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Marta
Terez: The Sitcom
Season
1
Episode
101 ("Lock Your Doors, Residents of Kissimmee Saint Cloud, Florida")
Pilot
Script
Scene 1
An office in Kissimmee St. Cloud,
5 minutes in the future
TRAVEL AGENT:
Well, Ms. Terez...
MARTA:
That's Marta Terez to you, honey.
TRAVEL AGENT:
Well, Ms. Marta Terez, you've seen most
of the brochures, where do you it would be best for you to relocate to?
MARTA:
A young talented woman like myself needs
the two essential Ss in her life: space and safety. New York sounds
too limiting and contained for someone as needy as me. And Wisconsin,
don't get me started, it is nothing but a horrid land ravaged by gang warfare,
murder, and midgets. But that place in Florida you mentioned...
TRAVEL AGENT:
...Kissimmee St. Cloud. Ah yes,
that is the place for you. Tons of fun in the sun.
MARTA:
I prefer not to leave the house that much.
TRAVEL AGENT:
Well, um, I hear they get great cable
down there.
MARTA:
Like what?
TRAVEL AGENT:
Oh, ESPNEWS, BBC America, the Food Network,
Much Music, the Canadian music network...
MARTA:
I am sold. What do I have to do
now?
TRAVEL AGENT:
Just sign these papers right here, go
home, pack your things, and an unmarked truck will arrive in several days
to move your furniture, and the like. You could even mail us the
check if you like.
MARTA:
I would like that. I must leave
now. I do have other things to do besides sit here and talk to a
travel agent, you know.
TRAVEL AGENT:
How could I think such a thing?
Thanks, and bye now!
MARTA:
You are welcome.
(Marta leaves the agency. The travel
agent opens a door to another room. He speaks to an unseen
man. Occasionally we catch a glance of his shadowy silhouette, but
we can only hear his voice. He has a hint of a strange accent, perhaps
Spanish?)
TRAVEL AGENT:
The deal is sealed. That was easier
than I thought!
MYSTERIOUS MAN:
Yes, a done well job. Your efforts
shall not be forgotten.
TRAVEL AGENT:
Gee thanks, Mr. B. Will you move
in on her now?
MYSTERIOUS MAN:
Patience, my friend, patience. My
revenge will be had in due course. She will learn not to tango with
me again...
Scene 2
Honest John's Apartment Complex,
several days later
(Marta is examining an apartment.
She is accompanied by Pierre Marie VonBonnet, the landlord.
He has a handlebar mustache, wears a top hat, carries a cane, and has a
mischievous grin on his face.)
PIERRE:
The apartment, you like?
MARTA:
Yes, it seems to meet my varied needs.
PIERRE:
Now, I know we addressed this earlier,
but you do know this is a bachelor's building?
MARTA:
Yes, a single's building. It seems
to meet my needs.
PIERRE:
But, is building full of men.
MARTA:
All the more betters place for a swinging
bachelorette like myself to flaunt myself.
PIERRE:
Whatever, as the Dutch say, floats your
boat. Now, what, ahem, method of payment suits you best.
MARTA:
What do you prefer, Mr. Bonnet?
PIERRE:
It's Mr. VonBonnet, thank you very much.
I often like the rent to be paid in gold nuggets in a potato sack with
a dollar sign on it thrown behind the dumpster, but a check made out to
"Honest John's Apartment Building" would be, ahem, sufficient.
MARTA:
Now, you see, I do not have a job, money,
or bank account, much less a potato sack with a dollar sign on it.
Will this be a problem?
PIERRE:
Well, my dear, it may very well turn into
a problem. But since Pierre Marie VonBonnet is a human being, not
some heartless emotionless robot from the 22nd century, I will allow you
one week to pay me!!
(Pierre laughs maniacally, then drops two
small black balls, which release a cloud of dark black smoke, which hides
him. He patiently waits for the smoke to clear, then calmly leaves.)
Scene 3
Main Street of Kissimmee St. Cloud,
Florida
(Marta is walking down the street, browsing
the shops, seeing the sights, when she sees someone she knows. This
supposed person is exiting a phone booth. She approaches him.)
