MY LIFE - MAY

Wednesday, May 15, 2002

Here's how observant a person I can be: I just now noticed, 15 days into May, that the template I use for these entries still said "APRIL" in the opening line. That's me though.

---

I was thinking tonight about a lot of different things. Some of it was inspired by a book I was reading while doing my laundry at 1:30 in the morning (it is Thursday as I write this), a book called "Mind Over Matter" by Mike Nelson. It's a very humorous take on different aspects of our lives and interactions. That's not how it inspired me though, well, that's really not the truth, but it's more complicated than that.

I started thinking about my high school experience again. Several things jumped out at me.

Obviously, my lack of any kind of real personality is right at the top. There were a lot of things that I did that would not happen if I was in high school now. For one, I might have actually interacted with the things around me instead of trying to stay out of the spotlight.

How I handled situations jumps out at me the most though. People who know me now know me to be outgoing, a bit on the strange side at times, funny, and a really easy person to get along with. I also jump into situations head first and try to help resolve them with as little mess as possible.

I never would have done that in high school. I avoided everything. I didn't like people, so I definitely wouldn't have gotten involved with anyone's problems. I was as antisocial as you could get without really appearing like it all the time. I still remember a girl though saying in a class while we were picking partners for a project that I wasn't a people person. I didn't really react to it at the time (only solidifying that reasoning), but I do know that it would never be said of me today.

I really blew a lot of opportunities though. I've talked time and time again of one girl that I could've dated but didn't because I was so shy and not used to any attention that I didn't know how to react to her. I feel bad about this not so much because I didn't date her, but because I pretty much ignored her and probably made her feel like shit.

Crystal Graley, if you're out there somewhere and you come across this, I was a moron. An idiot. Completely brainless.

Well, not really, I was just shy. It's too bad too because twice in high school, she tried to give me attention. My freshman year we walked together after our math class. She tried talking to me, but I was so nervous that I didn't know what to do. How many things could I talk to her about now? Countless things, but then, I didn't know what to say.

The girl stuck up for me too. She waited for me all the time. If I was late getting out of the class, she would be waiting by the door for me. She made me feel like someone cared and I ended up making her probably feel like she was wasting her time.

I still remember one time in my science class, two of her friends were talking about her when one of them looked right at me and asked if I was the one. How much more freaking proof did I need? Truth was, I didn't need anyway, but I needed to grow some balls or something. It never happened.

In my senior year, we had classes together again for the first time since we were freshmen. Again, she started talking to me, well, she tried talking to me. I still didn't know what to do. She'd touch my arm each morning before class would start as she walked by. She said hi in the halls. I must have said hi back maybe two, three times.

I'm surprised she didn't give up sooner. It must have been frustrating for her to try and deal with me when I wasn't easy to deal with. I don't feel bad for missing that opportunity, rather, I feel bad for how I must have made her feel. Sure, she didn't really have a shortage of boyfriends (I know that she dated other guys that some of her friends weren't sure about), but she gave me two chances and I didn't do anything with either.

So Crystal, if you ever read this (HA! fat chance on that one), I'm sorry I was such an ass in high school.

If I really tried, I'm sure I could find her and talk to her again, but it's been two, almost three years since graduation.

The thing is, if I was in high school now, I know that the situation would've been different. I'm not the same guy I was in high school. I'm more outgoing now and I'm not afraid of girls anymore, which was most of my problem then. Not all of it, but most of it. Anyway, I know that there would've been at least one date, maybe more. But at least I would've given it a shot.

There were other situations, other girls too. It wasn't just one girl that had me all flustered. It was pretty much any girl I found attractive. I never did it on purpose, but it always happened. Obvious signs would be there that a girl liked me, but I could never act on it. I could never even talk to the girl, much less consider dating her. I could list several girls where this happened, but it would be repetitive and I don't feel like repeating myself six times over.

The reason behind this all? I was afraid. I was afraid that I would change into a person that I didn't want to be. I was afraid of the lifestyle that these girls lived and didn't want anything to do with it. I judged, first and foremost. I didn't give them a chance to prove me wrong either. What I saw is what I thought I'd get.

