Issue 9
Part One of 'Brotherly Love'

Kane typed Jameson’s name into his computer and pulled up the file. He had done some work for his company before, when they were negotiating a contract matter between them and their supplier.

Martha tapped lightly on his door and popped her head into his office.

“Forgive me, sir. But a Mr. Bacon called. He said he needed to talk to you urgently.”

Kane sat up in his chair.

“Mr. Jameson, I apologise but I have a pressing matter to attend to,” cupping his hand over the phone, he called Martha into the room. “I am sorry for this. My assistant Martha will take down the rest of the details. And Mr. Jameson, thank you again.”

He handed Martha the phone who took it with a little smile. Leaving the room, he went to the hall closet and, checking Martha was nowhere around, opened the secret entrance into his headquarters to change.

Leaving through the secret exit, Inadequate Man flew into the centre of Premise City, landing on the roof of the police headquarters and making his way down to the Commissioner’s office.

Opening the door, he saw the Commissioner sitting behind his desk, Junkie Jake sitting in front of it.

“Jake, what have you done this time? Commissioner, whatever he has done, I am sorry.”

“Why the hell does everyone think I’ve done somethin’? I’m just bleedin’ sittin’, waiting for you to show up!” Jake protested.

“You weren’t arrested?”

“No, why does everyone think I’ve done somethin’?”

“Well, you are a drug addict.”

“So, taking drugs isn’t a crime.”

“Actually it is, and just last week you sold a four-year-old girl a hit of heroine.”

“It was sherbert! I just said it was heroine to jack the price up.”

Kane turned away from him.

“Commissioner, you called me.”

“Junkie Jake has some important information.”

“That’s right, I ‘ave information. Though you don’t deserve to ‘ear it.”

“Jake, what is it?”

“Someone’s taken Boonditch’s operation. They’ve ‘ooked up with Kuffs and are quickly establishing their control. Word is that the whoever this new person is, they’re gonna to send a message to the Commissioner sometime today.”

“Did you happen to find out what time?”

“Nope, just that it is going to ‘appen toda-”

A brick crashed through the Commissioner’s window, the Commissioner and Junkie Jake dropping to the floor. Inadequate Man hurried to the window but the alley below was empty, whoever had thrown it was gone.

Picking up the brick, Kane noticed that there was a note tied around it. Untying the string, he dropped the brick out the window and read what had been written aloud:

“These were just delivered for you, Commissioner,” she said.

The Commissioner took the flowers as his assistant left the room.

Noticing the car, he placed the flowers on the desk and opened the envelope:

“Has anyone ever hard of this Fagghus?” The Commissioner asked.

Inadequate Man and Jake both shook their heads, confused.

“Well I think we should try and find out whatever we can about this Fagghus guy.”

Kane and Jake made their way to the door as the Commissioner called his assistant back in. Kane said goodbye and made his way back to the roof and back home. Changing into his normal clothes, he emerged from the secret passage in the closet and, checking for any noises, quickly made his way back into his office.

Sitting down, he started flipping through his address book, calling up anyone that he thought might be able to provide information.

Tom the Tattler, nothing. Derek the Dobber, nothing. Simon the Snitch, nothing. It seemed that no one had any information as to who this Fagghus was.

Leaning back in his chair, exhausted, Kane accidentally knocked the address book off his desk. As it landed, it flipped open. Leaning down, he saw the page that it was opened to.

Drew Mate.

‘What have I got to lose,’ he thought to himself as he started to dial the number.

The phone answered on the first ring.

“Simon the Snitch, if you don’t have the information you promised me, you’re going to become Simon the Snip!”

“Umm…I’m not Simon. It’s me Ka-…I mean, it’s me, Inadequate Man.”

“Oh, hello Inadequate Man. I was expecting a call. What can I do for you?”

“I…ah…need some information about a man named Fagghus. I was wondering if you could help me out?”

There was a pause from the other end.

