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The
HMO FAQ(provided by Darren, darren@netdoor.com)
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!
Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.
Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.
Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.
Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.
Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
provided by Maryjo (mjreynolds01@aol.com)
10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "an apple a day."
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little m's on them.
1. When you ask for Viagra, you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
A Few Quick Notes:
Andy R (andyr@ntsource.com)
provided these words of wit:If a Veteranarian drives a white Vette
And a Bullfighter drives a black Taurus
And a Sign maker drives a blue NeonThen what does a Proctologist drive?
... A Brown Probe of course!
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it. The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."Submitted by Jeff B
Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go, so they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again, so they tried "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives." Still not good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again, so they tried "Lost Souls and Assholes." Still no go. Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Queers and Rears," "Nuts and Butts," "Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" work either, so they finally settled on:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones,
Odds and Ends"Collected by, appropriately enough, Marla G (jdimarzio@neo.rr.com)
|
My Doctor:This is an interesting photograph, kind of a combination of the way he sees himself and the way I see him! |
Discussing dismemberment (or rectal exams) over gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
You find humor in other people's stupidity.
You believe in serial spraying of Prozac.
Your idea of comforting a child is placing him in a papoose restraint.
You believe that "Shallow Gene Pool" should be a diagnosis.
You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce.
You think unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says "Boy it sure is quiet around here."
When you are out in public you compliment complete strangers on their veins.
You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide ... Getting it Right the First Time".
You have ever had to leave a patient's room before laughing hysterically.
You think caffeine should be available IV form.
You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
You commonly utter the phrase "What changed tonight at 2 AM that made this an emergency AFTER 6 MONTHS?!"
You believe that "Too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis.
You think putting a Valium salt lick in the ER waiting room is a novel idea.
When you mention vegetables, you are not thinking of a food group.
You have been exposed to so many X-rays, you don't bother with birth control.
You have used the words "Healthcare Reform" to strike fear in the hearts of co-workers.
You have heard "Why, I don't know how that got stuck in there" too many times.
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