Issue 8
Part Two of 'Who's Robbing Who?'

“So you think you can beat me, do you?”

Inadequate Man chuckled as he said it to the two men in front of him. They were just standing there, staring at him, in their ridiculous looking plastic suits. Lying in the corner was the security guard, he hadn’t even had time to reach for his revolver before he had been shot.

The taller man raised his head, sneering at him from where the face had been cut out of the plastic balaclava.

“We got everything you do. We got ourselves latex suits for the ultimate protection. We got jet packs so we can fly like you.”

He turned around and Kane saw what looked like two gas tanks plugged into three exhaust vents. Kane wasn’t very mechanical, but they looked home made and very shonky.

“And we also got these.” They held up the gattling guns, the chains of ammunition reaching around their waist to where a box was tied to their belts.

Kane nodded his head, slightly impressed. Looking past the two thugs at the hostages behind them, he tipped his head to the right, indicating for them to make for the back door.

“So…what did you call yourselves again?”

“The S&M Boys, don’t you listen.”

“Whatever. You may have really big machine guns, but you forget I am ‘faster than a speeding bullet’.”

“No, you’re not. That’s Superman. He’s faster than a speeding bullet.”

“Yes, well. I’m almost as fast as a bullet going at a… ah… moderate speed, but that still won’t pierce my suit.”

The shorter, white guy, smiled. “That’s why we’s got special ammo. These are high caliber armour piercing bullets.”

“Oh.” Kane swallowed at the thought of something that might be able to hurt him. For a minute his vision swam, and he saw Steve bearing down at him, drool mixing with blood in a river that was slowly drowning him and Dr. Covest sitting on the riverbank cackling madly while eating an icy pole.

Shaking his head, Kane focused back to the S&M boys, who were looking at him strangely.

“Sorry about that, I…ah…got a little confused for a moment.”

All of the hostages had slowly crept out while he had kept them talking.

“So, boys…this is stupid. Can I have your real names?”

The tall one raised his gun, wary that this was a trap. “I’m Sam, and this is my brother Mark.”

“Your brother? But he’s white and you’re black. Were there different fathers.”

“Don’t know who our dad’s were. Now when we gonna start fighting. If this was a bloody comic book, I’d be getting bored by now!”

“Well, what are you going to give me for fighting you?”

“We’ll…we’ll give you the hostages.”

“But you don’t have any.”

Sam and Mark spun around to look at the empty bank and the open back door. Inadequate Man bolted to the security guard and back to where he was before they could turn around, the security guard’s holster now empty.

‘I may not be faster than a speeding bullet, but I’m faster than these two dimwits,’ he thought to himself as they turned around and raised both their guns.

“You tricked us. You did that whole weirding-out thing just so they could sneak out!”

“Yes…yes I did. So now what are you going to give me so I’ll fight you? The only thing left is for you to hand back the money.”

“The S and M don’t stand for Stupid and Moron, buddy.”

“Alright, how about a bet. We’ll fight, and if you win, you keep the money and get away. If I win, then I get the money and you get put away.”

Sam grinned. “Let’s go.”

“Not here! I’ll go out there and tell them to let you out with the money. Meet me at the docks in warehouse D. It used to belong to a gas and electric company. I’ll be there right after and we can fight there.”

Sam thought about it for a moment and then nodded.

Kane walked back into the sunlight, blinded by the cameras that were constantly taking photos. Stumbling over to where the Commissioner waited with the Bank Manager, he smiled.

“The’re going to come out in a minute and I’m going to fight them where we won’t hurt the bank.”

The Bank Manager grabbed his arm, squeezing hard. “The money, what about the money?”

“Yes, the hostages are all safe now, it was good of you to care. They are taking the money with them, but I’ll get it back once we fight.”

The Bank Manager turned green.

“Don’t worry, sir. I will get the money back, and I made them promise not to hurt your bank.”

Everyone dropped to the ground as a roar quickly built up before the S&M Boys shot out through a window, shattered glass spraying across the carpark. They quickly disappeared, a trail of smoke and flame following behind them from their jet packs.

