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Hmm... I would say that the very first thing is to let her talk. She needs to vent to someone, and to feel like she's important enough to be heard. When she is done, ask her how that made her feel, and maybe how she's feeling now. This is an important step, as she's been receiving the message from him that her feelings are trivial. Tell her her feelings are valid, and that it is ok for her to feel the way she does. Another important step, as by now she is probably questionning her feelings, wondering if maybe he's right. Maybe she is a loser, or a cry-baby, or a nag, or any of a number of nasty little things that might have been said to her. After you have validated her feelings, take her by the hand (if she's calmed down enough by now,) and make eye contact while asking her what it is you can do for her. There is a good chance that she will not have a clear answer for you. As a matter of fact, she might have no answer at all, and will be confused by the question. This is ok. The whole point is to validate her feelings, and reinforce her value as a human being. Try to maintain eye and hand contact, and tell her gently that this is called abuse. It is emotional abuse, and that marriage is not a licence to abuse, but to honour, cherish and protect. Women have won the right to be free citizens, with all the same benefits as men under the Charter of Rights a long time ago, yet many women and men seem to be frozen in the thinking that men are allowed to hurt women in a form of "ownership" once they are married. (Likewise, the same feeling seems to apply to the way some parents seem to think of their children.) She might not be aware it's abuse, or she may be in denial, or she may simply need to hear someone else say it. Expect to go through this several more times. An abuse victim will often stay stuck in the rutt of abuse for very long periods of time. Her self-esteem is shattered, she questions her ability to "see things clearly", she feels vulnerable, weak and confused. She is told many times that she is stupid, worthless, hateful, that nobody in their right mind would want her, and it effects her ability to believe in herself and her judgement. One of the things I hear most from supporters is, "I hear her say the same thing over and over again, why won't she just DO something about it?! Enough is enough already!" It is said that for every hurtful thing that is said/done to us, we need to hear the apology or positive counterpart seven times before we can truly heal from it. That is how deeply our psychies get hurt. Now imagine how often this woman has experienced her abuse. Sad to say, but so far, the abuser is winning. Have patience, and continue to combat his harm with gentle love and lots of information. Download information about what defines abuse and print it out for her to see. Go to a local women's shelter, and gather pamphlets. (These might not only carry more weight than something off the net, but they will also most likely have phone numbers to call. Ask about a 24hr hotline phone number for your friend. These are the best. They give the abused the opportunity to talk to a live, informed person anonymously, during the throws of her confusion and pain. Often, the abuse occurs "after hours," and by morning it is "forgotten." Another reason why it will take some time for her to take action, is she married this man for a reason. Whatever that reason was, she needs to believe that she made the right choice, and that this man, "who has such a sweet and vulnerable side", will not only change, but that he needs her to survive. This sentiment of being needed and helping to save our loved one, is very powerful, and it's hold on a woman is probably more powerful than fear. As you teach your friend about abuse, start to encourage her to make a plan, and define your role in this plan. Let her know what you are willing to do to help. Finally, encourage her to seek counseling. These people are trained, and can be very good at cutting away the haze of abuse that clouds her vision and thinking. (You could always just tell the husband that she is going to a counselor to learn how to be a better wife, and not be so annoying anymore, should he find out and take issue with it. If you make it sound sincere, he might just buy it and let her go without much of a hassle.) I must remind you that I am not a counselor, and that any advise given would be best reviewed with a professional in the field. Good luck, and thanks for caring so much about your friend. |
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