Anyway, I finally started teaching on Monday, and I have to say it was pretty cool. I teach mainly grade 3s (18 lessons a week!) and I teach them all the same thing, so it can get a bit monotonous really, but at least my lesson plans are a piece of piss. I could go a century without hearing a bunch of kids screaming 'GRANFADDA!' at me though.
It's cool to see how similiar and how different the school system is run within China. Every day (I think) the kids begin with some exercises. Then they sing the anthem, then they salute the flag. They're at school from 8 in the morning until 5 in the afternoon, which sounds awful but get this: after lunch, everybody has an afternoon nap. Even the teachers! What a mind blower. They all grab a blanket and a pillow then sleep on the desk for an hour or so. Crazy. And we get a free lunch: a lovely chinese meal of some sort and some rice. We had Chrysthanthenum soup the other day. Beats the warm sausage rolls of St. Joseph's, that's for sure.
The kids are all pretty nice I guess, some of them are are really cute.
It's really weird standing in front of a classroom when it wasn't so long ago I was sitting in one. It makes me feel more like a peer than a teacher. It's really hard to resist joining in when the kids are fucking around. One of the kids fell off their chair the other day, and I couldn't compose myself for a good two minutes (everything is funnier if done by foreigners). The fat kids are funny too.
Also, inbetween lessons they have a 10 minute break. I have no idea why. They say to me "ok, you can have a rest now" then 8 minutes later a group of kids come in. How much of a rest is that? Another thing happened the other day that freaked me out. For some reason it reminded me of that episode of Futurama where they're watching the Flurnsball game and all this weird shit starts happening (like the giant bullant and whatnot) and Fry gets confused. Thats how I felt the other day when the Teacher's Assistant starts yelling at the kids, gets one to come out the front, and then the kid starts shouting out instructions. Then all the kids close their eyes, put their heads forward, rest their chins on their thumbs and start rubbing their eyelids and cheeks. Very bizarre. I'm told that this is 'face exercising', and every kid in China does it. Weird.
They also have a series of bells that go off. Some sound like what we think of as a doorbell sound, others are Beethoven (I guess) and others are jaunty little piano tunes, like a carnival.
Other than that, it's a lot like what you see as the North American standard in education. Think Degrassi but with more outside classes (and stairs! Argh!), and less grass. And a lot more kids that look like Yik.
The uniforms are cool though. Every primary school has a red bandanna around the neck,and most high schools have a Run DMC-style tracksuit as the winter uniform.
As far as teaching goes, I think I'm doing well. The kids all seem to like me, some even to the point of dangerous fascination. I walk around and all the kids say 'hello' or 'hello what is your name', and seem in awe that a being such as I should exist. One trick that is fun is to walk in wearing a beanie, then take it off to reveal BLONDISH HAIR! I did that to the junior middle school studets and they damn near applauded for shit's sake. I can understand that, at least, to some extent, but what was bizarre was when I took my jacket off. It's cold in the mornings but it gets warm early arvo, so I took my jacket off mid lesson and all the kids started making confused, shocked, amazed noises. Weird. I like the middle school kids though, because I can hold a semi-decent conversation with them. One girl (who looks amazingly like Victoria Orpin for being of Oriental decent) said to me, "some of my friends do think you look like English Football Player David Beckham". Well needless to say I gave that a giggle, then thought: Do Asians think all Europeans look the same? How racist!
Speaking of bizarre resemblances though, there's one stylish girl in grade 3 who looks like a younger, more tanned version of Chelsea Osborne. I'll have to get a picture so you can compare (if you know who I'm talking about).
Being (I guess) one of the very few white guys these kids have ever seen (outside of a zoo?) is a huge cause for fascination. I feel like a celebrity sometimes, which is bizarre to say the least. Today, even, all the grade 3 kids wanted me to write my name in their books. I won't say 'autograph', because that is just too fucking insane. Three kids in Junior also wanted my email address, and another girl wanted me to go through the zodiac with her and give her the proper pronounciations. Odd.
It's fun to teach a class and only hear them speak english. You begin to think that they speak english normally (because they never speak Mandarin to me) but then you hear them say some (to my foreign ears) gibberish to the teacher or eachother and think, "Wow, these kids are really smart".