“I’m sorry, Inadequate Man, but the name doesn’t ring a bell. I will look into it though. How about I meet you tonight and give you the information.”

“Oh…Ok then.”

“Good. How about at Chatruesse, say at 7 o’clock?’

“Umm…ok. I’d love to.”

“Great. Ooh, I have another call. I’ll see you then.”

The phone went dead in his ear. Shaking, Kane hung up at his end.

Staring into space, one thought kept spinning through his head.

‘Do I have a date with Drew Mate tonight?’

Kane stared at them in confusion.

“What the hell are you two doing?”

Putting the switchblade away, Junkie Jake took a seat.

“Well, when you get a friggin’ message saying that you’re desperately needed and to meet at Gerbil’s ‘ospital room, then you bleedin’ well think that something shonky is going down.”

“What?…no. I need you to help decide what to wear for my date tonight. Do you like the navy suit, or the black suit?”

Kane held up two suits in the above colours.

“Kane, she’s an ‘ooker. They don’t care what you wear, just as long as it comes with a wallet full of money.”

“No, Jake. I have a date, and it’s not with a hooker.”

“Oh, really. An’ who might this fair lady be?”

“Drew Mate.”

Junkie Jake and the Commissioner started laughing.

“I understand. You gonna decide what you’re gonna wear before you go to sleep because the only place that you ‘ave a date with Drew Mate is in your bleedin’ dreams.”

“I do have a date with her. I called her up to see if she had any information about this Fagghus, and she told me she would tell me tonight over dinner. So that’s a date. And I don’t see you going on any dates, Jake.”

“That’s cause I don’t have to wine and dine a woman to get ‘er in the sack. I’m like some sexual magnet, especially for women who used to go to Catholic school for some reason.”

Gerbil sat up in the bed, rubbing his temple.

“I don’t mean to intrude upon Jacob’s fascinating dissertation on his breeding habits, but you don’t have much time before you have to leave. Now just put on the black suit, sir, or you will be late.”

“What do you two think?”

The Commissioner and Junkie Jake looked at the suits, thinking. As the Commissioner said he liked the black one, Junkie Jake said he liked the navy one.

“You’re not going to listen to ‘im are you? ‘e wouldn’t know fashion if it up and bit him on the arse, and ‘is arse is that fat, ‘e probably wouldn’t notice.” Jake protested.

“Look at what Junkie Jake is wearing, Kane. Black Jeans and a studded leather jacket. He looks likes a bad eighties flashback. Now me, as the Commissioner, I have classy taste.”

Kane sat for a moment, pondering.

“I think I’ll take the blue one. And don’t give me that look Gerbil. Just because I chose the one Martha liked doesn’t mean that I like her more than you. It just looks more…modern.”

Gerbil grumbled something under his breath, but Kane had already headed to the bathroom to get changed and didn’t hear it.

Emerging in his blue suit, he said goodbye to the others and hurried down to the car park. A few minutes later, he was back.

“Hey Jake, I need a favour. Do you wanna come with me?”

“You scared or somethin’?”

“No…I…I got my L’s yesterday. Martha dropped me and the car down here before she finished for the night, but now I need someone to come along with me or else I can’t drive.”

Rolling his eyes, Jake followed him down to the carpark.

Arriving at Chatruesse, Kane parked the car and quickly took the L plates off the front and back before Drew Mate arrived.

“Don’t you think you should put your mask on so she doesn’t reconise your secret identity?”

Kane nodded, putting his mask on and getting out of the car.

“So what am I meant to do?” Jake asked.

“Umm…wait here until the date is finished?”

“Then leave me the car keys. I’ll pick you up when I’m done.”

“Last time I did that, I had to buy a new car. Look, she’s here. I gotta go.”

Junkie Jake tried to call out, but Kane was already out of hearing distance, using his super speed to catch up to Drew Mate as she entered the restaurant.

“H…Hi.”

