REVELATION
I have been approached on the street by many who want to be shown the way. But it seems that they do not know which way this is. ‘Would it be across the street?’ they ask. ‘If I follow the guy in front of me will I find it?’ ‘Will that woman on the corner in the tight leather skirt and the heavy makeup lead me in the right direction?’ There seems to be some confusion as to what my role in the way of salvation is. I shall elucidate as to what exactly my cause is. As I said in my Lost Extract of Genesis (Read it!) the bible as it is known today is a fictional piece. Italian monks totally stuffed it up.
But I have in my possession the original texts, the bible as it was meant to be. You have read the Genesis extract (if not, read it!), and now for your salvation comes the sequel, ah I mean next part thing . . .
REVELATION is possibly the most important book in the real bible. In the bible you would have read it is just a mush of drug induced hallucinations. The real Revelation is a hallucination, which has absolutely no link with drugs at all.
So, it is therefore my purpose to steer you away from the tainted teachings of Catholicism, and all other current religions derived from Christianity (including the blood-obsessed orgy that is the Anglicanism). Come with me people and join my church. Please drop a one hundred-dollar note or eight in the collection drum. All payments are tax deductable, those who use credit cards will be awarded with a free reservation in Heaven - valid only if you die in the next two hours as a result of shark attack in Arabia or small pox. You must become involved with my new religion, the key to salvation . . .
NEW AGE CHRISTIANITY Read the following summary from the real REVELATION and then take the following steps.
But do not, despite what some imitation new age Christian churches will tell you, do the following
And with the completion of these steps, NTM will be able to help you on your way to the light. (Remember children do not wander off into just any light as this can lead to serious injury. Especially avoid two lights that move together. And please note that the light you are seeking is existent only in a metaphysical sense. Guru Al will not be held accountable for the actions of the stupid, mentally impaired or casually gullible)
Gather round now, closer to me. Make sure you hear all I have to say. Please tall people make way for midgets, let them to the front. Sorry, but any One Nation or Liberal party members present can immediately leave, there is no hope for you. All those with tattoos proclaiming that "I killed my mother because Satan told me to", on their arm or other body parts, please form a straight line in front of the gas chamber. I mean . . . ah, mess hall, yes that’s right the mess hall, with the big sign out the front saying ‘suite of death’ (nice save, they shouldn’t have noticed a thing. Heh heh, candy from a baby).
Well the long-winded explanation is almost over. And for those who don’t know that they can just use the scroll bar to skip this bit, here is some more crap for you to read before the point is gotten to.
While the church of Cocker Spaniel, and its high priest Daniel rant on about the power of the goat and pumpkin and their role in the apocalypse, this REVELATION extract (A summary that gets the basic gist of the original. Hey! I am saving you the excruciating boredom - not to say that the Lord’s book is at all dull – of reading approximately eighteen thousand and four clay tablets) is all you need to light (remember it’s just a metaphor) the path t’ward enlightenment.
REVELATION
So how do I start? I like had this dream, and it was like, whoa freaky. And there were these lions with eight heads and they were dancing on top of this golden chariot. So I turned to Mabel and I says, ‘Mabel that’s like the freakiest shit I ever seen.’ She agreed. So this guy comes down and he says ‘hey, wanna come for a ride.’ And me and Mabel we says ‘Shit yeah!’ The lions disappeared and we got into the chariot and took off and there were all these sounds like bang, boom, crrrsshhh, aeeeccckk, and oooolllp. So we were flying in this chariot and we saw this giant Lima bean having an argument with a chicken with eight heads. I asks the man, I says ‘Where are we going man?’ And he says, ‘Like we are going to heaven, you know.’ ‘Groovy, I can dig it.’ When we got to heaven we were like whoa. It was so freaky man. It was bigger than our beach house on Crete. We got out and I saw this f$&king big throne with red carpet coming from it. This guy sat on the throne. He was really tall and had this long, really long, grey hair, that reached down to his knees, and a beard, yeah a really big beard and that. His throne was all golden and shimmering and I says to the man who took us there, I says "Who is this old geezer then?" And the man he says "Oh, that’s the lord, you know?" And me and Mabel, we were like totally freaked and were going like yeah and whoa and that, and then the man turned to the guy in throne and he says "Your disciples oh lord!" And the old man stood, like eight feet tall and that, and said too us in a booming voice, "I have waited long for you my disciples!" And I was all like "Whoa, disciples? What do we have to do and that?" The old man walked over to a misty corner of the place we were and he said, "look there disciple", and I looked and I said "That’s just a potplant man", and he looked at me and smiled. He said, "No, look there." So I was looking and that and I could see where he was pointing was like the earth and that. I could see the world from where I was standing, way up high and that, and it freaked me out. |
