Bits and Bobs

Peter Kay's Words of Wisdom

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

FUN STUFF

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris".

He said Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?".
I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?",
he said "OK then",
I said "Nearest to bull starts".
He said "Baa",
I said "Moo",
he said "You're closest".

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",
he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite.........one jar.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?".
I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",
he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot",

I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bi-satchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

Sid Waddell Quotes

The following quotes are attributed to Sid Waddell the Darts Commentator and great character

"Jocky Wilson . . . What an athlete."
"That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!"
"He's about as predictable as a Wasp on speed"
"Look at the man go, its like trying to stop a water buffalo with a pea-shooter"
"You couldn't get more excitement in here if Elvis Presley walked in and ordered a bag of chips"
"Big Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy."
"It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline"
"Well as giraffes say, you don't get no leaves unless you stick your neck out"
"His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch"
"That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus."
"It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia."
"His physiognomy is that of a weeping Madonna."
"He's as cool as a prized marrow!"
"Under that heart of stone beat muscles of pure flint."
"He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave."
"The pendulum swinging back and forth like a metronome"
"His face is sagging with tension."
"The fans now, with their eyes pierced on the dart board."
"He's been burning the midnight oil at both ends."
"That's like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank"
"As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here."
"There hasn't been this much excitement since the Romans fed the Christians to the Lions."
"The players are under so much duress, it's like Duressic park out there!"
"This lad has more checkouts than Tescos."
"John Lowe is striding out like Alexander the Great conquering the Persians"
"I get the same effect when I see Steve Davis, I just see two letters... C & S... Cue Sorcerer"
"By the time of the final on Sunday he should be fit to burst!"
"There's only one word for that - magic darts!"
"Keith Deller's not just an underdog, he's an underpuppy!"
"I don't know what he's had for breakfast but Taylor knocked the Snap, crackle and Pop outta Bristow"
"Even Hypotenuse would have trouble working out these angles"
"Steve Beaton - The Adonis of darts, what poise, what elegance - a true roman gladiator with plenty of hair wax."
"If you're round your auntie's tonight, tell her to stop making the cookie's and come thru to the living room and watch these two amazing athletes beat the proverbial house out of each other"
"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer... Bristow's only 27."
"Eat your heart out Harold Pinter, we've got drama with a capita D in Essex."
"If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have gone home."
"He's playing out of his pie crust."
"They won't just have to play outta their skin to beat Phil Taylor. They'll have to play outta their essence!"
"Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall body strength."
"There's no one quicker than these two tungsten tossers..."
"Look at him as he takes his stance, like he has been sculptured, whereas Bobby George, with his bad back, looks like the Hunchback of Notre Dame."
"He's playing like Robin Hood in the Nottingham Super League"
"Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet... and he's in a darts orbit!"
"The atmosphere is a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the Coliseum when the Christians were on the menu."
"Jocky Wilson, he comes from the valleys and he's chuffing like a choo-choo train!"
"He's like D'Artagnan at the scissor factory."
"Steve Beaton, he's not Adonis, he's THE donis"
"One hundred and eighty, divided by three, is one dart at a time"
"If you had to throw a knife at your wife in the circus, you'd want to throw it like that"

Billy Connolly's way to live life as quoted from his new book...

Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways
Have lots of long lie-ins
Wear sturdy socks
Learn to grow out of medium underwear
If you must lie about your age, do it in the other direction: tell people you're ninety-seven and they'll think you look f**king great
Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away
Never eat food that comes in a bucket
If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting
Boo joggers
Don't work out, work in
Play the banjo
Sleep with somebody you like
Eat plenty of Liquorices Allsorts
Try to live in a place you like
Marry somebody you like
Try to do a job you like
Never turn down an opportunity to shout, 'F**k them all!' at the top of your voice
Avoid bigots of all descriptions
Let your own bed become to you what the Pole Star was to sailors of old...look forward to it
Don't wear tight Underwear on aeroplanes
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares?...he's a mile away and you've got his shoes
Clean your teeth and keep the company of people who will tell you when there's spinach on them
Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question
Don't pat animals with sneaky eyes
If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11 a.m, start one
Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swearwords
If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six' f**k's in it
Avoid giving LSD to guide dogs
Don't be talked into wearing a uniform
Salute nobody
Never run with scissors or other pointy objects
Campaign against blue Smarties
Above all, go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say: 'It's good to be alive!' My way ..... ? Take every opportunity! Suck in every experience! Find THAT moment & Live it for the rest of your days - Bliss forever!

Keep it real & the Dream alive!!
Soulshine & Loveliness,

Difficult words to say when you are drunk......

Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation.................

Impossible words to say when you are drunk.....

