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Oilers Hitlist
June 28, 2000- By Phil Austin
The Edmonton Oilers are about to embark on another new season. From a fan's standpoint, the obvious goals are to make the playoffs and do some damage. The little things, however, that go overlooked are the players that we need to defeat, upstage, anger or pummel to the ground. Here's Edmonton's Hitlist for the 2000/01 season.
1. Donald Brashear - I've been involved in many an arguement with many people over who the Number 1 Enforcer in the league is. The collective opinion outside of Edmonton is Donald Brashear. I, for one, cannot see why. Georges Laraque is the best fighter in the league, bar-none. Brashear won't fight the guy. Derian Hatcher runs to the bench with his tail between his legs when Laraque is on the ice, and Rob Ray suffered a humiliation in 1999 at the hands of Laraque. Georges needs to lay the arguments to rest on who's the better fighter when they tangle for the first time this year.
2. Derian Hatcher - I certainly haven't forgotten Hatcher's late cheapshot on little Todd Marchant in game 2 of last year's playoffs. Nor have I forgotten Hatcher's mauling of Jeremy Roenick late in the 1998/99 season. What we need to do is trade for Bryan Marchment, and have him take out Hatcher's knees. I'll be laughin the whole way when that happens.
3. Ray Bourque - Before the Avalanche traded for Ray, we were in 1st place in the Northwest by 6 points. After having traded Sandis Ozolinsh to the Hurricanes, running Bourque will not only stall Colorado's only offensive d-man, but help to secure our seat on the Northwest Throne. Maybe we should go for the guy who traded for him...
3.(b)Pierre Lacroix - Let's get Jason Arnott back into an Edmonton uniform, and let his wild cannon go from the point. Maybe he'll skyrocket it into the pressbox and knock some of Pierre's teeth out.
4. Peter Forsberg - Ape-face needs to be taught a serious lesson. I'm so sick and tired of hearing the reviews of this guy. Everyone says that he's "impossible to knock off the puck". If that's the case, then why does he seem to fall so much? What the Oilers need to do is keep their sticks on the ice when he falls so that he'll hit one of the blades and pop his grotesquely-enormous jaw back into place.
5. Patrick Roy - Gawd, if he bobs his head and whacks his stick against the post one more time, I'm gonna freak. What us fans need to do is hurl questions at him just as he's bobbing his head. The following will do just fine:
Hey Patrick, are you gay? (nod)
Roy, do Forsberg and Hejduk get it on in the showers? (nod)
Would you like us to kick your ass? (nod)
Should we pour beer down Bob Hartley's back? (nod)
Do you molest your dog, whom you've so aptly named Deadmarsh? (nod)
Is there a cucumber up your butt right now? (nod)
Hear that Oiler fans? We've got to get him to admit the truth!
6. Glen Sather - Quote: "The Rangers are destroying hockey with their outragrous salaries". Hypocrite. I don't think I need to say much more than that.
7. Mike Modano - Maybe Jason Arnott will take that loose cannon of his and put this pretty-boys capped teeth out. Yuck, those teeth make me sick. Pretty-boy.
8. Ken Hitchcock - This is more of a service than a damning, but we've got to take the fork out his mouth. From one Edmontonian to another... Nahhh... Let's barbecue him.
9. Ed Belfour - We'll take the liquor-pig and tie him up. Then we'll put a funnel down his mouth and keep pouring the booze down until he can't take any more. Then we'll pour some more. I want to hear him say, "I'll give you a billion dollars to stop!!!"
10. The cities of Vancouver and Calgary - They're starting to nip at our heels, and let's shoot the dog before they can bite us. Down boy, down.