Dagomiharad Dispatch

September 9th through September 15th

National Headlines

Forwaith’s Darkest Day

In one of the most tragic events in the history of the United States of the World, Our Lady of Pompeii was destroyed, bearing nearly 2000 students. The officials state that 453 students were recovered from the building. Nearly 1,500 children are expected dead from the explosion. The Fire Department has spent countless hours recovering the bodies of the children and staff that were destroyed. The attack occurred at approximately 11:45 and it is being rumored that the explosion was caused by something inside of the school, most likely an explosive of some sort. Authorities have no suspects at this time. None have been released. The City of Forwaith, New York is on full security and no major events will be taking place in the city. All major sporting events will be moved to the city of New York, New York.
-Meriodic Jolstern, Dagomiharad Dispatch

Movie Stars Butcher 42

In what is one of the most fascinating events in our country’s history, actors Arnold Schwarzenegger and Alexander Hamilton along with FBI Agent, Sasha Ming David and Hamilton’s agent, Mr. James Matheson invaded a most likely fouly armed Orthanc Tower in Northern Forwaith, New York. What govornment agents are calling, “An accident and misunderstanding,” actors Schwarzenegger and Hamilton were forced to defend themselves against nearly 60 fully trained govornment officials, leaving 41 of their own dead along with Hamilton’s agent, Matheson. Matheson was a former CIA agent along with Hamilton. The authorities were alarmed that something was going down at the building after hearing what appeared from a far off distance, a mini gun firing inside of a building. There were also reports that head of the officials, Jarvis Demochi, captured the group and forced Ms. Davis to face him in a one on one sword fight. “He had some sick obsession with the idea of fighting someone and taking their head, I take claim that he is likely responsible for most, if not all, of the beheadings that have been showing up all over the city!” exclaimed Hamilton after being questioned briefly by one of the reporters. Davis who is a skilled martial artist who has been studying Tae Kwon Do for sometime was able to defeat Demochi in a gruesome battle leaving Demochi headless. Despite the fact that the govornment felt these slayings were “an accident,” it is popular opinion in Dagomiharad, Florida that there is something wrong going on in the govornment.
-Krystal Long, Dagomiharad, Dispatch

Carl Robinson Murdered

Sadly professional baseball player, Carl Robinson was found dead Thursday September 12th behind a local Food Lion in Dagomiharad, Florida. Robinson was in town playing a series of baseball games with the New York Yankees against the Dagomiharad Slapjacks when the murder took place. Carl Robinson had just pitched a few days earlier winning a decision against their opponents. Robinson will be remembered as one of the most innovative pitchers to make his way to the majors in some time. Reports state that Robinson was likely killed by a sword or a sharp weapon as his he was found separated from his head. Officials suspect dirty play involved. This is a sad day for the world of baseball as all games were canceled the following day in respect for the fallen baseball player.
-Barry Blackwater, Dagomiharad Dispatch

Entertainment

WWE to Dagomiharad

World Wrestling Entertainment will make its way into Dagomiharad, Florida for its highly anticipated “Monday Night RAW” telecast on Monday- December 30th, 2002! Tickets are $50 for floor tickets, $45 for lower level and $35 for upper level tickets. Stars scheduled to perform are talents such as Triple H, Scott Steiner, Rob Van Dam and Shawn Michaels! This is expected to be a spectacular event with a well policed staff after the events of late in Forwaith, New York. “We are not going to be intimidated by terrorism!” yelps WWE owner, Vincent McMahon. “We are going to keep doing what we do as a country and keep the show going!” Fans are encouraged to show their support and not miss this great event.
-Jed Hamilton, Dagomiharad Dispatch

Britney Spears to do Tribute in Dagomiharad

Pop star Britney Spears is set to perform a HUGE show at Uber Dome Coliseum on Tuesday- December 31st for New Year’s Eve. Britney’s show was such a success the last time she was here in September that she has decided to return for an encore. However, this time the show will go out to those in the military as well as all the fire fighters in the city. It is free of charge to the public. Britney is excited about returning to Dagomiharad for show spent part of her childhood here in Dagomiharad performing in the Mickey Mouse Club. “I’m so excited, I have a lot of old friends who are going to be here, and I’m ready to put on the best show I’ve done on the whole tour! I hope there is a big turn out, this is going to be show to remember! Not to mention I love being able to give back to the community all that it has given to me.” exclaimed Ms. Spears who recently split up with boyfriend Justin Timberlake of N’Sync. Tickets are still available.
-Bridget Jones, Dagomiharad Dispatch

Open Auditions for ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’

Buffy lives! The city of Dagomiharad, Florida will be holding an open try out for Buffy the Vampire slayer. It is said that they are looking for people to play vampires. They are looking for some who can perform stunts and do fight choreography as well as people to play some vamps for Buffy herself to slay in some episodes that are scheduled to be taped in the city in either February or March. All with any acting background or even love for the show are encouraged to show up for the auditions which will take place on Saturday, December 28th at Disney MGM Studios. Resumes are encouraged.
-Manja Stringquantaz, Dagomiharad Dispatch

Obituaries

Vincent Denofrio

Date of Death: September 9, 2002
Cause of Death: Beheaded
Location of Death: Abandoned Train Station

Notes: It appeared that Denofrio, owner of “Vincent’s Expert Karate” had been having quite a bit of arguing going on with rival school “Sun Jian’s Kung Fu,” for quite a bit of time. It is rumored that the two had several arguments and even a battle which left Denofrio without a hand. However, this is only speculation and not fact. It was reported by students of Denofrio that the day of his death, that Sun Xian Jun, owner of “Sun Jian’s Kung Fu,” made his way over and ‘waved’ at Mr. Denofrio causing a heated debate. Later that night they found Denofrio’s headless body found at the Abandoned train station. He will be missed.

