Ocean's Twelve (2004)

They’re back. But better than ever? Perhaps not. I wish I could say the sequel lived up to the original, but alas, it was not to be.

It started out well. Benedict (Andy Garcia) has found each of Ocean’s Eleven doing their thing with the money they split after the heist of the century three years earlier. He’s knows where they live and, even though the insurance company repaid him the money he lost, he wants it all back with interest. They have 2 weeks time.

So the Eleven assemble and decide that because they’re too ‘hot” to work in the U.S., they’ve got to go to Europe to make up the money they’ve spent. This is where the movie starts going awry. Danny (George Clooney) and Rusty (Brad Pitt) meet with a guy they know to discuss some available jobs, along with Linus (Matt Damon). They have to do some low-paying jobs before they can get some bigger ones. They break into a tightly guarded house only to discover that another thief, known only as the Nightfox, has already stolen their prize.

As if this weren’t bad enough, the Nightfox has now sold them out to the European authorities, one of whom has already come in contact with Rusty. Isabel Lahiri (Catherine Zeta-Jones) is hot on their trail as Danny meets with the Nightfox to warn him not to interfere. The Nightfox offers to pay off their debt to Benedict if they agree to a contest to decide who the better thief is. They’ll attempt to steal the same thing, and if Danny and his team wins, they’re off scot-free. What ensues is…well…go see it, I guess.

Steven Soderbergh had a lot of expectations to live up to. The premise I heard for the sequel sounded awesome. Three simultaneous heists from three locations across Europe to get rid of Benedict (Andy Garcia) once and for all. Nice. It raises the stakes, it keeps the same characters, it was going to be sweet. What the hell happened? This is a sequel to a character-intensive heist flick, not a European vacation movie.

Having looked up the writer for the sequel, I can’t say as I’m surprised. George Nolfi, whose sole former screenwriting example is “Timeline” (2003). TIMELINE?! What was supposed to be a cool modern-day time travel movie was turned into an episode of “The Time Tunnel”. Listen to me, George Nolfi, I loved Ocean’s Eleven. It was the best movie in years. It was cool, it was well-acted, it was clever, and oh yeah, it was WELL-WRITTEN! You ruined what could have been a neat franchise. I hope you’re happy. Stay away from all my other favorite things. If I find out you’re writing an adaptation of “The Catcher in the Rye”, I will get Kevin Sorbo to come to your house and kick your ass.

Anyway, back to my grievances with the movie. The flow was all wrong. The plot was OK, once the ending comes into focus. However, it still wasn’t as satisfying as the first movie. And Catherine Zeta-Jones? I don’t know anyone who likes her. Her role in this one was ridiculous. Why was she there? I don’t know.

Phew. OK, that’s what I hated about the movie. Now, I’ll tell you what I liked. Topher Grace’s reappearance was awesome. It was a wonderful harkening back to the original. The Bruce Willis cameo was unnecessary but a breath of fresh air in an otherwise ridiculous plotline. And, of course, I would be remiss if I did not mention the appearance of Eddie Izzard as Roman Nagel. It was just…it was just brilliant, let me tell you. Fan-bloody-tastic.

Those three things bring the movie back up to a bearable level. Sadly, they are not enough to garner the movie even 4 AMHB. That's the whole point. The sequel should have been a return to the heist, not just a return to the characters and how funny they are. Maybe I just need to watch it again. But I think this is one movie I’ll be skipping on DVD.

One final note: my movie experience in general for this film was awful. I had to pay $10 – ten dollars – to be crammed into a hallway while an old man shouted “Theater Six! Anyone who’s in Theater Six can go right in. Six! Theater Six! Theater Six go right in” over and over and over. I was going to a 10:00 show, and we didn’t get into the theater until 10:20. Then when we got into the theater, we were greeted with ads, ads, and more ads, then trailers, THEN the movie. I know a lot of you out there have been paying $10 for movies for a couple years now, but come on. There’s no excuse for that. How about they stop gouging the moviegoer and start reducing the production costs.

