But, before you say Good-Bye,
have a few Scots' laughs on us.

When Jake MacNab visited London for his holidays, he stayed at a big hotel. However, he didn't feel that the natives were very friendly. "At three o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on ma bed- room door, on the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Sometimes they hammered so loudly I couldnae hear masel play the bagpipes."

A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymph standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?" The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Oh, lassie, I havnae eaten in a week and I am awfy hungry!" She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?" "Oh, aye! That haggis has made me awfy thirsty and I wud like a drink!" She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymph leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?" "Oh, lassie, don't tell me ye huv got a golf course here too!"

In the beginning when God was creating the world, he was sitting on a cloud telling his pal the Angel Gabriel what he planned for Scotland. "Gabby" he said. "I'm going to give them soaring mountains, purple glens. high flying eagles, streams laden with salmon, golden fields of barley from which a whisky coloured nectar can be made, green lush spectacular golf courses, coal in the ground, oil under the sea, gas... "Hold on" said Gabriel "Are you not being over generous to these Scots. "NO" replied the Almighty "Wait till you see the neighbours I'm going to give them.

An Englishman, a Welshman, and a Scotsman were sitting in a pub one day, each enjoying a pint. All of a sudden, three flies appeared, each landing simultaneously in each of the pints. The Englishman turned up his nose, pushed the pint away, then went off to order a fresh one. The Welshman reached in, grabbed the fly, flicked it away, then continued drinking. The Scotsman reached in, grabbed the fly, looked it straight in the face, and growled, "Spit it oot, ye wee thief!"

Macnab was out working the field when a barnstormer landed. "I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot. "Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Macnab. "Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10." So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Macnab. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!" "Aye," said Macnab, "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"

McNab had become a bit hard of hearing but he didn't want to pay for a hearing aid. So bought a piece of flex, put one end in his top pocket and the other end in his ear. It didn't help his hearing but he found that people spoke to him more loudly.

A Scotsman won a toilet brush as the booby prize in a raffle. He had never won anything before, though, so he was delighted. A few weeks later a friend asked if he was getting much use from the toilet brush. "Well," came the reply, "I don't think much of it. I think I'll go back to using toilet paper."

In the "old days" the Macnabs went raiding one time and came back with, among other things, dozens of bottles of whiskey and one loaf of bread. When the chief saw the booty, he asked, "Wha's gaen ta eat a' that bread?"

MacDonald was awarded 10,000 pounds for injuries received after a traffic accident and his wife got 2,000 pounds. A friend asked how badly injured his wife had been in the accident. MacDonald replied "Och, she wasn't injured but I had the presence of mind to kick her in the leg before the police arrived."

As a Christmas present one year, the Laird gave his gamekeeper, MacPhail, a deerstalker hat with ear-flaps. MacPhail was most appreciative and always wore it with the flaps tied under his chin to keep his ears warm in the winter winds. One cold, windy day the Laird noticed he was not wearing the hat.
"Where's the hat?" asked the Laird.
"I've given up wearing it since the accident," replied MacPhail.
"Accident? I didn't know you'd had an accident."
"Yes. A man offered me a nip of whisky and I had the earflaps down and never heard him."

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