“Hello Inadequate Man.”

“H…Hi.”

“You said that.”

“So I did. Shall we eat?”

They were seated in the centre of the room, Kane getting Drew’s chair as they sat down.

“So you wanted to know about Fagghus?”

“Yes. We haven’t been able to find out anything about him.”

“He’s Boonditch’s brother. He is involved with brothels and gay clubs, operating mainly out of New Orleans, Soho, Amsterdam and Tasmania; generally places that are renowned for prositution and homosexuality.

“Kuffs must have called him and told him about his brother’s arrest and they decided to keep the business in the family.”

Drew Mate reached into her handbag and pulled out a file.

“This is all the information that I could find on him. I believe that he is operating in Premise City out of-”

“Darling, don’t you know that he’s not here for your information.”

The voice came from over Drew’s shoulder, distracting Kane. Blinking, he looked up to meet Drew’s eyes, then blinked again and looked further up towards the person standing behind her.

A man was behind her, wearing a dress made out of some sort of tartan. His red hair was tied into pig tails held with pink ribbons, and a carnation was pinned to his dress.

“Who are you?” Inadequate Man asked.

“Who I am is not important. Who you are, and how I can get a piece of that man meat is more important.”

Drew turned back around towards Inadequate Man.

“Inadequate Man, this is Fagghus.”

“Very good, baby doll. Sorry, I was so late in arriving, but a lady should never be early. That, and the silly restaurant locked their back door. Don’t worry, that will change soon. With me in town, every back door will be open, especially mine, big boy.” Fagghus winked at Inadequate Man, who stared at him blankly.

“Anyway, darlings, I simply can’t have you telling anyone where my hideout is. So you’ll have to come with me. Kuffs!!!”

As Kuffs came up to grab her, he saw Inadequate man and stopped.

“Fagghus, that’s Inadequate Man!”

Fagghus took a step back, shocked.

“He’s my arch enemy? But he’s so cute! Oh, I can really see a Romeo and Julian thing starting here. No matter.”

Fagghus reached up and touched the carnation, which started to leak gas. All around the room, Fagghus’s henchmen did the same before gas masks over their faces. Quickly the room began to fill with gas.

“Don’t you just love that smell. It’s imitation CK 21, but it really does smell like the real thing. Oh, it’s also a sleeping gas. Sweet dreams, darling.”

Fagghus giggled before pulling on his own gas mask, which had daisies painted on the air vents.

Drew Mate tried to say something, but was having trouble concentrating.

“His hideout is…is at…the…”

Drew Mate passed out, lightly snoring on the table.

Kane held his breath, the effects of the gas already making him feel lethargic. Rising, he felt groggy. Stumbling towards the door, he closed his eyes as the gas started to make them sting.

Realising how nice it felt to have his eyes closed, he opened them again. Wearily making his way around a waiter that had collapsed in the aisle, he continued for the door, his lungs struggling for air.

“Oh, honey buns, I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave.”

Fagghus giggled from behind his mask and reached out to rub Inadequate Man’s rear.

Gasping in surprise, Inadequate Man breathed in huge amounts of the gas and before he could stop himself, started to collapse. Reaching out, he grabbed at anything that might stop his fall, in his stupor clasping the shoulder of an old woman and collapsing on top of her.

Reaching up, the old woman hit him over the head with her handbag.

“I don’t believe this, somebody sets off gas and this man thinks in all of the confusion he can molest me. What is this world coming to!”

She hit him again, mumbling something as she drifted off to sleep. Fagghus giggled behind him.

“Don’t worry sweetie. By the time you wake up, you won’t feel a thing. Because you’ll be dead.”

Fagghus giggled again as Kane tried to move his arms so he could get up.

Blinking, Inadequate Man tried to scream out to Junkie Jake, who was sitting in the parking lot, but could only manage to whisper “pink fluffy bunnies” before sleep, and darkness, took him.

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