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The uncut X-Beacon files August 1999
Outrageous Victorian Jokes Lead To Ghastly Evening At The Institute.Singularly Absurd Christmas To Follow!I am told that the Beacon offices have been deluged with correspondence from outraged readers demanding to know what happened to last month’s PaDS column. (Editor’s note: The ‘deluge’ consisted of seven letters. Two congratulated us on a return to sanity, the other five - all with suspiciously similar handwriting - are currently under investigation) In fact, all last month was taken up with restoring the fabled Quiponitron, The Great Automatic Joke Machine, ready for Victorian Market Day. Tony Gibson, who was in charge of the the legendary team of PaDS technical experts (Joke Engineering Dept), was all confidence, somewhat reminiscent of the mechanic who did my last car service: "No problem, guv. Be ready for the Tuesday before. Just got to replace the fun-belt and adjust the chucklometer." Come the Tuesday before, he diagnosed a sticky chortle return valve: "Happens a lot with the 1885 Quiponitron. Never mind. I’ll have it done for Thursday. " By Thursday, somehow it had all become my fault: "Don’t blame me, mate! It’s the cowboys that serviced it last time. Your joculator’s practically worn through. Should have been changed after 10,000 jokes. And I don’t think these punch lines have ever been touched. No wonder your piston broke" For the briefest nano-second, I considered playing along and delivering one of the most awful punch lines known to man. Happily I resisted the temptation and – to cut a long story short (Please! – Editor) - on Saturday morning, the Great Quiponitron was ready just in time to deliver some truly vintage jokes to an astonished multitude of Painswickian Victorians. Just how astonished can be judged from the comments received: "I can’t believe I just paid 50p for a joke like that…!" "I’m amazed you can get away with it…!" "I never thought I’d ever hear that joke again…!" "You cannot be serious…!" Anyway, Victorian Day was a sunny, funny successful day. Congratulations to all concerned. Now for a frightening vision of the future. On Saturday, 30th October, PaDS is planning a truly ghastly evening at the Institute… a macabre miscellany of ghostly tales and eerie drama for Halloween. It’s much too scary to put on for more than a single night, so take care not to miss it! On the subject of singular performances, we have now cast the PaDS Christmas play: Absurd Person Singular by Alan Ayckbourn (2nd, 3rdand 4th December at the Institute). This is a typically ingenious, incisive Ayckbourn comedy set over three successive Christmases. It tells the tale of the rise and fall of three couples, whose contrasting lives intertwine at pre-Christmas drinks parties. Incidentally, the play calls for three separate fully functioning kitchens. I see another triumph for that team of PaDS technical experts (Plumbing Dept). Already, they are assuring me that it’ll "all be ready for the Tuesday before…" Huh! Have you ever tried to get a plumber over Christmas? Jack Burgess, PaDS |
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