Friday February 25, 2005

Yesterday's entry was bad. I don't even have to read it again to realize just how bad, how misguided it was. The other entry I wrote on another site was just as bad, if not worse, so I know it wasn't just a fluke thing.

I just didn't have it yesterday I suppose. It's strange because I had something I really wanted to talk about, yet I forgot what it was. I also had the whole hate crime angle to work with and I really didn't go after it like I normally would. Maybe I'm becoming conservative with my writing, not willing to write something that could potentially offensive.

That's not likely though. More or less, I just couldn't focus very well and that led to my thoughts shooting all over the place like they're apt to do when I'm tired and trying to write something serious.

Today by most standards was a pretty decent day. Work wasn't busy for once, everyone was in a relatively decent mood, and I finally received my federal refund. In fact, today has gone by so well I'm waiting for something to happen to reverse all that.

About the only thing that hasn't gone my way is someone I really wanted to talk to hasn't come online and it doesn't appear they're going to come online anytime soon.

It's okay though. It's a peaceful night. The snow's falling lightly, I have some music playing, and I'm very much at ease.

This is the complete opposite of how I was feeling this time last week, but that's because last week was literally the week from hell. It was busy at work, I had no money whatsoever, and everything seemed to be due at the same time. Even earlier this week, things weren't going as well as I'd like them to have gone.

I've been distant from a lot of people lately. There's no real reason for it. I just haven't felt the need or urge to call anyone the last couple of weeks. I told Leslie yesterday I'd call her and of course, I never did. I told another friend I'd call them and didn't do that either. There are about three or four other people I haven't talked to in a while, yet I haven't called them either.

If there's any reason for it, it's the strain I've felt lately. When work's stressful, I tend to withdraw from others and keep to myself. This is simply a defense against me saying something incredibly stupid, something I've done in the past. By not speaking to people, I don't say stupid, inconsiderate things, things that could be hurtful if you don't know me well enough to understand how I am.

I just never want to say something I'll later regret.

---

I've read a lot of journals lately, journals of single people like myself, and most of them reflect the same feelings I'm often feeling, that of being lonely. A couple in particularly have been really down lately, feeling like they'll never find anyone to love them.

It's a tough thing, being single in this world. A lot of us just don't have the same qualities that jump out to the opposite sex. A lot of us don't have those naturally engaging, charismatic personalities that others have. A lot of us are shy, insecure, and unable to look at ourselves as being attractive or worthy of anyone's affection.

It's why some of us will compromise on the standards we set, get involved in things they shouldn't. It's why some people online try long distance relationships even when there's little chance they can be with the other person. It's a fine line to tread and one I've walked in the last couple of weeks.

I know a really great girl, but she lives far from me. Sure, I could occasionally take a vacation and visit her, but how realistic would it be that we could be together? How realistic could it be that anyone make a relationship like that work? It's about as unrealistic as it gets when you think about it.

I told myself I wasn't going to put myself in a position where I was contemplating seeing someone (as in dating) if I couldn't be with them on a regular basis. I told myself I wasn't going to be in a position where I was promising things to someone that I couldn't guarantee. I told myself I wasn't going to leave someone guessing.

I may have inadvertently done that by letting things become too personal with this person.

I just can't sit here and say that I could do a real long-distance relationship. I need to be able to be with someone in a physical manner. I need to be able to hold the girl I'm with from time to time. I need to be able to realistically be with that girl.

Those are things I want, yet am I going to die if I don't find that soon? No, not at all. I'm still young and I still have time to find that girl that's right. As much as it drives me up a wall seeing other couples and how happy they are, I know there's a time and place for that sort of thing.

I want the attachment, but I don't need it.

---

Nichole, a girl I work with, is really showing over and over just how gullible she is, how easy it is for her to fall for someone, how easy it is for her to be used. Where as Sarah, another girl I work with, refuses to let anyone take advantage of her, Nichole seems to enjoy it.

I know it's because she has a big heart, but there comes a point where you have to draw the line.

Nichole likes to date losers. She likes to date guys who either don't work, sell drugs, go to jail, or just are straight-up assholes. She likes to date guys who take advantage of her, milk her for everything she has, then leave her on the wayside.

She's let guys borrow money from her numerous times. She's bailed guys out of jail. She's done so much, she knows she's being used, yet she keeps on doing it. She doesn't realize that guys will continue to do this until she puts her foot down and refuses to help.

It's frustrating as a friend because I have told her time and time again not to let herself get into a situation where she has to bail someone out of a mess they're in. I've told her no real man will come crawling to his girl every time he needs money or something else like that. I've told her all different kinds of things, but to no avail.

I no longer say anything now.

I was used once. I know how easy it is to let it happen. I also know what happens when you allow it to go unchecked. It's called owing your bank $400 in overdraft payments. It's called having to drag yourself out of the muck because you allowed someone to use your credit card. It's called kicking yourself for all the times you let that loved one spend money on something stupid instead of rent.

I've been down that road and don't intend to go back.

I wish Nichole would do the same.