Also, I pay the same amount for a film that costs $6 million to make as I do for a movie that costs $60 million. How screwed up is that? How about a sliding price scale? How about that, hmm? Hmm?

My point is, I won’t go see movies that cost me $10+ anymore. I can buy a DVD and own it forever for the price of me and my girlfriend going to the theater once. I can rent 3 movies for $10. I’m all for the theater experience, but what I’m saying is that a surround sound system and a big screen TV can just pay for itself a lot faster now. That’s going to affect how often I go to the movies and where. I’m just saying is all.

National Treasure (2004)

Benjamin Gates (Nicholas Cage) is a historian/treasure hunter whose ancestor held the secret to a vast treasure brought over to America from Egypt. The Founding Fathers hid the treasure somewhere in the country and put clues to its location in plain sight all around us, such as on currency. Ben has been trying to crack the puzzle for years now, and he’s closer than ever. The next piece of the puzzle leads to the Declaration of Independence, but Ian (Sean Bean), a fellow treasure hunter, is also trying to acquire it. The only way to protect the Declaration is to steal it before Ian does. Both treasure hunters will have to get past Abigail Chase (Diane Kruger), but Ben has the help of Riley (Justin Bartha), the tech-savvy nerd of the picture. Jon Voight plays Ben’s father Patrick, and Harvey Keitel plays a cop that’s hot on their trail. Who will get to the treasure first? It’s at least worth a rent.

We haven’t had a good treasure movie in a while. There was “Goonies” (1985). There was “Tommy Tricker and the Stamp Traveller” (1988) (if you’ve not seen this one, oh ho ho, you are in for a treat). But after that, nothing for almost 20 years. This movie is silly, it’s ridiculous (a treasure map on the back of the Declaration of Independence? Come on.) but it’s also got some good qualities. There’s nice setup. The plot moves along at a nice clip. It’s formulaic, but I’m willing to put that aside to see what happens in the end.

One fun note, when Ben and company are running around with the Declaration of Independence, they’re in Center City Philadelphia. Now, Center City is very navigable. You go from 2nd Street on the Delaware and the street numbers go up as you move toward 30th Street Station. Market Street is the main street where most of the historical landmarks are near. The Liberty Bell Center, which is where they start running away from bad guys, is on 6th Street near Market. In less than 5 minutes, they are past City Hall, which is on 15th Street. Running from 6th to 15th in less than 10 minutes would be tough for a pro athlete what with the crowds and traffic lights. Then, all of a sudden, they’re in Old City, which is like 4th Street. I’m just proud I caught that little factual error.

Anyway, the critics had a field day with this one, and unfairly I think. It’s a Disney movie, for Pete’s sake, and it’s not a Christmas movie so quit your complaining and lets hope they figure out that we don’t want anymore Christmas movies.

I Heart Huckabees (2004)

I was really psyched to see this movie. It had Jude Law and Dustin Hoffman and Jason F-ing Schwartzman. The trailers made it look different and neat and fun. What I ended up seeing was a little unlike what I expected. It was still OK…I guess.

Albert Markovski (Schwartzman) is in the middle of an existential crisis. He’s the founder of an environmental coalition fighting to save some marshlands from an expanding chain of stores known as Huckabees. After a string of coincidences involving a tall black man, he seeks out the services of Bernard (Hoffman) and Vivian Jaffe (Lily Tomlin), a husband-and-wife team of existential detectives. They follow him around trying to discern how these coincidences fit into his life. Because in existentialism, everything is interconnected, they attempt to discover more about his life. They learn that the threat against the marshlands is being led by Brad Stand (Law), an up-and-coming Huckabees employee on the executive track. His girlfriend Dawn (Naomi Watts) is the spokeswoman for Huckabees, and the Jaffes insinuate themselves into their relationship as well. They also pair Albert up with Tommy Corn (Mark Wahlberg), who is an extreme environmentalist and firefighter. Some stuff happens and it’s really weird and then it ends. Yeah.

