The character of Morpheus, along with the occurrences in this piece of fiction are the sole products of my hormone-saturated brain.

Warnings :

(1) This piece was a feeble excuse to string together a series of very enjoyable lustful thoughts I had while pondering the subtextual nature of "Xena: Warrior Princess". Since these involved our heroines lusting after each other (not to mention a little Godly lust on the side) it may offend the sensiblities of some of the show's fans. If you are one of those, go borrow Argo's blinkers and try the S&M section.
(2) There is no plot in this opus. If you think you can detect one, you should consult a therapist immediately.

TICKLING TROUT

by Cyclops

The heat wave had lasted three days. Every single day since they had left Corinth had been pure misery. It was too hot to ride Argo together, so Gabrielle had trudged along in the heat and dust of the road. Sometimes Xena had kept her company, other times she had been astride her golden warhorse, lost in her own thoughts while the bard was wrapped up in hers.
Gabrielle was alarmed at the turn her thoughts had been taking these last few months. After her brief ill-fated marriage to Perdicas, she had gone off men. During their recent sojourn with the Amazons, she had been pleased that her Amazon sisters had finally lost their fear and distrust of her best friend. She had also begun to notice the affectionate couples among them at last. This went beyond sisterly affection - at least as she and Lila defined it - and then, in her study of the Amazon laws, she found the tribe's rite of marriage.
From there it was a short step to picking up on the admiring glances directed at Xena. Nothing she had ever experienced before prepared her for the tidal wave of jealousy that swept through her when she realised just how many of them might be dreaming - just as she was - about a night of physical passion with the former warlord and destroyer of nations. The object of their fantasies remained gloriously oblivious to their sighs.
The week in Corinth had crowned her confusion. The busy port was packed and their lodgings had been unsavoury to say the least. She had come back from an afternoon's solo shopping to find Xena engrossed in conversation with a flashily dressed stranger who had a rather obvious strong weakness for henna. The woman had her hand as far up the warrior's skirt as Gabrielle had only attempted in her dreams to date.
She had stumbled over a stool in her surprise - though in honesty, shock would be a better word for what she felt - for Xena was completely at ease and clearly welcomed the errant hand. In fact just as Gabrielle took her nosedive towards the floor, she saw her best friend tucking some dinars into the woman's cleavage.
When Xena had picked her up and anxiously dusted her off, she had pretended not to have seen anything. The floozy had melted into thin air, and the warrior had been over-indulgent to her for the rest of the evening. They had slept in their separate flea-ridden beds - at least Xena had, judging by the snores the bard had heard. She had tossed and turned restlessly most of the night, wondering miserably if this was the only time during their travels together that Xena had done this. They left the port the next day after breakfast.
There had been nothing but arguments since they left Corinth, for the heat had frayed Gabrielle's normally even temper. Xena's temper was on a short fuse at the best of times, and her relaxed mood after her torrid afternoon had dissipated rapidly in the heat of their first day back on the road. Today, they had travelled in simmering silence since an early breakfast, two hours ago.
Gabrielle stole a sideways glance at Xena and Argo, and regretted it. From this angle all she could see was the little scar just above her knee, that powerful thigh revealed almost to hip level by the parted straps of the kilted leather skirt. Looking up was even less help. The spectacular bronze-encased cleavage looked even more spectacular from below. She dropped her eyes to the dust of the road quickly so as not to be caught gaping. "I know just the tonic we need!"
Startled, Gabrielle looked up into a beaming face. She was not used to Xena solving morale problems - that was her area of expertise.
"Fishing!"
It was almost worth hearing her utter the loathsome word to see the dazzling smile it brought to the warrior's face. Gabrielle's heart stopped pounding and her knees stopped wobbling from the effects of this smile very quickly at the prospect of a day being bored to death by Xena's passion for fishing. "Really? Fishing is what I need?" she asked sarcastically.
"Yeah! Peace, quiet, a babbling brook or a lovely lake with a cooling breeze. Fresh fish for lunch. How 'bout it Gabrielle?"

For the taciturn Thracian, this was a poetic rhapsody. In different circumstances, the bard might have been enthralled. She was hot, she was bothered - she was exasperated.
"Fresh fish?! Xena, in case you hadn't noticed I had fresh fish for breakfast, for lunch and for dinner every day while we were in Corinth! So had you. I don't care if I never see a fresh fish again in my life!!" She stumped on furiously, leaving Xena stopped dead in the road on Argo's back with her mouth in a round O of surprise. The mare's tackle jingled as Xena urged her to catch up on the bard, and Gabrielle started to fan herself at the hot flush that swamped her as she imagined those muscular thighs squeezing the horse's belly.
"You didn't get much time to write in Corinth did you?"
The warrior asked the question so quietly in so a low tone that the bard nearly jumped out of her skin. It was her turn to stop.
"No I didn't really," she admitted, struggling to keep the tears at bay. All she had whirling round her head was passionate love poetry and there had been no privacy to indulge herself with it, to work out what she really needed to say and how to say it so no-one would suspect it was all about Xena. Now here was Xena - supposedly a tough and insensitive warrior - noticing the distress that this had caused her and reading her as easily as she read one of her own scrolls.
"You could sit and write while I fish. I don't like to talk much when I fish, you know that. You can write away and ignore the fishing and you know I won't disturb you."
"NO! I mean no thanks, Xena. I really don't want to see fish again for a very long time."
"Okay I get the message! No fish. I was only trying to help."
"Thanks," mumbled Gabrielle and resumed walking.
The silence stretched tensely, and the bard's pace slowed. Xena, on the alert for trouble as always, maintained Argo's steady pace, scanning methodically for advance warning, and so drew ahead of her young friend. She at last decided that the day was too hot for troublemakers, and if she didn't get to do something - like fishing - she'd go crazy.
She hadn't planned on using the tavern's services, it was much too risky with Gabrielle around, so she had ignored the wares on offer in the low-key brothel that had been their lodging. Then on the last afternoon there, a woman wandered in - she wasn't a regular - and started eyeing her up, invoking Xena's irritation until the warrior recognised her. The woman had fought with her army some years back, until she went the way of most of her kind - pregnant by some hoplite or other. Xena succumbed to a sudden urge to take her for old times' sake - they had worked their battle lust off together on more than one occasion.
Somewhere in the back of her mind she tried to fool herself that it would ease the tension of her non-situation with Gabrielle. How wrong can you be? She was more aware of the bard than ever - wanted her more than ever. Her old flame's hennaed hair had seemed to turn golden red, and Xena had barely been able to stop herself calling out Gabrielle's name as she came. Her regular way of dealing with the frustration of having the love of her life within arm's reach and immune to her charms was best after all, she decided. Just go off `hunting' or `fishing' and do-it-yourself.
That was it!
She had reined Argo in and jumped to the ground, before she realised that Gabrielle had fallen behind. She turned round and watched the younger woman trudging miserably along, kicking up the dust, her eyes glued to the road. "Got it!"
The bard looked up, her shoulders drooping, and glared at the warrior.
"Xena, if this involves more fishing I really don't want to know!"
"No fishing! Not for you anyway. There's a lake near by.."
"For Zeus's sake Xena!"
"Wait a minute!" begged Xena, grabbing the bard's arm as she stormed past her, muttering under her breath. "Hear me out, please?"
With a nod that indicated that the idea had better be good, or else, Gabrielle assented.
"There's a lovely clearing on the way to it. Lots of shade and a nice cool stream. I'll leave you there and you can spend the rest of the day in peace and quiet writing or whatever you want to do, and I'll go on to the lake and fish. Time out for the both of us - how about it?"
Xena's eyebrow rose in a question mark and Gabrielle almost laughed out loud. This woman had led victorious armies into battle, and here she was apprehensive about suggesting the two of them spend a day apart. The laugh turned into a grin.
"Sounds good. But no fish for dinner, okay?"
"Promise! I'll bag us a rabbit or two before I come back for you."
Xena jerked her head in Argo's direction. "Up, you could do with a break from the dust."
Gabrielle looked down at her dusty boots and had to agree. Xena boosted her onto the mare's back and led them off the road onto a forest path. The silence was less tense and more companionable now, and in no time they reached the little clearing Xena had in mind.
"If you need to find me just follow the stream that way, it feeds the lake. I don't think we'll be disturbed today, but just in case."
Gabrielle nodded and took the food bag Xena handed her down from Argo's back. "No fish in there, I promise!" she said, with a wry one-sided grin The bard could only grin back idiotically in reply. Her heart had started leaping into her throat whenever Xena grinned like that months ago, and this time was no exception. She watched the leather-clad figure until it was obscured completely by the trees, then with a heavy sigh, put the food bag into the shade and set down her bag of scrolls and writing materials.
After a refreshing splash and cooling drink at the stream, she felt revitalised and ready to tackle the poems in her head. She picked a nice, large rock and settled down, taking out all the parchment scraps she had jotted lines and ideas on, a quill, ink and a fresh scroll. She was pleased to rediscover some lines that had slipped her memory, and aghast at the number that had been running round robins in her head.
She worked steadily for a couple of hours, her frustration growing. No matter how she tried, the object of desire in the poem was no generalised ideal man. It was clearly a woman. It only took a little careful consideration to figure out that tall, dark and dangerous could mean only one woman - Xena. She sat back against her rocky cushion with a heavy sigh, and tickled her face with her quill to aid inspiration.
Gods above, how she wished she had that scroll of poetry her father had trashed on her when he found it in her room. She had been fourteen or so at the time, and she had loved those poems. The author loved her girlfriends as much Gabrielle did, for at that stage she had found boys her own age repulsive rather than fascinating, unlike Lila. He had banished her to her room, but she had watched from the window as he burnt it, muttering about perverts under his breath.
A couple of months later, Herodotus had betrothed her to the pimply Perdicas, who had something that resembled a hairy caterpillar crawling across his upper lip, and whose voice alternated in pitch from a third above Gabrielle's to a fifth below with alarming rapidity. She cried herself to sleep the night of her betrothal party, and every night for a month after, so the wedding was deferred until she felt ready for it.
How she longed for Sappho's scroll to study how she had expressed her feelings.... Sweet Calliope! Some of the verses were coming back to her! She grabbed her trusty, inspiring quill and scribbled furiously as she recalled each fragment (#1). When she had finished, she sat back and read them slowly, savouring the rhythm of the lines, the imagery.... Zeus! It had gone over her head completely at fourteen. Sappho had loved her friends as she wanted to love Xena.
She groaned as her stomach reminded her it was too long since she had paid any atention to it, so she reached for the food bag. She knew she would not be able to concentrate if her belly kept interrupting her train of thought. As she munched her way through some bread and cheese, stopping to note down any more of Sappho's verses that occurred to her, she wondered how Xena was doing, cooking her catches. Torched trout. Incinerated perch. Cremated bream. Funeral pyre of pike. The possibilities were endless.

