Thursday February 24, 2005

I'm not entirely sure where to begin with this entry. I have things I could talk about, things I could say, and people I could attack with scathing remarks, but none of it is very coherent, and therein lies the problem I've faced the last few weeks.

I could write about something that bothered me last night, something opened up old thoughts and expressions on a particular subject. I could tear into certain kinds of people. I could write about work, but I'm not really desperate for story ideas.

I suddenly remembered I was supposed to call three people tonight and I never did.

Back to the task at hand.

I was left very disturbed by something that occurred last night. I didn't actually witness any event, but I received news of it from someone who's quickly becoming a favorite of mine to talk to and then some.

I'm not going to get what happened exactly simply because it's not something I have the right to talk about, but rather reinforce how I feel about a certain type of behavior that I just absolutely abhor. Basically, a friend of the girl I was talking to was attacked, something that happens regularly just because he happens to be gay.

You have no idea how much that makes my blood boil, especially after I had the chance to talk to him briefly and see that he was a pretty cool guy to talk to. It's right in line with men who hit/rape/abuse women and child abuse. It's just something that is so beyond wrong that I can't begin to describe the emotions that flow through me when I hear about someone attacking a homosexual person.

Are you really that nervous over them being gay that you feel the need to hurt them, even kill someone like that? I know sometimes some guys feel threatened by gays and are worried about being hit on, but is it really enough to cause you to become violent?

I've been complimented by gay guys before. It doesn't bother me because it's often made very clear that I myself am not gay. They for the most part respect that, I respect their sexuality, and everything's cool. As long as everything is in good nature, then I'm fine with being around a guy who's gay.

It just sickens me when I hear about a homosexual being attacked. It really does. I can't even fathom what must have gone through that moron's head to convince him that the "threat" had to be removed. Yet some people can do things like that without thinking twice.

Even name-calling is uncalled for. Yet some guys get a kick out of that sort of thing, hence why it's an insult to be called gay by someone else.

The bottom line is if you attack someone who's gay just for that reason alone, whether it be name-calling or worse, you are a coward.

There is no other word I can use to describe you if you are that kind of person. Call me whatever you want to call me, I don't care. I know who I am, and while I'm not gay myself, I have no problem with anyone who's gay. I never will either. It's who they are. If you don't like it, tough shit.

You are no better than the cowards who hit women and abuse children. You all deserve to be lumped together and removed from the face of the Earth.

If that sounds harsh, well it's because it is.

---

I don't like to be forced to do anything. I don't like to feel like I should do something if I don't feel like it. I don't like to be pressured period, especially if I'm dead-set against whatever it may be you're trying to convince me to do.

It goes for my writing as much as anything else. I don't like feeling I should be writing about things or writing in a way that others might enjoy.

I write how I feel when I feel it. That's why sometimes my entries can be long and serious, yet at other times can be short, to the point, and sometimes out there. My writing is based on what's going on, what I feel, and where I think things are going. I can be opinionated, but only when I choose to be.

I have felt at times pressured to write when I wasn't ready to. I've felt pressured at times to write in a manner that wasn't suitable for how I was feeling. I felt pressured to step out of who I am and be someone else.

As much as I enjoy knowing that someone finds my writing entertaining, enjoyable, and even deep, I'm not always going to come across that way.

My deep entries typically follow some sort of drastic event in my life or learning something that made me stop and think. My opinionated entries tend to come after someone did or said something that pushed a button in my mind. My lackadasial entries come when I'm tired and/or have nothing to say.

I want to add that the pressure isn't necessarily felt because someone's intentionally trying to make me write something. It's more because as people have read my writing, they've come to expect certain things of me. When I don't deliver, I feel like I might have let them down. This isn't necessarily true most of the time, but it's something I've felt from moment to moment.

I don't want to make anyone feel bad though. It's a great feeling to know that someone might be checking in to see if I've written lately and know that they like what I wrote.

I just wanted to make clear that I won't write just to write.

---

I had a pretty decent day at work. It was busy when I got there and stayed that way much of the night. It's been like that for a while now. We seem to just get hammered in the afternoon and evening and spend the rest of the night trying to recover from that spurt.

I'm looking forward to the weekend though, if only because I have it off. I can take a couple of days, get some decent rest, and then hopefully have some energy to get back to doing what I need to be doing.

I'm bothered right now though because there was something I wanted to write about, but I can't remember what it was at all.

There's my memory for you again though.