I realize that the movie is supposed to be a high-brow message film. I went in expecting to enjoy it, and for the most part I did. It felt too much like the 2-hour pilot to an existential sitcom to me. The characters were developed, but it felt like the relevant part of their stories didn’t end when the credits started rolling. Some scenes were OK, but other scenes were either too fast-paced or too odd to be enjoyable.

The film scores high on the “What the hell is going on” Scale, to be sure. Some parts are enjoyable. The acting is fine; no complaints there. Mark Wahlberg’s character was, in the end, the only likeable one. He continues to make up for Planet of the Apes (2001). Only a couple dozen more good movies, Marky, and you’ll be back in the black. Jason Schwartzman delivers his usually great performance. Like I said: no complaints in the acting department.

Perhaps I hyped the movie up too much to not be disappointed when it was over. I guess it was just too haphazard for me. The ending was off as well. Most movies’ endings feel like “Ahh”. “I Heart Huckabees” felt like “Uhhh…Ehh…?” That is not to say that other more tolerant movie fans wouldn’t enjoy it. My advice is to rent it at your own risk. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Enjoy Marky Mark Wahlberg though. He is one of the movie’s only redeeming qualities. Believe me; I never thought I’d be saying that about Mark Wahlberg

I, Robot (2004)

Hmm. Interesting. When I first heard that this project was being done, I was immediately skeptical. Of course, when I first hear anything, I'm immediately skeptical, even when I needn't be, so that wasn't really surprising. A film based on a collection of Isaac Asimov short stories. Could be fun. For my part, "I, Robot" is not my first experience with Isaac Asimov-based cinema. 1966's "Fantastic Voyage", based on the Asimov novel of the same name, was an impressive show of sci-fi for it's time. In fact, it's still pretty exciting as late '60s sci-fi movies go. So, as long as the people attached to the project are pretty credible, I told myself, things could turn out all right.

When I found out it would be directed by Alex Proyas, he of "The Crow" (1994) and " Dark City " (1998) (2 movies I have never seen but have heard rave reviews about (cough cough Jackson cough cough)), I was encouraged. I enjoyed the idea of a dark, gritty adaptation of Asimov's vision. I didn't want it to be "The Crow" dark, but something not "summer blockbuster"y. I didn't really get my wish, but what I did get was enjoyable enough.

First, some setup. OK, so there are these 3 Laws that define and rule robot existence. The First Law is that robots cannot harm humans, or through inaction, cause harm to a human. The Second Law is that robots must obey humans at all times, unless their commands conflict with the first law. And the Third Law is that a robot must defend its own existence, as long as this doesn't conflict with the First and Second Laws.

Now onto the plot. Chicago , 2035. Detective Del Spooner (Will Smith) is the only one suspicious of robots. Just before the launch of the newest, most advanced generation of positronic servants, the lead scientist for U.S. Robotics Dr. Lanning (James Cromwell) ends up dead due to an apparent suicide. Spooner suspects a robot, and his suspicions are confirmed when one attacks him and then runs away. Realizing that this robot is defying his programming, Spooner postulates that the newest robots are.ahem..more than meets the eye.

Now, with the help of Dr. Susan Calvin (Bridget Moynahan), a U.S. Robotics employee charged with making the robots more human, Spooner embarks on a mission to discover the sinister truth behind U.S. Robotics and its NS-5 class robots Along the way, he is either helped or hindered by his lieutenant (Chi McBride), USR CEO Lawrence Robertson (Bruce Greenwood), and a random teenage friend (played by Shia LeBeouf of "Even Stevens" fame). And, of course, explosions and CGI ensue.