By the time she reached the lakeshore, Xena was grinning broadly.
"Isn't this great girl! Let's relax!"
She slid off Argo's back and in minutes had the mare free of her saddle and bridle. She gave her a slap on the rump and sent her off to forage for herself. There was nothing poisonous to a horse in any direction as far as her keen eye could see, and her faithful steed deserved a break as much as the people she served.
She lifted an arm, sniffed critically and pulled a face. She shed her armour in record time, her boots and leathers were almost as fast to hit the ground, and then she ran for the lake in her shift, figuring that she could kill two birds with one stone and give it a wash along with her stinking body.
She splashed about happily until she felt refreshed, then waded quickly to the shore to organise the serious business of the day - fishing. She spotted the perfect sapling for a pole and with a speed and ease born of practice, she had her line and reel attached to it, whistling tunelessly (#2) as she worked.
Bait.
She frowned as she looked around. The ground was baked hard. The flies had more sense than she had and were staying well away from the lakeside in this stifling heat.
"Mad dogs and Amphipolitans - the only ones who go out in the noonday sun," she muttered under her breath.
She rummaged in the leather pouch she kept her hooks in and extracted some small parchment packets. The first had some dark hair in it - her own. Trimmings from their last haircutting session. She dived on the next one which contained - the Golden Fleece.
Xena wiped a sudden dew of sweat from her forehead with the back of a shaky hands as she recalled how Gabrielle had nearly given her a heart attack the day of the haircuts. She had enjoyed every second she spent fondling the bard's silky tresses, her hands brushing off the silky skin at the nape of her neck as she trimmed the ends.
"That's the Golden Fleece all neat and tidy again," Gabrielle cooed, as she brushed it vigorously to get the last of the clippings out of it. Xena's mouth went dry.
"What!???!" was all she could manage to croak.
"Well, it is pretty golden, and there is a lot of it. I do like to keep it well groomed. I kind of think it's one of my better features," she finished coyly.
Relief had flooded Xena, and her wits came back to life. "Oh yeah, sure. Just be glad that Jason and the Argonauts found what they were looking for or you could be in big trouble."
Xena thought of Gabrielle's hair as a majestic, leonine mane. Wool was curly, not straight. Short not long. The Golden Fleece was how she thought of the remainder of the bard's hair in her own mind. Panic over, her secret was safe.

She fingered the silky strands, so golden on this bright sunny day, wishing they were lots longer and still attached to the head they had grown on, so she could run her fingers through them as she pulled her in closer for a kiss.
"Hades!" she swore as she stabbed her finger on a hook. "Get your mind out of that rut, warrior! Go fish!" she berated herself out loud, then attaching her fly to the line, she loped off to the water's edge.
She managed to concentrate for a half hour or so. The fish seemed reluctant to bite, probably because like herself, they weren't hungry in this heat, she thought ruefully. How does Gabrielle do it? She can still tuck away vast quantities of food in this weather.
Unbidden, a delightful picture formed in her mind of the bard at their last meal in the Amazon village. Sauce-coated fingers, sauce dribbling stickily down her chin - there was even a smudge of sauce on her nose. Xena didn't have to restrain herself in her fantasy as she'd had to in reality that day. She reached across the table and picked up both hands by the wrist, then slowly and lovingly licked and sucked each bardic digit clean.
Still holding her hands, she pulled Gabrielle out of her seat, leaned across the table and was just about to start cleaning her mouth, when the line jerked in her hands and she snapped out of her dream. She was too late. And it had been a big one.
"Hera's tits!"
The moment this old barrack room curse passed her lips she regretted it. Their first swim of the year together this spring - Xena swam all year round, the bard usually wimped out a few weeks after the end of summer. It had been a beautiful sunny day and the suggestion had come from Gabrielle herself. Xena had agreed, and hiding her amusement, stripped off and was first in the water. She liked it cold. She was waiting, lazily treading water when Gabrielle surfaced, her eyes clamped tightly shut, her teeth chattering, and her nipples....
Being of a military turn of mind the term 'standing to attention' sprang to Xena's lips, but how to describe the pert breasts they crowned? All that staff swinging in combat and in practice had toned her upper body to perfection. Presenting arms? Xena recollected herself before she was discovered staring hungrily at the bard's breasts and submerged herself again to cool her overheating imagination.
Submersion seemed like a good thing to do again now, and wedging her fishing pole in position carefully between some rocks, she raced out into the lake. A few minutes later, as bubbles reached the surface, there was an audience at the lakeside. Clad - well, her salient points were covered at least - in pale pink and pressing a perfectly manicured hand to her forehead, the Goddess of Love groaned aloud.
Fishing pole.
Dark brown leather battledress.
Bronze armour.
A horse whinnied.
Aphrodite turned and saw Argo kicking up her heels in delight at her freedom.
"Oh groady!" she wailed. "I should have known it was Xena. That woman makes everything in life so...so... grrrr!"
Words escaped the Goddess of Pinkness and Coolness. They were Calliope's department, and since Aphrodite never let anyone unqualified mess with her area of expertise, she always steered clear of the Muse's. This strategy usually worked fine, until she came up against a stumper like the Warrior Princess.
The source of her headache was the former warlord's unrequited love. Aphrodite searched her memory for the last time Xena had been in love - truly in love that is, rather than a working off of sexual tension with the nearest volunteer available. The answer to the latter question was easy to find - three days ago in Corinth and what a romp!
There had been many more of those over the years - with her half-brother Hercules for instance. 'Dite would never disillusion him, but Xena had been so scared that they would not be able to overcome Darphus that she'd have humped a tree that day.
True love, true love, who had been a true love?
Julius Caesar!?
"Great taste in men Warrior babe!"
Lao Ma.
She frowned, that fool didn't know when she had it good. As Xena broke surface, the goddess made herself invisible. Even so, the warrior scanned suspiciously as she picked up her pole again. Her senses were truly eerie at times. In a few minutes she had settled down and Aphrodite probed gently. Her eyes flew wide open.
"Du-uuh! I might have guessed! How else could that that cute little kid keep her out of trouble!" With an exasperated sigh at herself for failing to take Xena's penchant for falling in love - and having sex, though clearly not with Gabrielle - with women into account, the Goddess of Love zapped off to find the Warrior Princess' Love and Lust Object.
This was going to be a toughie.
She decided to call in some backup.

