MY LIFE - JANUARY 2004

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

About two weeks ago I wrote an entry that was in story form. In it, I told the story of a guy who was on the verge of losing the girl he was in love with because she didn't feel like she belonged where she was. I tried to portray a sense of anguish and uncertainty on both ends. It ultimately ended with her choosing to stay with him and not move away, which of course, was the happy ending.

There was some serious consideration to end it completely different. In fact, the original version ended with her moving away, leaving only a letter saying goodbye. I would then try to go into detail on the emotions of both as the decision and its ramifications became clear. I still may write that version of the story, but I'm not sure yet.

The reason behind this entry is pretty simple in origin. It's the summary of what happened to the relationship I had with Megan before she moved away this past summer. Now mind you we had broken up before she moved, but the story was the same nonetheless.

What you read was basically the version that I had somewhat wished would've come true, although not completely in that aspect. She would not have lived with me in the real life version and it would not have been so sentimental. Megan isn't exactly the most emotional girl after all. That story though was what I could've hoped for if I chose to carry on that way. I could've hoped that she'd stay and that we'd somehow find a way back together.

The story was my way of realizing that dream at least in some form.

It's not to be construed that I wish I could turn back the hands of time and do things over. I still have Megan as a friend, someone I hold very dear to me. The fact that we live some several hundred miles away and still talk about once or twice a week is a testament to the friendship that was forged in the end. The boyfriend/girlfriend aspect was gone before she left, but in a sense, we became best friends instead.

It doesn't affect me either. The easiest thing I could do is sit here and think about how much I want her back, and yes, the situation is inspiration for a lot of the jargon that I write about. It does not reflect a feeling of not being able to let go or anything like that. It's simply me using a situation and turning it into a work of fiction.

Unfortunately, there has been no feedback on this entry. However, that will not stop me from writing future entries in a similar way on different situations. Some of those stories will be influenced by something I've experienced, others will be just random stories. In no way shape or form are any of these stories going to be connected to each other, unless I actually indicate otherwise.

The truth of the matter is I do miss Megan, but in a friendship way. She was so cool to hang out with and I miss that. I miss being able to bullshit with her at 2 in the morning because neither of us could sleep. I miss going into stores and wreaking havoc because none of us can stay out of trouble.

I think what makes this different from other people talking about ex's is that I'm not talking about someone long after we've stopped talking. This isn't a case of me holding on to something that's gone. This is me talking about a person that's still very much a part of my life and will continue to be, unless I somehow manage to piss her off. This is me talking about a girl that I'm still close with, but in a different way than I could ever have imagined.

Yes, I do love her still, but in that friendship way. Somehow, I manage to put up with her and she puts up with me. I do hope for the day when I can go down there and visit her and hang out for a week.

This leads me to something else though. There's a lot of sensitivity it seems when it comes to dealing with people and their ex's. Now me, I have two ex's. One I haven't talked to in months because of an incident that completely freaked me out, the other is Megan. Two girls, two completely different end results.

In one case, I couldn't stand to think about being friends anymore. The other, is just a blast to know and someone I couldn't let go of. For most people though, it seems like they can't stand their ex's and it's a fascinating thing. It's also interesting that a lot of people don't want to hear about another person's ex.

Me? I want to know because I consider something like that a vital part of what makes a girl up. What was good about the relationship? What was bad? Why do you think things went wrong? I like knowing because it gives me a chance to know what I can expect and what I can do to make the girl I'm going to be with happier in the end.

Hell, I'm nosey too, but that's a different story.

I like knowing because it gives me a chance to learn more about the girl and I'm all about learning. The more I know, the better. Now, I'll be the first to respect when a girl doesn't want to talk about it, especially if it seems like it was something particularly painful, but I'll respect you even more if you're willing to open up to me a little bit.

I do realize it's a touchy thing though. Nothing can make a girl turn cold on you quicker than mentioning an ex. This could pose a potential problem each and every time with me because Megan is an ex and a friend still. A lot of girls just don't want to hear about it (though plenty seem willing to talk about their past boyfriends).

There's often a double-standard though. A lot of girls I've talked to recently have been less than friendly about hearing about an ex, yet seem overly willing to talk about their ex or ex's. Now if you know me, you know there are few things I hate more than the double-standard. It bugs the shit out of me when that happens. So I'm usually a little miffed when I talk to a girl and she goes on and on about a guy she was with, but the moment I mention that I talked with Megan last week, she goes dead silent and says she doesn't care.

Wh-huh?

In any case though, the story two weeks ago was a reflection of something I constantly felt while Megan was determining whether or not to move. Ultimately, what I want for everyone I care about is for them to do what makes them happy. If they're happy, that's good enough for me.

Besides, I know there's a girl out there ready to be with me. I'm sure of it.

---

I find it fascinating when a girl can tell me she looks a certain way, shows me pictures of "herself" that are attractive, and can completely come across as a girl who's the hottest thing on the planet.