MARTA:
Kevin Francis the Maye! Is that
you!!
(Kevin has completed his exit from
the phone booth. He is hurriedly re-tying his tie, and putting
his jacket back on.)
KEVIN:
Well I'm be a son of a- it's my old high
school buddy, Marta Terez!
MARTA:
What have you been up to?
KEVIN: (nervously)
Do you mean just now? Because I
was only making a phone call in there. What other possible thing
could I be doing in something like a phone booth? What other wacky
crazy thing is there to do? Oh, you mean with my life? I'm,
proud to say, a reporter.
MARTA: (suspiciously)
For what paper?
KEVIN:
Promise you won't laugh?
MARTA:
No, but tell me anyway.
KEVIN:
Um... the Daily Planet.
MARTA:
Let me guess. You just got transferred
from Metropolis?
KEVIN:
No.actually. (He looks at camera.)
Denver, Colorado.
MARTA:
How interesting. What am I doing?
Well, I just moved here. My doctor said that I wasn't taking enough
time out of my life to concentrate on myself. So, I decided a change
of scenery was the only possible thing I could do if I wanted to salvage
my sanity.
KEVIN:
Oh that's great! Where are you living?
MARTA:
I am living at Honest John's Apartment
Complex.
KEVIN:
Hey, that's where I live! Wait,
you live at Honest John's?
MARTA:
Yeah, you gotta problem with that?
KEVIN:
Oh, of course not. It's just that
Honest John's is a bach.oh never mind. How's about we go back to
the ol' building and you show me around your place?
MARTA:
That sounds marvelous.
Scene 4
Marta's apartment
(We come into view of your standard
apartment, but it is full of yet-to-be-unpacked boxes, and other
obscure objects, some of which you would expect someone like Marta to have.
Kevin and Marta enter.)
KEVIN:
Was that Ike Eisenhower at the door of
that apartment back there?
MARTA:
Ike who?
KEVIN:
Ike Eisenhower. The 34th President
of the United States of America. 1953-1961.
MARTA:
You have a problem with the 34th President
of the United States living across from me?
KEVIN:
'Course not. I like Ike.
MARTA:
Damn straight.
KEVIN:
So Marta, what kind of work are you doing?
MARTA:
Work?
KEVIN:
You know, work? Do you have a job?
MARTA:
Oh, one of those. I haven't really
thought about that. I don't see it as necessary for the time being.
It's something I'd to gradually work myself into.
KEVIN:
Not to be critical or anything, but how
do you intend on supporting yourself? Food? Rent? Shelter?
MARTA:
That never really came into my consideration.
I suppose then I should get a job
KEVIN:
What kind of degrees do you have?
MARTA:
Oh, it's 88 Fahrenheit
(A rimshot is heard. Kevin
looks at Marta inquisitively.)
KEVIN:
Let me rephrase that. Have you received
a degree from a institution of higher learning?
MARTA:
Oh, like a college degree? I decided
I did not want to finish college. I am destined for non-college requirement
things.
KEVIN:
That is a refreshing way to look at things.
There is so much out there after all. Most dropouts would look back
at the experience as a failure.
MARTA:
I know!! What is the world coming
to!?
KEVIN:
What were you majoring in, before you
dropped out of college?
MARTA:
I was working with animals.
KEVIN:
Were you planning to train animals or
something?
MARTA:
No, but I like to eat them.
(Knock on door.)
(Marcus E. Larkus, Kevin's bumbling roommate,
enters. He is wearing shorts, even though is it not the appropriate
season for such clothes. He is also sporting a pair of thick "nerd"
glasses. He speaks in a whiny monotone voice.)
MARCUS:
Kev-in! There you are! I have
been looking for you for some time. Where did you put my Windex?
KEVIN:
Marta, allow me to introduce you to my
bumbling roommate, Marcus E. Larkus.
MARCUS:
Hey! I resent that! It was
a pleasure to meet you, ma'am. Kev-in! Did you use my towel
this morning?
