MY LIFE - JANUARY 2004

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

His emotions were all over the place. What he had just experienced was beyond what any person should have to go through. Part of him was still trying to sort out what had just happened to him in the last week.

---

It had started with Melissa, his girlfriend. She had called him and told him that she needed to see him right away. He sensed some urgency in her voice, but didn't know what it was all about. He then hurried over to her house to find out what she wanted to speak to him about. Her body language gave nothing away, but her actions of late seemed to point towards one obvious conclusion.

He had felt that she had been distant from him, breaking off dates and not calling him as much. He knew that she liked to spend time with her friends, but never before had she ever gone a day without calling him. Now though, it seemed she didn't want to call him at all and didn't seem the least bit concerned when he would voice his displeasure.

At times it almost felt like she didn't want anything to do with him, but then just when he felt it was all slipping away, she'd call him, invite him over, and they'd sleep together like everything was perfectly fine. Then she'd stop talking to him again. He began to feel like he was some sort of sex toy to her, good for that and nothing else. Even the sex had slowed down though.

He looked upon her face that day and felt that it was all about to end for them. He saw no love in her eyes, just emptiness. Then she spoke.

"Dave, you know that we've been together a long time now, almost a year," she said. "You know how much you mean to me and I've always felt that you've done everything to treat me well."

He looked at her, but said nothing.

"You know that I've felt lost lately. Things haven't been going the way I thought they would and I haven't been able to balance my social life and you like I wanted to. You probably feel neglected and I'm sorry. I really am."

He still said nothing, but now looked away from her, trying to hide the hurt in his eyes.

"I will always love you no matter what happens, but I need to be alone for a while and figure out what I want out of life. I need to decide if I want to stay here and be with you, or move out of state and start fresh."

He stood silently, several thoughts coursing through his mind. He then looked up and finally spoke.

"If you love me, then why is there a chance that it will be over between us?" he asked.

"Because you know I can't take you with me, I can't pull you away from what you have here," she answered, her eyes starting to become red.

"What does it matter?" he asked. "If you really feel strongly towards me, why can't you even ask me?"

"Dave, you have family here. You have friends that care more about you than mine ever will. You have things here that I don't have. All I have is you," she responded, her voice growing.

"Isn't that enough?"

"I wish it was, but it's not," she said.

He was trying to fight the despair that was building in him, but he was starting to feel it was hopeless.

For weeks she had been talking of moving away, simply because her mother was moving and she would have nowhere to live. She had said she didn't want to put the burden on him to try and let her live with him and had hoped to find some sort of living arrangement.

That arrangement had not been made. If anything, Melissa had alienated herself from her friends by ignoring them, yelling at them, and generally treating them like they meant nothing to her. Slowly, they had all started to turn on her. He was starting to think it was more because of her attitude then anything else because she was now doing the same to him.

"Do you know what you're going to do at this point?" he asked.

"No," she said, "but I'm going to think hard about it. Just give me some space and I'll let you know what I decide at the end of the week."

With that, he had turned and left, no goodbye, no hug, nothing. Just emptiness as he walked to his car. He felt her eyes on him, but did not turn around. He couldn't, not without crying.

He had been in other relationships before, but this was the first time he had fallen so deeply in love with a girl. He thought she was just as much in love with him as well, at least she said so. They were practically inseparable, always calling each other, and taking every chance to see one another. Until summer had started, they hadn't gone a day apart from each other since they started dating several months ago. Now he was lucky to see her once a week.

He had driven back to his place with a heavy heart. He knew what she was going to decide. He also knew if she decided to move, it would be quick, and he probably wouldn't know of it until after the fact.

He was startled to hear his phone ring at that moment though. It was Melissa.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hey," she started, "when I make my decision, you'll know what I decided by how I give you the decision. If I show up at your door at the end of the week, I'm staying and want to live with you. If there's an envelope, then I've already left and will not be coming back. It's the only way I can do this right now. Goodbye."

Before he could respond, she had hung up.

Over the course of the week, he was in constant turmoil. He kept thinking back to when she had taken that vacation to North Carolina a month ago. She had come back seeming different then. He was starting to think that maybe she had met someone there, someone she felt could help make it worth the decision. After all, why else would she not be willing to live with him, no questions asked?

It didn't make sense to him at all and he felt anger starting to build in him. He had given so much to her, put so much into this relationship, he couldn't fathom her just up and leaving him, yet claiming to still love him. How could she even possibly consider doing this to him? His mind was racing and he started to mutter to himself, as he often did when he was upset.

How he was going to make it until the end of the week, he had no idea.

---

She sat down on her bed and looked at the picture of Dave. All over her room were reminders of how much he meant to her. The notes that he had written her just because he was sweet that way. The pictures she had taken of him. She smiled upon looking at them. He wasn't the biggest guy, but he was still cute and he was much nicer than most guys. He wasn't afraid to be himself and that had made all the difference in the world to her.