All in all though, China is a pretty cool place, and although some things take getting used to (dirt, pollution, dust, not knowing shit about the language, the toilets), there's a lot of things that are light years ahead of the Coast (alcohol in convenience stores, things open past 9pm, reliable public transport, less fuckwits per capita). Oh and they also call the toilet the 'W.C.', which I think is really cool and should be introduced into Australia. That's another thing, I think I've said 'Australia' more times in the last week than I have in my entire life. What a silly word it is.

Other than that not much has been happening. Oh, I sung Leo Sayer's 'More Than I Can Say' on stage with an Oriental transvestite the other night, and I won a game of badminton against THREE Chinese middle-school girls.

These smokey internet cafes aren't the best place to sit down and write long emails, so sorry if you're disappointed with my effort.

Mum - finally picked up the package. Thanks for everything - the phrasebook has come in handy on several occasions already. Can I resend the box to Australia with stuff for you guys?

Anyway, hope you're all having fun. I've decided that I'm going to Thailand during the school holidays, so if anyone has any tips or things to pick up, thanks.

A month on, and China is the same as I'm treating it: Lovely, yet at the same time weary. China is a lovely place. True, for all it's bad points, I can't say it's too rotten. It's often referred to as a 'developing' place - which couldn't be more correct. It has nice roads, yet the drivers are all shit. If you want a prostitute, just walk down to the Garden Hotel - but if it's a titty mag you want, well, prepare to be stuffed - you won't get anywhere. What I'm trying to say is,here is there double standards here are sorta weird.

As a precursor (even though I'e already written ap opening paragrpah), I'd lke you all to know that I'm writing this while under the effect of many pints of the finest Chinese beer. But I digress...

I've met many fine people here, from all over the world - yet only a few Australians, and in passing at that. The more New Zealanders I meet, though, it appears to me that Australia has even less going for it. As mush as it guilts me to say it, I don't really miss Australia - purely as a geographical destination - that much. The people though, of course I miss At least, that is, my friends, my family -I think that covers you all. I miss you a great deal - if you all moved to China I'd be a happy dude. I guess that can't happen though.

If you get the chance though, well, please come to China. I'd be glad to show you the sights and the sounds (the smells are all shit here) about town. Guangzhou has a quaint charm about it, sort of like Nambour. But if you thought Petrie Creek was a bit on the scummy side, wait until you see the Pearl River.

Missing you all, but there's a lot to be distracted from it in China. That said: I've gotten used to the toilets; the food here is decent for the most part; and the girls all treat me as if I were Billy Cooney.

Keep it tight,

This maggot is out,
Mattchozilla

PS I like everyone's emails, even if I don't reply. Thanks.

PPS Brian, you're pretty funny

Not all that much has been happening. Went to the zoo the other day and saw two monkeys hump eachother for about 3 seconds. Eddie will be happy to learn that I also saw a camel do a shit.
There were pandas there, but we didn't see any! Apparently they were having a nap or something, I dunno. I felt ripped off anyway.
Went to this place that has imported goods, so that was cool. They had VB and Crownies that probably worked out cheaper here than there. Got some Milk Duds (nice), a Cherry 7-Up (cool) and an American Dr. Pepper (yay).
They don't have that here, you know. In fact they're pretty low on soft drinks, and the soft drinks they do have are sorta shitty. Even the Coke tastes a little funny (I think it's made with Chinese sugar or something... and it's carbonated too much). They also have lime Fanta (crappy), mint Sprite, and orange Sunkist with 'the BURNING sensation of GINGER!!!'. Generally, if it has sugar in it, the Chinese sort of stuff it up. Even a Chinese girl agrees with me that they can't do dessert for shit. But oh well, they do wonderful things with meat.
Speaking of which, I had an all you can eat meat buffet the other night. It was awesome, these guys come around with a chunk of meat on a stick and slice off however much you want. I doubt I've ever eaten so much meat in my life, let alone in China.
Then afterwards we went bowling and I won one game and came 2nd in the other two. But better than that, I got the hearty congratulations of an old Chinese man after getting two strikes in a row.
I bought a pair of Sony earphones tonight from a supermarket for only 12 RMB! That's about $2. They're really good, I'm listening to Ween at the moment. Thanks for making those CDs by the way Brian. Hi El Seriious.

Teaching's going well, I think. Haven't had any complaints so far, so I must be doing alright I guess. Anyway, you're bored by now, so I better be off.