Thanks, but I don't want sex
No, I don't want another drink
No Kebab for me, thanks
Sorry, but you are not quite good looking enough for me
Good evening officer

WARNING NEW COMPUTER VIRUS

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes, " delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetises the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will program your phone auto dial to call only 1-800 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your Skim milk with whole milk. *** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *** And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest to you. Send to everyone. If you are a blonde, this is a joke...

Hangover Ratings

1 Star Hangover

No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.

You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those Vodka Red Bulls.

However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.

Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.

2 Star Hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.

The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.

Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 Star Hangover

Slight headache. stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.

Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.

Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.

You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 Star Hangover

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.

Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.

You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems.

Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.

You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 Star Hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.

Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.

You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.

Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.

You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.

Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.

6 Star Hangover

You arrive home and climb into bed.

Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.

You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.

You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.

No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.

You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.

After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.

If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.

You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.

Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.

With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.

You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.

It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.

You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.

Work is simply not an option.

The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.

You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.

OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!

Thought so!!

FUNNY QUOTES

"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."
Author Unknown.

"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers.

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield.

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."
Steve Martin.

"My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert'
I said,' that's a big word for a girl of fifteen'."
Emo Philips.

"My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson.

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
Woody Allen.

"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
Woody Allen.

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen.

"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible."
Unknown.

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Emo Philips.

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Steven Seagal.

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams.

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
Marilyn Pittman.

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Harrods comes out with a ride-on vacuum cleaner."
Roseanne.

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
Johnny Carson.

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Paul Rodriguez.

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."
Jerry Seinfeld.

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde.

"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".
A Mum.

QUOTES FROM GEORGE CARLIN

Ever wonder about those people who spend £2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant a lot like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

HOW TO LOSE YOUR JOB

Stumble back from lunch, two hours late, drunk as a skunk chanting 'The Venga Bus is coming........"

Tell the boss you'll "Send the boys round" - if they don't authorise your pay rise.

Admit you traded in your company car for a two week drink-fest in Ibiza.

Set up your own illegal drinking den in the stationery cupboard.

Bring a sleeping bag to work for those little afternoon naps!

Pawn your computer because you're skint till pay day.

Call the boss to your desk, call him "Sonny" and tell him his work isn't up to scratch.

Start a one-man/woman Mexican wave every time someone leaves their desk.

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE

1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

3) Insist that your e-mail address be: 'xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com' or 'elvis-the-king@companyname.com'

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised chair dancing.

6) Put your waste bin on your desk and label it 'IN.' (This is a 'must do')

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has recovered from their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

10) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

11) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

12) Don't use any punctuation

13) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

14) Ask people what sex they are.

15) Specify that your drive through order is "to go."

16) Sing along at the opera.

17) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

18) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender).

19) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

20) Put mosquito netting around your desk.

21) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

FOOTBALL GAFFES

'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.' - David Beckham
'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.' - Mark Viduka
'He's put on weight and I've lost it, and vice versa.' - Ronnie Whelan
'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.' - Neville Southall
'We lost because we didn't win.' - Ronaldo
'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.' - Paul Gascoigne
'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.' - Alan Shearer
'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.' - Mark Draper
'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.' - Peter Shilton
'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.' - Stan Collymore
'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.' - Ade Akinbiyi
'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.' - Ian Wright
'It was a big relief off my shoulder.' - Paul Gascoigne
'I'm as happy as I can be, but I have been happier.' - Ugo Ehiogu
'It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up.' - Ian Wright
'Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough.' - Jonathan Woodgate
'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.' - Stuart Pearce
'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.' - Lee Hendrie
'I couldn't settle in Italy, it was like living in a foreign country.' - Ian Rush
Interviewer: 'Would it be fair to describe you as a volatile player?'
David Beckham: 'Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and occasionally on the left side.'
'If you're 0-0 down, there's no-one better to get you back on terms than Ian Wright.' - Robbie Earle
'Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today.' - Steve Lomas
'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.' - Barry Venison
'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.' - David Beckham
'The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European.' - Phil Neville
'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.' - Mitchell Thomas
'Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had.' - David Beckham
'The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it.' - Graeme Le Saux
'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.'- Alan Shearer
'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.' - Johnny Giles
'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.' - Thierry Henry
'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.' - Les Ferdinand
'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.' - Richard Rufus
'There's no in between, you're either good or bad. We were in between.' - Gary Lineker
'Winning doesn't really matter, as long as you win.' - Vinny Jones

And finally:-

Interviewer: 'Would it be fair to describe you as a volatile player?'
David Beckham: 'Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and occasionally on the left side.'