KEVIN:
No, did you use my toothbrush last night?
MARCUS:
Yes! I mean no. I really do.
(Hangs head in shame.)
MARTA:
How did you know Kevin was here?
MARCUS:
Whenever I cannot find Kev-in, I just
wander around the building shouting Kev-in! and looking in people's apartments.
Sadly, this method has involved me in many unpleasant situations.
KEVIN:
You would not believe the number of bloodthirsty
stockbrokers I've saved him from.
(A loud crash is heard. Grasping
for breath, a shaken J.P. exits from a closet. He is dressed in a
sweater and khakis and is quite the scholarly looking fellow.)
KEVIN:
Hey J.P., what were you doing locked inside
a closet?
J.P.:
Penalties suffered from Pierre, for not
paying my rent on time. That man has become quite the deviant lately.
Ah, I seem to not remember someone living here when I was locked in a closet.
Can I assume someone, whom I have not been formally introduced to, is in
fact living here?
KEVIN:
You always were the smart one. Yes,
allow me to introduce my old school friend, Marta Terez.
J.P.:
Pleasure to make your acquaintance.
MARTA:
Yeah, whatever, nevermind.
KEVIN:
Hey, J.P., where is that ras-cal, Eamon?
J.P.:
I do not know. I can only assume
he is off hard at work at his weekend job.
CUT TO:
The rooftop of a building.
(We see Eamon, clad in army camoflauge
pants and wearing a shirt that says "USA ROCKS," standing in a traditional
attack stance. He is facing off against his archnemesis, Agent
Neophyte, who wears an eyepatch and speaks with a strange accent.)
NEOPHYTE:
You have no choice but to surrender.
Do us all a favor and give me the secrets to Operation: African Caesar.
EAMON:
I'd sooner die.
NEOPHYTE:
Your proposal is acceptable...
(Agent Neophyte cracks his knuckles,
and slowly approaches Eamon, with a mere glint of evil in his non-eyeptached
eye.)
EAMON:
You sir, are out of line.
NEOPHYTE:
Watch me care, and I'll watch you die!
EAMON:
Never!
NEOPHYTE:
Is that your final answer?
(Eamon, beginning to sense his own mortality,
fears the worst. He has two options: betray his country, or save
his own life?)
EAMON:
I believe I have one lifeline left.
( He takes the third option, backs up,
takes a deep breath, and leaps off the building in a moment of heroism
and self-sacrifice.)
NEOPHYTE:
EAMON!!!!!!!!!!!
CUT BACK TO:
Marta's Apartment
KEVIN:
What is Eamon's job?
J.P.:
I dunno, I think he works for some sort
of courier service.
MARTA:
Who is this, Eamon? He sounds like
someone I would not like.
J.P.:
Oh, me and Eamon go way back. Our
friendship began with a mutual interest in the show "Animaniacs."
KEVIN:
Not only that, but he is a member of our
progressive rock group, Hyper Drive Factor Five.
MARCUS:
I play guitar in that, you know.
I am very skilled, I have been told that I am very good with my hands.
(He snickers. Kevin's response
is too kick him in the stomach, which causes the feeble Marcus to
crumple to the ground. He will remain like this throughout the rest
of the scene.)
KEVIN:
No one makes bad jokes around Marcusn,
unless they're...
KEVIN and J.P.:
Bad Marcus Jokes!
(They high five.)
MARTA:
What type of "music" does this "band"
play?
J.P.:
Since none of us ever bothered to learn
to write music, we take other songs and write our own lyrics.
MARTA:
So you're just a crappy cover band that
tries to parody songs? Like Weird Al Yankovic?
KEVIN: (solemnly)
Never put us on the level of such a master.
J.P.:
We've had some hit songs.
KEVIN:
We never made an album; we still need
to make a name for ourselves.
J.P.:
We had radio play with "Some Great Americans
Have Smoked Pot," a bittersweet ballad that examines how frail and unprotected
America's subcultures entranced by the cannabis plant have become.
KEVIN:
"I Cut Myself" was real popular with sadistic
ninth-graders.
