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 		What the Oilers will be holding in 2000! Go Oilers Go! The Pipeline Let's go Oilers! What the Oilers will be holding in 2000!

Why the Stars will not win the Cup in 2001

September 28, 2000

- By Phil Austin

 The Dallas Stars, much to my chagrim, faltered in the Stanley Cup finals last year. Now for many people, this wouldn't matter an incredible amount. But to me, the guy who has made it his purpose to spread hatred for the Dallas Stars wherever I go, and ridicule the problems that they all face, their overtime loss to the New Jersey Devils was heaven.

Again, the popular opinion is to predict the Stars to threaten for Lord Stanley's mug. I'm not here so much to criticize another's work, but I do want to dispell some of the facts presented in ESPN.com's defending of the Dallas Stars by George Johnson. (George Johnson writes for a Calgary newspaper, so we'll account the automatic drop in IQ points by 15) (snicker)

In the past few years, the Dallas Stars have transitioned well from being a very old team to having a nice mix and balance similar to the New Jersey Devils. To borrow a quote from Mr. Johnson's column: "...in the past two seasons, oldies such as Guy Carbonneau, Brian Skrudland, Doug Lidster, Dave Reid, Benoit Hogue and Craig Ludwig have either retired or been cast off.", important role players have moved on. Carbonneau was the most important of the significant emigrators because of the benefits his age provided the team. Having won 3 Stanley Cups and being the NHL's oldest player carries a lot of weight with the younger players and his unquestionable skill in the faceoff circle will be missed. Benoit Hogue was another player who lifted his game come playoff time. In 1998, with Edmonton threatening to upset the Stars again in their second round series, Benoit took charge of the series with 3 clutch goals in games 3 and 4 to deflate the Oilers. Brian Skrudland and Dave Reid were also players who contributed in the ways that only defensive veterans could. So, if the Stars fortè for winning the Cup 2 years ago was a result of their age and experience, wouldn't the relinquishing of crucial spots from veterans to rookies have a detrimental effect?

Anyways, enough of me being serious. I know what all you surfers out there expect when you visit The Pipeline. You want to see dirty, compromising pictures of Tiger Woods and his prize-winning horse. No? Well, maybe some good old fashioned Dallas Stars bashing will do the job.

Here's a quick list of why the Stars will not win the Cup:

  • Ed Belfour's New Sponsor - During the 2000/01 season, Ed Belfour will be offered a lucrative sponsorship deal to promote Bud Light. Things go fine after the first magazine spread; Eddie only has a glass of champagne. But in early December, during a commercial shoot, Belfour takes advantage of the clause his agent worked into the contract that entitled him to one free case of Bud Light daily.

    Within 2 hours, the commercial set was on fire, two security guards were dead with broken beer bottles plunged into their chests, and Belfour had offered a Bud Light top executive "a billion dollars" to sleep with him. Belfour is sentenced to death in the State of Texas by abstinence of alcohol.

  • Mike Modano - Another sponsorship deal gone bad, as Modano signs an advertising contract with Cover Girl to promote their new homosexual cosmetics. Modano's capped-teeth, charm and good-looks initially prove the deal to be benefitial to both parties, but in a surprise appearance at Edmonton's "Boystown", Modano is found raped and lying in the dumpster behind the locale. An Edmonton man is later arrested and Modano enters counselling for the next year.

  • Ken Hitchcock - Ken Hitchcock is offered a deal to sponsor Mr. Big, but he tastefully turns it down, quoting that "he was on a diet". Three months after turning down the offer, in February Hitchcock is arrested after holding up a 7-11 in Detroit, but never makes his escape as he is found by the police in the ice-cream freezer passed out with 14 empty tubs lying around him.

  • Sergei Zubov - Zubov is hospitalized and is in critical care until late August after his new girlfriend beats him silly with a crowbar. After waking, he finds out that his abusive girlfriend was a member of a renegade feminist group that takes revenge on woman-beaters.

  • Brendan Morrow - After impregnating Guy Carbonneau's daughter, a road trip that takes the Stars through Montreal ends up with Morrow and Carbonneau in jail. The unsuspectingly friendly Montreal police are stupid enough to put them in the same jail cell, and they both murder each other. Carbonneau's daughter cashes in on the insurance settlements from Morrow and Guy and moves to Hawaii.

  • Dallas Stars - After the crippling loss of their key playes, the Dallas Stars plummet in the standings and Brett Hull demands a trade. He is accomodated and shipped to the Minnesota Wild. Jere Lehtenin is found in the team showers after another mid-season loss with his wrists cut open and dead.

    Mark my words, the Dallas Stars are going absolutely nowhere. And if my Edmonton Oilers cannot win the Cup this year, the consolation prize of Dallas not winning it is fine for me!
    Agree, disagree? Talk about it on the message board.