Part Two

"Mooooom! I'm kinda busy right now, with the baby an' all!" "Really Cupie, that is so un-cool for a God! What's Psyche doing? Can't she find baby sitters?" Aphrodite's nose wrinkled in disgust at her son's burgeoning, ungodly domesticity.
"By all that's high and holy on Olympus Mom, you musta had the same problem with me!"
"You had plenty of doting uncles and aunts" she sniffed loudly."Not my fault you married a mortal and halved your babysitter pool! Now enough about babies already! I have a killer headache from this without you adding to it. Help me out on this one - please?"
Scowling, he nodded, and with an excited squeal, his mother clicked her fingers and took them to the root source of her problem. They popped into a clearing with a chuckling stream running through it.
"Mom, this is the middle of nowhere! Where are these hot lovers that are giving you the headache?" He lifted off the ground a little, and flapping his wings, made a lazy circle. "Aw, for crying out loud, Mom, there's only one person here, and she's asleep! Since when can't you handle erotic dreams?"
Aphrodite folded her arms, pursed her lips and started to tap her foot ominously. "I'm copacetic with those kind of dreams! These two haven't got together yet, *that's* why I've got a headache! I'm constantly buffeted by the waves of lust off of them".
"Zeus! Not her!" he said in a peeved tone, as he took a closer look at the somnolent woman and realised that he recognised her.
"You know her?" Aphrodite's surprise was genuine. Gabrielle had only come to her attention recently. Despite her marriage to some bumpkin from her home town, her thoughts and dreams had only begun to get truly worthy of the Love Goddess' notice a few months after she had been widowed. The fact that the girl's wedding night had made no impression at all on Aphrodite meant the bard had probably been saved from a lifetime of complete boredom by her husband's early demise.
"Yeah. I've found her so many cute guys - I mean, like total babes - and a few days later they get wasted. Every time, I kid you not! Besides, there's no-one else around for miles."
Aphrodite's eyes narrowed. "There is a true love for her, sonny boy! And not so far away if you'd bother to open your eyes."
Cupid glared at her, then with a quick flick of his wings rose high into the air and circled.
"Well?"
"Mom, the only person near enough is Xena - that other famous hopeless case. I've worn my flight feathers out more than once trying to fix those two up with guys! What do you suggest I do now? Satyrs? Centaurs?" "Du-uuh!"

(Aphrodite's frustration cannot be adequately conveyed on paper, but if you make this sound aloud for a duration of ten seconds, you'll get as close as is humanly possible to imagine the verbal expression of a God's frustration) "Granted Xena has a thing for that horse of hers, but what about her little friend? Something cute? A bunny perhaps?" he asked sarcastically.
Imagine a growl - a very long one. Now extend it by a minute. That was Aphrodite's reply. (This bard can't do growls, or for that matter, Xena's war cry, so be prepared to fill in some blanks that may occur from time to time in this story yourself)
"I sent you to Mytilene last week to get Sappho out of my hair!" she raged.
"Ya-aah!" He shifted from foot to foot to foot uncomfortably.
"So-oo? And how did that go?"
"I found this really hunky guy for her, he was the hottest thing on all of Lesbos, I swear! But what do I know ? She gave him the cold shoulder." He shrugged.
The Goddess' facial colouring now matched her clothing - a deep blushing pink.
"*Sappho* is the hottest thing on Lesbos! She prefers to be with women, you bird-brain!!"
"Mom, there's only so much girl talk a girl can take - no offence - after a while, you're gonna need a man. For some things."
"Stupid Cupid! Sappho prefers to *make love* with women!!!"
Cupid's bloodshot eyes flew open, and his mouth seemed to form a word which looked remarkably like "how" to Her Pinkness. His brain was clearly begining to wake up at last, for he figured out the 'how' before he had time to utter the word. His mouth altered shape, and the pained sound that issued from it was :
"Why?!!?"
"Why *not*? These two will make a perfect couple," she cooed, her soppy romantic smile spreading across her face just as it had on the day of Orpheus and Eurydice's wedding.
"You're kidding, right?" Cupid looked as if something right under his nose smelt bad.
"Like, if I don't know these things, who would? Not you, for sure!" "Her and...Xena? Are you absolutely sure?"

"Puh-lease! Neither of them know how the other feels and both are so totally not cool about it. That heat is what's giving me my headache! If they'd just get down to it and keep it between them, I'd be fine! I'm going to try to get them do that with some help - probably not a lot of that will be from you! Now enough talk already, let's do it! "
Aphrodite grabbed his hand, and as they walked towards the sleeping form of Gabrielle, the air on the rock above her shimmered and a small, dark-haired, dark-skinned man, sitting cross-legged, materialised on it.
"Hi Morph! Good of you to come and help out!"
"For you, 'Dite dear, anytime! We always make a great team of deamspinners. What's the problem here?"
He inclined his curly head and inspected the lovely young woman sleeping contentedly below him, a smile gently curving her eminently kissable lips.
"Hey! No problemo! She's happy," he grinned at his favourite collaborator, his coal-black eyes sparkling with delight at what he'd seen in the girl's dream. "You're sending her some good ones, so why do you need me? What gives, Your Coolness?"
Aphrodite chuckled. She loved the silly titles the God of Dreams bestowed on her! "I'm not sending Morph, that's all her own work."
"Wow! Keen imagination!" The corners of his grin threatened to meet at the back of his neck. He tucked his legs under himself and executed a high somersault off the rock that Xena might have rated as 'not bad'. "A-ha!" he exclaimed as he landed at Aphrodite's feet. "That tall dark'n'dangerous babe she has the hots for is just down by the lake. What say we get out of here and let them get on with it?"
He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at her as he drew himself up to his inconsiderable height. This put the Goddess of Love's cleavage at the same level as his cute little nose.
"And go have some fun ourselves?" he purred, comtemplating the two major benefits of being vertically challenged around Her Pinkness. Just as long as she kept wearing those high-heeled sandals, he thought, cheerfully. "Love to! But for this headache," she purred back. "The problem is, that dream's *all* that's happening between them."

"Ah! Hence the headache. But - and please forgive me if I'm missing something here - this dream is really rather sweet and innocent. Hardly enough to give you a twinge 'Dite dear!"
It was Aphrodite's turn to wiggle her eyebrows.
"Most of it's coming from tall dark'n'dangerous - aka Xena..." The dusky little God went pale. He hadn't recognised her from this distance. She was one of his most labour-intensive customers.