TELL TALE SIGNS YOU'RE AN ADULT

Your potted plants stay alive.
Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
You hear your favourite song on an lift.
You carry an umbrella and watch the Weather Forecast.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hooking up and breaking up.
You go from 130 days of holiday time to seven.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those bl**dy kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6pm.
Dinner and a movie - the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
You go to the chemists for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
A £4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
Grocery lists include more than macaroni and cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Pizza.
"I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
More than 90 percent of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

GORDON'S "MINCEY HEID" TEST

Are you an idiot? Take our "mincey heid" test to find out

DEEP THOUGHTS

...Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

...Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

...I got a sweater for Christmas... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

...The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

...There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and s**thead's.

...I live in my own little world, but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

...If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

...I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

...I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

...Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a...salted.

...No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

...How come they choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America ?

...How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

...Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool ?

...Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

...Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

...Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mum's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.

VERY PUNNY

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", one asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Can anyone help with this software problem my mate is experiencing?

Eighteen months ago he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Razzle 6.1.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware. Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. He did this largely because, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with Freesex Plus and Cleanhouse 2001.

However my friend discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes he made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted, they then resurfaced months later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whinzezip. These latter products have no help files and he has to try and guess the problem himself.

Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle that came with the original system needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser Pro for new attachments and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every other week. It also conflicted with some of the new games he wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to his Audi TT programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can' be turned off.

Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2001, but there could be problems, if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2001 it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Any Ideas??

SLEEPING ON THE JOB

Best Excuses To Use When Caught Sleeping At Work

This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.

I was working smarter - not harder.

Whew! I must have left the top off the Tippex.

I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

I'm in the management training program.

This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

The coffee machine is broken....

Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.

Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.

DEJA?

You've probably heard of "deja vu," the illusion of having previously experienced a situation that is happening now. Here are some related expressions

Feel like I've...

...milked this cow before: deja moo

...seen this strange animal before: deja gnu

...smelled this bad odor before: deja phew

...visited this menagerie before: deja zoo

...scared this person away before: deja boo

...read this mystery book before: deja clue

...been in this courtroom before: deja sue

...felt this sad before: deja blue

...expanded this way before: deja grew

...seen this slime before: deja goo

...learned this stuff before: deja knew

...waited in line before: deja queue

...eaten this dinner before: deja stew

...pursued this person before: deja woo

...forgotten this your name before: deja who

...had this feeling of deja vu before: deja too

...seen these twins before: deja two

...used this beer recipe before: deja brew

...been on this airplane before: deja flew

...came up with this innovation before: deja new

...fed these pigeons before: deja coo

...sketched this portrait before: deja drew

...ended this relationship before: deja through

...felt this ill before: deja flu

...sheared this sheep before: deja ewe

...munched on this gum ball before: deja chew

...sat through this sermon before: deja pew

...played in this wet grass before: deja dew

...admired this scenery before: deja ooo

...lost it under the bed before: deja shoo

...exposed the real facts before: deja true

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS FOR KIDS

- Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage-restrictive."

- Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

- You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

- No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."

- You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

- You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

- It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual information."

- The food at the school canteen isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

- Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

- You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness."

- You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odour-retentive athletic footwear."

- You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

- You're not being sent to the Headmaster's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.

LIGHTBULB JOKES

HOW MANY ACTORS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

SIX! ONE TO DO IT - WHILE THE OTHERS SAY THAT SHOULD BE ME UP THERE!

HOW MANY CALIFORNIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

2000! ONE TO DO IT- AND THE REST TO SHARE THE EXPERIENCE.

HOW MANY HAIRDRESSERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

FOUR! ONE TO DO IT- WHILE THE OTHER THREE STAND BACK AND SAY “OOH WONDERFUL GERALD”

HOW MANY PSYCHIATRISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

ONLY ONE! - BUT THE LIGHTBULB HAS GOT TO WANT TO CHANGE VERY VERY MUCH!

HOW MANY ELECTRICIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

ONLY ONE - BUT IT’LL COST YOU £90

TELL TALE SIGNS YOU HAVE A WEIGHT PROBLEM

YOU CONSIDER SUMO WRESTLING AN ART FORM.

YOU DREAM OF BEING AS THIN AS ROSEANNE.

THE LOCAL BOY SCOUTS USE YOUR OLD RAINCOAT AS A MARQUEE.

YOU NEED AN HGV LICENCE TO DRIVE A CAR.

YOUR LOCAL WEIGHT WATCHERS CLUB GOES EX DIRECTORY.

FIVE EASY STEPS TO WEIGHT LOSS

ARRANGE FOR YOUR WAGES TO BE PAID IN CARROTS.

WEIGH YOURSELF OUTSIDE THE EARTHS ATMOSPHERE.

WEAR LIGHTER HATS.

PUT A PICTURE OF ROSEANNE ON YOUR FRIDGE DOOR.