Mostly, I was afraid. I thought that if I went out with Crystal, that somehow, I wouldn't fit in with her friends (a lot of whom tried talking to me anyway) and it would only make things worse. In a way, by trying to look out for her, I ultimately did more damage than good. I felt that if we went out, someone was going to take a hit and I didn't want it to be her. She was popular, I wasn't.

It goes beyond that though. I was so cynical of people and so cynical of the way these people lived that I couldn't look past their lifestyles and what they did after school. I couldn't get past the thought that if I wasn't like them, then I could never be friends with them. I never thought to think that they just might respect how I feel and be cool with me regardless.

Popular people always tried to talk to me, especially my junior year. That was my best year of high school. Everyone tried talking to me, I had my best grades, and I seemed to be coming out of my shell, piece by piece. I still fondly remember the skit I did with Sarah Sicking (I hope that's how her last name was spelled), where I had to yell at her and I actually did, surprising the shit out of everyone in the room.

That year, Sarah tried to talk to me. Along with a lot of people. They tried talking to me. All I had to do was answer back and carry on the conversation.

I rarely could do it though.

It's another thing that would be different if I was in high school again. I would've carried on conversations. I might have actually become somewhat popular too.

I think I was afraid of that too. I can't really remember why though. I do remember that I had a reason, a specific reason why I didn't want to be popular, something I'm sure that I'd think absurd now.

I was really narrow-minded though. I couldn't get past some of the things I thought. I still can't figure out why I didn't want to be popular. I do like attention, but maybe I didn't know how to handle it. Maybe I was afraid of what I might have become. I never thought that I was someone who could get along with everyone. I think I was worried that I might offend someone somewhere along the way.

Whatever it was, it wasn't fair to the people who tried. To everyone who did try and talk to me, I'm sorry about how I reacted. I didn't do it because I hated y'all, I did it because I didn't know any better. I did it because I was afraid.

I guess what I want is half an hour of some of these people's time so that I can fully explain to them how I was feeling and how I feel now. I kind of wish that I would have done this sooner instead of three years later. It's only been within the last year that I've really broken out of my shell though.

I don't want anyone to think that I regret everything that happened in high school. Yeah, I do wish that some things had turned out different, but I don't regret how they ultimately turned out. I'm sure right now, each girl that I had a chance with is with some other guy now, maybe even thinking about marriage. I can't hate on them for that either.

Fact is, I still have a lot of college to go through and a lot of life to live. I'm still young and when I do go to college, I won't be some guy who has absolutely no life outside of school, like in high school. I know I'll be going out, talking to people, going to parties, and all that other shit.

I still have another chance to make a first impression. This time, I'm not messing it up.

I know I can talk to girls now. I've been able to talk to the last couple of really good looking girls I've worked with. Yeah, I have a little trouble with Jill, but she doesn't say much to begin with. Jessica and I had some good conversations about different things. She actually stood up for me when everyone was picking on me, then she thought better and started picking on me too.

Shelby and I got along great. There's never been a problem talking about things with her. Sometimes it's hard to get a word in when she's talking, but I've never thought to myself that I don't want to talk to her ever again. I like her and I like listening to her talk about things. She sets herself up for jokes very well.

Even this newer girl, Jen, I've been able to talk to with ease. I guess it really depends on the girl though. If you talk to someone who's easy to talk to and who's able to give you something to work with, it's never a problem. I only get stuck on the girls who don't say much. That's when it's a struggle and it's really not fair to me to have to come up with everything that we talk about.

I'm no longer the one who isn't talking in conversations though. I can hold up my end fine. If nothing else, I can say something completely off the wall and try and get a laugh out of it.

---

One of the other things that pisses me off about my high school experience is how I never participated in anything. I never went to a dance, never took part in any activity, didn't go to a single football game, didn't go to homecoming, and didn't go to prom. At that time, I didn't care about those things and I made no effort to hide them. Now, though, I'm pissed at myself.