Heavy duty gorefest nightmares.
Agonising guilt trips.
Sweat-drenched reliving of old battle wounds - that crucifixion one was a real doozy, and she did tend to harp on it.
The uneven struggle to keep the lid on the emotional wounds was the worst to manage, especially after she had met her little boy and found out he liked her for herself.
He had orchestrated them all for Xena since she had begun her painful crawl away from the dark forces she had embraced in her restless travels. She would have to sort through them all to resolve them. Morpheus' purpose in sending people such vivid dreams was that they wouldn't ignore or forget their experiences.
"You shouldn't be getting those," he croaked. "I'm so sorry, my sweet! She's a real tough customer, she's been round the Acroplis once or twice, I tell ya! She must be kicking back against me and sending her dreams in all directions, and you just happen to be in the way!"
Dite frowned, she had no idea what the Dream God was referring to - she never probed that area of Xena's psyche. The Warrior Babe's love life was complicated enough for the Queen of Cool.
"Oh they're my kind of dreams all right, Morph! Xena has the hots for bardie girl here, but won't or can't admit it to her cute little sweetheart! She's having enough waking fantasies about her bard to power a week-long orgy on the astral plane. So here's the deal. I was thinking, you could get them into a shared dreamscape - my kind of dreamscape, I mean, none of that spooky stuff you do, mind - so they'll be able to figure it out, start making out, and get out of my hair!"
"So why am I hanging here? What do you need me for?" whined Cupid. "The dreams have to stay erotic, bird-brain!" snapped Morpheus. "You can't expect your mother to keep zapping between two places and take care of it all with the headache she has, do you!?"
Cupid scowled.
"Baby, go check on Xena for me, will you? See if she's still having those waking dreams, and we'll be over as soon as we can," she wheedled the winged God.
"Just check on her?" Cupid's nose wrinkled at the thought of having to tinker about in Xena's mind.
"A-ha. And if she's getting stuck on those damn fish, get her mind back on blondie here!" ordered Morpheus with the air of a general planning a campaign.
With a snort, Cupid vanished from sight.
"Morph, are you colour blind? *She's* a redhead! *I'm* blonde!"

"Aplogies Your Coolness! I have been dazzled by your charms!" he murmured, and bowed his head in aplogy, which put him in the perfect position to plant a kiss on her two most prominent charms.
Aphrodite smiled wryly. "Let's get busy Morph, before this headache floors me, and I'm no use to anyone."
They went and knelt down beside the sleeping bard and quietly sifted the young woman's mind for clues for what might make a suitable dreamscape. She had to get Xena's attention. What was Xena most obsessed with - besides the bard?
"Fishing?!" exclaimed Morpheus.
Aphrodite shrugged and pulled a disgusted face. She was as mystified by Xena's devotion to the pastime as Gabrielle, and she ranted at length about it to Morpheus. Fishing poles, miles of string, hooks, collecting all sorts of rubbish to tie to the hooks to make them look like flies - as if! "All of this when she can just dive in and punch them in the face, or - get this, this is the best bit! She lies down on a rock or an overhanging bank and puts her arm in the water. Then she waits until a fish swims up, tickles it under its chin..."
"Do fish have chins?" asked Morpheus idly, enchanted with the beauty of the Goddess' flushed face as she spewed venom about Xena's boring hobby. "Who cares! Except Xena. Well, she tickles away until they get all relaxed and dopey, then she slips her fingers into their gills and hooks 'em out of the water! Can you believe it !!!???"
Morpheus bit the insides of his cheeks. Being tickled by, and having Xena's fingers slip inside somewhere sounded exactly like something Gabrielle would like the warrior to do to her. In fact, the girl was dreaming of just such an occurrence, even as they were speaking. He swallowed his laughter, for an idea was forming in his mind.
"Where do the fish usually land?"
"Huh?"
"Like, always on the ground, or does she ever get in their way as they land, and they hit her?"
"Hit her? Nah, she's totally *so* co-ordinated, Morph!" "What if the fish had a mind of its own and *wanted* to land on Xena?" he speculated looking down at the bard and back up at Aphrodite, a lascivious smile starting to smear across his handsome features.
The Goddess of Love frowned, unsure of where he was going with this at first, and just as realisation dawned, and she was about to squeal with delight at the brilliance of his plan, an agitated beating of wings told them Cupid had returned.
"Mom! I can't do this, I really can't!" he wailed.
Both Gods rolled their eyes to the heavens.
"Is she still steaming about the bard?" asked Morpheus, his slanted eyebrows rising.
Cupid grimaced. "I...I guess so."
"You guess so? She's not asleep, I'd know if she was asleep - it's the only time I get a break from the constant throbbing! The headache's as bad - no - worse than ever. Didn't you check? You can do that when she's awake too you know!" snapped Aphrodite.
Cupid's facial acrobatics were a sight to behold. "I...I'm pretty sure without poking around that mind of hers. Look, let me take care of Gabrielle. It'll take the both of you to handle Xena."

Frowning, Aphrodite and Morpheus exchanged glances and private thoughts on the squeamishness of her son. The God of Dreams took a fond look at the bard. Her inky fingers were still curled around her quill, scraps of parchment with lines of her own verses and Sappho's littered the ground beside her, and crumbs from her snack were scattered on her top. She was so sweet, her mouth slightly open, her face flushed with sleep and her tender dream of love. It was all so new for her, he wished he could stay with her and watch her love blossom - he so seldom saw that these days, when every mortal knew it all before they developed acne.

With a nod, he and Aphrodite winked out of existence.
Cupid heaved a sigh of relief at their departure, and probed Gabrielle's mind gently to discover nothing more torrid than a few tentative kisses with Xena. He beamed.
This he could handle!
"Don't chicken out later, bow-boy!" came his mother's disembodied voice. "Don't let that innocent exterior fool ya, she'll be a little tiger when the right person gets her going!"
"Damn! How does she do that?!"
"It's a mother thing, babe!" Aphrodite's laughter chimed in the distance and faded away.
"And I thought it was a God thing," he grumbled, settling down to wait for further instruction.

Morpheus stood looking out over the lake, wondering if Xena had abandoned her fishing pole for punching or tickling, straining his ever-so-slightly pointed ears for sound of her. A second later Aphrodite arrived at his side. "You mean he never contemplated two women in love expressing it physically?" he was able to continue their silent conversation out loud now. "You got it!"
"Bummer! No wonder Sappho's love-life has been so non-existent recently. But tell me, Your Coolness, how come you didn't set him straight about that? He knows about the guy thing doesn't he?"
Aphrodite shrieked with laughter. While her verbal skills were, as already mentioned, limited, she did enjoy puns.
"What? What'd I say now?"
"You're such a gas! How could I be straight about that?!!!"
Morpheus groaned. "Oh yeah, I get it now," he muttered.

Wiping her eyes she put a hand on his arm.
"He was so, like, uptight about the puberty thing he wouldn't discuss it with me. Pops is not exactly the best role model, besides which he can't hardly believe his little girl has a grown-up son - it makes him feel so old and not sexy. So I asked Herc to talk to him about the birds and the bees."
Morpheus grinned. "Ah, I see! That explains why he'd know about the guy thing(#3) but not the Sappho stuff! Now, where's Xena? I thought he said she was here at the lakeside?"

