| Friday, November 29th, 2002
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5:45p Rather decent day. I wanted to just sleep it all away...but couldn't. I still have this knot in my stomach. I think it might actually just be too a combination of alcohol, caffeine, and WAY too many cigarettes. I've been smoking like a chimney the past several days...like a pack a day. That's really not good. Trying to fill my life with those vices is a bad bad thing. I've sweared off mass quantities of alcohol...hang overs suck ass and i don't want to have 'em anymore! Not to mention losing control of myself and my emotions when I'm drunk... Anyway. I couldn't sleep past 9AM or so. I read for a bit, ran some errands...got cash for Pj tickets tomorrow (wahoo!), other stuff. D and I went exploring a bit today too. Went to the Katsuren Castle ruins and another island off oki, connected by bridge. Picking up the developed pictures tomorrow and hope to post some soon. Was supposed to be diving right now but I didn't cement the plans and now my dive buddy is either already uner water and won't answer his cell phone. Oh well...firmer plans were made to do a night dive anyway so no worries. Finishing up my advanced certifcation tomorrow. One deep dive in the morning (only @ 100feet...not deep at all to me! lol), a break (in which time I get PJ TICKETS!!!! wahoo!) and then a night dive. After that it's just the written a exam and I will FINALLY, after three months of delays and all sorts of mishaps, be NAUI Advanced Diver Certified. Go me! "Gonna rock you like a Hurricane." lol Thanksgiving dinner was nice. I had to fight the hangover off (still! the same one from 3am that morning! god i was just SOOOOOOOOOO drunk) but was able to make it to my NCOICs home. Food was delish. I have a plate of leftovers in the fridge actually...would be eating it right now if D hadn't wanted to stop at McDonald's on the way home. I have to get the binanual Japanese Compulsory Insurance inspection and repairs to pass it next week. What an exciting week it's going to be what with Monday and then...that. Yay for me! Living in okinawa...i love the weather here. I am wearing shorts and a T-shirt right now! the water temperature is between 70 and 80 degrees year round. THe rain is almost always warm and invigorating. The sunsets are beautiful...the island is teaming with flora...green jungles year round. I will miss this place...i'll miss it a lot. But you know what...I miss home more. I hate not being with my family for the holidays. Christmas sucked ass last year and I'm sure it will again. There is a lot of consolation in knowing I won't be alone next year though :) current mood: decent
6:56p - Greatness!
I'm *excited* to be getting therapy now! I feel good about myself. I feel high! self-understanding is the drug of choice! I'm beginning to see how this all ties into my college days. When i was suicidal and never got counseling. When i was so proud of myself for being strong and living through it all. and seeing how I was not strong...i was just substituting reasons for life! I was substiting a meaningful fullfillment for a troubled one. I've never really recoved from that time in my life. I took my pain and found i could subdue it by reaching out to others, to going on a quest for love. I found that if i obsessed over love, I could love myself and find joy in life. So fast forward about five years and it's all so clear to me now...how my obsession and troubled method of fullfillment has always caused me to go to extreme lengths...joining the service when I was once so adamantly against it. Going to concert after concert after concert. Spending countless dollars on experiencing all there was to life...just to feel fulfilled. Spending dollar after dollar on recording equipment, so i could take my obsession over live music to new lengths...and being so impatient, blunt, and overeager when i found this new girl...and then why i just couldn't let go. I feel so whole again, so happy, so full of hope. I don't know how to really explain it further. I know now that I CAN love in a functional way. I CAN overcome my problems and someday have a true relationship built on a MUTUAL love. I can live a meaningful life without love too. Wow. just...wow. I can't wait to see a therapist now. I want to feel like this all the time! OK...now i gotta go. I'm going diving! and I WANT to go, I am excited about diving again! wahoo! life just feels so much better now. current mood: excited
banzooken 2002-11-29 02:16 Perfect. Hope. Thats how I felt about therapy. Even though in the end she decided
she couldnt help and I needed to be medicated. I'm not yet. Feh *shrugs*
*note - I am much too hyper...
Okay, seriously though...I am really glad your eyes are opening and that you feel so open and excited about getting therapy. This will make a WORLD of difference! Great things are ahead, Glen. tahiriwolf
corniecorn
ice_of_niflheim
greeneyed_devil
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