Proyas lays on thick the theme of humans creating their own downfall throughout the movie. I read a review suggesting that the idea of human ecological devastation was thrown in as an afterthought. Without giving too much away: LAKE MICHIGAN WAS A DESERT! I wouldn't call suggesting that humans replaced an entire Great Lake with a landfill an afterthought. I'd call it a major #$@%ing consideration within the screenplay.

The acting is OK. Nothing to write home about. Will Smith is a relatively good actor who does very well in the "young semi-witty kick-ass cop" character role. Other than that, I felt the performances fell kind of flat. When a computer-generated robot expresses more emotion than you, you know there's a problem. I'm looking at you, Bruce Greenwood.

The blatant product placement for Converse notwithstanding (I also expected a Pepsi Perfect commercial at some point, but no such luck), the movie is very clean and resolves its major plot points by the end. This is to Alex Proyas' credit, who along with Jeff Vintar and Akiva Goldsman took a not-so-action-packed short story collection, mixed in a Disney-originated screenplay based on the 3 Laws, added a dash of Will Smith and voila, got a sure summer hit. Albeit, a sure summer hit that could be a bit less effects-heavy and a bit more intrigue-heavy. But a summer hit nonetheless. I could have been more impressed by this film, but I liked it for what it was. If you're a fan of both Isaac Asimov and Will Smith (you know who you are), this is your movie.

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)

You're The Invisible Man Now, Dawg!
By Senior "LXG" Correspondent Fuv Ma' Poppin'
(In his Movie Review debut)

Premise:
In order to stop numerous evil deeds commited by The Phantom, and ensure the safety of civilians everywhere, secret agent "M" assembles a team of literary heros and heroines to become The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

Comments:
Hmm. How to handle this movie. The fanboy in me wants to lash out at this movie's failure to stick to comic book continuity, but the realist in me realizes that mainstream America could really give a rat's ass about comic book continuity. And before I receive any rat carcasses in my mail slot, I must say, this movie was not as bad as it was purported to be. Believe me, I feared for my life, and the very thread of civilization, when I heard some of the reviews of this movie. I went into this movie armed with many a delicious confection to be hurled at the screen along with the words, "Take that, Connery, you pompous ass! Who's the man now, Dawg?!". This movie never really gave me the chance to do that.

While I could complain about Mina Harker (Pita Wilson) not being a vampire in the comics, I really didn't mind her being a vampire either. It was a choice that added a certain edge to her character that really supplanted the "Yes, I was a heroine in Dracula, take that!" mentality that the role could have had. I could complain about Tom Sawyer not being in the original comics, but again, he had a swashbuckling youthful air about him that added a bit of variety to the group of older men and women. (How he got a job in the American government, though, I'm not sure. I'll chalk that one up to the suspension of disbelief and move on). I could complain about Mr Hyde's computer graphics, but eh, they were as good as to be expected. The only thing I took issue with was the fact that Mina Harker, a vampire, had many scenes where she was in the sunlight, which is generally a no-no for their kind.

Either way, the cast kept my attention throughout the movie, and they all played their roles with the proper aplomb or lack thereof that their characters required. This movie really was alright. It didn't go into it trying to change the world or anything, thank god. In fact, there were moments when, though I knew that I probably shouldn't have been enjoying them, I really was. My favorite parts of the movie where ones in which the movie really got silly, such as the Invisible Man being (for no good reason) naked in Sean Connery's room, or the group suddenly arriving in the Arctic for a while, and the final scene, where the group gathered at *Spoiler* Sean Connery's grave. The only reason that I spoil that scene for you is the fact that I spent the entire scene hoping for Sean Connery's hand to pop out of the grave to end the movie, which would have been great. Also, there was a bit of confusion about possible injuries incurred by the Invisible Man, which can only be explained away by the phrase "African Witch Doctor".

The movie seemed to revel in it's role as a guilty pleasure, and made no apologies for what it was. It was very much an enjoyable popcorn movie for the summer. If you want to see a decent adventure movie, I couldn't not recommend this movie to you. So, go ahead, get LXG'd.