Aphrodite nodded and frowned in concentration. "She's wide awake still. Doesn't she ever need to take a siesta? Oh! Oooooh!" "What is it? You know where she is?"
"Ooooooooh yeaaaaaah!" sighed Dite on a very long exhale and she grabbed Morph's hand. "*Come* with me!" she giggled, and they zapped in to a nearby thicket, remaining invisible and inaudible as they arrived. It wouldn't have made a bit of difference if they had arrived with a troupe of Dionysians, Xena wouldn't have noticed them or heard them.
"Oh Goooooooooods! Gaaaaaaabriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeelle!"
Her cry split the air as she slid limply down the tree trunk she had been leaning against, her hand still between her legs.
Two of the Gods had heard her cry and had come to help. They exchanged what can only be described as jammy grins before they got down to business.
"He couldn't hack this!?"
"Do the sleep thing Morph!"
"For you doll, anything!" he grinned. His eyes changed as he approached Xena, who, worn out from the constant battle with her feelings for Gabrielle, was beginning to drift off anyway. From their dark depths came flecks of light, like a small Milky Way of stars in his night-sky eyes. He gazed intently into Xena's day-sky ones, her long black lashes already beginning to droop closed on them, and drew her mind, spirit and heart into the dreamscape he had devised.
"This world will be real for you, until you tell your true love what's really in your heart!" he whispered into her ear.
"Speak truly to her and you will come back to your own world safe and loved," murmured Aphrodite in her other ear.
The conspiring Gods stood up and surveyed their handiwork with satisfaction.
"Now to reel Gabrielle in and we can start!" said Morpheus, and he zapped away to find the bard. "Back in a tick!" his disembodied voice drifted back on the hot noonday air.

Her sticky fingers told her she should have been more relaxed than she felt. Hades! It usually eased the tension for a few hours, and here she was after....
(She screwed her eyes up as she checked the sun's position) ...a fifteen minute nap feeling just as horny as before! More calculations.

Nope, nowhere near midcycle, she concluded, when the frustration was always at a peak. Her special brew tea only helped with her violent mood swings, not her lust for the bard. Nothing for it, she decided, as she made her way back to the lake and dived in again. The water was warm. Damn!
She kicked out strongly and dived almost to the limit of her lungs, when she saw the enormous black pike. It hadn't seen her. It was quite a tussle, but at last with a gurgling yell, she manged to ram her fist down its throat and let herself rise to the surface, clutching it to her chest. When she got it to the shore it was the biggest pike she had ever seen, and she let out a yell of triumph.
(Insert war cry - 5 seconds duration)
It reverberated over the surface of the lake, even penetrating the waters below. A small trout which was having difficulty swimming heard it, recognised it and opened its mouth to call for the author of this startling sound. The timid little fish quickly shut its mouth as it filled with water and tried to hold its breath. As it did it began to rotate slowly around the axis of its silvery body.
"Oh, Gods, I'm feeling seasick!"
This time, our friend the trout opened its mouth and spoke the words into the water. It was surprised when it closed its mouth that the sensation of suffocation wasn't stronger, because it really had taken a good quantity of water on board. The slow revolve continued and it began to feel like a roast on a spit. The seasick feeling was beginning to ebb away, which didn't seem to surprise our piscine friend, because it was under, rather than on the surface of the lake.
A new problem came into view. It was by far the strangest fish it had ever seen, and it had seen so many fish recently that it didn't think it was possible for it ever to see a new species. It was Pink. It was Totally Pink. Its dorsal and ventral fins and its tail were long and trailing like diaphanous veils. Even in its rotating state, the trout could see that the Pink Veiled One was moving them very gracefully.
"Gabrielle, you seem to be having a little difficulty swimming," said Pink Veil.
"Oh no, I know how to swim just fine thank you, Xena taught me," said the little trout.
"Not when you were in this form dear," said Pink Veil kindly. "You've taken on the form of a... trout."
"A...trout? A...*FISH*! Just who are you? Some meddling God trying to drive Xena crazy! Ares?!!"
"Oh! So...*not*! Do you see any basic black here?"
"No, just pink. Let me think...... Aphrodite!"
"Yes! Now dear, about the swimming thing..."
"I'm listening!" snapped Gabrielle. If she'd had teeth she'd have been grinding them but since she was a trout, teeth were a little academic just now.
"Just lift your arms....er..fins up and down slowly like this if you want to stay in one place."
The bard did as she was told, seething at the arrogance of the Gods who could turn her into a fish on a whim to annoy Xena. Oh Gods, would she ever see her beloved warrior again other than at the opposite end of a fishing line?
"Hmmm, better!" said Pink Veil ...ooops! Aphrodite.
And indeed it was. The rotation had stopped, but Gabrielle was now treading water upside down with respect to both the surface of the lake and her godly tormentress.
"Ooooh-kay, now how do you feel?"
"How do I feel? I feel like a fish is how I feel! Just wait till Xena finds out..."
"Of course you feel like a fish - you are one! I mean do how you feel - right way up or upside down?"
Gabrielle thought about this for a moment, and used her fishy senses. "Oh! I see what you mean! Upside down! How do I get out of this?"
"Stop beating your arm...er fin on one side, keep beating with the other until you feel right side up and then go back to beating with both."
"No, I meant how do I get out of being a fish?" she gurgled.
"Later babe, get the hang of the fish thing first, then we can go help Xena."
"Is she in trouble?" grunted Gabrielle as she slowly righted herself.
"Kinda. Her love life is a bit chaotic at the moment and this is how we're going to sort it out. Oh, verrry good!" cooed Aphrodite admiringly, as the bard faced her, right way up at last.
"You turned me into a fish to sort out Xena's lovelife!!??" she fumed. (Fuming is a difficult feat to accomplish underwater, but then the bard is very talented).
"She loves to fish!"
There was a very bright flash, and all of a sudden Pink Veil was gone. In her place was a beautiful mermaid, with the upper torso of Aphrodite and the lower body of a fish.
"Besides Bardytrout, how do think you're gonna get her to give you a second glance?" said Mer-phrodite with a knowing wink.
There was one good thing about being a trout, Gabrielle decided. Blushes didn't last - the water cooled them off almost as soon as they formed.
"My thoughts are my business!"
Mer-phrodite wagged a finger at her.
"Uh-oh! Not when you broadcast those kind of thoughts *that* loudly! I get humungous headaches and I gotta do something about 'em."
"Well how do I get Xena's attention, then? And how will she know it's me? How can I stop her having me for lunch? And how do I get back to being me?" "Ex-squeeze me! One at a time please! No wonder she takes off by herself! How does she put up with it?"

"Well?!!" in her agitation, Gabrielle had started to wave her tail from side to side and was closing the gap between herself and Mer-phrodite.
"That answers your last question I believe - you can swim around and find her hook. That should get her attention. As for letting her know it's you...well if this wonderul relationship you two have is all you make it out to be, then she'll just know, won't she?"
Mer-phrodite made as if to swim away, then turned back.
"Troutybard, do you know the story of the prince and the frog?"
"Please! What rock do you think I was brought up under? Of course I do, but what has that got to do with me and Xena?"
"Oh everything, my little trout, everything!"
With a big grin and a huge wink, Mer-phrodite disappeared in another flash.
Gabrielle swam furiously about in a circle for a while, her little fishy brain turning things over, and at last she started to swim methodically back and forth, working her way towards the shore.
Her careful search pattern, derived from observing Xena's methods, paid off at last. There was the hook.
Flash!
"Sure it's Xena's?"
She glared at Mer-phrodite.
"*YES*!"

"Just making sure you're sure. Wouldn't want to see you landed by some big, hairy, sweaty fisherman. Later, babe!"
Flash!
"I hate it when she does that!"
Gabrielle trod water in front of the hook for a while. My Golden Fleece! When did she...oh yeah! The haircut day - sneaky Warrior Princess! She giggled as she thought of the lock of Xena's hair tucked away in her quillcase. Then she found out just how efficient water was at taming a really spectacular sunset blush. Not very.

