Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Anytime these kidney stones want to leave my body would be perfectly fine with me. I don't think I can harp on just how much of a pain in the ass these things are. I can't do much without getting winded, and even simple little things become arduous chores that I wish not to deal with anymore.

I at least have my follow-up appointment scheduled for next Friday morning down the street at Deaconess. It's about the best news I've had in three days. The only other good thing that I've had in this three day stretch is I was able to see Molly for a little while last night. Lord knows I needed that.

I haven't done too well today though. Yesterday wasn't too bad of a day pain-wise and I never really felt that bad, at least in comparison to Monday, which was the day from hell.

Monday started bad, stayed bad, and ended bad. I was sick to my stomach all morning, including a point where I nearly threw up. I was constantly running to the bathroom for other reasons since I was urinating at an alarming rate. I couldn't stand most of the day, and the rest of the time I could barely sit.

The hardest part came when Jim had to leave for a while and I had to man drop-off alone. On a Monday. It isn't to do when you're healthy, much less when you can barely move without feeling like you're going to collapse. I somehow managed to get through that until he came back, held on a couple hours longer, and left at 3pm when Lennie arrived.

I've been miserable before, but never that miserable. I don't think anyone I know really realizes just how unhappy, how awful I felt. I tried to downplay it as much as I could, but I can't even hide it when I feel that bad.

Yesterday, I was still a little uncomfortable, but having actually gone a day without seeing or really having much of a chance of talking with Molly until late on Monday, I wasn't going to let the chance to see her go by the boards again. I'm glad I did too. She made me laugh when I didn't really have a reason to laugh and it was just nice to see her. I really like this girl a lot. I can't even say it enough how she's the kind of girl I want to date now. I just can't get enough of her.

I don't know exactly how she feels about me though. She seems to like me enough and she's shown that she cares, but she doesn't reveal that much to me. She doesn't really say much about how she feels and it's just a matter of her trusting me, I suppose. I know I have to earn it with her and I hope that I'm doing so. She's a keeper in my mind.

I ended up falling asleep around 2, 2:30 in the morning last night because I was looking a few things up online. I slept until around 11:30, when I woke up, but didn't get up. I really couldn't. I felt too bad to move much and didn't until my phone rang around 1pm. It was Molly and I was happy to talk to her again.

The one thing I'll say about her is she's continued to check on me to make sure I'm doing okay. I don't know if she realizes how much that means to me. In the past, it's always been "suck it up and take it like a man" without any real sign of caring. At least she's shown it. Not even in an official relationship and she's still treating me better than any girl I was in a relationship with.

I'll also say I never talk about a girl I met with other people unless I feel like she's the real deal and I've been talking about Molly with people I work with. I told Jean today, and of course, trying to be like a mom to me like she's done in the past, offered to talk to Molly to convince her to go out with me. I told Jean not to worry about it, that we were taking things slowly out of respect for what Molly felt.

I was at my store to check next week's schedule though. I needed to see when I was off again so I could schedule the follow-up. Meanwhile, Jim was still making fun of me. He doesn't care if I feel like shit. He's lucky he's funny otherwise I'd be pissed off. Instead, he made me laugh a couple times, which today really hurt.

The rest of the day was spent laying in bed, fighting the occasional fever and talking to Molly. I watched a little bit of "Monsters, Inc," watched the Indians play (thankfully they won), and then watched a little more tv before coming online.

I'm still fighting a fever, so the sooner these things leave me, the better. In fact, I don't even like that I have kidney stones. Did I ever give them permission to be in my body? I don't think so. So what gave them the right to be here?

In all seriousness I just want to get rid of them. It's really dragging me down, making me hard to deal with. I'm not a whole lot of fun when I'm feeling bad, much less when dealing with these things.

I just want to feel like myself again. For everyone's sake.

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