|
The
ConseQuiz
So you just
read the latest quiz in Cosmo or Seventeen, and you felt something was
lacking in the situation-based suggestions for ridiculously esoteric methods
of getting, pleasing, or dumping your man? Well, my friends, what
was lacking was this: consequences. Sure, your main squeeze might
invite you to his party, but what will happen if you reneg on your babysitting
duties? Magazines fail to think of these consequences. Well,
fear no more, for you now have quizzes with consequences, or ConseQuizzes,
as the fine folks at this site like to call them.
This
Month's Topic:
Which
Microsoft Operating System is Yo' Mama?
Subtitle: "Microsoft Word To Your Mother"
1) Your mother
is baking cookies, watching TV, and on the Internet at the same time.
All of a sudden, she freezes and no amount of mouse-clicking will get her
to move again. You...?
-
A) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del
several times, but to no avail. You reluctantly press the "Reset"
button and hope for the best.
-
Consequences:
Once fully recovered, your mother acts like nothing happened, but you know.
Oh yes, you remember what you had to do.
-
B) You have no choice
but to press the "Reset" button, which brings your mom back to normal.
-
Consequences:
You become very suspicious, because you don't remember your mom ever being
able to multitask before.
-
C) You press Ctrl-Alt-Del,
and the task manager comes up, indicating that "Baking Cookies" is "(Not
responding)". You end the "Baking Cookies" task and everything returns
to normal.
-
Consequences:
You become very upset because, hey, you wanted some freakin' cookies!
-
D) Your mother would
never do this, because she features a snappy interface with many more multitasking
abilities than her predecessor, along with more stability and speed.
-
Consequences:
You think "OK" and do what you'd normally do, even more skeptical about
this whole "stability" feature than when you first saw your mother.
2) You bring your
new girlfriend Melanie over one day, but your mother and her aren't very
compatible. You...
-
A) ...Have no choice
but to dump Melanie for Jodie, a less flashy but still workable downgrade
from Melanie.
-
Consequences:
You resent your mom like, forever because Melanie had flashier graphics,
a kick-ass interface, and LAN play that your mom just didn't support.
-
B) ...Must upgrade to
Mom 3.1 before you can do anything with Melanie.
-
Consequences:
Paying so much money for a Graphic Mother Interface empties your bank account,
leaving you penniless for the many subsequent add-ons and upgrades that
Melanie would entail.
-
C) ...Wonder if
it has something to do with your mom's visual capacity, but the HTML-based
Help document sheds absolutely no light on this topic, so you are forced
to call technical support.
-
Consequences:
Tech support turns out to be Mandy, a very nice girl from just across town.
You two get together and you forget about Melanie completely, who shortly
thereafter wastes away to nothing through a long series of binge drinking
and missed AA meetings.
-
D) ...Call on the almighty
and wise Girlfriend Compatibility Wizard (who you jokingly call Merlin
but whose real name is Clive), who helps you set up Melanie to work with
your mother in harmony.
-
Consequences:
No way, it took this many versions of yo' mama to get this whole compatibility
thing figured out? Come on! Your disbelief keeps you from your
ultimate goal of copying Melanie and giving that copy to your friend Nathaniel
so you guys can do multiplayer on-line. Clive goes back from whence
he came.
3) You just got
a new computer for Christmas, and you're trying to get your mother used
to the wonders of the internet. How does she do?
-
A) ...While she's able
to do some limited web-surfing and e-mailing, she often crashes while on-line
and is very slow.
-
Consequences:
You never get to go on the computer because your mother is so slow to get
around the Web. You miss out on Star Trek Usenet discussions and
forward-thinking company websites.
-
B) ...The best you can
hope for from your mother in this rising internet age is to be a Prodigy,
or at the most be deficient in the fine art of CompuServing. She
is very slow and, for the most part, was never made for world-wide communication.
-
Consequences:
You miss out on government websites and university message boards, where
even then people were discovering a whole new way to make fun of and degrade
each other. Ah, technology. Tenyrps, you bitch! (OK, in-joke,
I admit it.)
-
C) ...Even though your
mother insists she is optimized for the ever-changing internet, she only
uses Microsoft Internet Explorer 3.0 and as a result, many websites do
not look good to her. In addition, she excludes Netscape from her
desktop and is often accused by your father of monopolizing the computer.
-
Consequences:
Your mother denies the allegations of a monopoly over the family computer
while at the same time making available the all-new Internet Explorer 4.0
with more features and less room for Nestcape. Meanwhile,
-
D) Your mother speeds
in the fast lane down the information super-highway, promising she can
juggle streaming audio and video, along with several extra plug-ins and
features. She promises to revolutionize her e-mails with pictures
and sound, and loads webpages faster, including "Indigo Retina's Site O'
Stuff", which is her favoritest website ever.
-
Consequences:
Your father slams a huge anti-trust suit on your mother, with plaintiffs
composed of the U.S. government and members of concerned citizens from
many states. It's a good thing your mother has a easy-to-access help
system and 24-hour technical support.
