Wright's absurd, bizarre and utterly brilliant humour.

The World According to Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.  

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.  

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child. . .eventually.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

I photocopied my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. 

I had amnesia once or twice. 

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my trouser leg.

If you had a million Shakespeare's, could they write like a monkey?

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

I photocopied a mirror. Now I have an extra photocopier.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time. 

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

There was a power cut at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. .

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.

I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (Picks up his glass of water from the stool...) I like to live on the edge..

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I was born by Caesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." I was upset because on my second birthday, I went from being one to being two, and my age doubled in a year. I figured at this rate, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was lift practice.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.

My school colours were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I'm getting a tattoo. It's going to be all over my whole body - a tattoo of myself. Only taller.

My neighbours don't like it when I talk to my plants ... I use a megaphone.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday."

I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air for the tyres.

My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.

In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

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