She had just realised what she had to do to get back to being herself. Get Xena to kiss her. No, be realistic, Gabrielle, she chided herself, you have to get Xena to kiss a trout. Piece of cake, she thought sourly, compared to getting her to kiss me, when that trashy woman could have a hand right up her skirt!
She steeled herself and took the hook in her mouth and swam down. Xena's response was instant, and Gabrielle, annoyed by the turn her last thought had taken resisted. Immediately the warrior eased off, and the bard...er...trout dived rather too quickly for comfort and had to stop and wait until the dizzy spell that came over her passed off.
Xena gently reeled the fish in.
The new bite was a tough customer, judging by the strength of the pull on the line, and she grinned, licking her lips at the thought of a large lunch. (She had decided to let the pike go - it was big, therefore very old and more than likely tough enough to patch her boots.) Eat like a hog and in this heat I should sleep for the rest of the day. If I'm not awake, no chance to think of Gabrielle, no horny thoughts - yeah!
Slowly, slowly she reeled the crafty aquatic life-form to the surface.

"*OW! OW!*"
Well, it sounded that loud in Gabrielle's mind, even though it made no impression on the air she was flying through, at the end of Xena's line. "What in Tartarus???!!" exclaimed Xena in disgust at the minnow at the end of her line. This would barely make an appetiser for Gabrielle, let alone stuff the warrior!

The trout wriggled frantically on the end of the line, and Xena stooped to take it off the hook and put it back in the lake.
Gabrielle gasped as the large hand closed around her. All her efforts to make a sound went for nothing as the warrior opened the trout's mouth with infinite care and gentleness and gingerly removed the hook. The bard's fins went limp.
A puzzled Xena carried the feisty little trout to the water's edge and bending down, opened her hand to let the poor creature swim free. It seemed as if it didn't want to move. Dazed, she thought as she stood up to reset the line, it'll be okay in a minute. She went back to her pole. The bard was dazed indeed. Going weak at the knees when Xena smiled she was used to - having Xena caress her whole body like that...

She drifted aimlessly until there was a bright flash.
"-o -way!" she mumbled.
"What did you say?" frowned Mer-phrodite.
"A ed -o -way!!!!"
A big black pike that was drifting lazily alongside the Goddess gurgled something. She frowned deeply, and it seemed as if the pike was repeating the same set of gurgles.
"Oh I get it! Her mouth is sore from the hook!"
Gabrielle wanted to nod, but all that did was upset whatever it was that told her what direction was up and down, so she stopped.
"Well that was...not good Bardypoo! What next?"
Gabrielle wanted to scream, but that had been ineffectual in air so she decided to skip the experience with water.
The pike gurgled again.
"Oh! *That's* why she can't speak? Fix it? Moi?! Oh I get it! Here you go Trouty!"
Mer-phrodite flicked her tail and Gabrielle's mouth stopped hurting.
"Thanks!" she gasped.
"You're welcome!"
The hook with the Golden Fleece attached drifted down and stopped nearby. Mer-phrodite shrugged at her. "Wanna try again?"
Gabrielle's tears went completely undetected.
The pike gurgled again and the Goddess nodded sagely - or as sagely as is possible when your assets are covered only by a baby clam shell or two.
"Cool Morph!"
"What's he say?"

Part Three

"He's gonna try to lure Xena into tickling for fish. He'll flaunt himself at her in the shallows, then you can swim over and get her to tickle you out."
"Sounds like a plan. Uh, thanks er..Morph."
The pike gurgled again and Gabrielle felt he was making sense, so she followed him into the shallows where Xena had waded in to cast her line further. He made what can only be described as a sensuous dance around the warrior's legs, and Gabrielle felt a rush of jealousy like the one she had had in the Amazon village.
She pushed it away. Think! This may be the only chance you have. Have to make sure I stay on the bank with Xena...she turned it over in her mind as she followed Morph when he made for the overhang of a large flat rock at the edge of the lake. He gurgled at her again. It sounded remarkably like "good luck kid" but she was so keyed up by what she was about to do that she couldn't be sure.
The hand was inserted slowly into the water and the warrior let it hang there, her fingers waving like the fronds of a plant in the current. Gabrielle swished gently over and trod water again, mesmerised by the new angle this gave her on one of the hands she loved so much. Every callus and tiny scar, every cracked nail, each prominent vein was magnified by the bard's diminished size and - as Xena had taught her - the effect of the water.
At last she moved slowly over to the hand and brushed off it. There was no reaction, so she swam lazily around and through the gently waving fingers. She stopped moving, and the fingers curled ever so slowly and gently to tickle along her belly. In her usual form this would have had her convulsed with laughter, but now she was transfixed by the shivers that ran down her spine.
She felt as heavy as lead, and the fingers got even more fleeting and electrifying in their touch. Her eyes started to close - or would have if fish had eyelids. Then Xena made her move. The fingers were thrust inside her and she tried to gasp and couldn't, for her gills were blocked. She rocketed out of the water and into the air, and got a fix on Xena as fast as she could.
The warrior was rolling over and getting to her feet. Gabrielle flapped her fins and wiggled her tail furiously, directing herself to her chosen destination. She landed head first down the front of Xena's shift, nestling between two warm warrior breasts.
"Hera's tits!"
Bad hair day, huh, Xena? she thought fiercely at her, since the talking thing hadn't worked the last time.
Her acute sense of location told her that Xena had whirled round for some reason.
"Who's there?"
Me Xena. Gabrielle. I'm here!
"Speak up! You're very faint. Where are you?"
Right here!
"Hang on! I can't concentrate with this fish stuck in my chest, it's wriggling like crazy! Let me get rid of it, it's too small for lunch anyway."
*DON'T!* Xena that's me!! *I'M* the fish.
Xena went stock still, and Gabrielle stopped struggling, somewhat amazed that she wasn't suffocating after this long in the air, and feeling rather faint from being supported and cushioned between Xena's breasts. "You're losin' it Xena!" muttered the warrior. This lust thing is really getting to me, she thought. She reached into the front of her shift, gently extracted the little trout and held it up to her face to look at it closely.

Lust thing? What lust thing? thought Gabrielle at the back of her mind, as she took the full intensity of Xena's steely blue, supicious gaze in her tiny, trouty face. She went all limp and floppy again. The fish didn't seem to be distressed by not having any water to breathe, and was scrutinising Xena in a manner strangely reminiscent of the bard. Not possible, she thought, shaking her head slowly. This is too much! Have I been poisoned again?
Yes, it is possible. It's me!
"How?!"
Aph....A... a god!
The sapphire eyes narrowed dangerously.
"Which one?"
The bard started to sweat - at least she would have if she'd been herself. Instead, the trout began to tremble in Xena's warm hands. I'm not sure, it keeps appearing to me as a fish. "What kind of a fish?"
*XENA!* How should I know or care! I hate fish! I never... "Gabrielle??! It's really you!"
The warrior's face crumpled, and this close to, the bard could see tears welling in those baby blue eyes. Xena now had unequivocal proof that the trout really was her adored Gabrielle.
The fish stopped trembling, frozen by this display of emotion.
"Sweetheart! How can I get you back?"
Sweetheart?! The bard nearly lost the power of thought. You have to do the Prince and the Frog thing.
"What?!!"
Er, the Prince and the Frog, only with us it's the Princess - you - and the Trout - me. It's a famous old fable? she prompted seeing the baffled look on Xena's face.
"Any battles in it?"
No.
"I used to tune those ones out. What happens?"
With no water around her to cool her, Gabrielle felt she was going to be parboiled by the blush that spread from nose to tail.
An angry God turns this Princess into frog. She can only be saved by a...Prince.
(Gabrielle edited the 'tall dark and handsome' bit out as much to speed her rescue as to spare herself further blushes)
Xena nodded briskly, glad the trout hadn't opted for the bard's cut version. She hated soppy fables where the princess swooned at the sight of the first man to glance at her.
"Fine. I'm the Prince, now what do I do?"
The trout's mouth opened and shut several times before Gabrielle managed to collect her thoughts sufficiently to communicate with Xena again. Kiss me.
For a brief time she thought Xena had gone into a trance, but then the wry lopsided grin quirked into existence.
"You're kidding me?"
The trout moved its head from side to side. No. No kidding. No kissing either, judging by the warior's thunderstruck expression. "Where?" squeaked Xena.
The trout gulped several times.
Mouth.
"Ooooooh-kay." She took a quick, shifty glance around to make sure she was unobserved. She was so shaken that her uncanny senses failed her, and she never suspected the presence of even one, never mind two, meddling Gods. "Kiss you on the mouth?"
Yeah.
It was a very quiet thought. Xena took a deep breath, closed her eyes and puckered up to the tiny mouth. The bard's lips were rather hard and cold and tasted fishy at first. Then all at once, the trout got very heavy, and the lips grew soft and warm against Xena's. The warrior broke the gentle kiss and opened her eyes as she slowly lowered the now much larger, and no longer trouty body to the ground.
Gabrielle's face was flushed, her eyes wide and sparkling as she looked up at Xena. Her knees weren't wobbling - they had turned to mush. It was a good thing Xena was holding her by the waist - or so she thought at first. Then she registered the warm, tingling sensation in her bare skin beneath the strong hands. Her own hands were resting on Xena's shoulders. No armour, no leathers - almost bare shoulders. The bard snatched her hands away as if her palms were burning.
"Sweetheart...." sighed Xena, as every single tense muscle in her body relaxed, one after the other. Then she frowned.
"I'm dreaming - this is another sick joke of theirs. I'm dreaming!" She grabbed her left upper arm between her forefinger and thumb and pinched hard.
"Duuuu-uuuuh!"
Aphrodite clapped her hands, and the tableau at the lake froze. She took a stricken glance at her dark companion who was still massaging his throat.
"Morph!?! What now?"
"Reset," he croaked.
"Reset?" she wrinkled her nose - frowning was so not good for foreheads, even for one as perfect as the Goddess of Love.
"Back to tree! Explain later!"
There were four flashes. One each as first Gabrielle, and then Xena disappeared and two together as Morpheus and Dite left the lakeside.

