A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.

She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"Yes sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?

"She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs," No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs," What do you mean $200!?"
"About this test I did on you, I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that you have 24 hours to live."
The man cries, "If that is the bad news, then what could possibly be worse news?"
"I couldn't get you yesterday."

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,
"Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried,
"Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five year old boy who picks that momentto throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously andkick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in a Marine uniform isseen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with anupraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and,motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietlyfastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneousapplause.
As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin
attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she asks quietly,"but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot'swings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me tothrow one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

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