MY LIFE - JULY

Monday, July 22, 2002

This whole shuttling the dogs back and forth thing is starting to get a little old, and that's if you consider how it's wearing both my mom and myself out. Last night is a case in point. I worked from 4-12 and had to get up today at 8:30 to work at 10am. I knew that my mom was at work, so she couldn't get the dogs from the house and I didn't count on my sister getting them, so I figured I might as well stop by the house and get them on my way back from work.

The fun started there. First, for the third night in a row, Shade sneezed all over the back of my head. Now, this is amusing the first time it happens. By the the second and third time, I was slightly peeved. That and he was continually whining the whole way back to the hotel. I figured he was just antsy for some reason for the night.

I got back to the hotel parking lot at 1am. Well, in the process of getting the dogs out of the car, Shade got away and took off running away from me and would let me get so close before he'd take off again. He thought I was playing when I was yelling "get the fuck back here dammit."

I was not playing. I was tired, sore, and in no mood to run him down, especially since Anubis felt the desire to try and sniff every object protruding from the ground along the way towards chasing Shade down. Finally, Shade ran up a set of stairs and went to the last door and sat there waiting for me.

Right idea, wrong building. We're in building 12. He ran up the stairs to building 9. I grabbed his lead and pretty much yanked him down the steps and dragged him to the right room. There, I put him on his other lead inside and pretty much made it clear to him that it was time to sleep. I then put Anubis in his cage and took my shower.

I finally got into bed at 2:30, a full hour later then I wanted to.

But oh, we're just getting started. This morning, Shade decided it was time for me to get up at 8am, a full half-hour earlier then I wanted to. He slobbered all over my ear, which prompted me to throw him off my bed and try to go back to sleep, but it was hopeless by this point. Anubis started whining, the cats started meowing, and the birds started screeching.

All of this started after my mom had gotten home.

Needless to say, I was pretty tired most of today, although I still managed to get hyper around 1 or 2 in the afternoon. It was pretty busy at work though and it didn't help that Roberta called off because she had a headache.

But it wasn't that bad of a day. I pretty much covered everything, the register, the drive-thru, typing, and filling throughout the day. I got out on time and made it clear that I wouldn't be coming in tomorrow if there's another call-off. As much as I enjoy the pay from overtime, I do not want to work any extra time right now.

Too much is going on for me to have to go into work because someone else can't work their shift. I'm not going to be responsible for everyone else there.

Meanwhile, my mom's worn out from all this too. She's been taking the dogs back in the morning and she's exhausted by the time she gets back home. She's been asleep since early this morning, and it's 1:30am now. That's how tired she's been.

I think we'll all be happy to get back into the house.

---

My appetite has just about fully returned. I've noticed this because I have been able to eat more and more lately, almost to where I was a couple years ago. I used to have a huge appetite and eat a ton of food, but lately that hasn't been the case. Only in the last week have I felt like eating more. I actually ate two meals at work one day last week. That's how hungry I got.

Unfortunately, my stomach is still acting up though, which means I'm making more frequent trips to the restroom. I'll spare y'all the details since it's not something I even want to talk about anyway. I just know that my stomach hurts more now then it's hurt since I was in high school and the pains just started.

I never really fully disclosed how much the cramps hurt me in school though. I think some people had an idea because I'd be doubled over in pain, but most people had no clue how much I was hurting somedays back then. It was pretty much something that I tried to hide as much as possible, pretty much like everything else I felt.

I was not a particularly open person in school to begin with. I would never have told someone I barely knew about my childhood or disclose how I felt about some of the things that happened like I have been lately. I would never have admitted that I was in pain or that something was bothering me. One thing I was good at was hiding how I felt from everyone else.

I didn't want sympathy. I was afraid that by telling people how I felt, it would make it seem like I was asking for sympathy. I know now that wouldn't have been the case, but I had some insecurities in high school. I was very self-conscious about myself and I was very careful in how I presented myself to other people.

I had fears then that are completely different from what I'm afraid of now.

Then, I was afraid of how I might look to another person, especially a girl. It was bad enough being shy, but it was even worse sitting there wondering if something I was doing was making a girl think I was weird. I had no idea that some girls would find my weirdness appealing. It still doesn't make sense, but it's okay.

I was afraid of how people would think of me. I was always wondering if someone was going to look at me, think something bad, then start spreading things that weren't true about me around. True, there were some things going around about me, but not one of those things were bad. If anything, I had a very good reputation in school. More than once, someone I barely talked to came up to me and said that they had heard of me and that they heard I was pretty cool.

Nevertheless, I was still worried.

What am I afraid of now? I'm afraid of waking up one day and finding that everything I know and care about is not the same or gone. I'm afraid of getting a call that someone I care about has been hurt or died.

The worst feelings I've ever had have often been associated with something like that. My grandfather's (on my dad's side) heart attack. My grandma's (mom's side) two strokes. The death of my uncle on my dad's side. Things like that.

I'm afraid of something happening to my mom. I'm afraid of something happening to a relative. I'm afraid that one day I won't wake up from my sleep. I'm afraid that one day, my cat will be lying dead. Understand this for those who are wondering about that: I've had Kisa eight years. She's been through all the worst shit and she's the only pet I've ever had that's been as well trained as she is. When I felt like every girl on the planet hated me, she'd be sleeping in my bed next me, purring away like nothing's wrong. If you can't understand that, then you can't understand me.

I'm afraid of something happening to me while I'm driving somewhere. I'm afraid of someone targeting my store where I work in an attack. Remember, my store is five minutes from Hopkins Airport. If something happens, we're not that far.

I'm always afraid of something happening to someone I care about online and in person. The people I talk to, you all mean the world to me. Not only will I be upset if something happens, I'll be pretty pissed too.

Most of all, I'm afraid that I'll have failed to live up to my potential in life. Nothing scares me more than the idea that I might look back at my life and see more shortcomings than successes. I have high expectations for myself and I'm afraid of what happens if I can't meet them.

What are you afraid of?

Don't tell me nothing either because someone's always got something they're afraid of.

Oh and death? I'm not scared of death. I'm more scared of not accomplishing my goals before I die. If I die, then there's a reason for it and I'm willing to accept that. I won't be happy, but hey, not much I can do about that, right?

---

We had a pretty good storm roll through tonight. For those who still don't know, I like thunderstorms and particularly enjoy one that has a lot of lightning and thunder. I've always been fascinated by storms and how they happen. So I was pretty excited to see a whole lot of lightning light up the sky long before the storm even hit.

Then I realized the dogs were still at the house. So I went back to the house, only to find that someone else had already gotten them. Then, moments after I got back into my car, the storm hit and the rain came pouring down. Within minutes, the streets were covered in large puddles of water, several areas completely covered.

The whole time, I was trying to see the lightning, which was made easier by my moonroof, which was closed since I'm obviously not stupid enough to get wet. It was raining so hard though that it was hard to see where I was going so I was really taking a gamble every time I glanced up to see some lightning.

I did see some good strikes though and the thunder was loud, even in the car.

After about 20 minutes, the storm was over and everything returned to normal. It was nice to finally have a good thunderstorm though. I know that Peggy's going to mention it when I work with her on Friday since she loves storms too.

Yeah, I know. I'm a fucking dork. I've pretty much accepted that.