Years ago, after Thundercats went off the air because kids moved onto mutant turtles or some sh*t, I left Hollywood to finish my Literary Doctorate degree at Princeton. Now, I bring that wealth of knowledge to you, the lowly videogame player. It's a fu**ing shame how you pr*cks play that game and never experience the finer things in life. So, I shall bring them too you in this forum. You're welcome. And by they way, that's right. Not only do I  curse, but I also smoke! - Professor Snarf, June, 2001

July 16th, 2001:
It's time for yet another article by senior staff writer Vort. I understand that it's Vort's birthday tomorrow. With that in mind, I'd like to quote the great band "Faith No More", and their song "The Gentle Art of Making Enemies". Ahem. "Don't you act so surprised. Happy Birthday, Fucker. You blow those candles out, we're going to kick you, kick you."
You see, I enjoy all types of music. I'm a renaissance man, er...Snarf.

Untitled, by Vort
Well, this Week of Huteki has been really quite. Since no major event has happened, I’ll just sum up the minor events in the Risen world.
1) Mrs.Vort said yes, so I know own a shining copy of PSO v.2.
2) Zero also joined the Dark Side.
3) True Xero got kicked out of the Risen for moderating in a Non-Moderating Zone.
4) New Official Risen Chatroom created where everyone likes to say $*&# a lot.
5) I FOUND A RED GUN!! Then I Found A RED GUN!! Then I Found a Red Gun! Then I Found a red gun. Then I found a FREAKIN red gun. Then I started throwing my red guns at Barbles. (ed. note: I found a giant red sword!)
6) Battle Mode (Warp) is labeled as crap.
7) Kara was marked as a Warp Battle Zone Cheater.
8) Zero beats up on Mrs.Vort in a Battle Mode to up his Wins. (ed. note: She asked for it)
9) Vort starts his Quest for the Fabled Hive Sword.
10) Orb gets sick from eating Hairless Wombats. Says, “They taste like chicken.”
11) Uji gets Pie.
12) Demfcane officially becomes the most hated man in the PSO world.
13) Thundar realizes that West Coast Time really sucks.
14) Darkshire won’t let us make bat jokes.
15) Ryko declares who is the Poo Poo Head.
16) A committee decides that VortNet starts WWII.
17) Uji gets Pie.
18) Zero debates to Huteki or not to Huteki the (CENSORED) girl.
19) Orb’s and Zero’s chat symbols are labeled as “Cool.”

July 7th, 2001:
Hello students. I trust you've had a great week, with your Fourth of July and your Rap music. While you imbeciles were out watching things explode in the sky like stunned parakeets, I was out enjoying an amazing exhibit of early American quilts.
While admiring the fine workmanship of the stitching, I ran into an old college mate of mine, Doctor Spridle. Yes, the lovable scamp who played Speed Racer's younger brother has grown up and become one of the top metaphysicists in the world. Dr. Spridle and I share a fair amount in common. We both rose above our pop culture roots and achieved much success in the real world, and we both have been the target of media hounds after our unfortunate lows.
Dr. Spridle almost broke into tears as he told me the story of how The National Enquirer ran a story about his candy addiction and chimpanzee fetish. Every man has his faults, but when you're famous, those faults are amplified tenfold.
The great Dr. Spidle has risen above all of his faults, from his recently renewed fear of car trunks to his refusal to wear anything but a cap and red overalls. I admire him very much, and told him so in the museum expresso shop. And when Spridle refused to pick up the check, I reminded him I know who the real father of Speed and Trixie's first 2 sons are. He then gladly paid and agreed to pick up my next 2 years rent at The Royal Arms apartments.
So you see students, going to the museum is fun, educational, and sometimes very lucrative.

June 29th, 2001:
Professor Snarf has taken off today to go on a three day retreat to Robear Berbil Bill's Liquory and Strip Joint. Hopefully he'll be back on Monday.