I'm sorry, but if we're dealing with an internet girl, someone who boasts and brags that much about herself (and shows pictures of girls that don't look the same but are all allegedly of her), there's about an 80% chance that she's lying through her teeth.

I've recently experienced something like this and while I won't mention a name, the girl responsible will probably know that I'm talking about her.

Now, I'm the first to admit that I'll give you chance after chance if you seem like you mean well. I gave this girl chance after chance to show me that she was being honest. Each time, she'd say or do something that would raise doubts about the honesty, whether it be telling me that she was gone somewhere out of her home state during a stretch where I remember talking to her online, or showing me a "new" picture of herself that looked nothing like the last one she gave me. Each time, I was more and more reluctant to even continue to talk to her.

I even looked past some questionable explanations to earlier incidents because I thought maybe there was a chance that she was just trying too hard to impress me.

Well, when you have a webcam and ask me if I want to see it, you better have been up front with how you look the whole way, not because I'll stop talking to you if you're unattractive (which isn't true; however, dating is not an option), but because it only proves that you've been lying.

So imagine my reaction when I see this window pop up. Sitting there is not this hot blonde (or whatever the hell color her hair was supposed to be), but rather this girl who was not at all appealing to me. Now, if this was something I had seen without those pictures and all that bravado, I would've kept talking. In this case though? I just closed the window and ceased communication with the girl for the time being. I smirked a little bit too because something I had been suspecting had been proven. I already knew that I didn't really know what she looked like. The discrepancies in the pictures had already done that. What had been proven was I was dealing with a bonafide liar, someone who was going to say whatever she could to try and keep me interested in her.

Now what I have harped on all along? H-O-N-E-S-T-Y. You can say all you want about how you look, you can show all the pics you want, but if you ain't what you say you are, not only are you going to disappoint, but you're probably going to piss that guy off. I continue to ask what the point is of lying about appearance when trying to get someone online to meet you in person. It's a pretty simple concept. If you lie to me about what you look like, what else are you going to lie about? What do you think I'm going to do when I walk up to your door and see something different from what I thought I was getting? If you chose "walk away" as your answer, you're a genius.

Again, it doesn't even have to do with the way you look. It's that you would lie about it.

It doesn't matter to me what a friend looks like. In a relationship, looks do mean something to me, just as they do to most of us, but when it comes to friendship, it's a moot point.

So once again, the moral of this little escapade is that if you lie to me, don't expect me to respond very well, if I respond to you ever again. Lying's the easiest way to piss me off, and when I'm pissed, I am as far from nice as you can be. I am a real asshole when I'm pissed and rightly so. That's why I don't get mad except when it's a legitimate situation.

To the person that decided to play this game, I hope you enjoy the rest of your life. As it stands, I have no future plans to hold a conversation with you again.

Have a nice day!

---

I don't like inventory time at work. I find it to be a pain in the ass and something that doesn't need to be done four times in the last year. Oh, did I mention that this is the fourth inventory in the last year? Well, in that case, let me start by mentioning this is the fourth inventory in the last year.

*groan*

It wouldn't be if I felt that these were legit inventories. This one was, since it was the financial inventory. But three last year? What the hell? Was someone at corporate bored?

Or did they think that we were bored? As if filling 3000 scripts a week wasn't enough for them. Hey, let's go and count down the pharmacy again! Fun and games for everyone!

Please excuse my attitude. I am in a bit of a mood tonight. It could be because I've had ten hours of sleep in three nights because, well, I have no idea. I just haven't been falling asleep consistently. I'm also worn from listening to all the beeping that was going on today.

I also didn't care for the fact that while on my break in our break room, I had to make a little bit of space for my food because the inventory crew was taking up the whole damn table.

Oh, and just what the hell was that on the table anyway? Looked like a computer from back in the sixties. If that's what they're storing the data in, I can only imagine how the results will look. Supercomputers in business my ass. I thought I had stepped into a time warp for a moment.

Ah, but the most pleasant noise? The sound of a member of the inventory crew asking the question I loathe the most.

In a shrill voice...

"PRICE CHECK IN AISLE (name of aisle) PLEASE!!"

Now try to deal with hearing that thirty times every hour for the five or six hours they are there. Now imagine that on the other side of the product is the price that they need. Imagine the frustration of doing this repeatedly because they couldn't turn the product over.

It's about as fun as stabbing yourself with an icicle. Oh, wait, that sounds like more fun.

If I sound jaded about it, I am. Being the inventory specialist at my store, I have to be present at these inventories whether I like it or not. I like doing the inventory management since I am involved in making sure that the ordering is right, but the inventories make me mad.

Maybe it's because of how many we've done. Usually we only have one a year at best, so the fact that we've had four is a bit much. It's not just the inventory itself, but the process of getting ready. It wears on you because there's so much that needs to be done.

In the end, it ended up going well and didn't last long, but it made the day longer than it should have been.

Can't wait for the next one.