Mabel was all like whoa and shit, and I was like yeah and that. "A task for you, disciples," the old man said to us, "I want you to inform the people of the earth that one day the end will come." And I was like freaking, like it was going to be a big job and all, eh? "Go now with Ezekiel and he will show you what must be told." So I was like looking around and that, saying where the hell is this Ezekiel guy, and then the old man points to the guy who had brought us there. So me and Mabel, we were like in a golden flying chariot with this Ezekiel guy and flying through the sky and seeing like all of this weird shit. "When the end comes," Ezekiel said, "there will be fire and brimstone raining down upon the earth." He showed us this Sheep with eight heads that was in front of these eight plates and it was like dancing and then this Greek woman with eight breasts like came along and was like singing and dancing and starting smashing the plates. When the eighth plate was smashed the sky turned red and then a dragon with the breasts and head of a woman came down from the sky breathing fire on the people there as they ran and screamed. I was like going whoa and Mabel was like totally agreeing and that and we saw the earth move and open up and all these dead people started to crawl out of it. They were like standing around without no shit to do and that and then the dragon came down breathed fire on them all, and then little bits of flame turned into a big red cross on the foreheads of some people and green ticks on the heads of others. And they were like all going whoa and that. And then a million gold chariots filled the sky and started going back and forth carrying the people with the ticks on their heads to the sky. The ground rumbled and in places it rose and became like all these big volcanos that were spewing fire and lava and shit man, and the people with the crosses were all like shit and that as the earth opened beneath their feet and they fell into hell, screaming out as the flames tore at their flesh and seared their skin, relentlessly agonisingly torturing them. Mabel was all like "This is totally awesome!" And I was like all "No shit!" And then Ezekiel says to us "This is what will happen at the end. Those who sinned shall burn, those pure shall rise and find glory." The earth disappeared in front of us and the chariots flew down into a misty clowd and Ezekiel landed on the ground and we got out and like I suddenly woke up and that and Mabel was like all, "Golden Chariot, nah I don’t remember any of that man." Yeah and that was like all of it and that. |
Well there you go, the stirring words of truth. Just makes you want to dance doesn’t it!?
Thanks a quiddle to:
IGOR – Well I am not sure what exactly Igor has done, but she (cough, cough) seems to think that she (hack, cough) deserves recognition. And damn it, why not? Thankyou very much for the care you’ve taken, thankyou very much, thankyou very very very much. Thankyou very much for taking us camping . . . Oh, sorry. It’s just that Cadbury’s Ad, you know the one? Cadbury, the chocolate company. Chocolate? The brown, yummy stuff? Thankyou very much for the . . . no? Well what should I expect? NTM will teach you I s’pose.
SWEET BOSOM - my faithful, dependable, kind, generous, lovable, soft, bouncing, voluptuous, silky, warm, slippery, smooth, tender, squishy, plasticine-like personal assistant, with whom I have a totally ‘platonic’ relationship.
NINE TURNING MIRRORS – for wise consultations and aiding me in the conversion of the masses.
ANVIL-FALLS-ON-COYOTE – for just trying to help. Even though the free loader burnt down three of our churches and ate Sweet Bosom’s small Scottish terrier. He managed to waste eighteen tonnes of staples on his supposed ‘doomsday machine’, scared off most of our parishioners with his ‘elephant’ impersonation, filled the Sacred House Of Fred Basset with peanut shells and even lost a whole bus load of Taiwanese tourists who we were hoping to convert. F**k you AFOC, you stupid damn . . . Happy place, happy place, smiling faces, sun shining, clear blue skies, furry bunny rabbits frollicking in the dewy grass, endless fields of flowers... Yeah, ah great job.
GORF – everybody’s favourite superhero. His fine stitch work on the church’s choir uniforms was just dandy.
HOCHLOR – the poor failed, and virtually powerless demon who dwells within me. His assistance in helping me achieve booming, guttural tones in talking to my large congregation is extremely appreciated. And in allowing me to vomit when ever I want to has given me the status of ‘Heart of the Party’ at any social gathering.
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EMAIL: Guru Al gurual_hfh@yahoo.com The yFalminican Republic - yfalminica@hotmail.com©2000 GuRu inc.