MARTA:
As much as that's all well and good, but
do you guys even have a gig?
KEVIN: (proudly)
We're the house band at a lesbian bar
named "McNipple's."
J.P.:
We don't have to worry about getting hit
on by drunks.
MARTA:
A lesbian bar? That seems pretty
low on the gig food chain.
KEVIN:
Hey, it beats playing at grade school
dances.
MARCUS:
All those smart mouthed kids make unpolite
remarks about my weight.
KEVIN:
Hey Marta, do you want this vase?
MARTA:
It never did seem to agree with me.
KEVIN:
Fat man, shut up!
(Kevin smashes the vase over Marcus'
head. He shouts "Ow" and then promptly passes out.)
KEVIN:
I just got an idea.
J.P.:
Oh, do tell.
KEVIN:
As you know, the old bouncer at McNipple's
recently left.
J.P.
Yes. Whatever did happen to Lester?
KEVIN:
He got elected to city council, again.
J.P.:
That man is such a contradiction.
One minute he's an advocate for the lesbian community, the next he's a
suit-wearing Republican trying to give rich people more access to firearms.
KEVIN:
It is sad, I know. Since they need
a new bouncer, and Marta does need a job... I thought she might apply for
the job...
MARTA:
Bouncer? At a lesbian bar?
That doesn't sound too appealing. How would it benefit me?
KEVIN:
You do like to force yourself upon others,
especially ones you don't know. And this job would allow you to wield
power over others. You would be in complete control of lesbians,
some of them the most arrogant people on Earth. And they would have
to do what you tell them to do.
MARTA:
Wield power? Arrogant people?
Lesbians? World? Me?
KEVIN:
I'll set up an interview with Big Willie,
or Big Wilma, whoever it is that day.
MARTA:
Huh?
J.P.:
Perhaps we should explain. Big Willie,
or Big Wilma, is a transitional sexual. That means that it is both
male and female, but at different times. It can alternate back and
forth between it's two forms.
KEVIN:
It usually depends on the weather.
I'll set up an interview at a neutral location.
MARTA:
Why not at the bar?
KEVIN:
Big Willie doesn't like many people to
know where the bar is, unless you work there or are a lesbian.
J.P.:
Can you imagine the controversy if the
CCOP ever found out?
MARTA:
CCOP?
J.P. and KEVIN: (in unison)
Concerned Community of Overactive Parents.
MARTA:
I suppose I shall agree to an interview.
Who knows, there may be something in this world besides pampering myself.
A career is what I need to improve upon myself.
KEVIN:
Now that's what I call a motivated career
woman.
Scene 5
Little Tyke's Children's Playground
(Big Willie is sitting at a picnic
table. He is reading a newspaper with the headline: New Harry
Potter book fails to live up to expectations; Entire generation of sixth
graders commit mass suicide." Marta enters and sits with Big Willie.)
BIG WILLIE:
Hey there lil' missy. Big Willie's
the name, barkeepin's the game. How do?
MARTA:
Yeah, that's, um, nice. Pleasure
to meet you, I guess.
BIG WILLIE:
It's a bit breezy, today, isn't'it?
MARTA:
Yes, I suppose. I have a question,
why did you choose Little Tyke's Children's Playground as a meeting place?
(A swift breeze blows through the
park, which causes Big Willie to turn into Big Wilma.)
BIG WILMA:
Oh, that's a funny story! You see,
I was, like, searching for somewhere that would, like, reflect the job.
So, then I was like, hmm, and I was reading the town directory, and I thought
totally I saw this place called "Little Dyke's Children's Playground" 'cause
I have this condition where I read what I want to see.
MARTA:
Thank you for overexplaining that story,
ma'am.
BIG WILLA:
No prob, girlfriend! So what, like,
makes you think you're, like, right for the job?
MARTA:
I am simply looking for a job that does
not require a college degree in which I can wield power over others.
BIG WILMA:
Oh gawd! There's nothing like hearing
the sweet cry of a motivated career woman! I am such an advocate
of women in the workplace, you would not believe it. Us girls got
to stick together, girlfriend!