BUY ALL THE SLIMMING MAGAZINES YOU CAN - AND EAT THEM

TELL TALE SIGNS THAT YOU NEED GLASSES

EVERYTHING COMES INTO FOCUS WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK.

YOU FREQUENTLY APOLOGISE TO LAMP POSTS.

AT THE THEATRE YOU ASK FOR SEATS IN THE ORCHESTRA PIT.

YOU HAIL FIRE ENGINES AT BUS STOPS.

YOU HAVE TO ASSUME THE LOTUS POSITION TO READ THE BATHROOM SCALES.

YOU STEAM UP THE SCREEN WHEN WATCHING TELEVISION.

YOU GET A BLACK NOSE READING THE NEWSPAPER.

YOU COMPLIMENT HAT STANDS ON WHAT THEY’RE WEARING.

YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE AT THE CINEMA WITH OPERA GLASSES.

YOU CAN’T GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO YOUR TOENAILS TO CUT THEM.

TELL TALE SIGNS THAT YOU’RE PAST IT

DIALLING LONG DISTANCE WEARS YOU OUT.

YOU SIT IN A ROCKING CHAIR AND CAN’T MAKE IT WORK.

A GYPSY OFFERS TO READ YOUR FACE.

YOUR FAVOURITE BIT OF THE NEWSPAPER IS “FIFTY YEARS AGO TODAY”

YOU WEAR AS MUCH CLOTHING IN BED AS YOU DO OUT.

THE OLD LADY YOU HELP ACROSS THE STREET IS YOUR WIFE.

YOU NEVER MANAGE TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE WHOLE OF THE NINE O CLOCK NEWS.

SWEET SHERRY DOESN’T SEEM SO BAD.

YOUR KNEES BUCKLE BUT YOUR BELT WON’T.

A GUIDE TO GARMENT LABELS

HAND FINISHED SOMEBODY IRONED IT

WASH WITH CARE WEAR ONCE AND THROW AWAY

TAILORED TIGHT

COTTON ENRICHED POLYESTER WITH PRETENSIONS

ONE SIZE FITS ALL BUT FITS NOBODY PROPERLY

NATURAL FIBRE FULL OF LITTLE KNOBBLY BITS

PURE SILK MAKE SURE SOMEONE ELSE DOES THE IRONING

HAND WASH WILL EVENTUALLY FIT THE PET POODLE

HOW FEET REVEAL YOUR HIDDEN CHARACTERISTICS

DID YOU KNOW THAT FEET REVEAL YOUR HIDDEN CHARACTERISTICS ACCORDING TO EXPERTS?

1) A DOMINANT BIG TOE, MUCH LARGER THAN YOUR OTHER TOES, IS THE SIGN OF AN EXTROVERT WHO ENJOYS LIFE.

2) A SMALLER BIG TOE MEANS YOU HAVE A QUIET THOUGHTFUL NATURE, USUALLY MARKED BY HIGH INTELLIGENCE.

3) A LONGER SECOND TOE REVEALS A DYNAMIC PERSONALITY WHO VALUES FRIENDSHIP.

4) FLAT FEET SYMBOLIZE A STEADY, DEPENDABLE CHARACTER.

5) HIGH ARCHES MARK A FUN LOVING PERSONALITY WHO LOVES TO DANCE.

GOOD REASONS NOT TO GIVE UP DRINKING

YOU’VE JUST BOUGHT A GOOD BEER GUIDE.

YOU’D FEEL LIKE A PARTY POOPER AT COMMUNION.

IMAGINE KARAOKE NIGHTS SOBER.

IT’S THE ONLY WAY TO SURVIVE THE SPEECHES AT A WEDDING RECEPTION.

HOW ELSE COULD YOU JUSTIFY A 3 HOUR BUSINESS LUNCH.

IT COULD RUIN YOUR CHANCES OF BECOMING A CHAMPION DARTS PLAYER.

THE ONLY EXERCISE YOU GET IS WALKING DOWN TO THE BOTTLE BANK.

HOW WOULD YOU GET THROUGH FRIDAY NIGHTS AT THE LOCAL INDIAN?

A STIFF PERRIER AFTER WORK JUST ISN’T THE SAME.

TIME TO GO HOME. -TEN SIGNS THAT THE PARTY’S OVER

THE HOST BEGINS TO HUM THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

YOU FIND YOURSELF TALKING TO THE MILKMAN.

SOMEONE GETS OUT TRIVIAL PURSUIT.

THE ONLY THING LEFT TO DRINK IS A BRIGHT GREEN DRINK NOBODY’S HEARD OF.

YOU’VE SOBERED UP.

YOU’VE WOKEN UP.

