Welcome to Stuart's Joke Page
MEAT DISHES
1 Bol Ox Hot meat balls 2 Sur Kum Sihz Sausage slices 3 Hol Mein Kok Scrag end encased in ladyfingers 4 Kor Sor Rolled pork fillets rubbed in chile powder 5 Eja Ku Lait Shaft of mutton in white cream sauce 6 Long Dik Coq in van 7 Veri Ti Rin Massive extrusion of forcemeat
VEGETABLES
8 Wan Kin Bamboo shoots 9 Tossof Chinese leaves 10 Wot Kung Fu Dat Tossed salad 11 Sik in Lu Sweet and sour in hot sauce 12 Pu Bik Young sprouts 13 Sik In Lu Extra number 2 14 Du Reks Entre coat 15 Hoo Pong In Car See Yellow rice with meat droppings 16 Hoo Kum On Mat Thick white rice on ryebread
SAUCES
17 Pei Sol Cantonese drippings 18 Sei Men Drip Delicately flavoured white rice 19 Yu Kum Hot custard
SPECIALITIES
20 Lik Mein Plate of the day 21 Fug Yu Chinese toast 22 Munth Lei Popular dish of the period 23 Kow Foo Savoury pancakes 24 Dogie Bagg Chinese takeaway 25 Ho Mo Sausage surprise 26 Bo Gee Pick of the week
DESERTS
27 Vee Dee Spotted dick 28 Kum In Yu Cream squirts 29 Yu Pong Crap suzette 30 Kum Lots Extra portion of cream 31 Ars Pik Chocolate fingers 32 Hoo Shat In Fann Chocolate spread 33 Or Jee Chinese stuffing on a bed of mandarins 34 Es Kie Mo Kum Frosted banana cream 35 Tu Tun On Goo Lies Crushed nuts 36 Wun Hung Low Mixed nuts 37 Di Rere Chinese afters in an aromatic brown sauce 38 Hu Pong Chinese snifters 39 Kwik Wank Cream slice
Beverages
40 Yu Rine Jasmine tea 41 Wob Li Tit Milk shake
| ? | |||
| 1 | Drinking fails to give any satisfaction or taste. | Mouth not opening while drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. | Buy another pot and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as pots as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. |
| 2 | Drinking fails to give any satisfaction or taste. Beer unusually pale and clear. | Glass empty. | Find someone who will buy you another pot. |
| 3 | Feet cold and wet. | Glass being held at wrong angle. | Turn glass the other way so that the open end is pointing upwards. |
| 4 | Feet warm and wet. | Loss of self control. | Go and stand next to the nearest dog, after a while complain bitterly to the owner and demand a pot in compensation. |
| 5 | Bar blurred. | You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass. | See remedy number 2. |
| 6 | Bar swaying. | Air turbulence unusually high - may be due to darts match in progress. | Insert broom handle down back of jacket. |
| 7 | Bar moving. | You are being carried out. | Find out if you are being taken to another pub. If not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked. |
| 8 | You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and drinking has a light fitting in it. | You have fallen over backwards. | If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar. |
| 9 | Everthing has gone dim and you have a mouthful of fag ends and broken teeth. | You have fallen over forwards. | See remedy number 6. |
| 10 | You feel sharp pains in your rear. | You are standing too close to the pool table. | Ask to have the pool table moved. |
| 11 | Everthing is going dark. | The pub is closing. | (a) Panic.
(b) Go find another pub. (c) Rush off to the bottle shop. |
| 12 | You wake up and find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. | You've spent the night in the gutter. | Check your watch to see if it is opening time. If not treat yourself to a lie-in. |
| Element | Woman |
| Symbol | Wo |
| Discoverer | Adam |
| Atomic Mass | Accepted at 53.6kg but known to vary from 40 - 200kg |
| Occurences | Copious quantities in all urban areas |
| Physical Properties | |
| 2 | Boils at nothing, freezes without known reason |
| 3 | Melts if given special treatment |
| 4 | Bitter if incorrectly used |
| 5 | Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore |
| 6 | Yields if pressure applied in correct places |
| Chemical Properties | |
| 1 | Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones |
| 2 | Aborbs great quantities of expensive substances |
| 3 | May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason |
| 4 | Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol |
| 5 | Most powerful money reducing agent known to man |
| Common Uses | |
| 1 | Highly ornamental especially in sports cars |
| 2 | Very effective cleaning agent |
| Tests | |
| 1 | Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state |
| 2 | Turns green when placed beside a better specimen |
| Hazards | |
| 1 | Highly dangerous except in experienced hands |
| 2 | Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other |
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