MARTA:
Yes... we do. Do I get the job?
(Another swift breeze blows through
the park, and Big Wilma undergoes a transformation into Big
Willie.)
BIG WILLIE:
Well, I just can't give the job to the
first pretty little thing that walks on in, now can I? I'll get back
to ya as soon as I, alright, lil' missy? Ya'll have a good day now.
Scene 6
Marta's Apartment, the next day
(Kev, Marta, and Marcus are sitting
lazily around, watching the television.)
KEVIN:
So Marta, how did that interview go?
MARTA:
He shamelessly flirted with me, she was
an aging hipster.
(The phone rings. Marcus, who gets
excited at the sound of ringing things, dashes for it. Marta, who
is also eagerly racing for the phone, knocks him out as he is about to
pick up. She picks up.)
MARTA:
Hello? (Pause) Oh hi, Big Wilma. (Pause)
Oh sorry, hi Big Willie. (Pause) I do? That's damnfastic. When
do I start? (Pause) Tomorrow? Don't worry, I would never think of
wearing anything girly, not on my first day. Thanks, bye now.
MARCUS:
So I take it you got the job?
(Kevin stands up and punches Marcus
in the stomach.)
KEVIN:
That's for eavesdropping on her phone
call. Did you get the job?
MARTA:
Yes I did. Did you doubt me?
KEVIN:
I have never doubted anyone, except for
Marcus when he goes on one of his "diets." I just wonder if this
is the right career for you.
MARTA:
Originally I thought that, too.
I am in no way a "lesbian," would my work environment be comfortable?
Then I realized I would not only be performing a service, but I would be
servicing others. Lesbians are such an underspoken minority in this
country, afraid to speak out for themselves, with no one to protect them.
It is now my duty, as a human being, to stop young female bisexuals who
are already married to men from entering the sacred temples known as lesbians
bars.
KEVIN:
Well said. I just think you should
be concerned about your safety. (Jokingly) Hey, maybe you should get your
own midget doorman, as protection. Kind of like your own little bouncer.
MARTA:
Hey... that's a good idea.
KEVIN:
But I was kidding...
MARTA:
So was Hitler.
Scene 7
Marta's Apartment, several hours
later
(Marta and J.P. are sitting on the
couch as Kevin says goodbye to an unseen midget.)
KEVIN:
Bye now, Scooter, we'll be in touch.
(A "honk, honk" is heard from the
hallway.)
KEVIN:
Now what was wrong with that one?
MARTA:
Must I be expected to explain everything?
J.P.:
I saw Scooter as a perfectly serviceable
midget.
MARTA:
Since when was this all about you?
It's all about me.
(There is a knock at the door.)
KEVIN:
That must be some more midgets.
(Kevin opens the door. Jon
and Nick enter and hand Kev a resume.)
NICK:
Hey guys, I'm Nick, and this is my cousin,
Jon.
JON:
Hey. We'd think we'd be, um, good
for the job because we like to watch a lot of movies.
NICK:
Our immense knowledge of pop culture is
all-inclusive and covers a wide range of varying topics.
JON:
'Cept for old black and white movies,
'cause they're boring. And they suck.
NICK:
And we've seen like every Kevin Smith
movie ever. We know like everything about him.
JON:
Some might say too much, but we are comfortable
with our amount of knowledge.
KEVIN:
As much as that's all well and good, how
does this make you a better midget doorman?
J.P.:
The major problem I see here is your resume.
You have yourselves described as illiterate seventh-graders. I don't
know what you heard, but we're looking for midgets.
NICK:
We realize this, and considering the dim
reality our future holds...
JON:
...we decided to find a career before
we are forced by society to accept that we have no place in it.
MARTA:
Yeah, that's nice. I think we are
going to look in a different direction.
(There is a shot of Kevin, J.P., and Marta
deliberately looking away from Nick and John)
NICK:
Things look grim, Jon. We better
whip out the A-1 material.
(The two start to move back and forth
across the floor in a curious little jig.)