SOMEONE PUTS ON A SYDNEY DEVINE TAPE

YOU GO IN TO THE GARDEN TO LOOK AT THE STARS

YOU HAPPILY STUB OUT YOUR CIGARETTE IN A VOL-AU-VENT.

SHORTLY AFTERWARDS, YOU EAT THE VOL-AU-VENT.

A BEGINNERS GUIDE TO MUSIC

JAZZ FIVE MEN ON THE SAME STAGE PLAYING A DIFFERENT TUNE.

BLUES PLAYED EXCLUSIVELY BY PEOPLE WHO WOKE UP THIS MORNING

WORLD MUSIC A DOZEN DIFFERENT TYPES OF PERCUSSION GOING AT ONCE

OPERA PEOPLE SINGING WHEN THEY SHOULD BE TALKING

RAP PEOPLE TALKING WHEN THEY SHOULD BE SINGING

CLASSICAL DISCOVER THE 45 MINUTES THEY LEFT OUT OF THE T.V. AD

BIG BAND TWENTY MEN WHO TAKE IT IN TURNS TO STAND UP, PLUS A DRUMMER

HOUSE MUSIC OK AS LONG AS IT’S NOT THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR

WHAT DEEJAYS REALLY MEAN

HERE’S ONE WE’VE HAD TONS OF REQUESTS FOR - TWO LETTERS AND A FAX.

THIS IS WHAT WE IN THE BUSINESS CALL A TURNTABLE HIT - DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO MAKE PLAYING RECORDS SOUND LIKE A PROFESSION.

HAVE WE GOT A GREAT PROGRAMME FOR YOU? - HOW WOULD I KNOW? MY PRODUCER PICKS ALL THE RECORDS.

LET’S GET DOWN AND BOOGIE - I’M OVER 40 AND PARANOID ABOUT BEING PENSIONED OFF.

IT’S GOING TO BE 25 BIG ONES OUT THERE - IT’S GOING TO BE 25 DEGREES CENTIGRADE.

BOY! IT’S ABSOLUTE MADNESS IN HERE TODAY - I’M DOING THE SHOW IN SHORTS.

OH YES! ROD’S ONE OF THE NICEST GUYS IN ROCK - UNLIKE ME.

LETS NOT FORGET LIFE’S MORE SERIOUS SIDE - TRAFFIC AND WEATHER REPORTS.

A GUIDE TO THE CREDITS AT THE END OF FILMS

DIRECTOR PERSON WHO ARGUES WITH THE PRODUCER.

PRODUCER PERSON WHO ARGUES WITH THE DIRECTOR.

RESEARCHER - MAKES SURE NOBODY DRINKS COCA-COLA DURING A COSTUME DRAMA.

PERSONAL ASSISTANT - KEEPS THE STAR SOBER DURING REHEARSALS.

MUSICAL DIRECTOR - SOMEONE WITH A COLLECTION OF OLD SIXTIES RECORDS.

ASSISTANT CINEMATOGRAPHER - SWITCHES OFF THE LIGHTS

BEST BOY - SENT OUT TO BUY 40 PIZZAS AND 22 BURGERS.

OSCAR CEREMONY SPEAK - A GUIDE TO INTERPRETATION

I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN - NO TELEPROMPTER.

A GREAT NIGHT FOR THE BRITISH FILM INDUSTRY - ANOTHER SPECIAL EFFECTS AWARD.

WE HAVE TO LOOK BEYOND THE NARROW WORLD OF HOLLYWOOD - WATCH OUT! HERE COMES A POLITICAL SPEECH.

THIS IS REALLY A TRIBUTE TO EVERYONE WHO WORKED SO HARD ON THE PICTURE - BUT I’VE GOT THE AWARD SO THERE.

I’M SPEECHLESS - I CAN’T WORK WITHOUT A SCRIPT.

WITHOUT WHOM NONE OF THIS WOULD BE POSSIBLE - MY PLASTIC SURGEON.

A LIVING LEGEND - BLIMEY! IS HE STILL ALIVE?

PEOPLE TOO NUMEROUS TO MENTION - MY EX HUSBANDS.

WAYS TO LIVEN UP YOUR DULL WORKING DAY

RUN ONE LAP AROUND THE OFFICE AT HIGH SPEED.

GROAN OUT LOUD IN THE BATHROOM CUBICLE.

IGNORE THE FIRST FIVE PEOPLE WHO SAY ‘GOOD MORNING’ TO YOU.

PHONE SOMEONE IN THE OFFICE YOU BARELY KNOW, LEAVE YOUR NAME AND SAY “JUST CALLED TO SAY I CAN’T TALK RIGHT NOW. BYE”

TO SIGNAL THE END OF A CONVERSATION CLAMP YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR EARS AND GRIMACE

GO INTO YOUR MANAGER’S OFFICE AND WHILE THEY WATCH YOU WITH GROWING IRRITATION TURN THE LIGHT SWITCH ON AND OFF 50 TIMES.

