J.P.:
It was certainly a shame to see that $1000 bill go to pay for the plane tickets.

MARTA:
I can think of no better way to spend $1000 than for tickets to a city where you want to go see someone.

EAMON (sarcastic):
Wow Marta, that little soliloquy was robust with powerful and moving words.

KEVIN:
Marta, you might want to let Ozmodiar out of the suitcase.

 (The suitcase starts hopping up and down and little yelps are heard from inside.)

MARTA:
He'll get out when I'm good and ready. 

(Nick and John walk up to the gang.)

NICK (to John):
See, I told you John John, these tourists have mad cash. (To Marta): Oh, well look who we have here.  Little Miss "I like the Nickel Dance but I can't hire you as my doorman".  Who'd you end up getting for your doorman? (Marta points at the suitcase.)

NICK:
You got a suitcase for your doorman?

MARTA:
He's inside the suitcase, moron.

NICK (sarcastic):
Yo, hey, OK.  I can see your intellect far outmatches mine here.

MARTA:
You know what the problem is here?

NICK:
You're a weiner?

MARTA (flustered):
Uh.no.no that's not it.  You've gone and made me forget what I was going to say.

NICK:
Ha.  Come on John John.  Hey, remember the time I ran into the wall.(his voice trails off as he and John depart.  The gang look after them, bewildered.)

OZMODIAR (Muffled, from inside suitcase):
Air!  J'ai besoin d'air!

CUT TO:
INT. DAY: HOTEL SUITE
(Ozmodiar is still hopping around inside the suitcase.  Marta unzips the suitcase, and Ozmodiar jumps out, stumbles around dizzily, then runs into the wall and falls down.  All look at him.)

J.P.:
Umm.anyway, I think the best course of action would be to call Dr. Dre to tell him you're coming.  Do you know his number?

MARTA:
Do I look like the kind of person who carries a personal phone book?

KEVIN:
Actually.

MARTA:
Quiet.

J.P.:
Well, OK, that isn't a problem.  Hey Eamon, didn't you once deliver something to Dr. Dre through your courier service?

EAMON:
Why, yes, yes I did.

J.P.:
I remember because you kept bugging me about how cool it was that you had accidentally stolen one of his cars.

EAMON:
The keys fell into my pocket accidentally.  It would have been a crime NOT to steal it.

J.P.:
Nevertheless, I'm sure it would have something in the glove compartment with his phone number in it.

MARTA:
Hmm, it might be worth a try.  Where's the car.

EAMON:
Well, luckily, I didn't take it back to Kissimmee.  I wanted to wait until the heat died down.  It's in a good friend of mine's garage.

J.P.:
Who's your good friend.

EAMON:
Why, Tony Danza of course.

J.P.:
You mean "Who's the Boss?" star Tony Danza

EAMON:
The very same.

KEVIN:
Hey, did they ever find out who the boss really was?

MARTA:
I believe that it is safe to say that I was the boss.

KEVIN:
You weren't on "Who's the Boss?"

MARTA:
Wasn't I, Kevin?  Wasn't I?

KEVIN:
Uh..no.you weren't.  I believe I was the boss.

J.P.:
Au contrare, Kev, I do believe it was I who was the boss.

EAMON:
It matters not who was the boss, I only know that I want Charles in charge of me.

(Eamon looks into the distance oddly as the last part of the theme song plays under his words from nowhere.  The others look up inquisitively.)
CUT TO:
BLANK SCREEN WITH LETTERS "5 Hours Later"
BACK TO
INT. DAY: HOTEL SUITE

MARTA:
Well, it took several hours to get the glove compartment open, but we finally got the phone number.

EAMON:
Hey, if you knew how easy it was to steal that car, you would put your own anti-theft system on it too.

J.P.:
Yeah, but it was just on the glove box.

EAMON:
Your point?

KEVIN:
Marta, why don't you call Dr. Dre now, huh?

MARTA:
Yes, that is an acceptable suggestion.

(Marta goes to the telephone.)

Yes, hello?  Is a Mr. Dr. Dre there?

J.P.:
Mr. Dr.?

MARTA:
He isn't talking to anyone?  Well, he'll talk to me.  Put him on immediately.

EAMON:
I think this is one of those situations where Marta's aggressive tendencies pay off.  Don't you think, Ozmodiar?

 (Ozmodiar runs onscreen.)

OZMODIAR (comically):
Je ne sais pas!

 (Canned laughter ensues.   Ozmodiar runs offscreen.)

INT. DAY-DR. DRE'S OFFICE, HOLLYWOOD HILLS
ESTABLISHING SHOT: MARTA AND GANG IN WAITING ROOM

KEVIN:
Wow, I never thought I'd get to meet Dr. Dre.

CUT TO:
INSIDE DR. DRE'S OFFICE

DR. DRE:
Wow, I never thought I'd get to meet Kevin Maye

BACK TO: MARTA AND GANG

MARTA:
Yes, but if anyone asks, he met you.

CUT TO: DOOR TO OFFICE  (Door opens, MRS PIERCE walks out)

MRS. PIERCE (THE SECRETARY):
Dr. Dre will see you now.

