Well seeing as how I flushed all my alcohol down the toilet a few days ago (including the one single beer I had in the fridge still!), and haven't had so much as a single drop of alcohol for nearly a week now, and not so much as a total of three beers the week before my flushing...I quite easily discontinued that habit.

Moments of happiness. Not drinking has helped tremendously. I've had to mostly self medicate my issues ever since i broke down to the chaplain and made had my first appointment, but it's been a non medication sort of medication...does that make any sense? Sure, I'm carring a huge weight of guilt around my neck still...but it doesn't hurt to remember moments of happiness from my trip and I'm not having as much pain about moving on alone.

I was alone before. I am alone now. It's just something I have to live with. 

So of course I can't sleep and I'm back up here typing away, smoking another long stream of cigarettes. I bought a carton a few days ago...the first time I've bought a whole carton in years. Yeah...i want to stop...it's just gonna wait till at earliest this time next month.

I wrote to jen a few nights ago that I was happy just then...that I thought I was finally getting over the heartache end of my problems. I didn't want to post it because I wasn't really sure...

Well I'm still not completely positive but I think I was right. I've been looking back in my memory, listening to some audible memories...and it doesn't hurt like it used to. I actually find myself smiling in fact. This is a good thing. I'm still not up to emailing her to see if she's still got our chat logs...partly because that might be TOO much, and because I haven't had any contact with her since tuesday (which didn't, for once, go badly)...and there's a no contact order I've placed on myself that I need to uphold indefinately now...

I went and read her journal tonight...the recent entries that have been public at least...and again...i didn't come away crying, or hating myself, or with any negative or obsessive energy at all. Another good sign. I know that doing that was probably a bad idea...but I've been feeling better and I needed to know if it was because I was starting to forget her or because I was really getting over her...

I know now that it's not because I'm forgetting her.

I think I can go at least another week before I go back to her journal...and i think I can uphold my no contact order now...

I can't sleep and it's not because I can't stop thinking about her this time. I can put that out of my mind actually...there's just this little creak coming from somewhere, added to a lot of caffeine I've had today...driving me batty.

lol

it's going to be a very busy week next week. I've got a lot of military and personal things going on. Jump, car inspection, therapy, meetings, and i have to go to the computer shop again...I got a new chip and some extra ram today (i splurged on myself) only to find the processor is defective. Grrrr.

I feel like I've made so much progress with my issues on my own this last week. I sort of wonder how much more good therapy is going to be at this point...but I am still going. There's a lot more to all of this than I think I'm aware of. There's a lot more to this than just *understanding* the problem.

Dan moved out on his own again yesterday. He got that car and his own computer. I'm so excited for him. Things are finally going well for him and he seemed so happy when we chatted this morning. I just wish I could have figured out wth was wrong with my webcam. lol. He's the only one I use it with. 

current mood:  awake
current music: Sigur Ros 
 

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