WALK SIDEWAYS TO THE PHOTOCOPIER.

SHOUT RANDOM NUMBERS WHILE SOMEONE IS COUNTING

REFER TO EVERYONE YOU SPEAK TO AS BOB

ANNOUNCE TO EVERYONE IN A MEETING THAT YOU “REALLY HAVE TO GO DO NUMBER TWO”

IN A COLLEAGUE’S DIARY, WRITE IN - 10AM: SEE HOW I LOOK IN TIGHTS.

DREAMS - A GUIDE TO INTERPRETATION

BEING BURNED ALIVE – YOU’VE LEFT THE ELECTRIC BLANKET ON

BEING CHASED BY A HIDEOUS MONSTER – MORTGAGE RATES ARE GOING UP AGAIN

BEING INVOLVED IN A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT – YOU’VE GOT TICKETS FOR A BARRY MANILOW CONCERT

DEVOURING A GIANT MARSHMALLOW – YOU’VE EATEN THE PILLOW

WALKING NAKED IN THE STREET – YOU’VE HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK AND YOU’RE NOT DREAMING

HANDY EXCUSES FOR NOT CUTTING THE GRASS

THERE’S SO MUCH JUNK IN THE SHED I CAN’T FIND THE MOWER.

I WAS THINKING OF GETTING A GOAT.

I’M TRYING TO CULTIVATE A WILDFLOWER MEADOW.

I’M WAITING FOR THE GRASS TO CHOKE THE WEEDS.

I’M TRYING TO PERSUADE DAVID ATTENBOROUGH TO USE IT FOR HIS NEXT SERIES.

THERE’S A EUROPEAN REGULATION AGAINST IT.

I WOULDN’T WANT TO GIVE THE MOLES A HEADACHE.

IT PROVIDES PERFECT COVER FOR SUNBATHING.

IT NEEDS A GOOD RAKING FIRST.

THERE’S SO MUCH JUNK IN THE SHED I CAN’T FIND THE RAKE.

GREAT MYSTERIES OF LIFE

WHY IS IT EASIER TO GET OUT OF BED WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE TO?

WHERE DOES TARZAN GET SUCH A GOOD HAIRCUT?

WHY DO PEOPLE WHO SNORE NEVER WAKE THEMSELVES UP?

WHY DO THEATREGOERS PUT ON THEIR BEST CLOTHES TO SIT IN THE DARK FOR THREE HOURS?

WHERE CAN YOU GET A POETIC LICENCE?

IF VAMPIRES CAN’T SEE THEIR REFLECTIONS IN MIRRORS. HOW DOES COUNT DRACULA MANAGE TO SHAVE?

HOW COME NOBODY EVER PHONES THE TV CHEFS JUST WHEN THEY’RE PUTTING THE PEAS ON?

WHY IS THERE ONLY ONE WORD FOR THESAURUS?

WHY AREN’T IRONS MADE OF IRON?

WHY DO YOU NEVER GET PESTERED BY SINGLE GLAZING SALESMEN?

WHERE DID THE MAN WHO INVENTED PATENTS REGISTER HIS IDEA?

WHY DO PEOPLE SAY IT’S AN IMPOSSIBLE QUESTION WHEN THEY MEAN IT’S AN IMPOSSIBLE ANSWER?

WHY ARE MEN’S AGES IN DIRECT PROPORTION TO THE NUMBER OF SOCKS THEY GET AT CHRISTMAS?

WHAT DO PLAIN CLOTHES POLICEMEN WEAR WHEN THEY’RE OFF DUTY?

WHY ARE ANTS ALWAYS IN SUCH A HURRY?

WHY DOES SLOW UP MEAN THE SAME AS SLOW DOWN?

IF MOTHS ARE ATTRACTED TO LIGHT, WHY DON’T THEY COME OUT DURING THE DAY?

WHY ARE OTHER PEOPLES NEWSPAPERS SO FASCINATING?

IF YOU’RE SENDING BUBBLEWRAP THROUGH THE POST WHAT DO YOU USE TO PACK IT IN?

HOW COME YOUR SKIN LEAKS OUT - BUT NOT IN?

WHY DO PEOPLE SAY SORRY WHEN YOU TREAD ON THEIR FEET?

WHY ARE SQUARE BOXING ARENAS CALLED RINGS?

WHAT HAVE SKULLS GOT TO GRIN ABOUT?

WHY DO DOGS ALWAYS THINK IT’S FOR THEM WHEN THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR?

IF ONE IN EVERY FOUR PEOPLE IS CHINESE- WHY ARE ALL THE SPICE GIRLS ENGLISH?