Favorite Lines:
"I'm freezing my extremities off! And by extremities, I mean my penis, just in case you didn't get the hint that I was trying to send to you, with the enormous amount of emphasis I put on the word 'extremities'!"-- A very naked Invisible Man in the arctic, somewhat elaborated upon by the writer of this article

The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

Assuming you know the plot of "The Matrix" (1999), I'll jump right into the sequel's plot.

Neo (Keanu Reeves), Morpheus (Laurence Fishburne), and Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss) have 72 hours to stop 250,000 Sentinels from drilling down to Zion, the last human city. There to help them are Niobe (Jada Pinkett-Smith), the captain of one of the hovercraft still fighting the good fight against the machines. Through all this, Neo must unravel a dream he is having about Trinity in which she is shot. Along the way, they meet several interesting entities within the Matrix. These include a reunion with The Oracle (the late Gloria Foster), the troublesome Smith (Hugo Weaving), who is no longer an agent and can now make copies of himself, the Keymaker (Randall Duk Kim), and Merovingian (Lambert Wilson). Also, Merovingian's wife Persephone (Monica Bellucci). Can Neo and company stop the advance of the machines that will destroy Zion. Will the Prophecy that Morpheus believes in be fulfilled? If you haven't seen it already, you really should.

This continuation of the first movie "The Matrix" was highly anticipated and did very well it's first weekend out, despite its "R" rating. It is very difficult to review this movie because it has many very good parts, and many very bad ones. On one level, it is a very good sequel with great action, awesome special effects, and a theme common to many great classics. On another level, it has clunky, overdramatic dialogue, relies to heavily on special effects, and beats its all-too-common central theme into the viewer's head until it is too annoying to bear. However, I will tell you the parts I did like, the parts I didn't, and then weigh them against each other to come up with my final analysis.

Firstly, the parts I did like. My favorite scene in the movie was the one containing The Architect, what I perceived to be the digital representation of the man who created the Matrix. He explains to Neo some very shocking information, and gives him 2 choices. For those who have seen the movie, you must agree that this was the best-written part of it. My second favorite part was the freeway chase, most especially the bullet-time collision of the two tractor trailers. Once again, if you have seen the movie, you will know of what I speak. My third favorite scene was in the restaurant when Neo, Trinity, and Morpheus are speaking with the Merovingian. I will share with you perhaps my favorite quote from the movie:

Merovingian: Don't you love the French language? I have sampled every language, French is my favorite. Fantastic language. Especially to curse with. (stream of curses). It's like wiping your ass with silk, I love it.

I also liked Neo's fight with the hundreds of Smiths. Despite the obvious computer-generated effects, the concept was awesome and very nicely done cinematically. Despite what you may hear, the Neo/Smiths fight was very cool and added to the movie's awesomocity.

These scenes are the best of the Matrix: Reloaded However, there is a dark under-belly to this summer blockbuster goliath. Quotes like:

Neo: OK
Persephone: All right.
Neo: All right.
Persephone: OK.

...make some of the dialogue almost totally unbearable. Also, as Jackson Brody once noted, where the hell was Tank from the first film? He lived through the first film. What, did he retire to a suburb of Zion? Is he now Councilor Tank Plutarski? Don't get me wrong, I liked the new operator (Whose name was appropriately Link), but I would have liked to see Tank back in the operator's seat. Some characters' purpose remains sorta vague. Persephone was interesting but ultimately unnecessary. The Twins' motives, as well as what kind of program they are, is unclear.

Some scenes were also unnecessary. The rave/Neo-and-Trinity-getting-it-on scene served only to add to the audience's knowledge of Zion's sexual rituals, something I didn't expect or need to see going into the movie. It also slowed the first half hour of the movie down. The Neo/Persephone/Trinity tension scene was also unnecessary and took away from the main purpose of the story.

