Issue 5
Part Two of 'Proto-Typical Male'

Previously…While trying to solve the ‘Grey Man’ case, Inadequate Man is attacked by a stranger on the way to Dr. Amy Covest’s office. Sexually frustrated due to stickers and a persistent Drew Mate, Inadequate Man learnt of yet another murder, while they are still no closer to finding the killer.

As he staggered into the kitchen, Gerbil greeted him with a smile and the morning paper. Bacon and eggs were cooking on the stove, and a glass of orange juice was sitting where he usually had breakfast.

“Gerbil, you went to bed later than I did. How can you be so…chipper?”

“Sir, my mother used to say that morning was the best time of the day, everything was refreshed and all the problems of yesterday forgotten.”

“Didn’t she also say night was the best time to think as you could relax and truly examine everything that had happened during the day?”

“She most probably did, sir. My mother used to say a lot of things. Which is probably why I am such a good listener,” Gerbil chuckled to himself.

The front page of the ‘Premise Press’ showed a picture of the two latest crime scenes; with the headline ‘Grey Man killing twice as fast as police can think’. Kane rubbed at his temples.

Seeing that Drew had written the article, he remembered the sun dress she had been wearing the day before. Shaking his head, he muttered, “too bloody early in the morning for that.”

“I beg your pardon, sir?”

“What…nothing. Just reading the article.”

The article went on to describe the incompetence of the police force’s investigations, and told of the rumour that they had called in Inadequate Man to help them. Maybe Drew had believed him when he said that he was working on a case yesterday.

“Gerbil, what do you think of my combat suit?” Kane asked.

“I think it is very good, sir. The latest polyurethane latex is the strongest yet, and I was very impressed at the fine stitching.”

“No, not that. What do you think of the colours?”

“Blue and red are splendid colours, sir. Though that man over in…Metropolis, I think it is…his use of the colours is simply appalling. And a suit made of spandex! Honestly, if that is not an outcry of repressed homosexuality, then I don’t know what is. Not like latex, sir, which is much more manly!”

“So you don’t think someone who wears a red and blue coloured latex suit would need…therapy?”

“Of course not, sir.”

Gerbil returned to the stove, flipping the eggs. He was not sure, but Kane could have sworn Gerbil mumbled under his breath, “wearing red and blue coloured latex is the bloody least of your problems, sir.”

“Did you say something, Gerbil?”

“No. Of course not, sir.”

Setting the plate of bacon and eggs in front of the Kane, Gerbil quickly left the table to wash up the frying pan.

“The Commissioner called this morning before you rose, sir. There was yet another murder. Except this time, there may be a lead.”

“There was a witness.” Kane asked, excited.

“Yes, sir.”

“What are we waiting for? We have to talk to him!”

“Unfortunately he’s dead, sir. It appears the killer attacked the girlfriend of a biker, and he was caught when the biker went to look for her.”

“And the biker attacked him?”

“Correct, sir, and was killed in the process.”

“So how does this help us?”

“The killer stole his Harley Davidson. The police are hoping they may be able to track down the killer through this.”

Kane nodded and returned to his bacon and eggs. He flicked the paper over to the cartoons and giggled as he read them.

“I also received a phone call from the laboratory. They asked if we could pick up the results on the grey matter.”

“Did they tell you what it was.”

“Yes. They said it was…brain tissue.”

Kane spat out a mouthful of bacon. Gerbil quickly wiped it up with the dishcloth.

“Human brain tissue, to be exact, sir. They are running DNA tests to see if this might help track the killer, but their hopes are not very high.”

Kane nodded, staring at the remainder of his breakfast still sitting on the plate. He no longer felt very hungry. Pushing the plate away, he went to change into his combat suit.

As they left for the laboratory, Kane stared out the window. Houses streamed by; they lived in the only area of Premise City that still had houses and not apartment blocks.

He couldn’t concentrate, all the clues did not seem to fit right. A killer who left the bodies naked, but didn’t rape them. A killer who seemed to kill out of rage, but who left a calling card. And the calling card, human brain smeared on the legs of the victim was too strange for Kane to contemplate. None of it made sense.

