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The Joys of IBD ...

The Latest in Diagnostic Criteria:
You Know You Have IBD When . . .

Posted by Gopher Boy

• . . . you carry a spare pair of underwear and baby wipes in the glove box of your car.
• . . . you start thinking that Charmin's 24-roll pack of t.p. is JUST NOT BIG ENOUGH!
• . . . your family is convinced your weight loss is due to being HIV positive.
• . . . your GI is more familiar with you "down there" than your spouse.
• . . . you start eating "no-no" foods trying to lose your prednisone weight.
• . . . you don't know if the bleeding is from the IBD or your period.
• . . . you spend so much time in the bathroom that you buy a cordless phone to take with you.
• . . . your friends say, "gee, I wish I could have THAT disease for 2 months" (to lose weight).
• . . . you go to the drugstore to buy yourself sanitary napkins, and you are male.
• . . . you buy liquid Immodium in 55 gallon drums.
• . . . animals will NOT go in YOUR bathroom.
• . . . you tamp when you used to wipe.
• . . . normal food is seen on TV...not in your fridge.
• . . . you know the location of every public bathroom in town.
• . . . your road atlas is marked with a red "X" for each public rest stop.
• . . . you find yourself shopping for brown underwear.
• . . . you and your baby share the same food.
• . . . your pharmacist says, "I see you more than I see my spouse!"
• . . . your kids do not have to look for you, they just go directly to the bathroom and panic if you are not in there.
• . . . a major decision about the family is decided while the whole family surrounds me on the toilet.
• . . . you are calling your GI doctor 1/2 hour after you have just seen him in his office, because something new has popped up on the ride home.
• . . . everytime you see the word "regular" you cross your fingers and say a little prayer.
• . . . you use a toilet with more than one cubicle, and as soon as you open your sphincter, everyone else makes a hasty exit.
• . . . you always *know* you're the most tight-arsed person in the room :-)
• . . . when you're walking down the street and people ask if you're doing a John Wayne impression.
• . . . in the middle of sloppy sex you discover it REALLY IS sloppy sex.
• . . . you're leaving the bathroom and have to turn right around and go back in.
• . . . in crowded public restrooms, you automatically flush BEFORE you "go", to drown out the noise.
• . . . in your dictionary, "barium" and "colyte" are 4-letter words.
• . . . your sphincter muscles are more finely tuned than an Indy car.
• . . . you call your folks and friends to brag about your solid BM's.
• . . . the family's dinner conversation usually includes a discussion of everyone's daily poop.
• . . . you live in the suburbs and have to add an extension onto your septic system.
• . . . you carry your own personalized toilet seat on your back wherever you go.
• . . . you get up in the morning and your skin has changed colors.
• . . . you eat supper and can make left-overs even when you've eaten it all. (gross, but true. )
• . . . you drop a bomb and then a real one within one minute. (Not sure what this one means, myself. )
• . . . you REALLY enjoy a normal bowel movement.
• . . . you plug up the toilet without even using arse wipe.
• . . . you start wearing diapers to bed. Again.
• . . . you use a different excuse every time you go to use the facilities.
• . . . you take your dog for a walk and carry two bags.

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