"Here let me..."
Aphrodite waved her fingers gently over Morpheus's throat.
"What happened to you anyway?" she asked.
By way of answering her Morpheus gestured to the figure seated at the foot of the tree.
"Xena. She fists fish you know!"
Aphrodite tore her gaze away from the mortal's sleeping form.
"She what?"A fist came at the Goddess' face like a runaway warwagon, and stopped a hair short of crashing into that lovely mouth. It opened in surprise.
"Exactly," said Morpheus, his grin looking almost evil, as it showed only the tips of his slightly pointed teeth. "When you're a fish, as you may have noticed, your mouth is always opening and closing to breathe in water. It's so much thicker than air, you have to. Her timing's impeccable. She rammed one of those down my neck."
He pointed at the hand clenched around a tuft of grass - the other was still between her legs.
"So now what? That should have worked!!" she wailed.
"You lot must have been jerking her round a lot lately. She's really suspicious of anything remotely not reality. Your basic sceptic, pragmatic fatalist in one gorgeous leather-bound package," he sighed gustily.
"Morph! She's so not you! Get a grip!"
Aphrodite stamped her foot. How any man, God or mortal could find this virago attractive was beyond her. She was thinking of canvassing to have the bard elevated to demi-godhood if she came clean about her feelings for Xena and they became lovers.
"I wish!"
"Well it's not like you don't bug her either!! Those nightmares!" Her Coolness shuddered at the thought of those.
"Hey! All I do is stir up her memories and let her conscience mix it. All real memories! Then she bugs the Tartarus out of herself." he tapped his temple for emphasis on the word real. His face lit up.
"Oh yeaaaah! Real memories! Way to go!"

Her sticky fingers told her she should have been more relaxed than she felt. Hades! It usually eased the tension for a few hours, and here she was after....
(She screwed her eyes up as she checked the sun's position) ...a fifteen minute nap feeling just as horny as before! Sounds of splashing from the lake filtered through the haze of her arousal at last. There had been no-one there when she ducked into the thicket. The only person for miles around was....
"Gaaaaa-briiiiiiii-eeelle!" she howled, as she sprang up from the ground and pelted for the lakeside as fast her long legs would carry her. Her iron control made her pause at the shore to pinpoint the bard's location. Wasting time thrashing about trying to find her could cost the girl her life. As soon as she spotted the bubbles, she ran into the water and kicked herself off as hard as she could to close the distance between them.
A nerve-racking few minutes later, she had Gabrielle's still, sodden body on dry land. She worked frantically, for the ruby lips were turning pale as she watched. After clearing the water from her lungs, she set to work blowing air into them. It didn't seem to be working, the lips were grey now. Ignoring her rising fear and panic, she persisted. To no avail. The lips were blue.
She sat back on her heels and ran a hand through her dripping hair. She started to shake her head.
"No, no! *NO*! Don't do this to me again!!!!" she screamed in despair, the tears that mingled with the lakewater on her face unheeded. "Wake UP!"
She thumped the bard's chest as she had in the Thessalian healing temple, and forced herself to stay calm. She had thought about what had happened that day a great deal, and she thought it might work again. The blows to the chest squeezed the heart and moved the blood, she reckoned. In between times she blew life-giving air into the mouth she had longed to have kiss hers. At last she sat back exhausted, empty, and surveyed the lifeless form of her beloved bard. At last the tears streamed down her face. She threw her head back and screamed a wordless cry of grief that came from the depths of her wounded soul. She gathered the limp body into her arms and smoothed the hair back from Gabrielle's forehead, and sat holding her, rocking gently back and forth as if she were trying to get a baby to drop off to sleep. "Oh, sweetheart, why didn't I tell you when I had the chance? Now you'll never know."
Xena bent her head and sobbed, then realising that death had freed her of her crippling fear of losing Gabrielle's friendship if the girl should be repelled by Xena's true feelings, she kissed the cool lips hungrily. In her grief, she didn't notice the shimmering air in front of her. Then there was a flash and Xena froze, her mouth locked on Gabrielle's. Morpheus materialised. A second later, Cupid joined him, swooping down from above with a still-breathing, sleeping Gabrielle cradled in his arms.

(No, you aren't hallucinating, and I *can* count! There are indeed two Bards - be patient!)
"Okay, enough with the reality already! Let's make the switch!" the Dream God announced. There was no reaction from the touching tableau. He looked swiftly from one bard to the other. Identical physically. Had he made a mistake? He had just started to probe the mind of the one in Cupid's arms, when there was a rather wobbly flash from the one Xena was kissing. Looking a little punch-drunk, she tottered towards the Dream God and as she did, she slowly metamorphosed into her true form.
"That's a relief! What kept you?"
"Hmmmmwhaaat?"
"What took you so long?"
Aphrodite seemed to come to at last and answered back.
"I thought she was never going to hear me! Good job I'm a Goddess - I might have drowned out there. I deserved some recompense!"
"Good kisser is she?" grinned Morpheus.
Cupid looked distinctly queasy.
"Oh *yeah*!" Aphrodite had just had a sample of one of the best of Xena's many skills. "The bard-girl is going to have such a good time! Uuuh, groady - much!"
Her Coolness had just realised that while she had re-assumed her own perfectly bodacious form, she was still clad in the bard's brown skirt and bilious green top - both of which were still soaking wet. She snapped her fingers and restored herself to her preferred state of dress - or rather, undress.
"Er, boys? Reality junkie over there won't be convinced if you don't even splash Bardypoo a little bit!"
Cupid flitted out over the lake, and dived
"How's her dream doing?" Aphrodite used this brief interlude to catch up on where exactly they were in the plan.
"On pause. She's dead. Waiting for tall dark and handsome to wake her! She's a much easier sell than Xena. Glad you're here, though, doll. This mixing reality and dreams business is a hard one to hack. Couldn't do it without ya!"
"Right back at ya, Morph!"
The pair resurfaced. Cupid was perfectly dry, but Gabrielle was now dripping wet.
With an imperious wave of her hand, the Goddess of Love inserted the oblivious redhead into the warrior's embrace. She spent a few moments eyeing the tableau critically, tweaking it here and there.
"Mo-om! For cryin' out loud! Get on with it!"
"Hey! I was there! Princess Pragmatic has got to be convinced for this to work. It's *my* headache and I'm making sure I get rid of it!"
The rest of the tweaks weren't really necessary. She just enjoyed watching her son squirm.
"Okay! I'm done!"
The three Gods made themselves invisible once more, and Morpheus released the pause mode. (You try describing this in less than a page without resorting to useful twentieth century technotalk!)
At first Xena thought her broken heart was overriding her logic. (A very tough thing to do, as Xena can be so logical at times, she would make a certain pointy-eared alien - who shall remain nameless as I can't afford the copyright fees - look like a gibbering emotional wreck. This should give you an idea of how badly smashed her heart was.)
She went on kissing her lost love - it was a very small crumb of comfort, and she savoured it for as long as she could. Her mind began to register the increasing warmth in the lips she was kissing. It was definitely more than a mere transfer of body heat would account for.
She lifted her head to look. The lips were no longer blue, or even grey. They were beginning to blush a warm pink. From the depths of her mind came a memory of some silly old fable Gabrielle had once told her about a Prince who kissed a sleeping beauty back to life. Her logic was demolished. She pounced on the bard's mouth again, and probed passionately with her tongue as well as her lips. She almost dropped the wet body with fright when, of their owner's accord, the once-lifeless lips opened and Gabrielle welcomed Xena in.
Eventually, she needed visual proof. She lifted her mouth reluctantly, and gazed into the green eyes she adored - wide open and looking right back into her own.
"Oh sweetheart, I thought I'd lost you for ever!" whispered Xena.