4) You've recently
been given a project in business class to assess the productivity of your
household when it pertains to setting and accomplishing goals. When
working on calculating your mother's productivity rating, you decide to
rate her...
-
A) ...Poor. There
are many tasks that your mother has problems accomplishing, or many things
that she still cannot do. She's not half as productive as that kid
Mac's mom.
-
Consequences:
Well, you get a nice slap from your mother for that one. I mean,
after all the things she does for you, and you rate her as poor?
Come on, man, show some respect to the woman that bore you! Sheesh!
-
B) ...Very poor.
Your mother still must focus on one task at a time, and sometimes it is
difficult for her to find things that she needs. Plus she still has
some bugs in her. But, nonetheless, she's better than most mothers
out there at the time, so you are willing to forgive her for her flaws.
-
Consequences:
You'll
just have to wait a few years. Your mom's bound to move up to "poor"
in a little bit.
-
C) ...Good. Your
mom seems to be able to multitask and host a suite of applications that
make her pretty productive. She can word process, make business presentations,
edit photos, make spreadsheets, rub her tummy and pat her head, curl her
tongue, and sing "It's the End of the World" by REM simultaneously, although
we wouldn't recommend that.
-
Consequences:
It's only a matter of time before Mom Plus! comes along with added features
and new themes, and then Second Edition with even more special features,
but for the time being you think that mom's enough..
-
D) ...Very good.
Your mother has good potential. She's able to do even more than you
would think while still having enough energy to bake those cookies you
love. Can I hear a big cada-cada-ching?
-
Consequences:
You soon get fat over all the calorie-packed cookies your mom bakes.
You become lazy and self-absorbed, and spoiled, and if you ever had to
see your mother as anything less than a "Very good" rating, you would never
know what to do with yourself, you big fatty fat fatso.
5) The U.S. government
wants your mother to allow other programs to be run on your computer besides
those created by Microsoft, but mom remains stubborn. What does she
do...
-
A) She takes all of
the programs on your computer hostage, and the FBI moves in.
-
Consequences:
While a 9-day standoff ensues, your mom deletes one hostage every hour
on the hour until her demands are met. Sadly, AOL Instant Messenger,
Adobe Photoshop, Netscape Communicator 6, ICQ, WinZip, RealPlayer 8, Quicktime
4, Corel Wordperfect 8 and Winamp 2.76 are lost.
-
B) 3 words: "Abort,
Retry, Fail"
-
Consequences:
Using the "Abort, Retry, Fail" trick on the U.S. government keeps them
away for awhile until they realize that "Retry" is the only option that
will get them what they want....or is it? (ominous music cue)
-
C) She gets you to buy
"Anti-trust Suits For Dummies", the foremost book on anti-trust matters.
-
Consequences:
She uses the book to make a deal with the Justice Department to get out
of trouble, therefore doing absolutely nothing for small start-up mothers
trying to get along, but at least she's happy.
-
D) Through a complex
(but user-friendly) process, she launches a set of commercials showing
herself as a fast-paced, technology-driven mother who only wants to help
you, the common man, do what you want to do. Can you slap her now?
"Yes, you can".
-
Consequences:
Oh, you crazy kid you. Always sitting by and watching your mom get
out of comical scrapes with the U.S. government. You can bet that a newer,
better version of your mother will be out in a few years, but for now,
we think you should enjoy the greatness of what you've got.
OK folks, it's time
to add up your scores. With those 5 simple questions, we can accurately
tell you what Microsoft operating system yo' mama is. Read on, if
you dare.
If
you answered mostly A's yo' mama is:
Windows
3.1: While not the greatest thing since sliced bread, your mom
is capable of doing many things her predecessor couldn't. Plus, she's
a GUI, which will be hotly debated.
If
you answered mostly B's, yo' mama is:
MS-DOS
Version 5.0: While your mom is good enough for her time, we guess,
there will be better to come. She cannot communicate with the world
and she has bad graphics acceleration, although she does support "SimCity",
which is pretty cool, we guess.
If
you answered mostly C's, yo' mama is:
Windows 98: Well,
she may be better than Windows 95, but she's still unstable and could crash
at any time. Plus she looks about the same as Windows 95 but with
more features and stuff. Yo' mama's better on faster computers, no
doubt. Holla.
If
you answered mostly D's, yo' mama is:
Windows XP: The latest version with all the new features.
If your mother's Windows XP, you obviously already enjoy such features
as System Restore, which will return your mother to the way she was before
that terrible microwave accident, or before you gave her a terrible Christmas
gift. Other features include Remote Assistance, where you can get
a tech support staffer to take control of your mother in order to fix any
problems she might have. You can even get upgrades for her off the
web.
Check out the ConseQuizzes.
What
Kind of Girlfriend Are You?!
Which
Microsoft Operating System Is Yo' Mama?
|