The Bank Manager passed out and Kane shook his head. ‘I told them to come out through the front door and not wreck anything. Bloody pain in the arses!’

The Commissioner moved over to him as he was about to leave. “Kane, about this agreement you with the Bank Manager. I really don’t think that it’s a good idea that-”

“There’s no point saying anything Commissioner. This is the new Inadequate Man! No longer am I going to fight for the common good cause the common good don’t pay crap. So just save whatever you were going to say.”

He pulled away from the Commissioner and leapt into the air, quickly following the trail of smoke towards the docks.

Warehouse D, formerly owned by Kosch & Koche Gas and Electric company, was a decrepit old building. Parts of the roof had fallen in and Kane descended through one of the holes, quickly spotting the S&M boys and running into cover.

Behind him, the floor exploded in bullet holes as they opened fire. Diving, he rolled through a doorway and into where the office uses to be. Peeking above the desk, he saw the two brothers looking around, searching for him.

“So boys, I’ve got a question for you.”

Mark shot off a burst of ammunition, but couldn’t tell where the voice had come from.

“I was wondering, you said you two have latex suits just like me. What type of latex did you use?”

Sam spun around, searching for Kane but not finding him. “We just got the normal kind, why?”

Kane crept out of the office, making sure that he kept out of their sight. Reaching into his utility belt, he pulled out the revolver he had taken from the dead guard. Creeping around, he came out behind the two and took aim.

“You did know that normal latex can be affected by heat, such as leaving it in your wallet for any period of time. Or if you were using a jet pack.”

Kane fired, the bullet hitting the release valve on Mark’s jet pack. Flames roared out of the boosters and he shot into the air, crashing through the roof and disappearing outside.

Sam spun, firing at Inadequate Man, who was already running away. A bullet ricocheted off the wall and spun into Kane’s leg, tearing through his suit.

He dropped to the ground, grimacing as the bullet slashed across his thigh. Rolling, he quickly got out of Sam’s view. Sam had moved over to near the office. Looking around, he aimed the revolver again.

“You should also know that while normal latex doesn’t rip, it can get tiny little tears real easy.”

Kane aimed, firing into a pile of old oxygen canisters. The bullet ricocheted off a release valve and then sparked, igniting the gas and exploding. Sam raised his arms against the explosion just as the office windows shattered from the blast, showering him with shards of glass.

Cursing, Sam spun, shooting in every direction, furious. He heard a scream and cheered.

“You bloody idiot, Sam. You shot me.”

Mark walked back into the warehouse, blood seeping from between where his fingers pressed against his shoulder. He had dropped his gun onto the floor, and before Sam could move, Kane leapt into the air. Diving, Kane grabbed the machine gun before flying through a hole in the roof, bullets tearing holes in the sheet metal behind him. Dropping the rifle into the river, he landed outside the warehouse and entered through the back door.

“That bloody Inadequate Man! Sam, you said that if we had latex suits just like him, and could fly just like him, then we’d be able to beat him.”

“Well, if you hadn’t gone all cheap when you bought these latex suits, maybe we wouldn’t have had to worry about heat problems or tiny little tears.”

Kane ran up behind Sam, driving his shoulder into his back and grabbing the gun as Sam fell. Leaping back, Kane threw the gun into the corner.

“There’s no need to blame Mark. What you have to remember, is that even if you use the highest quality latex, a rubber is still only 95% effective. Even my suit, which is an experimental grade latex, is still vulnerable.”

Sam growled, charging forward. He was big, and with his muscles bulging out of his shredded suit, he looked very powerful.

Before Kane could stop himself, his vision switched. Sam’s skin turned pale, and the latex suit melted into a flannelette shirt and baseball cap. A thick fist swung towards him and all Kane could think of was that there was no way he could beat Steve.

He crashed into a pile of empty gas canisters, bringing him back to reality. Mark had passed out from the blood loss, but Sam was still very much conscious. Grabbing Kane by the neck, he lifted him up against the side of a concrete pylon.

“You made me and my brother look stupid. Nobody makes the S&M boys look stupid. Nobody makes Sam look stupid.”