Just a nitpick, but as my friend Michelle duly noted, if these people have been away from sunlight for more than 100 years, wouldn't they be lighter-skinned? Electric lights don't account for the kind of tans I saw on some Zion characters. The African-American characters are excused from this, however, because it would take many many generations for genetics to rule melatonin, the chemical that causes dark skin, no longer necessary.

Oh well, in any case, after reading this whole review, your most likely question is "Do you think it was a good movie or not?", or in the case of someone who hasn't seen it yet, "Why should I go see it?". The answer to those questions is simple. As sequels go, "The Matrix: Reloaded" was not everything it was hyped up to be. That is the fault of not only the studio, but of the fans in general. The Wachowski Brothers did with their universe as they saw fit, and I will give them the benefit of the doubt on unnecessary characters in "Reloaded" until I see "Revolutions" in November. But I would say that overall the movie was enjoyable, if not annoying and drawn-out in parts. As for if you should see it if you haven't already, it's a matter of taste, and I'd say that if you haven't seen it already, you probably shouldn't because you're probably not interested enough in "The Matrix" or action movies in general to be able to enjoy it.

Despite the many differing opinions, we shall see what "The Matrix: Revolutions" (2003) holds.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002)

My Big Fat Greek Review
A Shameful Misuse of the Title By Indigo Retina

I'd like to break with my usual review format to give you a candid look at what I thought of the surprise blockbuster independent film "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", a movie that since its release has spawned not only much praise and approval from the American movie-going community, but also sitcom rumors and, what I see to be, the inevitable sequel "My Big Fat Greek Honeymoon", or perhaps the inappropriate drama "My Big Fat Greek Divorce"

So heralded was this film when it came out that I only saw it on a whim, with some friends of mine who just happened to be going to see it that night, one of whom who had already seen it. I honestly had planned to go at some point, but in any case...

The movie's plot is straightforward enough. Fotoula 'Toula' Portokalos (Nia Vardalos, incidentally the writer of the book on which the movie is based) is a Greek woman (unsurprisingly) who is unlucky in love. When she meets a guy she likes however, he is not Greek. Therefore, she must convince her family that marrying a non-Greek is not the end of the world. The movie is about change, about acceptance, about culture, about how much Greek women like to cook.

I did not mention any other cast members names because they are not as stand-out as I had hoped, therefore they do not deserve a place in the limited amount of space there is in this review. Besides, I won't broadside you with a lot of Greek surnames like Eleusiniotis. All you have to know is Joey Fatone is in it, and he actually has to act, because he isn't playing a gay member of a washed-up boy band.

Obvious Joey Fatone put-downs aside, I did enjoy this movie. It was enjoyable. Enjoyment was had. Some funny jokes in there.

OK, something bothered me....

It seems the entire premise of all the jokes is "It's funny because they're Greek". Pardon me, but that is against the entire supposed message of the story; acceptance of other cultures. Is the message cancelled out if the writer uses the opposite of the message to get across the message? I think so. It's hypocritical.

But it's still funny.

In fact, perhaps too funny. Apparently, at least when I went, there was a loud minority of people who found everything so hilarious that they felt that they should make it known to the entire cineplex. There was one woman in particular who enjoyed the jokes so much that she missed every other one laughing at them. She enjoyed the jokes so much as to add to my movie-going experience, and one wonders if the movie would have gotten a lower rating from me had she not been there. Ah well. The world may never know.

Orange County (2002)

Premise:
Shaun Brumder (Colin Hanks) is the president of his school, a gentleman and a scholar. Unfortunately, his guidance counselor is Lily Tomlin and his family is just...crazy. He finds a book by Marcus Skinner and from that day on wants to go to Stanford University. He has a girlfriend named Ashley who is quite conflicted about Shaun's desires to leave Orange County, and he has a brother named Lance (Jack Black) who sits around in underwear all day. His mother and father are divorced and alcoholic, and his friends are surfer stereotypes.