‘Maybe I could ask Dr Covest for help again,’ he thought to himself as they neared the lab. ‘Not that she was much help the first time.’

They pulled up outside of Premise City Laboratories and Gerbil went in to get the results, leaving the radio on for Kane. Frustrated, Kane took the keys and got out of the car, feeling the need to pace.

As he closed the car door, he saw the man who had thrown him across the street the day before. It was a different flannelette shirt and baseball cap, but the same guy. He still carried the paper bag under his arm, though it didn’t appear to be as large.

Growling, Kane ran across the street and stopped in front of the man.

“That was really rude what you did yester-”

“Out of Steve’s way,” the man grunted.

He barged into Kane, knocking him to the ground.

Furious, Kane stood back up.

“Don’t you know who I am? I’m Inadequate Man!”

The man kept walking, mumbling for him to stay out of Steve’s way. He had almost reached the end of the block.

Growling again, Kane leapt into the air, flying low to the ground and building up speed. At the last minute, he angled upwards and drove his body into Steve’s shoulder blades, sending him crashing forwards.

Doing a small loop in the air, Kane landed in front of Steve, smiling triumphantly.

“Nobody disrespects Inadequate Man like that, you…Steve. Now if you will just apologi-”

Steve pushed himself up, his eyes on the crumpled bag on the pavement. Bits of broken glass had torn through the paper and the bag was wet from whatever had been in the bottles.

“You broke Steve’s stuff!”

Steve looked up at him, his bottom lip trembling. A vein pulsed in his forehead.

“Steve very angry!”

His arm snaked up, striking Kane across the face, spinning him in the air before he landed on the footpath. As he landed, Kane wished he had worn his combat helmet.

Before he was able to get up, Steve was upon him. He grabbed Kane by his cape and swung him around, flinging him through a plate glass shop window.

Shaking his head, Kane sat up. It must have been a clothing store, as he had crashed into the change rooms when he landed. Above him, an old woman was frowning at him.

He yelped in pain as she hit him over the head with her handbag. Stepping over him, she clutched her cardigan to her chest.

“Honestly, what is this world coming to, “she said. “Men pretending to fight just so one of them can get a look at a poor woman’s bosoms. Honestly!”

Kane picked himself up and headed back out to the street. Steve pulled a trash can from where it had been cemented to the footpath and threw it at him. Kane ducked and the bin glanced across his shoulder. Snarling, Inadequate Man leapt into the air, flying above Steve’s head. As he passed over, he grabbed Steve by the shoulders and lifted him off the ground.

“Shit, this bastard is heavy.”

Kane picked up speed, still carrying Steve in the air. As they reached the end of the block, he let go of Steve, sending him tumbling onto the road before bouncing into the side of an office building.

Panting heavily, Kane watched Steve’s prone body for any sign of movement. Steve didn’t move.

Kane could hear the sound of sirens approaching; people must have reported the disturbance. Floating over to where Steve lay, Kane dropped to the ground and bent down to check if Steve was still breathing. He had hit the office building pretty hard.

“Steve very angry!!!”

A hand came up from nowhere to grab him by the throat, forcing him to his knees. Kane tried to pry the fingers apart as they almost crushed his windpipe, but couldn’t make them budge.

Steve got up, not easing the grip on Kane’s throat. A small amount of spittle had collected at the corner of his mouth, and Kane saw he was barely sweating.

“You make Steve angry. You going to pay.”

He pulled his hand back, lifting Kane off the ground. Putting all his weight behind it, he slammed Kane into the side of the office building.

Spots danced in front of Kane’s eyes as he still tried to push the fingers away from his throat. He kicked out at Steve, and tried to hit him in the head, anything to make him release his grip.

As he struck out, he knocked Steve’s baseball cap to reveal a shaved head. Around the left side of his skull, a scar was slowly healing, the stitches still in place.

Desperate, Kane grabbed at the stitches and tried to pull at them. He gripped one in his fingers and pulled, making the wound bleed.

Roaring in pain, Steve pulled back and slammed Kane’s head into the wall again, the concrete cracking beneath the impact. Pulling back, he slammed Kane against the wall again and again.

He could feel blood trickling down the back of his neck. His vision blurred and everything went black for a minute. Shaking his head, he opened his eyes to clear away the spots.

