Funny Things I Heard Over the Holidays

So, instead of trying to come up with original ideas, I'm basically just going to repeat things that I heard (or "saw," you'll see) over the last few days. Some jokes, some things that weren't intended to be jokes, and even a picture (as I write this, I even haven't taken the picture yet -- but before I get to the end of this page, I will, trust me. And it's funny).

Airline Safety As told to me by my dad: Part of the lure (?) of the suicide bombers is the martyrdom they receive by dying in "battle against the Infidels." Seventy virgins awaiting them in heaven, the whole nine yards (I already told you these guys like to get there first). I'm not poking fun at this, however misguided I think it is, it is a belief held by some. These same people believe that pigs are so unclean, that if you die with a pig, you are condemned to hell (or its equivalent). Hmmm, martyrdom, pigs, martyrdom, pigs.... Well, the airline safety solution seems pretty obvious now, doesn't it? You know,

DING. "Well, we've reached cruising altitude and I'm going to turn off the seat belt sign in a moment, and then you will be free to move about the cabin. On behalf of myself, Captain Jones, the 1st Officer Mr. Smith, and the in-flight pig, Charlotte, I'd like to wish you a safe and pleasant flight."  What do you think, eh? Worth a try.

This guy walks in a bar No family gathering would be complete without the usual smattering of corny jokes. A sample of the ones I've heard recently:

A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke. The bartender looks at him kind of funny.

Bartender: "You know, we've got a drink named after you."
Grasshopper, with British accent: "Wot, Neville?"

A Horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey fellah, why the long face?"

How to catch a polar bear (as told by my son): "Well, you go up near the North Pole. Dig a deep, round hole, and place peas all around it. When the polar bear stops to take a pea, push him in."

Try a different outlet  More silly jokes later, but first the story that inspired them. My two sisters and families pooled funds to buy my parents a new Sony mini-stereo system. You know, the kind with a good hundred bells and whistles and the like. After giggling for a while at my two brothers-in-law's attempts to get this thing installed and running, I thought I'd play fair and try to help. Well, we got this system to the point where you could perform any function, so long as it was commanded by the remote control. Not one button on the front panel actually did anything (and, of course, the only method for opening the CD tray was to use the button on the front panel). Maddening, really. We tried everything we could think of, even looked at the user manual (broke my streak at several hundred things assembled without ever looking at a users manual). At this point, our wives were poking some fun at us (You know, "How many of our husbands does it take to turn on a stereo system - depends on how much it has had to drink  ha ha ha" and the like). Finally, the three of us concluded the system must be defective, and we would bring it back and exchange it for another one (I, of course, wanted to take it apart -- I'm sure the connector cable from the front panel microcontroller must simply be disconnected. Luckily, the others have more sense and less curiosity than I).. "Oh come on," my older sister said, "Try plugging it into a different outlet."  (?) "Yeah," my mom chimed in, "that might be it."  (??) With an incredulous look on my face I turned to my younger sister, but she wisely kept her mouth shut. "OK," I told the first sister, "plug it in somewhere else. Maybe it doesn't like the electrons from that outlet." So she did. No, it didn't miraculously work after that, this isn't that kind of story. I just wanted to give you an idea of the environment in which I grew up..... maybe now you'll understand my weird sense of humor..... I mean, they were serious!

Some more stupid jokes that followed soon after:

A proton walks into a bar and orders a G&T. The barkeep looks at him kind of funny.

Bartender: "Are you a proton?"
Proton: "Yup"
Bartender: "Are you sure?"
Proton: "Positive"

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Neutron: "How much do I owe you?"
Bartender: "For you, no charge"

Holiday greetings to all (well, most): Here's the picture I was talking about.

More on martyrdom: You know, after a number of noon-time walks through Times Square I came up with a brilliant idea to rid the world of these ready-to-be-martyred Al Qaeda characters. Given these guys' attitudes towards women (you know, they must be kept in a bag at all times, that sort of thing), I am 100% sure this lure of martyrdom was mainly because of the seventy virgins awaiting the lucky martyrs in heaven. I mean, seventy virgins? Presumably of legal age? So the solution seemed pretty obvious to me, although the Department of Defense insisted on doing it their way. My solution? Open a Virgin Megastore in Kandahar, and just capture these guys as they lined up at the door. Right?

Even more on martyrdom: It's a cultural thing, really. Ever hear of a sane Westerner blowing himself up to reach martyrdom? Of course not. We don't do that sort of thing. And let's face it: the deal would have to change substantially. "Yeah, yeah, seventy virgins, I like that, that's a good offer. Seventy, huh? Hmm. Tell you what, make it fifty virgins and a dozen or so real sluts and you've got a deal."☺