| OK, I picked on women in the last essay (well, not really, I
double-checked the math, it all seems pretty factual). So I might as well
even the score by explaining men to women. Many women have long suspected
all this to be true, so if this is all redundant just skip on ahead....
In fact, to make it interesting, I'll present this in myth/fact format, so
you ladies can just skip ahead to your favorite myths and I'll confirm or
dispel them for you. Myth: All men are pigs
Fact: All men are pigs
Oh come on, you thought this was a myth? Did you ever see the hint of terror
in a man's eyes when the doctor says "Congratulations, you've got a
beautiful baby girl." That's not just the usual
I'm-terrified-to-be-a-new-parent look, it's the
oh-no-payback-for-all-the-evil-things-I've-done/wanted-to-do-to/for/with-women
look. "Surely not all men," you (well, some of you) say. "There are
enlightened, sensitive men out there that cherish women and treat them well
blah blah blah." Yup. And every year at the county fair some pig wins the
prize as the best pig, too. I didn't say we can't behave ourselves,
or won't behave ourselves. I'm just saying that even that
prize-winning pig is, well, a pig (hey, so long as it doesn't get airsick it
ought to get free flights everywhere, I say -- but you had to read an
earlier essay to understand that one). I don't know if it is genetic or
societal. Just trust me on this one. Even the best behaved men are pigs;
just well-behaved pigs.
Hey that reminds me, did you ever hear the joke about the traveling
salesman whose car breaks down late at night in front of a local farmhouse?
(No, it's not a farmer's daughter joke - what, do you think I'm some kinda
pig or something?). Well, the farmer agrees to let this guy stay on his
couch. The salesman can't help notice there is a pig with no legs lying in
the middle of the living room. He finally has to ask the farmer, "what's the
deal with the legless pig?" "That's a special pig," says the farmer. "That
pig saved our whole family." He then went on to describe how a year ago
there was a fire in the farmhouse in the middle of the night, and the pig
ran in the house from the barn and woke the whole family up and pulled them
to safety. "Wow," said the salesman, "that sure is a special pig. But how
did it lose it's legs?" The farmer gave him a dirty look and said "Son, when
you got a pig that special, you don't eat him all at once." I've used
that one to explain the effects of corporate downsizing once or twice, too.
OK, back on subject....
Myth: The bigger a man's feet/hands/nose/whatever, the bigger his, uh,
other appendages
Fact: good question, but I doubt it
I'm sure many of you ladies reading this are in a much better position to
judge this than I am. However, if I remember anything from gym class in high
school, this one is pure myth. Sorry honey, go for the size of his heart
- or at least his wallet.
Myth: Men don't listen to women
Fact: I'm sorry, did you say something?
Of course we listen. Our memories just are very selective. Very, very
selective. Sometimes instantaneously selective. Anyway, all I can really say
on the matter is illustrated by my comments on a young man I know who is
hearing-impaired: "He's going to make some lucky lady a fine husband
some day." ☺
Myth: Bald men make better lovers
Fact: How the hell would I know?
I mean, from my point of view this is very true, but I'd say this is a
better question for the women to answer, y'know? As always you can
email your opinions (as always, I'll disregard the ones I don't agree
with). I can tell you for sure, however, that any guy who is concerned about
how his hair looks during lovemaking probably isn't worth gettin' all sweaty
with.
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