Kane smiled.

“That’s right. You’re Sam, not Steve. And I can kick your ass.”

Kane grabbed Sam’s wrists and pulled them away from his throat. He drove his knee into Sam’s stomach and stepped away as Sam collapsed to the ground.

Kane walked over to where he had seen them when he had first entered the warehouse. Looking around, he saw the bag holding the money stolen from the bank.

Slinging the bag over his shoulder, he picked up the unconscious Mark. Dropping him next to his brother, he pulled Sam’s face up to look at him.

“We had a deal. If I win, I get the money and you get jail. I won.” He swung his fist down hard, knocking Sam unconscious. Slinging both men across his shoulders, he flew into the air.

He landed outside the bank, where a small group of people were still waiting. Landing, he dropped the S&M boys onto the ground for the police to arrest and handed the bag of money to the Bank Manager.

“Here’s your money back. No one was hurt, and your bank wasn’t damaged. Now I want my superhero account thingy.”

The Bank Manager clutched the bag of money to his chest.

“Of course Inadequate Man. How much do you have for your initial deposit?”

Kane reached into his utility belt for his wallet. Opening it, he counted the money and took it out.

“I have $497. 85.”

The Bank Manager smiled.

“I am sorry sir, but the minimum initial deposit to open a Super Hero Super Saver Account is $500.00. But thank you for getting our money back.”

Kane looked down depressed. At that moment, a small breeze blew down the street, and a five-dollar note landed on Kane’s shoe.

Reaching down, he added it to the rest of the money triumphantly.

“$502.85! Guess your little plan didn’t work!”

The Bank Manager’s face turned pale for a moment. Hesitantly, he reached out and took the money and turned towards the bank.

Kane turned around, hands on his hips and grinning, when the bank manager quickly ran back up to him.

“Silly me. I am sorry, Inadequate Man, but the minimum initial deposit is…err…$502.90. Inflationary pressure and all that…stuff. So I can’t give you the account.”

Kane sighed. “Well, can I have my money back?”

“Of course. Except, well there was the opening transaction fee of $25, another $25 for account cancellation, plus account keeping fees of $4.75 for the time it took me to walk back here plus…umm…miscellaneous fees and government charges…all I can give you back is $128.35. Thank you for doing business with Premise City National Bank.”

The Bank Manager scurried back towards his bank and it was Kane’s turn to go pale.

“Ah, Inadequate Man.”

Kane turned to see the Commissioner standing in front of him, wringing his hands.

“What is it Commissioner.”

“We…ah…we entered you into the Premise City Good Samaritan Competition. They give a $50,000 prize to the person who has done the most for Premise City without asking for something. These are the judges.”

Kane’s eyes lit up. “Oh, so you are here to present the award?”

“We were, but after seeing you trying to scam that poor Bank Manager after doing a good deed, I am sorry to say you no longer qualify. I guess we will have to give it to that homeless guy over there for his helping the city to recycle.”

“That guy! He searches through the trash for recyclable cans so he can afford a cheap bottle of port for the night! He’s not a good samaritan!”

“Yes, well…he’s the winner.”

They walked away to give the wino his prize. One of the judges, an old woman, came forward and hit him over the head with her handbag.

“My Goodness! A man learning superpowers just to try and make a quick buck. What is this world coming to?”

The Commissioner tried to smile, but he wasn’t very successful.

“I…I tried to warn you before, Inadequate Man. But you wouldn’t listen.”

Kane nodded, walking away. ‘Could this day get any worse?’ he thought to himself as he rounded the corner, running into Junkie Jake.

“Hey Inadequate Man, you would not bleedin’ believe it. Remember that car you said I could ‘ave? Well I just sold it for $25,000. Apparently, because you used it in a car chase, and that prig Steve tried to kill me with it, it’s now a collector’s item. Fancy that!”

Junkie Jake smiled, and continued on his way. Kane’s head sunk even lower.

‘I had to ask, didn’t I?’ he thought to himself as he leapt into the air, towards the hospital to see Gerbil before heading home.

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Copyright © 2001.
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