Well, Lily Tomlin gets his transcipts mixed up with some slacker's, so Shaun has to find a way to somehow, someway, get out of Orange County. Jack Black attempts to help, although he is mostly there for comic relief (mission: accomplished Jack Black. I salute you) Will Shaun get out of Orange County, and in the end, will he even want to get out of Orange County. I won't give away the ending, but...well...you know.

Comments:
I'll give "Orange County" this. It was not like other teen comedies I've seen. It was different, which is refreshing. The cameos with Chevy Chase, Lily Tomlin, Garry Marshall, Ben Stiller, and Kevin Kline are humorous, along with the larger performances by John Lithgow, Catherine O'Hara, and Harold Ramis. It's a movie for teens, so likely adults won't find it very amusing. Jack Black maintains his hilarity throughoutt the movie, and the musical cues for songs are...well...interesting.

Colin Hanks (son of Tom) does well, I guess. He's kinda of in the middle. He has potential but he didn't do anything that another, more experienced, better actor couldn't have done. I still enjoy his performance in "Orange County" better than his father's performance in "Cast Away" though.

And why the heck that dog was in the film, I'll never ever know!

Favorite Lines:
This is one of those movies where the short-term memory takes over and you can't remember any good lines afterwards.

"Moulin Rouge" (2001)
Retina Rating:

^1/2/ 5

I'll See Your Moulin and Raise You Rouge!
By Senior "Moulin Rouge" Correspondent Jackson Brody.

Congratulations Baz Luhrmann, you not only have a name I couldn't hope to pronounce, but you have finally created a movie for habitual crack users! Dope noses, heroin addicts, preschoolers with ADD, and the homeless schizophrenics of the world can now unite and watch this cinematic opera of sight and sound together. It you despise movies where the camera shots drag on and on, this film is your champion. Also, are you one of those people who hate it when the ending of a movie is a surprise? (I know the League of People Who Are Petitioning to Have The Sixth Sense Erased From History are!) If find you can't sit still in a movie because the film focuses on one angle for too long and because you're spending all your time trying to figure out what's about to happen, Moulin Rouge was made with you in mind! The concept for this musical film is actually quite ambitious. The setting is Paris, 1899. Now instead of the songs sounding like they are from the year 1899 and casting French-type persons in the lead roles they cast an Australian and a Scotsman and have them sing pop hits from the likes of Madonna, Sting, and Nirvana. Yes, confused drug addicts will be having a field day with this one. If you've ever had a dream where a fat man sings "Like a Virgin" to another man with an outrageous mustache, that dream has come true.

The performances in "Moulin Rouge" are top notch. If you thought Ewan McGregor couldn't sing (you doubtful bastard), he will prove your no-good bitch ass wrong in this movie. This boy can sing, and would wipe the floor with Frank Sinatra in a karaoke contest. Mainly because Frank Sinatra is dead, but that's beside the point. Nicole "My Secretly Gay Husband Left Me" Kidman is capable as a singer, but it is obvious that she is from Australia in every frame of the film. When compared to Frank Sinatra, she becomes almost overbearingly Australian. John Leguizamo is a dwarf, and also plays one in Moulin Rouge. I always assumed he was a normally heighted man, but he comes out of the presumably short closet for this film. I wonder why he felt he had to hide his dwarfness from his loving public for so long, but I am glad that he has come to terms with who he is.

At the end of the day, I liked this movie and only wish I was addicted to something so I could have had the full experience. It's fun to watch, and rarely will you hear so soulful a rendition of Roxanne. Sting just doesn't do it for me anymore. Just because the story is clichéd and has an ending so predictable that they tell you in the first five minutes doesn't mean it's not good. I wish they made more movies like this. So many movies these days (especially romantic ones) are clichéd anyway, but this one has the balls to sing covers of other songs and have men in tuxedos and top hats sing this chorus to Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit." You heard me.

One small side note: LOPWAPTHTSSEFH, please give up on your cause before anyone gets hurt. Jackson away!

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