WHY DOES GRASS SMELL ONLY WHEN YOU MOW IT?

WHY CAN YOU NEVER BUY A BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO WITHOUT 25 PER CENT EXTRA IN IT?

WHY ARE CAMOUFLAGE JACKETS SO CONSPICUOUS?

WHY IS THERE NO HAM IN HAMBURGERS?

WHY IS THERE NO HEATING OUTSIDE, WHERE IT’S REALLY COLD?

WHY DO BUTTERFLIES LIVE FOR SUCH A SHORT TIME, WHEN EATING CABBAGE IS SUPPOSED TO BE SO HEALTHY?

WHY DO T.V. CHEFS NEVER EAT THE FOOD THEY COOK?

THINGS YOU’LL FIND WHEN YOU GET YOUR HOLIDAY PHOTO’S DEVELOPED

A LABRADOR WEARING SUNGLASSES AND A HEADSCARF.

GRANNY PUTTING HER KNICKERS ON UNDER A TOWEL.

SOMEONE HOLDING UP THE LEANING TOWER OF PISA.

A LEATHER FACED FISHERMAN MENDING HIS NETS.

A COLLAPSED SANDCASTLE WITH ITS ARCHITECT IN TEARS.

A FLASH PHOTO OF A GROUP OF RED EYED PEOPLE IN A TAVERNA.

AN ANCIENT RUIN YOU DON’T REMEMBER VISITING.

SOMEONE POURING SANGRIA OVER HIS FACE FROM A LONG SPOUTED JUG.

THE COUPLE YOU PROMISED TO KEEP IN TOUCH WITH.

TELL TALE SIGNS THAT YOU’RE BORING

YOU EMPTY THE KITCHEN AT PARTIES.

ANSWER PHONES HANG UP ON YOU.

YOU’RE STILL COMPLAINING ABOUT DECIMALISATION.

YOU GO MISTY-EYED TALKING ABOUT THE SIXTIES.

YOUR RECORD COLLECTION IS IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER.

WHOEVER YOU’RE TALKING TO IS EAGER TO INTRODUCE YOU TO SOMEONE ELSE.

WAYS TO GO BANKRUPT

PLUMBERS GO DOWN THE PLUGHOLE.

PAINTERS AND DECORATORS GO TO THE WALL.

CAR DEALERS CRASH.

TOILET ROLL MANUFACTURERS GO DOWN THE PAN.

BRA MANUFACTURERS GO BUST.

THE WORLDS MOST BORING JOBS

LYRICIST FOR A SHADOWS ALBUM.

NAVIGATOR ON THE ISLE OF WIGHT FERRY.

SCRIPTWRITER FOR THE SPEAKING CLOCK.

GROUNDS MAN AT AN ASTROTURFED STADIUM.

EDITOR OF THE TELEPHONE DIRECTORY.

ENTRIES FOR THE ALTERNATIVE DICTIONARY

DRAUGHTSMAN - SOMEONE WHO ALWAYS WORKS TO RULE.

TEACHER - SOMEONE WHO GETS PAID TO COME TO TERMS WITH CHILDREN.

JURY - THE ONLY THING THAT DOESN’T WORK WHEN IT’S FIXED.

BARBECUE - A GROUP OF MEN WAITING FOR A HAIRCUT.

LIBRARY - A MULTI-STOREY BUILDING.

DELEGATE - ENTRANCE TO THE CAPITAL OF INDIA.

TOADY - A MAN WHO STOOPS TO CONCUR.

RETAIL - MIRACLE OF MODERN VETERINARY SURGERY.

ABSENTEE - A MISSING GOLF ACCESSORY.

GETTING UPTIGHT - WAKING UP DRUNK.

ENDORSE - THE LAST NAG PAST THE FINISHING POST.

GOOD THINGS ABOUT GOING BACK TO WORK ON MONDAY

NO MORE DIY FOR FIVE DAYS.

FREE PERSONAL CALLS FROM THE OFFICE.

NO MORE DIFFICULT DECISIONS LIKE WHETHER TO WATCH DALE WINTON OR CILLA BLACK.

THE VISITING RELATIVES WILL HAVE GONE HOME.

THE KIDS OUT OF THE HOUSE BY EIGHT O CLOCK.

UNKNOWN MEMBERS OF THE DRACULA FAMILY

VLAD THE INHALER - SUFFERS FROM CHRONIC CATARRH.

VLAD THE RETAILER - BLEEDS HIS CUSTOMER’S WHITE.

VLAD THE DESCALER - SPECIALISES IN THE REMOVAL OF PLAQUE FROM FANGS.