I completely missed out on those experiences and I think those hurt me more than I was willing to accept. People already knew I wasn't exactly a social butterfly, but when you don't even bother to show any kind of enthusiasm for a social event, I think it really made me look bad in a lot of peoples' eyes. While I'm not so much concerned with what people thought (never have and never will care), it still bothers me that I didn't even bother to try and go to any of the events.

It certainly wouldn't have hurt me, right? Again, I was afraid. Afraid of how I might look, afraid of what could happen to me, afraid of the interaction.

I was a big fucking puss in high school.

I can accept that now. I don't like it, but I can accept it.

It is amazing what time can do for you. Even a year ago, it never concerned me, my high school experience. Yeah, I knew that I had missed out on shit, but the more I look at it, the more I realize that I didn't just miss out on some things, but I missed out on the entire experience. It really is supposed to be the best time of your life.

I noticed today something that I'm doing that I never did in high school. I maintain eye contact with girls now. I used to look away really quick when a girl would look at me. Now I can hold it. Sometimes I can't stop looking. It hasn't led to anything yet, but I know eye contact is an important thing.

Same thing with confidence. The more confidence you show in yourself, the better it makes you look. Which means all that time I spent trying to get sympathy for my situation thinking it would work was time wasted. God damn I was stupid to try to go the sympathy route.

I know I did it too. Just go back and read my older entries and tell me that I wasn't trying for it. Especially when I talk about my situations at home. I read some of those and actually started feeling sick. I can't believe I wrote some of the garbage that I wrote. I almost decided not to post them. Then I realized it might help you all better realize my evolution as a person.

I did go looking for sympathy though. Ugh. I think I'll avoid that in the future.

I think a lot of that was when I felt that my situation at home was as bad as it could get for a person. That was before I met people who had been completely abandoned by family members, had seen people get killed, had lost friends, etc. Each time I meet someone now, they all have their own story to tell. Each time, it makes mine look more and more insignificant.

Shelby and her grandparents sticks out in my head. There are others, but it's late right now and I can't remember every intricate detail of every person's life that I've met over the years.

Some people have had to deal with some rough shit, shit that makes my situation look like peaches and cream.

---

It's now quarter to five in the morning. I've been writing for more than an hour and a half. This is what happens when I get myself going and actually have something to work with. I do have a one track mind at times, and when I'm focused, I'm about as locked-in as anyone can get.

Some of you are probably wondering why I write about the things in my past so much. Well, the past shaped me. No matter what it was, that's what makes us all. I think that anyone who tries to forget his or her past is setting themself up for something bad to happen.

The past is where you learn from your mistakes (if you're really good, it makes for some really good jokes too), where you see where you went wrong and how you can do things different in the future. For some, it takes longer than others. It's taken me a long time to realize that myself.

I remember one guy that I really didn't know, but he was a friend of my best friend. I remember him because he said something to me that stuck in my head, something I thought was silly then but now I realize why he said it to me.

He told me that he had been shy most of his life, but then something happened to him and he changed. He started talking more, hanging out with people more, and he had a girlfriend that was probably the most beautiful girl at the time (I was in eighth grade). This girl was just flat-out hot. Great face, great body, and he was dating her at the time.

He told me that I reminded him of how he used to be and that he wouldn't be surprised if someday I changed too. I remember she said the same thing too, that she thought I'd change someday, that it just might take some time. I remember not saying anything back to either of them, just kind of nodded my head. Remember, I was very shy.

It stuck in my head all these years though and I now I see how right they were. It took me a long time, but something did happen. I've gone from a very shy person to someone who's outgoing, almost a people person (being in retail kind of taints that one). I don't have the beautiful girlfriend, but I now believe that anything's possible. I've had some really attractive girls talk to me. Things just haven't clicked yet.

I've come a long way and I'm only 21. I've come this far, so there's no sense in turning back now. I never really thought I'd ever say this, but I'm looking forward to tomorrow.