Britticisms

- Liz

"In which I try to make politics interesting."

• The simple bit:
  England is divided up into sections called Constituencies. In each constituency you vote for your MP (or Member of Parliament), who will belong to one of the political parties. If, for example, in one constituency the majority of votes are for the Labour candidate, this candidate will become MP for that constituency. All the MPs come together to form Parliament, where laws are debated and voted on. If the majority of MPs are, as now, Labour, the leader of the Labour party will become Prime Minister, who is in charge. Election must be held every 5 years, but the Prime Minister can call an election at any time. Any British Citizen over the age of 18 has the right to vote.

  The Story so far…
  Britain endured 11 years of Conservative rule under the "Iron Lady" Margaret Thatcher, the first (and so far, only) female Prime Minister, followed by seven years under the insipid John Major. Maggie was quite popular, but the terrible economy, high unemployment, and trouble within the party led to the "honest but dull" John Major taking over leadership. He was Prime Minister for five years after that, up until 1997.

  It is worth mentioning Neil Kinnock, the Labour leader at the time, just because it's funny. A few days before the 1992 election Kinnock, at a mass rally in Sheffield, jumped up on the stage grinning as if he had already won, and yelled and punched the air. The infuriatingly smug performance prompted voters to go out and punch him in the face by re-electing the Tories. He had obviously thought he had it in the bag, but many people believe that that single performance lost him more votes than anything else during the campaign. However, The Sun's famous front page which showed Neil Kinnock's face plastered across a light bulb, with the words "If Kinnock wins today, will the last person to leave Britain please turn out the lights?" is also worth a mention. They certainly boasted that it was "The Sun wot won it" for Major.

  In 1997 voters, tired of 18 years of the Tories, flocked to the polls, eager to vote in the tantalisingly named New Labour, and bring in a new era of British politics.

  Labour: The Reigning Champions.
  I think the main problem with Tony Blair is that he's far too easy to impersonate. He has this cheesy grin, and big ears, and he speaks in a very distinctive sort of way. I think the most important thing for a Prime Minister is to be really average looking, so the impressionists fail. (Then again, John Major was fairly ordinary, but they just portrayed him as dull. And, after one incident when he apparently had his vest tucked into his underwear, the cartoonists drew him with his underwear outside his trousers. Poor man, he just couldn't win.)

  Blair's rule has had some high-lights, but it was his many gaffes that the press have sensationalised. The election in 2001 was a foregone conclusion, with Labour re-elected despite the lowest voter turnout for 80 years. The war in Iraq two years later seems to have been the single event that turned most voters away from Blair. (Another problem with Blair is that his name can easily be misspelled as Tony B. Liar, a popular slogan for anti-war supporters.)

  Now he's running for his third term and many of his recent policies have made him unpopular with voters. The fox-hunting ban, University top-up fees (extra money required of the richer students in order to keep the university running), and the controversy over the WMDs (or noticeable lack thereof) are all things that have contributed to voters becoming disillusioned. He and his admirable Chancellor (who is in charge of the economy), Gordon Brown, who's been working on re-distribution of wealth, have apparently been disputing recently (Gordon wants leadership of the party, but so does Tony.)

  But in these crucial pre-election weeks they've been putting on an amiable public face, and have even produced a horrifically sentimental publicity film of the two of them chatting away merrily, looking just like the best of friends. Strangely enough, the Tories contemplated the election slogan "Vote Blair Get Brown" before scrapping it because it was actually not a bad prospect. Another problem I have is Tony Blair is his grammar. His election slogan is "Britain Forward Not Back." It doesn't even have a verb. Appalling for someone whose priority is "Education, education, education." Recently at an election rally someone who was holding a Labour poster had his hand obscuring the D, making it read "Britain For War Not Back" which I think is more appropriate.

  But, for all his flaws (and there are many), Blair isn't a bad politician, and Labour itself is probably the best option overall. People have been toying with the Lib Dems, and some have even deferred to Conservative, but he's still ahead in the polls, and a third term of Labour wouldn't honestly be too bad.

  Conservative: The Opposition.
  Michael Howard is creepy. He's a really creepy man. The last two Conservative leaders have been quite fairly bald and harmless. They both, actually, were in power for one term, lost the election, and resigned. Let's hope Howard fulfils this time-honoured tradition. The Conservative politician Anne Widdecombe once famously said of Michael Howard that he had "something of the night" about him. The satirists immediately picked up on that, and now he is more often than not portrayed as a vampire in parodies. This opens up endless possibilities for mocking. When Tony Blair wrote a letter to the readers of "The Mirror" everyone was eager to know if Michael Howard would also be appearing in The Mirror. The answer was that, of course, he was not.

  But, putting Michael Howard aside for now, another gripe I have with the Tories is their election campaign. The Conservatives' five main policies are Lower taxes, School Discipline, Cleaner Hospitals, More police on the streets, and Controlled Immigration, which are fine, but "Are you thinking what we're thinking?" is not a good election slogan. It's smug, and stupid. And, no, we're not thinking what you're thinking, unless you're thinking "Don't vote us in!" And the posters they've put up. One says, "I mean, how hard can it be to keep a hospital clean?" I know what they're trying to say, but they just sound ignorant. It might not be hard to keep one hospital clean, yes, but try the whole country.

  Liberal Democrats: The Alternative.
  The first thing to be said about the Lib Dems is that they're not Labour or Conservative. This alone is enticing many disillusioned voters who don't want a Tory government. Their results have been slowly creeping up over the last few elections, but they're still about ten points behind the Conservatives. However, it's not inconceivable that, in a few more years, if Labour and the Conservatives keep making mistakes, the Liberal Democrats could become a viable alternative. At the moment, though, they're still the underdog.

  The Liberal Democrats have three main policies: scrapping tuition fees and top-up fees for university students, providing free personal care for the elderly, and replacing the council tax with a local income tax. No, I have no idea what the last one is about, but it apparently means less money for rich people. They've also pledged "Never again" in regard to the war in Iraq. Charles Kennedy (again, easy to impersonate with his red hair and Scottish accent) recently had a baby boy. It was terrible timing, right in the middle of his election campaign, (and little baby Donald Kennedy is the first child born to a party leader during an election campaign in living memory) but after a few days with the baby, he has returned to the campaign looking a bit tired and worn out. The betting shop Ladbrokes has given Charles and Donald the same odds to become Prime Minister – 100/1.

  Labour and Liberal Democrat supporters have joined together in a system of "tactical voting" in order to keep the Conservatives out. For example, in a constituency where the Tories and the Lib Dems were very close, but Labour had a small minority, a Labour supporter might vote Liberal Democrat so as not to waste their vote and leave the way open for the Tories. This "Lib-Lab" tactic shows that the two parties aren't so different.

  It is also worth mentioning:

• The Monster Raving Loony Party.
• This joke party (who actually do run in every election) have policies that include:
• We will issue a 99p coin to save on change.
• We will invite all Europeans countries to JOIN THE POUND.
• Tax credits will be paid to nice people. There will be a "total bastard" tax for everyone else.

<-- Domestic Abuse Law Won't Throw You Out

Clothing Conspiracy-->