VLAD THE IMPALA - TAKES THE FORM OF A DRUG CRAZED ANTELOPE.

VLAD THE HOTELIER - DRACULA WEEKENDS A SPECIALITY.

VLAD THE WHOLESALER - ALL YOUR VAMPIRE NEEDS CATERED FOR.

VLAD THE AKELA - ORGANISER OF THE DREADED TRANSYLVANIAN CUB SCOUTS.

NEW HEALTH WARNINGS TO PUT ON TO CIGARETTE PACKETS

SMOKING CAN CAUSE YOU TO BE BANISHED TO THE GARDEN AT PARTIES.

SMOKERS SUCK.

SMOKING PROMOTES A GOLDEN TAN ON YOUR TEETH.

SMOKING CAN SERIOUSLY DAMAGE YOUR WEALTH.

SMOKING MAKES YOUR MOUTH TASTE LIKE THE BOTTOM OF A BIRDCAGE.

SMOKING CAN RESULT IN TALKING LIKE PHYLLIS IN CORONATION STREET.

SMOKING MAKES YOU FEEL GUILTY.

SMOKING PROVOKES TEDIOUS HEALTH LECTURES FROM NON SMOKERS.

THINGS WHICH SHOULD CARRY GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNINGS

VINDALOO CURRIES.

MORTGAGE APPLICATION FORMS.

SKI-ING HOLIDAYS.

DAYTIME TELEVISION.

DECKCHAIRS.

REVOLVING DOORS.

LETTERS FROM THE BANK.

REASONS NOT TO WORK OUT

ITS MUCH MORE SATISFYING TO DEVELOP THE MIND.

DIDN’T THE GUY WHO INVENTED JOGGING DIE OF A HEART ATTACK?

YOU’LL MAKE ALL YOUR FRIEND’S FEEL INADEQUATE.

WHAT’S SO GOOD ABOUT BEING ABLE TO RUN UP STAIRS?

TELL TALE SIGNS THAT YOU’RE GETTING OLD

YOU GO TO BED EARLIER THAN YOUR CHILDREN.

YOU HAVE A BALD SON.

YOU SKIP THE OFFICE PARTY.

YOU AVOID SUBTRACTING YOUR AGE FROM 70.

YOU ACTUALLY DO CHECK WITH THE DOCTOR BEFORE DOING EXERCISE.

YOU FIND YOURSELF LOOKING FORWARD TO EMMERDALE.

YOU REALISE YOU’VE SPENT MORE YEARS WORKING THAN YOU DID AT SCHOOL.

YOU THINK INSURANCE SALESMEN ARE WORTH TALKING TO.

CHIEF CONSTABLES START TO LOOK YOUNGER.

PHRASES TO CHILL A PARENTS HEART

CAN I BORROW THE CAR?

YOU KNOW I BORROWED THE CAR LAST NIGHT.

BUT EVERYBODY ELSE HAS GOT ONE.

THIS IS YOUR SON’S HEADMASTER SPEAKING.

SOMETHING’S HAPPENED.

TELL TALE SIGNS THAT YOUR CHILDHOOD IS OVER

YOU DON’T AUTOMATICALLY RUSH TO THE BACK SEAT OF A BUS.

YOU THINK BOOK TOKENS ARE A GOOD PRESENT TO GET.

YOU STOP WALKING THROUGH PUDDLES.

YOU START SUNBATHING.

SOMEONE CALLS YOU SIR OR MADAM.

YOUR PARENTS EMBARRASS YOU.

YOU CHOOSE YOUR OWN CLOTHES.

YOU CHECK YOUR HAIR WHEN YOU PASS A MIRROR.

YOU THINK FISH FINGERS AND BEANS ARE UNSOPHISTICATED.

YOU CAN SPELL UNSOPHISTICATED.

SYMPTOM	FAULT	ACTION
Feet cold and wet.	Glass being held at incorrect angle.	Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
Feet warm and wet.	Improper bladder control.	Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
Beer unusually pale and tasteless.	Glass empty.	Get someone to buy you another beer.
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.	You have fallen over backward.	Have yourself leashed to bar.
Mouth contains cigarette butts.	You have fallen forward.	See above.
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.	Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.	Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
Floor blurred.	You are looking through bottom of empty glass.	Get someone to buy you another beer.
Floor moving.	You are being carried out.	Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Room seems unusually dark.	Bar has closed.	Confirm home address with bartender.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.	Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.	Cover mouth.
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.	You are dancing on the table.	Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
Beer is crystal-clear.	It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.	Punch him.
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.	You have been in a fight.	Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.	You've wandered into the wrong party.	See if they have free beer.
Your singing sounds distorted.	The beer is too weak.	Have more beer until your voice improves.
Don't remember the words to the song.	Beer is just right.	Play air guitar.