Q:

As a support person I have this urge to hug the person, to show how much I love them, and this is not well received.  I can kind of understand this, but I want to know what it is I CAN do to show that this person is worthy of love and to show that I love them.

Thank you for using guestbook to pose your question.  This question has a very complex answer.  While it is possible that the survivor has learned either directly or indirectly that they are unworthy of hugs or love, there are so many different reasons that a survivor might not want to be hugged.  Depending on the individual, you may or may not be part of the reason.  I have learned that there are a fair amount of people out there who have been taught that being given a hug or even a Kleenex  means that they are expected to shut up and stuff all of their feelings.  If they are crying, yelling, or sharing at the time, these seemingly innocent acts can actually stop their healing process dead in their tracks, and the moment is then gone.  If this is the reason for your particular situation, you might find the individual then gets very silent, feeling they are no longer free to share.  Another reason could be that their abuser hugged them, causing them to suffer what is known as body memories everytime they get hugged.  Also, survivors often find that at some point they become disconnected with their feelings.  This causes them to be dissinterested in activities such as hugging.  You might find that in these cases, the survivor might return your hug, but it may seem unaffectionate or like a labour to them.  Some survivors just simply feel repelled by hugs and/or other forms of contact or affection, and may not even have become aware of the reason why they are reacting in that particular way yet.  Sometimes feelings or issues become so overwhelming, that the survivor becomes somewhat clausterphobic, and desperately wants everybody to observe the three foot rule.  Maybe the survivor feels that hugs and love are merely part of a barter system.  In this case, the feeling is that if they accept these from someone, they'll end up owing more than they are prepared to give.   Finally, the problem could simply be that dealing with abuse, personal, family, financial, and/or health issues has left them temporarily emotionally bancrupt.  They simply have nothing to give.  You may be reading this thinking that you just want to give them a little something, and don't want anything in return.  If that is the case, then I challenge you to consider the fact that a hug is a partnership.  You may want to try receiving a hug from somebody without giving any of yourself.  You will inevitably find that you either end up having to give a little bit of yourself, or that a little bit of yourself is taken.  Even this tiny little bit can prove to be devastating to someone with nothing left to give.  These are all possible reasons whose cause do not involve the supporter.  We will now look at the ones who do.  It is possible that the survivor may have unresolved issues with you that may or may not be related to their abuse.  Also, the survivor may or may not be aware of these issues at this time on a concious level.  The second possibility is that you may be too needy, and if this is the case, it is quite possible that you are unaware of it.  So now that you've read this huge list of possibilities, we come to the second part of your question:  What to do about it?  You can start off by openning a dialogue with the person involved.  Tell them that you've been doing some learning to help you become a better support person.  Started off this way, the survivor does not feel the need to be defensive or protective.  Next, tell them about your observations regarding their level of acceptance of hugs.  Ask the individual if it is ok to discuss it with them.   Make sure that your body language and tone of voice are telling them that they really do have a choice.  If they feel that they are unable to talk about it at the moment, let it go.  Tell them you understand and that you'll be available to talk about it when they feel ready.  If they do agree to talk about it, ask them if they know why it is that they seem unwilling to accept hugs, and if there is anything you should be doing differently.  If it turns out that they do happen to know these things already, then it is important for you to follow through and abide by their wishes.  Should they not know already, discuss the things you've learned with them.  Let them decide what fits their situation and what does not.  This may take some time for them to do.  Once again, ask how you can best support them.  Tell them what your motivation was for wanting to hug them.  To do this, you must have already put a great deal of thought into the matter.  Are you hugging them to make yourself feel better?   Sometimes support people have a hard time separating their feelings from those of the survivor.  Are you trying to "make everything better", or trying to "fix them"?  Many of us, men and women alike have been taught that if someone talks about a problem or uncomfortable feelings, then we must solve the problem.  We feel responsible for what has happenned to them.  The support person is responsible for supporting the survivor's efforts to heal and to make them aware of any resources they come across.  You must remember to try not to do it for them.  Or, are you just simply trying to tell them that you love them?  If your motives are pure, then your delivery and the survivor's ability to receive need work.   If it turns out that the survivor has issues with you, make sure you are prepared to deal with it before agreeing to discuss it.  You might find you will need a support person of your own.  In the end, no matter what the cause, openning up an honest, caring, open-minded dialogue will be a definite message of concern and love.  If they have trouble with love, assure them that they were born deserving of love and that nothing they have ever done or could ever do could possibly change that.  If they equate love with abuse, make sure that you tell them that love is never abusive, and is always healing.  Be sure they hear this more often than once.  Years worth of damage and trauma can not be undone with words spoken once.  Above all else, make sure you always ask permission to enter their space, whether it be to give them a hug, hold their hand, or give them a Kleenex.  Be patient.  With time you will see a change.

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