• A) You sneak out of your room and make a beeline for your honey's home.  No one gets between you and Nathaniel.

Consequences: Nathaniel and you, although engrossed in the Calculus homework for that stupid math teacher Ms. White, casually get around to the true nature of the "study session"  As a result, Nathaniel fails his Calculus exam, therefore making him go to summer school in order to graduate.  This totally ruins your plans to go to Acapulco again, and you resent him forever.

• B) You stay in your room like a good girl and listen to some of the Bizkit that happens to be Limp, and the Sync that happens to be N, although the second one doesn't work as well.

Consequences: You find out the next day that Nathaniel invited Melanie over to help him with his Calculus, and not only did he get an A+ in his calculus exam, but he hit it off with her really well.  Melanie, that bitch!

• C) You politely tell your parents that you will be careful, and will tell Nathaniel that No means No.They agree to let you go, but only if your half-sister Brigid can come along.  You reluctantly agree, and rush to get to Nathaniel's place of residence because you know he will surely call that bitch Melanie if you don't show up on time.  Melanie, that bitch!

Consequences: Despite Nathaniel's advances, you continue steadfast in your attempts at teaching dear Nathaniel differential equations.  Meanwhile, your half-sister Brigid also knows that Yes means Yes.  The next day, you find out that your half-sister Brigid is Nathaniel's newest bestest gal.  Nathaniel, that bitch!

• D) You decide it would be much more fun to go out and look for pirate treasure.  You don a pirate costume and forget about Nathaniel.

Consequences: You find several thousands of Spanish dubloons in your back yard, which are unfortunatlely worthless, so you sell them at your next garage sale.

• A) ...don't get mad, you get even.  You pour chocolate milk in Melanie's hair and shamelessly but transparently blame it on that kid Nathaniel that you know.  Melanie, that bitch!

Consequences: Melanie sues you for damages in the amount of $200,000 for her 4 subsequent hair appointments, her ruined Versacci cashmere sweater, and mental anguish.  Oh, good one, you nutty nut nut.

• B) ...go to anger management classes, subsequently dump Herbert and pursue that cute guy Justin that just moved into town from New Zealand.  You have a thing for guys from New Zealand, by the way.

Consequences: Justin turns out to be a raving homosexual who falls in love with that kid Nathaniel you know.  Go figure.

•  C) ...sit down with Herbert, Melanie, and Justin, and have a round-table discussion on peer pressure and staying the hell away from your boyfriend.

Consequences: This round-table discussion is taped and aired on PBS after reruns of Charlie Rose.  Fox hires Nathaniel and Melanie to be in a sitcom together, with Justin as their comically gay roommate.  You, however, tested the worst with the focus group, and did not get a penny of royalties from your hit round-table discussion of teen issues.

• D) ...remember that they're serving nachos in your school cafeteria today, and promptly get some and have a wonderful time eating them with your 2 friends, Michelle and Alice.

Consequences: Nachos?  Do you know how many calories are in those, girlfrien'?  I didn't think so.  You won't have to worry about attracting boys if you keep chugging that junk food.

• A) ...sneak into Clive's room at night a la Mission Impossible and, dodging the many electronic eye sensors and trip-wires, cut Clive's hair in a fashion that you are satisfied with.

Consequences: In addition to the cost for the rope, the electronic eye locator spray stuff, the special scissors, and the employment of the overpaid temps you hired to hold the rope so you didn't fall, the grand total is $2000 dollars, which means you totally are going to have to dip into your car savings to pay for this one.  Bummer.  Plus,. Clive is dissatisfied with his haircut and is unresponsive to every form of communication.  You end up going with that kid Herbert you know to the Prom.  Clive, that bitch!

• B) ...think to yourself that if Clive can't change himself for you this once, then he doesn't deserve the honor and privilege of being your boyfriend.  You return all of his many "The Who" and "Doors" albums, and even his "Waterworld" soundtrack (if such a thing exists in stable form in this dimension)

Consequences: You realize that the existence of a "Waterworld" soundtrack is actually an insult to the existence of the universe.  Upon inspection, you find it to be 58th-Dimensional matter contained within a 3-Dimensional jewel case.  This is a threat to mankind as we know it, so you bury it in the backyard, hoping that no ambitious sci-fi screenplay writer ever comes across it.  Wait, damn, you forgot all about the Prom...

• C) ...politely ask Clive to wear a hat wherever he goes.  While this puts somewhat of a strain on your relationship, he soon gets used to his "Waterworld" collectible hat.  God help us all.

Consequences: Once you realize that Clive's "Waterworld" collectible hat has all the required components of an Ideal Transformer, you sell it to the local electric company.  You make trillions of dollars with your discovery.  Soon, you realize that all "Waterworld" merchandise holds some technological breakthrough.  For example, the "Waterworld" collectible lunchbox makes cold fusion possible.  The "Waterworld" collectible cup holder is actually a frictionless surface.  The "Waterworld" collectible inflatable watercraft resolves all discrepancies between classical and quantum physics.  The "Waterworld" Special Edition DVD contains a commentary by God about the details of Hyperspace Mechanics.  The "Waterworld" collectible flatware doubles as a Solid-State Hyperspace Module.  The "Waterworld" collectible T-Shirt defies the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle by having a measurable location and speed simultaneously.  And, finally, the "Waterworld" collectible sports car quadruples as a time machine ("Wait a minute, you made a time machine....out of a "Waterworld" collectible sports car?!") an antigravity device, a teleporter, and a low-cost synthetic fossil fuel.  Nifty, huh?