MARTA:
Thanks, Ms. Faversham.

J.P.:
Wha??

MARTA:
What?  I prefer the name Faversham.

MRS. PIERCE
Actually, so do I.

(Marta nods at her approvingly and walks in.  The rest of the gang walks in confused)
CUT TO:
INT. DAY: INSIDE DR. DRE'S OFFICE
(The room is ultra modern.  A laptop is on the desk, and Dr. Dre sits facing away from them in a large leather chair.  Marta walks right up to the desk.)

MARTA:
Dr. Dre, I have arrived.

DR. DRE:
Hello Ms. Terez.  Though we have never talked, I remember you well.

J.P.:
Oh, crap, he remembers her!!

 (J.P. screams and dives behind the desk.  The others ignore him.)

KEVIN:
Dr. Dre?  Hi, I'm Kevin Maye.

DR. DRE:
Hi, I'm you're biggest fan.

KEVIN:
Thanks, man.

MARCUS:
Hey, if you're a doctor, I've got this nasty bump on my..

KEVIN:
Marcus!

J.P. (Having gotten up from behind the desk.)
No good can come from this.

MARCUS:
Kev-in, I've had this bump on my.

KEVIN:
Marcus, firstly, he's not a real doctor.

MARCUS:
But.

KEVIN:
No buts.  Secondly, we do not want to hear about any bumps on your.

MARCUS:
But.

KEVIN:
Marcus, stop.

MARCUS:
Kev-in, I'm trying to tell you that it's a bump on my butt.

(An odd silence ensues)

MARCUS:
Perhaps you'd prefer if I said buttocks.

MARTA:
Dr. Dre, pardon my friends.  I'm here for a simple reason.  That reason escapes me at the moment, but I just wanted to say.

CUT TO:
FAVOR: KEVIN
CUT TO:
FAVOR: EAMON
CUT TO:
FAVOR: J.P.
CUT TO:
FAVOR: MARCUS LOOKING AT HIS OWN BUTT, NOT PAYING ATTENTION
CUT TO:
FAVOR: OZMODIAR
CUT TO:
FAVOR: MARTA

MARTA:
..Screw you, homo.

KEVIN:
Marta!!!

DR. DRE:
Marta Terez, I would like to say that I am surprised.  However, I am not.  Your unique brand of arrogance only reminds me of my former legions of fans who turned their backs on me with the release of my last album, claiming I had finally and fully turned pop.  You, Marta Terez, are an utter anti-disappointment.  Do you know what I said to Ms. Pierce when I heard you were coming.

EAMON:
Who?

DR. DRE (with a sigh):
Ms. Faversham

MARTA AND GANG:
Oh!!!  Of course!!!  Etc.

DR. DRE:
Well, do you know what I said to her?  I said, "They all think I've turned "pop".  And I hate the whole lot of them."

(Marcus begins crying unexpectedly, and runs out of the room.  All look at Kevin, who shrugs, and gives them a "Don't look at me, I 'unno" look.)

MARTA:
Now listen here, Dr. Dre, I don't know who you think you are, but we flew all the way here using the only $1000 bill any of us has ever seen so that I could finally meet you, and..

DR. DRE:
Wait, did you say $1000 bill?

KEVIN:
Yeah, Marcus found it.

DR. DRE:
DASTARDS!!  That was my $1000 bill.  I lost it somewhere in Kissimmee a couple days ago.  You spent my $1000 bill to come to L.A. and call me a homo.

MARTA:
True..but..we..also..bought.pancakes at IHOP.

DR. DRE (Furious):
GET OUT!!!

J.P.:
Oh crap, he's going to explode!!!

 (J.P. dives out the door with the rest of the gang running behind him.)
CUT TO:
INT. DAY-MARTA'S HOTEL SUITE (The gang walks in the door)

KEVIN:
So, let me get this straight, Marta.  You spent $1000 dollars to come to L.A., dragging us all along for the ride.  You went to Dr. Dre's office, with what had seemed like the intent to reconcile your differences.  Then, unexpectedly, and without warning, you say to Dr. Dre "Screw you, homo."

MARTA:
Technically, yes.

KEVIN:
Only technically?  What about hypothetically?  Realistically?  Actually and metaphysically?

MARTA:
In order; no, yes, yes, yes and maybe.

J.P.:
Guys.

EAMON:
Hey, you shouldn't judge Marta.  She was under a lot of pressure to forget her pride and try to reconcile with a man who humiliated her publicly.

J.P.:
Guys.

KEVIN:
Eamon, that's not the point.  She mouthed off one of the foremost names in rap.  The one, the only, Dr. Dre.

J.P.:
Guys..

EAMON:
Yes, J.P., we're aware you like guys.

J.P.:
What?!  No!!!  I was attempting to get your attention.

EAMON:
That's what Andy Dick said.

KEVIN:
Wha?

J.P.:
People, I have a question that you will find amusing as well as intriguing.

KEVIN:
It isn't one of your stupid trivia questions like "Who invented the sun?", is it?

