Dealing With Telemarketers

In addition to philosophy and song lyrics, I try to give a little practical advice every now and again. This essay takes a practical look at something we all have to face: dealing with telemarketers.  I don't know about you, but my parents raised me to try to always be polite. Maybe too much so (but I'm managing to unlearn it on a daily basis). So when I first had my own telephone,  I naturally tried to be as polite as possible to telemarketers. You know, listen to what they had to say, give them honest answers as to why I wasn't interested in what they were selling, and so on. Biiiiiig mistake. Several freezers-full of prime Kansas City beef later, when I was having my windows replaced for the third time and no longer had any room for all the magazines I had subscribed to, I realized this 'being polite' stuff wasn't really cutting it. Well, that's not really true, I never bought that stuff -- I really became ultra-suspicious when I was solicited for a donation that would help "send blind children to the XYZ Brothers Circus performance" (true story). Now, I may not always be the sharpest knife in the drawer, and I dunno, it is possible that many blind children would enjoy a circus performance, but boy, that one had "scam" written all over it. In fact, I began to suspect that these telemarketers were trained to seek out folk like me as prey. So, I did what any good techie would do: studied the issue. Analyzed it. Spoke with other people about how they deal with telemarketers. Tried electronic gadgets that are supposed to detect and prevent telemarketers (not too reliable). And came up with the following basic proven strategies.

These strategies range from the polite-but-assertive to the downright nasty. I neither practice nor recommend some of the techniques here; remember, at the other end of the phone is a person just trying to make a living. But I admit I do use different tactics depending on what mood I'm in etc. When in moral doubt, remember: they called you.

Polite-but-assertive: This is what you really should do. Once you determine it is a telemarketer, politely say "Thank you, I'm not interested."  Most of the time they'll say "thanks" and hang up, appreciating the fact that you were efficient and not nasty.. If they continue their spiel, you hang up. The only twist I've ever experienced with this one went something like this:

Pleasant young female voice: "Hello, Mr. Genius. I'm calling from Thermo-gourd..."
Me: "Thank you, but I'm not interested."
Telemarketer: "Oh, OK. Can I talk to 'Devon'?" (my son, not his real name)
Me: "Aaargh!"

Quick hang-up: "Hello, I'm calling from...." click. Done. I use this when I'm in a hurry.

Wrong Number: I feel especially justified in using this the 60% of the time or so that they pronounce my name wrong. "Hello, Mr. E-vil Gen-ace?" "I'm sorry, there's no one here by that name." Click.

We've already got one: "Thermal windows? Oh, I'm sorry, we just had those done last week. Yep, roofing and siding too." This is stolen from the Monty Python and the Holy Grail line I remember from 20-some years ago: "We seek the Holy Grail." "Go away, you English pig-dogs, we've already got one."

We're in that business: This my wife's favorite -- "What a coincidence, my husband installs windows for a living! Yep, roofing and siding too."

Cheech and Chong: "Like wow, man, did you say windows? That's sounds reeeaallly cool, man. I mean, did you ever, like, really look at a window? It's, like, there, but it's not there, y'know what I mean?" (laugh hysterically for about a minute) "Oh man, I think I wet myself. Hey, are you hungry? Man, I can't believe how hungry I am. Let's see if we've got any munchies, OK?"

No comprende: There are several variations to this one. For the first one, memorize a sentence in another language, for example: "Mi perro tiene vario cientos pulgas" (my dog has several hundred fleas) or "La sopa fornida ha estallado en mi horno de microonda" (chunky soup has exploded in my microwave oven). It works; if the telemarketer doesn't speak the other language, he/she will give up. If they do, they'll realize you're a lunatic, say things you won't understand, and you'll hang up. Another approach I learned from the grandmother of one of my son's friends. She is Chinese, and apparently only knows two English words: Hello and bye-bye. My son will be over her house visiting her grandson, and I'll call to let him know what time I'm picking him up:

Grandma: "He-llo"
Me: "Hello, this is Devon's father, may I speak with him please?"
Grandma: "He-llo"

and so on until someone else in their family takes the phone away from her.

The crisis:  Put the phone down on the table, scream "Oh my god! He's got a knife!" or similar, make sounds of a scuffle, etc. Eventually they'll hang up. Either that or they'll call 911 and you'll feel a little foolish later. The really good ones could call back later and say things like "Did you know our quadruple-pane windows are 70% safer than typical household windows?" But let's face it, if they're that good, why the hell are they working as telemarketers and putting up with all this abuse?

The pervert: No, I've never done this, and I don't advocate it. A friend of mine gave me this one, he says it is very effective:

Telemarketer: "Hello, I'm calling from...."
You: (breathe heavily)
Telemarketer: "...thermo-gourd windows, and..."
You: "What are you wearing right now?"

Seriously, I wouldn't do that one (although, is it really an obscene phone call when they call you?), especially after the time the telemarketer asked to speak to my son, y'know what I mean?

So (breathing heavily): what's your favorite technique for dealing with telemarketers? Email me.