Tuesday February 1, 2005

It's been a while since I did any writing in this site. In all fairness, I haven't been coming online as much the last several weeks, resulting in me losing track of more than a few people, at least those reluctant or unable to keep in touch by phone.

My dissatisfaction with the internet really isn't rooted in one single thing, but rather just something I was going through and in many ways, still going through. It again lost its luster as I dealt with some people who didn't seem to be all that interested in talking to me, which in turn causes me to lose interest in talking at all.

The end effect is that I don't come online, and when I do, I don't have much to say or feel like saying much. It's a terrible thing for me to admit because there are several really nice people I know, but when I get into that mood, it's hard to shake me out of it.

There are some who have probably grown tired of seeing my screen name up with an away message. Some have said so in messages left for me, but more often than not, nothing was left for me. People who seemed to want to talk to me didn't leave any indication that they wanted to again and I felt less compelled to come on. There were exceptions of course. A small group of people do leave messages for me regularly and I want you to know that I appreciate those things, but in general, I come home from work or whatever I'm doing to nothing.

Another part is that I've become more of a talker on the phone. I have at least a couple of people I talk to on a fairly regular basis, people who I've either known for a long time or those who've come into my life recently and have expressed a lot of interest in talking to me.

I'm still not the type to sit on the phone from the moment I'm out of work until the moment I hit my bed, but there are times when I've had very long conversations with people.

One person in particular has managed to stick out amongst all of the events of the last couple of months, and that's Kerry.

Kerry's a girl I ran into on one of the sites I'm a member of. She had stumbled across my profile and had remarked that I seemed like the kind of guy she could see herself with, but added I was probably taken. I left her a comment that said that I wasn't taken and I appreciated her comments. From there, everything took off. We talk frequently and there definitely seems to be the sense that there are strong feelings already in place for one another.

There is one issue. There's always one, right?

She lives in the Boston area. This presents a mild problem as I live in Cleveland. Given my stance on long-distance relationships, this would come across as a long-shot situation, but that's not necessarily the case.

A lot depends on if we can manage to get together and meet. We could see how things go and then decide if there's something worth pursuing in that event and how we'd do it. I wouldn't rule out finding a way to live closer to her, but it would depend a whole lot on what happens, how we both feel, and how realistic everything is. It's something that can't be thought about right now though. The only thing I can do is talk to her, continue to get to know her, and do what I can to spend a vacation week with her over the summer.

Those who read what I write regularly might ask what about Leslie? Well, the deal with that is Leslie and her man decided to take another shot at dating one another even though he's in the Navy and she doesn't typically do well with being away from the one she's with. I understand what she's doing and we're slowly becoming pretty good friends. She knows that I'm not going to do anything stupid and I think she has a respect for who I am.

Another equation in me not going online as much revolves around the fact that I've been busy with other things. Lennie from work and I have been hanging out more, whether it be at bars or at his apartment playing some games. I hang out with Sarah at least once a week most weeks. I don't like being stuck in the house a lot so I do try to get out of it.

Other distractions loom large as well. It's almost a guarantee that on nights when a local professional team is on tv, I won't be online. Right now, that means anytime the Cavaliers are playing, I'm in my room, watching them. In the summer, it's the Indians. In the fall, it's the Browns.

One last thing affecting my online time is my sudden addiction to not one, not two, but three different video games, Halo, Halo 2, and NBA 2K5.

Unless you have nothing to do at all with video games, you've probably heard of Halo and its sequel, two of the best games on the XBox and possibly on the market period. Both games combine an excellent story with frantic action that requires an itchy, yet accurate, trigger finger. The thing that's alarming is usually when a sequel comes out that's as good or better than the original, the first game collects dust. Not in this case. In fact, it's so bad I own all three books that flesh out the story even more.

If that isn't a cry for help I don't know what is.

I don't know how much of my life has been lost to those games of late, but I'm sure it's enough to make me at least a little ashamed. But hey, I like them, I've had the time (especially given all the tire issues with my car of late), and the interest.

Ah, but yes, it's been more than a month since I've written in this site. Not too much has happened, but enough has happened to keep the time rolling by. In essence, I'm no longer sick, I only have one more tire to replace, and my mood has been pretty good for the most part.

I've had minor irritations with people, mostly when someone would again claim to be interested in getting to know me and talk to me, only to have them barely make any effort at all. However, instead of getting all pissed off, I've been able to shrug my shoulders and move on with things.

I'm not letting stupid little things get to me like I did most of last year. I have a chance this year to do some things with my life and I don't need minor things upsetting my mood, ruining whatever potential there may be before it can be realized.

I have things I need to achieve. I need to get into better shape. I need to get school straightened out. I have a person to spend a week with. I have things to accomplish and I intend to accomplish them all.

Things came at me fast last year at times and I mishandled a number of situations. I probably could've had at least two different girlfriends if I had done things better, handled things in a better way. Instead, I assumed with one and misled another before allowing my emotions to repeatedly get the best of me.

The thing is, so many of you have professed over and over how I seem like such a great guy and other things along those lines. Well, I appreciate what's said. It makes me feel good about myself. It does, but I know that I'm not that great a person. I know I've done nothing with myself. All you have to do is look at me, where I'm at, and what I've done.

I'm 24. I work in a job that can never support me, much less anyone else. I have virtually no college experience. Most times I decide I need to do something with myself, I end up doing very little.

Yes, I'm being hard on myself. But unfortunately, it's all true. I can have the greatest personality in the world to some, but in the long run, what is that going to do for me?

I'd be the first homeless person to hear "sure he has no money, job, or anything of worth, but boy does he have a great personality."

It's not something to aspire to, I promise you that.

I really do want this year to be something nice. I want this year to be a good one. I don't want to have to be worrying about anything by the end of it. I just want to enjoy myself, enjoy my friends, and see where things go.

I'll try to keep up more often. There's a lot about work I need to write about, but now's not the time. It's late, my mom's going to bed, and I need to start thinking about getting ready for bed too.

Oh, before I go, if that bastard-ass groundhog sees his shadow tomorrow, it better be the last thing he sees. I've had it with winter.