• D) Who's Clive?

Consequences: No more technological breakthroughs, but you breathe a sigh of relief when you realize you will be able to see "Hardball" in theaters without all that embarrassing hair sitting next to you.

• A): ...have your sister talk to him while you race to the Brazillian rainforest in your Invisible Hydroponic Car/Time Machine to catch some endangered fish.

Consequences: After about an hour, you've only caught 1 of the 7 fish, but you are determined. You arrive home successful, but find that your sister has been talking to Horace for the past 27 hours straight.  When your parents get the phone bill in the amount of $12,000, they flip out and threaten to sell Horace's fish.  They do so, and when Horace returns to no fish, he sues you for damages and for mental anguish for a 25-hour chat with your sister.

• B) ...tell him to forget about the fish and put you on with that kid Justin from New Zealand that went to Sweden with him...

Consequences:

 

"Hello, Justin 'ere"

"Hey Justin"

"Hey, 'sup?"

"Not much, you?"

"Oh, nothing much....just 'ere in Sweden.....weaving some cloth..."

"That is so cool, so what..."

"Hey, I'm sorry, but I've got a bit of a knitting crisis here.  I'll talk to you later."

 

Oh, and Horace still sues you.  But no $12,000 phone call.

• C) ...remember that the fish would inevitably have left some biological material in their fishbowls, so you develop an advanced cloning process while stalling for time on the phone, then clone the fish's DNA while you prepare to get back on the topic of the fish, and upon placing the last fish in its bowl, you say "Yeah, and the fish are going great, sweetkins."

Consequences: Are you sure you need Horace?  You seem to be quite proficient on your own.  If Horace is stupid enough to leave his 7 Endangered Species of Fish Collection with you while he goes to Sweden, he obviously can't expect to get the same fish back at the end of his trip. Sheesh, some people.  You do, however, make a killing financially with your Clone-O-Matic.

• D) ...have an uncontrollable compulsion to run naked past the football practice in your school, but don't because that would just be silly.

Consequences: The fish die of starvation, you ignore Horace's subsequent lawsuit, you go to Jail and do not collect $200.

• A) ...dump the little pain in the behind.  If he doesn't like the wacky antics of Noitacude van Weatherby, Odephius McAntismash, Satch DeLeon and the rest of the Indigo Retina posse, then he doesn't deserve to be your boyfriend.

Consequences: Wow, it is hard to think that IRSO'S would break up any relationships, but anyhoo...you soon realize the error of your ways when you find out who actually wins the Election of 2020, and go crawling back on your knees to Willis.  However, by now, he has already taken a liking to Melanie.  Melanie, that bitch!

• B) ...Realize that instead of Willis, that Indigo Retina is your true love.  You swoon at the thought of him and his greatness.  You...asdpifjasdpijfrnwljjfa.....sorry, folks.  Noitacude Van Weatherby here.  We had a bit of a struggle there for the keyboard, but I assure you that at this moment, Indigo Retina is being beaten with a rather large sack of potatoes for making this website a house of lies!

Consequences: You realize Noitacude Van Weatherby is your true love.  You swoon at the thought of him and the bow-tie on his crotch.  You seriously need professional help.

• C) ...Realize that a website is waaaaaaaaaay less important than a healthy relationship with Willis, and never look at the site again.

Consequences: You realize what an amazing idiot you were when IRSO'S becomes the biggest comedy site on the 'Net (uncontrollable laughter from all reading this ensues)

• D) agree with Willis, whoever he is.

Consequences: See above.

If you answered mostly A's you are an:
   Overzealous Freak: You have no regard for what anyone but you wants, which is why you have a boyfriend in the first place, or so you think.  You're willing to go to incredible lengths to get at least one person mad at you.  You have good intentions for your relationship, but you go about it all wrong.  Sorry, girlfrien', but it looks like you're prone to calamities and lawsuits.  What else can I say?

If you answered mostly B's, you are a:
   Misguided Lover: You know what you want.  You just don't know with who.  You're prone to dumping your boyfriend for someone better, especially anyone from New Zealand.  My advice to you is try to look at just what is in front of you.  The proverbial peripheral vision is not your friend.  'Natch.

If you answered mostly C's, you are:
    Too intellectually mature to be reading teen magazines, if not unlucky: Well, you certainly know a lot about everything else besides romance.  Taking your sister to your boyfriend's house?  A round-table peer-pressure discussion?  Simultaneously discovering all of the Holy Grails of modern science?  You're more comfortable in front of a test tube than in front of a cozy fire with your best guy.  You are a sad, sad girl  Why are you reading teen magazines anyway?  Do you think it makes you cooler?  Nice try, hon, but you'll have to try harder than that.

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