Steve threw him to the ground and everything went dark again. Kane groaned, thankful that Steve had stopped. He was not sure if he could survive any more.

He heard voices, but his vision hadn’t come back to him yet.

“Sir, are you all right?”

Gerbil! Kane tried to open his eyes, but they wouldn’t move.

“You leave us alone, old man. He hurt Steve’s stuff, so now Steve gonna hurt him.”

“Please, good man, that is my master you have there, and I would greatly appreciate it if you could kindly leave him alone and be on your way.”

“He hurt Steve’s stuff. Why would Steve wanna do that?”

“Well…I think the old adage ‘pick on someone your own size’ would be appropriate in this situation.”

“But you ain’t Steve’s size.”

“An excellent point, sir, but neither is Inadequate Man. So maybe you should find somebody your size and fight them.”

Kane forced his eyes open and saw Gerbil standing five feet away, a sword he kept in the boot of the car in his hands.

Steve appeared to be thinking, reaching down for his baseball cap and putting it back on his head.

Kane tried to speak, to warn Gerbil not to trust him, but he couldn’t get his mouth to make the sounds.

Gerbil saw that Kane was moving and inched closer. Distracted, he didn’t notice Steve rush forward until it was too late. He grabbed the arm Gerbil held the sword with and twisted, breaking his arm just below the elbow.

Gerbil cried out and dropped the sword as Steve lifted him up and threw him.

“Steve says no.”

The sirens had almost reached them, and the sound of helicopters were getting closer. Grunting, Steve ran off, leaving Kane lying on the ground.

Kane screamed, rage and adrenaline filling his body and he pushed himself into the air. Dizziness struck him and he crashed into the side of the building before dropping back onto the footpath.

Getting up slower this time, Kane scanned the area. Steve was nowhere to be seen, but neither was Gerbil.

“Gerbil! Where are you!”

Rushing to the other side of the street, he saw Gerbil lying on the footpath twenty feet away.

Stumbling over, he dropped to his knees next to his friend. Blood leaked out of a cut above Gerbil’s eye, and his hair was wet with blood from another cut. His arm was badly broken, and Kane could see the bone sticking up underneath the skin.

“Gerbil! Talk to me!”

Gerbil didn’t move. His face was pale, but Kane wasn’t sure if that was abnormal. Gerbil was pretty pale, anyway. He was English.

Kane checked for a pulse and found it. He checked for breathing and found that too, though it was very shallow.

“Gerbil, please wake up! You can’t leave me! I don’t even know which cupboard the plates are kept in the kitchen. I need you!”

But Gerbil lay there.

Through the commotion, he heard the sound of a motorcycle starting up. Looking up, he saw the bike turn out of a corner and head up the street. The rider was wearing a flannelette shirt and a baseball cap.

He thought of giving chase, but couldn’t leave Gerbil.

“Please wake up, Gerbil…you’re my only friend.”

Gerbil’s eyelids fluttered slowly before opening a fraction. He coughed and then groaned from the pain.

Kane turned his head and saw a Constable running towards them.

“Call an ambulance! We have an injured man here!”

The policeman nodded and reached into his car for the radio.

Gerbil had his eyes fully open, but his breathing was still shallow.

“I think I might leave the fighting up to you, sir. I don’t appear to be any good at it,” he said, weakly.

“You were excellent, Gerbil. You’re going to be fine.”

Gerbil nodded, slipping back into unconsciousness. Coughing, he opened his eyes again.

“Go catch him, sir. Make the bastard pay.”

Kane nodded, tears streaking his face. He gently lay Gerbil down to the ground and ordered the policeman to stay with him. Already, he could hear the ambulance sirens getting closer.

Standing up, Inadequate Man faced the direction where Steve had just left. The helicopters had reached the area and camera crews hung out the sides filming the scene below.

A crowd had begun to gather and Kane quickly wiped the tears from his eyes. A superhero should not be seen crying by the public.

Looking down at Gerbil trying to smile for him, he felt the rage grow within him. Looking up, he snarled.

“I’m coming for you, you bastard! Nobody hurts Inadequate Man’s friends and gets away with it!”

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