Colonel Blitzenburger : Our Future Leader

Blitzie's Upbringing

Swampsville, on the very edge of the Hokeekanokee Everglades ...
Its most famous son, Colonel Horace J Blitzenburger (of the Tuxedo Ninth Cavalry). The good Colonel's rocky, no-nonsense character owes much to the hardy upbringing the locale offered (and still does). The popular local pastime of alligator-wrestling does wonders in toughening up the softest of men (if it doesn't they're not complaining).

Many was the evening the youthful Horace would wrastle a mean gator, his family and friends cheering him on, and never did one best him. In latter years, sadly, the decline of the gator population and the demands of conservation compelled the folks of the township to desist from this worthy sport. But Horace's talents have since been engaged against still greater foes. ...

Blitzie Versus the Reds

Colonel Blitzenburger has long been a dedicated opponent of the international communist menace and recognizes that, albeit in different forms, the threat is as real today as during the old Cold War. He remains ever-ready to confront it with an unwavering resolution of steel.

"McCarthy did a great job in his time", he says. "But don't tell me we ain't still riddled with Red agents. Only the other day I ate in a college restaurant where the staff were all commie waiters. And the brass of it was they still expected capitalist gratuities! I gave them a tip. 'Better not be around the next time I eat here, or you'll be seeing red, comrades!'"

The Colonel recognizes that the so-called "collapse of communism" was a Red trick to deceive and disarm the West. The Colonel and his like-minded colleagues constantly warned of this throughout the Clinton administration, but were ridiculed or ignored. At the risk of his own reputation, he exposed the Soviets' plan. Firstly they trained "that Al Kayeeda faggot" to wreak devastation, on what would be an unprepared Free World, in the name of Araby and Islam. At the same time they prepared "democratic" front-men to replace themselves in Russia. Elite units of the Red Army were placed in suspended animation in caverns beneath the Ural Mountains, ready to emerge and spread Soviet power across the face of the globe once their "Kayeeda" protégé had wrought his destruction.

"It's a scheme so audacious that only a madman could have thought it up", says the Colonel.

Blitzie Versus his Commander-in-Chief

The Colonel is not reknowned for a cordial relationship with his supreme commander, Wilf Dorkins, the mild-mannered, liberal no-star general of the Mojave Southern Command. ...

Blitzie's Famous Ancestors

On the walls of the Colonel's ancestral cabin hang the portraits of his renowned ancestors.

In pride of place is Blitzie's British grandfather, Sir Jeffrey Light-Cavalry, Lieutenant Colonel in the Barsetshire Hussars. Sir Jeffrey was famed in his day for fighting the fuzzie-wuzzies in the Boer War, and later for his campaign against the Boxers in the Sudan. ...