Sun Xian Jian

Date of Death: September 10, 2002
Cause of Death: Beheaded
Location of Death: Outside of Sasuke’s Massage Parlor

Notes: In what is likely a ‘retrobution’ act, it was said that Sun Xian Jian was attacked by several men on foot. Apparently he was shot by a poison dart and one of the men in retrobution to Denofrio’s death, removed his head with a sword of some kind. Then girlfriend of Jian, Ms. Kim Sube was witness and said, “This is the worst day of my life! These men were stalking me, Jian came to help me and they struck him down! Why can’t people let things be? Sun was innocent of the crimes against this Denofrio figure!” cried Ms. Sube. Both schools are closed for the record.

Darius Aman Morteza

Date of Death: September 11, 2002
Cause of Death: Beheaded
Location of Death: Oakhurt Apartments

Notes: Very little is understood about this situation. It appears that Mr. Morteza broke into the home of a Ms. Kathrine Ann Cissell and attacked her with a sword. Some locals claimed she had been practicing with her sword in case she was attacked, but no official account was ever said of this being true. However, it appears that both Morteza and Ms. Cissell attempted to take place in what appears to be a sporting event in the city, to see who can cut off the most heads, and this left both ‘participants’ headless and the apartment in shambles. Ms. Cissell is reported as responsible for Morteza’s death.

Kathrine Ann Cissell

Date of Death: September 11, 2002
Cause of Death: Beheaded
Location of Death: Oakhurt Apartments

Notes: Ms. Cissell’s apartment at Oakhurt was seiged by Mr. Darius Aman Morteza. She defended herself taking off Morteza’s head, though her’s was lost as well. It’s a sad day when neighbors just can’t get along anymore. Its also sad when an argument can’t be solved anyway except through a head removing combat. Neither will be missed.

Christopher Phries

Date of Death: September 11, 2002
Cause of Death: Beheaded
Location of Death: Vana Forrest

Notes: It is said that the body of youngster Christopher Phries, 15, was found out in Vana Forrest beaten badly and beheaded. The boy’s arm was also removed in what appears to be a sword. Some close to him say that he went out to the woods to camp and find some peace, though it appears he picked the wrong place to camp and was killed. His arm was also removed in the encounter and he had several slash marks across his tattered body. Poor boy.

Sukuyo Fuji

Date of Death: September 12, 2002
Cause of Death: Beheaded
Location of Death: Trips Night Club

Notes: Apparently by several eye witnesses, Mr. Fuji, a former professional sumo wrestler picked a fight with a local man of African race. Reports that the African man stood approximately 6 feet tall, give or take an inch and looked to weigh about 190 pounds. He had a shaved head and looked like an average young teenager. It is reported that several saw the two walk out of the club. Fuji was found dead and the other man was never seen again. No more is known about this.

Ethan Lee

Date of Death: September 13, 2002
Cause of Death: Beheaded
Location of Death: Butterstick Stadium

Notes: Ethan Lee, a good citizen of our city was found dead in the outfield of Butterstick stadium. It is reported that bullet holes and blood was also found all throughout the outfield, though no match has been made on the possible killer. Officials are looking into this. They had a small clip of an African male making his way through the building, though the figure could not be made out well enough for him to be identified. Oh well.

Theresa Sanders

Date of Death: September 11, 2002
Cause of Death: Beheaded
Location of Death: Junkyard

Notes: It was reported that the body of Ms. Theresa Sanders was found in a rock pile just outside of the Junkyard of Dagomiharad. Several men claim witness to seeing a flashing light blinking outside of their small building and rushed to see what was going on. They claimed that they were too late though they saw a Caucasian female fleeing from the scene. “It was too dark, I couldn’t even tell how big she was, all I know is that it was a female,” barked worker Baxler Menson. Ms. Sanders was a teacher at the local Elementary School in Dagomiharad. ‘Tis a sad day for the entire city.

Father Christopher Jenova

Date of Death: September 15, 2002
Cause of Death: Beheaded
Location of Death: Azalea Apartments

Notes: Nothing is known about this mysterious death. It is reported that some people saw a mysterious African man making his way through the apartment complex and shortly saw an electrical disturbance and saw the African man calmly walking away from the scene again. However, no evidence points this man as the killer. Not at all.

That’s the news for this week, tune in next week to see what else happens in this crazy city!