MY LIFE - JUNE

Sunday, June 2, 2002 (continued)

The next day we went back to the house and got a real good look at the damage done. We also buried the five victims of the fire in the backyard in what was one of the most emotional things I've witnessed. Even I had to hold back tears as Morgue was laid down to rest in the earth.

I haven't cried in probably 10 years, but I almost cried several times after the fire, mostly because I was upset over Morgue passing away. That cat could drive you crazy, but he was also the cutest cat at times and he just had this way of melting your heart when you wanted to be mad at him. It was hard to look at him, curled up, dead, when just the afternoon before the fire, he had been rolling around on my bed. It was gut wrenching to think about, yet that was all I could think about.

I went rollerblading that evening and still couldn't get that damn cat out of my mind. Nor could I remove the image of the flames shooting through the roof. It's just something that's going to stick with me for a long time. I was the only one in our family who saw that. It's my memory.

I really don't want it either.

The hardest thing has been for me to try and stay on a consistent level with my mood. I've been so up and down over the last week it's been like a flashback to the past, only without the negative attitude.

One minute I'm joking around with someone, the next minute I'm staring off into space and I really can't stop doing it. It's just how I've dealt with this, especially since I was offline and couldn't talk about it with anyone there and because the two people I could've talked to about it in person were out of town.

I think I've handled it pretty well though. I still have my sense of humor, although it's been a little more rare lately. Time does heal all wounds though and I know I'll get back to my old self in no time.

I just wish I could get rid of this feeling that's similar to being sucker punched in the gut. I can't escape it.

Rollerblading has been my thing lately though. I've gone three times in the last five days and my endurance is already improving. I've gone twice as far as the previous time each time out, although I don't think I want to push it that far. I went last night and was able to go from Bagley Rd. to Royalton Rd (about 5-6 miles), and back again, although I was barely able to move when I got back to my car.

It's been invigorating though and it gives me something to do other than sit on my ass and play video games (not that anything's wrong with that) or just pretend I have something to do. It's also something to do to get me in better shape and keep me in shape, at least until I get around to lifting weights again.

In the meantime, everyone else seems to be doing well, all things considered. It's just been stressful to wonder what's going to happen next and make the next move based around that. We don't know how long we'll have to stay here, although we're hoping it's not for longer than a couple months.

Don't get me wrong. I like where we're at. It's just not big enough and there's been too much conflict already. It's hard to sit there and watch tv when you've got a couple people who don't want to hear the Indians game and it's hard to adjust to having to share what's basically one big ass room with three areas to sleep in.

But hey, there's a pool, cable, and a newspaper everyday. So it's not all bad.

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The hardest thing for me to shake has been this feeling that we're snake bit. It just seems that everytime something good's happening, something bad has to happen to mess it all up. I'm not trying to be negative or anything like that, but there has been that trend.

My parents get divorced, so the custody fight gets nasty even though it never should have. My mom gets her license back and the car breaks down completely.

I'm just getting into the swing of things my senior year of high school, so what happens? My mom loses her job, I have to work more hours then I want to, my grades go way down, and I graduate much lower than I wanted to. I graduate, so my dad decides to go completely bonkers and within eight months of my graduation, we have to move from Brunswick to Cleveland.

I finally get into a serious relationship and the thing crashes and burns after about a year.

Then the house catches on fire.

I guess it could've been worse though. Someone could've been up there when it started. Think about this one: if this had been a year ago, I would've been up there, trapped, with nowhere to go but through the front windows, which would almost certainly be as risky as staying in there (it's a long way down).

So while we lost some animals, we lost a lot of personal belongings, we didn't lose any family members. No one was home at the time this started, thankfully, so everyone was okay in the end.

All we can do is just move on and hope that things get better. As for myself, I'll never stop believing that a better life is just around the corner.

I'm a stubborn bastard.

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