MARTA:
I am most intrigued. Perhaps I shall
reconsider. What do you call this dance?
NICK:
The "nickel" dance.
KEVIN:
Marta, could I have a word.
(Kevin leans over and whispers in
her ear. What he says is very convincing because: )
MARTA:
My apologies. I have reconsidered
again. While I immensely enjoy the asthetic value of the nickel dance,
two persons with such a knowledge of Kevin Smith would ultimately prove
wrong for the position. I'm sorry.
JON:
Don't worry. We can always be gasmonkeys.
NICK:
Hey remember that we were in Friendlys
and.
(Their dialogue trails off as the
two leave, torn, but not defeated.)
MARTA:
That's it. I give up. I find
no midget that is remotely suitable.
KEVIN:
Hey, they weren't all that bad.
J.P.:
One of them was even in a midget porn
flick, "All the Small Things."
MARTA:
There is no hope for Marta Terez.
(There is a sharp knock at the door.
Marta perks up with hope. Kevin slowly answers the door, shivering
with anticipation. Enter Ozmodier, a strange little being who is
wearing a little suit. He is quite the little charmer.)
OZMODIAR:
Bonjour, mes copains! Je m'appelle
Ozmodiar, et toi?
KEVIN:
What did you say your name was?
OZMODIAR: (stamps his foot.)
Ozmodiar!!
KEVIN:
Very well, if that is your real name.
OZMODIAR:
Quel temps fait-il! Je vais faire
mais devoirs. Je m'ennuie. Il fait frais tu vas porter un blouson.
Il commence a il fait mauvais. Quand?
MARTA:
You have the job. How much do you
want?
OZMODIAR:
Je ne sais pas! 100,000 francs!
MARTA:
You have it. You can move in tomorrow.
What is mine is now yours.
OZMODIAR:
Merci, madam. Au revoir, mes copains!
Allons-y!
(Ozmodier leaves.)
KEVIN:
Do you think that was a wise choice?
Of all the the obscure midgets we've seen today, he was the obscurest.
J.P.:
I concur. And he had the air of
an omnipotent being about him.
MARTA:
I do not care. I found him enjoyable.
That is what is important here.
J.P.:
And how will you be able to afford the
100,000 francs to pay him? You just got a low-paying job with little
opportunity for advancement.
MARTA:
You forget, I am the heiress to the Gorton's
Fisherman Food Company.
KEVIN:
Wait, then why did you get a job if you
had that much money lying around? And why did you not tell us you
had a source of income?
MARTA:
I cannot sufficiently provide an answer
to that question at this point.
KEVIN:
So I guess this means that you can pay
your rent without running into trouble with Pierre.
MARTA:
I did not pay him, but I did arrange it
so he would no longer be a problem.
PIERRE: (from inside a closet)
Let me out of here! Pierre Marie
VonBonnet will not tolerate such treatment! A healthy revenge shall
be had from this experience!
KEVIN:
Do you plan on ever letting him out?
MARTA:
No.
J.P.:
If you're the heiress to the Gorton's
Fisherman fortune, does this mean you know the Gorton's Fisherman?
MARTA:
Honey, after my grandfather and father
are dead, I will be the Gorton's Fisherman.
KEVIN:
In retrospect, Marta, I think the series
of events you have experienced over the past several days have been satisfying
and entertaining. You have not only successfully integrated yourself
into your comical new surrounding, but you have rekindled old friendships
while forging brand new ones. I couldn't imagine a more fantastic
start to your new life.
J.P.:
I couldn't have said it better myself.
(J.P. winks at the camera. Marcus
enters, brimming with pride.)
KEVIN:
Hey Marcus, what movie didya rent?
MARCUS:
Leslie Nielson and Leslie Nielson in the
'Parent Trap II: The Revenge'
Scene 8
Outside the door of Marta's Apartment,
in the Hall
(Ozmodiar stands, arms crossed, at the
door. He has a mean face in order to scare off anyone without the
proper access clearance. Eamon comes down the hall triumphantly after
successfully delivering his "package". He goes to Ozmodiar)
OZMODIAR:
Pardon, Monsieur. Je regret, mais
j'ai peur que tu ne peut pas entrer cette apartment.
