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Photo at Right Provided by Andy Z ( andyz@ix.netcom.com )
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you...The 1999 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by
a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot
flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did
not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal,
pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes
both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in
conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a
machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a
hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall
until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the
awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose
cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away
to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time
the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid
being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with
all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET
POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.
You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around
the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the
bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS
NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help
you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and
identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building
where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a
pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the
stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at
work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR
leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective
when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD
BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all
doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave
the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel
a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee.
Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or
sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax
while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load
when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the
other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the
bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a
FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you
constantly going into the bathroom.
Provided by Pooh!
The Latest in Employer/Employee Relationships
To: All Employees
From: Management
RE: Restroom PolicyIn the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under information guidelines.
Effective June. 1, 1999, a Restroom Trip Policy (RTP) will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time.
Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip Credit of 20. Restroom Trip Credits can be accumulated from month to month. Within two weeks, the entrances to all restrooms are being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice recognition devices. Before May 31, each employee must provide two copies of voiceprints (one normal and one under stress) to Management. The voice print recognition will be in operation, but not connected to restrooms until the end of the month. Employees should acquaint themselves with these stations during that period.
If an employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restroom will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the month. In addition, any restroom stalls that are occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract, the toilet will flush and the stall door will open. If the stall still remains occupied, your picture will be taken. The picture will then be posted on the wall in the main office. This is being done to eliminate dilly-dallying in the restrooms. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated.
If you have any questions about the RTP, please ask your supervisor.
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