J.P.:
No, this one is more amusing and intriguing.

MARTA:
Well, ask it already!!

J.P.:
Where in the sweet merciful lord's creation is that Marcus?

KEVIN:
Oh, I wouldn't worry about Marcus too much.

J.P.:
Why?  He can take care of himself.

KEVIN:
What?  No, I just wouldn't worry about him too much.

J.P.:
Oh.

MARTA:
It's the truth.  He wouldn't.

EAMON:
Maybe Dr. Dre's speech made him feel guilty and he ran away into the wilderness to become a hermit.

 (Pause.)

.nah.

 (All laugh.  Ominous music is heard in background.)
CUT TO:
BLANK SCREEN  (White letters appear that say "4 months later.")
CUT TO:
INT. DAY-MARTA'S APARTMENT
(Marta is sitting eating a sandwich.  Ozmodiar is reading the back page of a newspaper)
CUT TO:
BLANK SCREEN  (While letters appear that say "3 months earlier")
CUT TO:
BLANK SCREEN (Marta is sitting eating a sandwich.  Ozmodiar is reading the front page of the same newspaper.  Kevin, Eamon, and J.P. are sitting watching TV.  A pause ensues until a knock on the door is heard.)

MARTA: (Looking up)
Ozmodiar.

OZMODIAR:
Oui, oui, je sais.  "Ouvries le port, Ozmodiar".

(Ozmodiar opens the door, and Marcus falls through it, dirty and in a torn-up version of what he was wearing when he disappeared.  Kevin, Eamon, and J.P. look up from the TV surprised.  Marta runs to Marcus.)

MARTA:
Marcus, there you are! Where have you been?  We've been worried si..in good health.about you.

(Marcus mumbles incoherently.  Faintly, a close listener might hear the word "bacon" mumbled for no apparent reason)

MARTA:
Ozmodiar, where are your manners?  Pull him to a chair!

(Ozmodiar looks at her in disbelief, sighs, and kicks Marcus' foot.  Marta walks over to Kevin, Eamon, and J.P. and starts talking.  During the following, we will see Ozmodiar in the background trying unsuccessfully to move Marcus with comical results.)

MARTA:
He seems to have lost the power of coherent speech.

KEVIN:
Good.

J.P.:
Kevin!

KEVIN:
Well, you don't have to live with him, do you?

J.P.:
No, but even still, we have to re-educate him.

EAMON:
No we don't.  He's amusing like he is.

J.P.:
While I'm sure that's true, in his current state, he also cannot feed himself.

KEVIN:
OK, well, what are we waiting for?  Let's re-educate this puppy.

(A musical sequence ensues where Jackson 5's "ABC" is played in the background.  The gang helps Marcus get back to his old self. It includes Marta teaching Marcus math.  Marta has "2+2=____" and "2+3=____" on a board.  Marcus answers the first one "4".  Marta claps, and Marcus claps happily.  He goes onto the next problem and answers it with a "4" as well, with looks of disbelief from Marta.  Meanwhile, Eamon teaches Marcus the ways of society and tries to keep Marcus from buying girl's clothes, to no avail.  A clip ensues of Marcus trying on purses and girls' hats.  Kevin teaches Marcus how to avoid shin-kicking through practice.  Ozmodiar teaches Marcus how to open doors, which Marcus shows he is now deathly afraid of.  J.P. attempts to teach the planets of the solar system to Marcus through the "My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas" acronym, but only results in making Marcus hungry. This sequence includes Kevin, Eamon, Marta, and J.P. standing around a water-cooler shaking their heads in frustration.  (Ozmodiar is sitting on top of the water cooler).  The sequence ends with the gang plopping down on the couch, exhausted.  The music ends.)

MARTA:
Well, sirs, I believe we've finally done it.

KEVIN:
Created a dilemma of massive proportions..literally.

J.P.:
I never thought it was possible to completely re-educate a grown man, and apparently I was right.

 (Marcus walks in and sits on the arm of the couch.)

KEVIN:
Well, Marcus, what have you got to say for yourself?

MARCUS: (after a pause)
Nothing.  (All look surprised.)

KEVIN:
Marcus, you can talk.

MARCUS:
Yes.

KEVIN:
Damnit!!

J.P.:
Well, he's up to one word sentences.  That's good, I guess.

MARCUS:
Guess?

KEVIN:
Fat man, shut up.

EAMON:
Well, what have we learned from this experience.

 (All pause and ponder.)

MARCUS:
Nothing?

EAMON:
Yeah, I guess.

KEVIN:
No, we have learned something.  We've learned never to say "Screw you, homo" to a famous rap mogul.

MARTA:
Yeah, and Marcus learned that 2 plus 3 equals 4.

MARCUS: (proud of himself, holding up 4 fingers)
Four.

J.P.:
And I learned the speed of light is not the speed limit of the universe.

 (All look at him.)

Well, it isn't!

MARCUS:
Four.

 (All laugh comically in a sitcom-like fashion.  The screen freezes.)
CUT TO:
CREDITS

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