EAMON:
The hell?
(All of a sudden, the door opens
and Kevin appears.)
KEVIN:
Eamon! There you are! Come
in. (To Ozmodiar) C'est Eamon, un ami de moi.
(Ozmodiar eyes Eamon suspiciously,
then reluctantly steps aside to let Eamon through.)
Scene 9:
Inside Marta's Apartment
(A belated housewarming party is
going on. Everybody in the episode (except for Mysterious Man) is
there. Marta is standing with J.P. and Marcus. Eamon and Kevin
walk over to them.)
J.P.:
And so then I said to her, "Yes, but does
the Doppler Effect still work in the 9th Dimension?". Then, and this
is where it gets really interesting, she said, "Superstring Theory says
that."
KEVIN: (Interrupting)
Marta, I would like to introduce you to
my friend Eamon. Eamon Laub, Marta. Marta Terez, Eamon.
(They immediately lock eyes and squint
at each other menacingly, without saying a word. Then, after a moment,
they both nod at each other sharply, signaling each one's acknowledgement
of the other's presence, and making sure just to leave it at that for now.)
J.P.:
Eamon, greetings and salutations!
EAMON: (out of the menacing stare)
The name's Satch DeLeon, fellows.
KEVIN: (confused)
Huh?
EAMON:
I've gotten in a bit of trouble with some
of the higher-ups, if you know what I mean. Therefore, I put myself
in the Witness Protection Program and got the name "Satch DeLeon" to help
conceal my identity.
MARCUS:
Kevin knows a thing or too about concealing
his identity, don't you Kev?
(Kevin, noticeably shaken, kicks
Marcus in the shins very hard.)
KEVIN: (nervously)
You were saying, Eamon?
EAMON:
Mortichai Danger at your service..
MARCUS:
Hello Mortichai Danger! Hey, where
did Eam-on go?
(All look at Marcus. Marcus
still doesn't get it.)
Oh my god, is Eamon dead?
(Pause. Then, all including
Eamon nod. They don't feel like explaining it.)
(Pause)
J.P.:
We are all now a little bit dumber because
of that.
MARTA:
I quickly grow weary of this party.
We need entertainment. (she claps her hands.) Jesters, entertain
me now.
EAMON:
What's the entertainment?
(Ozmodiar suddenly runs in and jumps
in front of the group.)
OZMODIAR:
Je ne sais pas!!
(Gimmicky canned laughter ensues.
Ozmodiar runs back from whence he came.)
KEVIN:
Well, there aren't any jesters here (Marta
looks disappointed)..yet (Marta looks happy). For now, though, we've
got the comedic and musical stylings of the physicist-turned-comedian/singer
Stephen Hawking.
CUT TO: Stephen Hawking in front of a brick
wall with a spotlight shining on him.
STEPHEN HAWKING:
It is so hot in here.
AUDIENCE:
How hot is it?
STEPHEN HAWKING:
It is so hot that you could disturb the
electromagnetic forces that repel 2 hydrogen atoms away from each other
long enough for fusion to occur and make helium.
(All is silent except for the sound of
J.P. laughing hysterically)
STEPHEN HAWKING:
Thank you. Thank you. I've
got 2.3 million of them. And what's the deal with 2% milk?
BACK TO: The group at Marta's party.
KEVIN:
He tried singing for a while, but he finally
decided against it.
BACK TO: Stephen Hawking in front of a
brick wall.
STEPHEN HAWKING:
Oh Mickey, you're so fine. You're
so fine, you blow my mind. Hey Mickey.
BACK TO: The party
J.P.
He came highly recommended by a nuclear
technician friend of mine.
MARCUS:
Oh, the wheelchair guy, right?
(All look at him as before)
I know that look. Wheelchair guy
is dead, isn't he?
J.P.
How very inappropriate.
(The sound of a tuba going "womp womp"
can be heard. Cut to black)
THE END
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