What do I do now? Where do I turn? Does God hear my prayers? When did life get so complicated? Life was so much easier when SirPhantom was around. I never really knew how much effort he put into keeping me safe. I probably never will. He understood me better than most people. He was a father and an older brother all rolled into one. Now everyone pretty much has gone away. The garden is pretty much empty, though I will never give up on it or leave it.

I wonder if I will ever feel loved and safe. I hear Doms ask me what it is I am looking for and I find I don't know what to tell them. I know I want to feel safe and loved and to be able to trust them completely. I know I want to know they will never leave me no matter how hard I push them away. I know I want to feel like I can hand them over complete control and know everything will be okay. I know I want to stop and smell the roses.

I never asked for what happened to me to happen. I did nothing to deserve it. It is not my fault that I wasn't strong enough to let it wash right over me and keep on going. I wish I was. I don't like letting people down. I want their approval and love. The fact is I am what I am. There has to be someone out there who will love me for me. Someone that will accept my love. I just don't know what to do till I find Him. I keep praying and hoping that today will be the day that I find Him, but so far I haven't found Him. Anyone that will accept my love anyway. I wonder sometimes where this great capacity to love comes from. It is so hard to face the world all by myself. I have done it for so long. Guess that is what comes from growing up. Wish I hadn't done it as fast as I did.

Say a prayer for me, that the right one comes around.