Her passion for him was strong and was making the decision tough to make. She had nothing here besides him and felt a new start could change her life. She was losing her mother, she had lost her friends, she had started to rationalize losing Dave too. After all, there are plenty of men in the world. There's bound to be one like him somewhere.

She sighed and knew that it wasn't that easy. Never had she met a guy like him before. It was almost love at first sight to her. At least it was lust at first sight. She wanted him from the start and when she finally got him in bed, it had been worth every minute. She knew he was probably wondering why the sex had dropped off, but that was how she was. In the summer, she didn't like to have sex as much. There were a lot of things that were different about her in the summer, things that were hard to just explain.

Dave had done something to her though. She never had felt the need to settle down before, but now she was starting to feel it. She still wanted to go out, but she was starting to think that partying all the time wasn't what she really wanted. She had been perfectly happy just with Dave and no one else.

She wondered how she was going to live without him nearby.

As the week bore on, she thought about all the things that were going to factor into her decision. More than once she wanted to pick up her phone and call Dave, but she knew that would accomplish nothing. He was probably not going to be easy to talk to and would only hurt his cause. No, she needed to do this herself.

As she packed and as the days went by, she was still back and forth. Just when she thought she wanted to stay, something reminded her of why she didn't want to. Then when she felt she wanted to go, Dave's face popped in her mind and she couldn't possibly imagine being without him. It was starting to feel hopeless and time was running short.

Before she knew what happened, before she could make a solid decision, Friday came around and it was time to finalize things. Already she was packed and ready to go, the movers were on their way with a van, and she was just a decision away from her future.

An hour later, the van had arrived and her belongings were being moved into it. The driver then asked if she was ready to go and knew where she was going. She had initially come to a decision, but a lone picture of Dave on her floor suddenly made her emotional. A tear dropped from her eye and the driver asked if she needed some more time. She nodded yes and walked outside.

She looked around at what she was living and thought about where she might be going. She then let out a sigh and made the toughest decision she had ever made in her life.

---

Dave lay in his bed even though it was approaching noon. He felt weak and completely unsure of what was going to happen. He knew that he was going to know soon enough what Melissa had decided, but to him, she was already gone. He looked at her picture and felt the emotions start to flow inside of him.

Then there was a knock. He quickly sprang out of bed, threw a shirt on, and ran to the door. Any hope that he had been feeling inside was quickly departed upon opening the door. There was no one there. At his feet was a pink envelope.

He picked it up and felt a crushing feeling upon his chest. Already he felt as if his heart was being torn out of him and flung aside like it was nothing. He shut the door and slowly walked over to the couch in the main room. He sat down, looked at the envelope, but did nothing. He couldn't bring himself to open it, much less read it.

After a few moments, he finally turned it around. He saw his name written neatly on the other side and felt the tears starting to flow. Never had he cried over a woman before, but with her already as good as gone from his life, he was sad. He slowly opened up the envelope and pulled out a piece of paper. It was folded over carefully so that he could not see the contents without unfolding it.

He then opened it and began to read. Another tear dropped down and landed on the envelope. A smile started to appear, then disappear. Then a look of confusion appeared upon his face. He could not believe what he was reading.

"Dave,

I know that you're probably feeling sad, upset, and hurt. I want you to know that you are the most incredible man I've ever known and I could never forget you even if I tried. You have been so good to me that I don't feel I ever deserved you, yet I feel we were brought together for a reason. I also feel these events are happening for a reason too. I feel lost here sometimes and the call of something new is very strong. It has nothing to do with another man, as you might be suspecting, nor is it anything you've done. No, it's something I've just been feeling, a sense of loss. Without you, I would've been gone a long time ago, yet you keep me from completely packing up and moving away. My love for you is that strong.

You probably already think that I'm long gone by now, that you're just another memory. I'm sorry that I've put you through all of this, and I'm sorry you probably feel alone, but I had to do this myself. I had to decide what I was going to do without you or anyone else.

You are a wonderful man, someone I could never stop loving. There is one more thing that I need to ask you to do before you get too upset. When you're done reading this, go and open your door.

Love,
Melissa

Confused, Dave put the letter down and went to his door. Upon opening it, he received the shock of his life. There, standing on the other side was Melissa, and the look on her face did not conjure up images of happiness. She almost seemed mad.

"What took you so long?" she asked. "The movers don't have all day and if I'm going to live with you, my stuff needs to be in here, not out there!"

She then smiled and pulled him in for a hug. As they embraced, he felt his emotions go through the roof, yet something was needed to be said.

"Why do you put me through shit like this?" he asked.

"Because I love you and I always will," she answered. "Besides, you're so damn gullible with me." She smiled again.

The rest of the afternoon was spent moving furniture into his apartment and setting it up. He still wasn't quite sure of all that had happened, but he knew that he was happy in the end.

And that's all that mattered to him.