"You don't get rid of me that easily my darling!" murmured Gabrielle.

Xena blinked hard at this very unorthodox term of endearment. Then she noticed a soggy piece of parchment poking out of the bard's top. She fished it out. She was glad she had bought her that really good Indian ink for her birthday, because despite her recent soaking, the text was still legible.
"Didn't know you'd read any Sappho," she said her eyebrow rising in surprise.
"Ages ago. I was just a kid. Didn't know what it really meant at the time, I just liked it. Came back to me today when I was thinking about you, and trying to write about you."
"It did?"
Xena's eyes widened, and she had to make an effort not to squeak when she spoke. She was afraid to hope.
"Yeah, I can't hope to even match the way she writes about her lovers. And I'd love to be able to write about you like that."
"Oh Sappho's been at it for years. You're good, and you'll get better with practice...."
"No Xena, I don't mean I want to write as well as her. You're very kind to say so, but I know I'm an indifferent poet. I meant I'd love to be able to write about you like you were my lover."
There was stunned silence.
"Nice touch with the parchment, Morph!" whispered Dite.
"I try!" he whispered back.
They both held their breaths. Cupid had covered his face when the pair had got down to tongue sparring.
"You mean, you're....in love. With me!?!!"
Gabrielle nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
"Thank the Gods!" groaned Xena, weak with relief.
"See? She may not respect us but she can recognise when we've done her a good turn," hissed Morpheus from the side of his mouth.
"Can I split mom? It's nearly feeding time for the baby. Psyche'll have a fit!" Cupid had caught the whispering bug too, even though all three Gods were inaudible to the lovers.
"Oh go!" snapped Aphrodite, irritated by this distraction from the more important business of the day.
"Yeah, with you. Any chance you might feel anything similar for me?"

"Similar? Nope! Don't think so," teased Xena, and relented as the bard's lower lip started to quiver. "What I feel for you is indentical, my love" Their mouths locked fast and in Xena's haste to make up for lost time and opportunity, they ended up rolling back into the lake in a passionate embrace.
"Ooooooooooooh yeeeeeeeeeeees!" sighed Aphrodite.
"Headache gone, Your Pinkness?" asked Morpheus, one slanted eyebrow rising.
"So gone, it's like, not there!" she grinned.
"Then, I think you and I have some pressing business elsewhere, doll!" "Pressing what?"

"Oh.... lips to start off with."
Morpheus faded slowly, like a badly fixed fresco in sunlight (I'm trying to avoid intrusions of twentieth century idioms here, gimme a break!)

"Any other body parts in mind after that?"
Aphrodite began to fade in like manner.
"Hmmm...one or two spring to mind, I'd like to press my ..." His disembodied voice was cut off at this point unfortunately, so I can't record what the Goddess of Love and the God of Dreams were planning to get up to after they faded away from the lake.
What happened in and around the lake that day is anyone's guess, because a sudden mist descended there shortly after our heroines rolled into it. It didn't clear until the cool air of night precipitated it into a very heavy dew.

"Hey Morph whatcha doin'?"
"Keeping her sweet, doll. Keeping her dreams sweet. She's very good at resurrecting the old guilt trips. In fact it's a dead cert as soon as she expriences a moment's happiness."
"And you didn't want to let it spoil the wedding night for them! You old romantic!"
She sat down beside him on the rock, leaned her head on Morpheus's shoulder and sighed. Bathed in moonlight, they watched the couple lying together under their blankets near their cooking fire. They were in such a tangle that you might have mistaken them for a single body, but for Gabrielle's bright head resting on Xena's shoulder.
"Xena?"
"Hmm?"
"When did you realise you were in love with me?"
"Ages ago."
"I mean, can you fix the moment?"
"Go to sleep!"
"I told you, now can you tell me?"
"Go to sleep!!"
"Please? Try. Just for me?"
"I'm too tired to think. Go to sleep!!!!!"
"I'd really love to know."
Xena groaned. Sleep was fast deserting her, for Gabrielle's hand had started to wander boldy where it had never gone before of an evening after they'd been stargazing. Her old admonition of 'Go to sleep' - however many exclamation marks she managed to squeeze into her tone as she said it - wasn't going to work any more.
"And I'm not going to go to sleep any time soon!" the bard announced tartly as soon as she heard the groan.
"Oh yeah? I think I know a good way to relax you," purred Xena. With a grunt she flipped the bard onto her back and straddled her. "You'll be so relaxed after this you may sleep for a week," she threatened seductively and bent to suck at a rosy nipple. She smiled when she heard the bard's intake of breath as she nibbled delicately. She grinned broadly as she looked into the younger woman's face, then burrowing down, she disappeared under the cover. A large hand re-appeared from under it to massage a bardic breast. Presently, a muffled mumble issued from beneath the blanket.
"You hear that?"
"Yes doll. Didn't you?"
"No, would I ask if I had?"
"She said 'or maybe even a mo.."
Morpheus' words were cut off by a loud cry from the blankets.
"Oooooooooooh, Xeeeeeeeeeeeeeenaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
Aphrodite sighed loudly. "Ain't love grand?"
"Sure is! Care to try some yourself, Your Blondeness?"
There would be no bad dreams, nightmares or guilt trips for the Warrior Princess tonight, it was clear.
"Love to!"
The bright flashes that signalled their departure went unnoticed by the two mortal lovers, who had found their own corner of the Elysian Fields that night.

Finis

Foot notes :

#1 Yes, now you know! The bard of Poteideia saved Sappho for posterity. You should see the ones Xena thought were to hot to keep with the family scrolls! Unfortunately these were lost when Jack Kleinman took possession of the Macedonian Hoard.

#2 Actually there was a tune of sorts (Xena sings better than she whistles) and it was turned into the theme tune of a late 20th century TV show called Xena : Warrior Princess. How Joe LoDuca got hold of the scroll with this tune on it is anybody's guess!

#3 So much is made of the subtext in Xena, that I'm beginning to think this is a conspiracy by TPTB to take the heat off Herc. No, I mean it! Read the Greek myths and you'll see that the real furore should be about the *lack* of loving, sexual relationship between Herc and Iolaus. But don't expect me to write fanfic about that - I'm having too much fun with the decoys to bother about the lame ducks!

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