Thursday, July 29, 2004

I hate when I read old entries. Not because I find the person that I used to be to be overly annoying and whiny, but because it compels me to write on nights when I have no business doing so.

Like tonight. I had no intention of writing, but I felt the urge to after reading some entries from 1999. There wasn't anything I read in particular that stood out, but still, something inside of me feels like I need to write, need to let this things out.

However, I realize that I'm just about out of space in the archive for this current set of entries which means that I have to decide just how to archive these entries. I would love to do half the year at a time, but I've done a shitload of writing this month and it wouldn't be balanced. I also don't think that archiving everything up until the end of this month will do either, but that depends on how much I write the rest of this year.

If I continue at this pace, I may just have to go back to the way I had been doing things for a brief time in archiving on a monthly basis. This does get old after a while though.

But getting back to what I was talking about...I was reading older entries, mostly from the days when I was finishing high school and the summer that followed, and I found it interesting how anti-social I really was then.

I know I've talked about this a million times, but I still can't fathom that the same person wrote those entries and has written the entries for this year. Granted, this year hasn't always been a positive one and I have written several entries that were less-than friendly, but back then it was taken to an extreme.

Go ahead. Read those entries. Then look at the entries from this past year. It's a world of a difference.

Then again, the issues were different back then. Back then, I didn't have many bills, just my car payment, insurance, and the credit card I had, which I didn't really use much of. It's not like it is now where I have my car, my insurance, my cell phone, my past credit card debts (and don't give me any speech cause I'm not in nearly as much debt as a lot of you are), and a new credit card.

Back then, I was dealing with drama from my dad. I never realized it then, but I think it was because of him that caused so much tension between the rest of us. I wrote repeatedly of how insensitive my family seemed to be towards me. Granted, I was much lazier back then, but I would never say that about Teresa. I get along with her, even if she does do things that aren't always easy to explain.

It was the same thing with work too. I really had testy relationships with a lot of people. I didn't know back then that Mike would become my best friend as I hadn't hung out with him that much at that point, at least I don't remember doing so. He was a pain at work because he let his supervisor position get to his head initially, but like all people who are good at their jobs, he's learned with time. I still wouldn't listen to him just because it annoys him, but I definitely would back him up now if he was trying to get people to do things.

I also am realizing that I must have thought of myself of some sort of goodie-two shoes but in a bad-ass sort of way. I guess back then I didn't know how to loosen up and let people be idiots in peace. I had to try and step in and show them that they were idiots. I guess it was my way of trying to be tough, but in retrospect, I just come across as an asshole.

I don't really know why I did those things either. Maybe I was trying to prove something, or maybe I was jut an ignorant asshole who was deprived of the joys of being a vandal. Either way, I didn't come across as a person who was too much fun to be around. I guess with time, I've realized that people do those things and I can't stop it. I wouldn't do some of the things that people do myself, but I'm certainly not in a position to try and police them either.

I guess it's maturity.

It only makes sense though. I was 18 when I wrote those entries. I had just graduated high school. I hadn't done shit with myself, but I felt like I had done an awful lot. I had very little direction and let everything get to me.

My friend Jen knew it. She tried to make it abundantly clear to me that I was worrying about petty shit too much. Did I listen? Nope. I actually took a lot out on her I think. It's amazing that we're still friends as I was a difficult person to know back then.

The one thing I'm realizing as I read those entries is that my dad is at the root of all the problems. All the stress, worry, and uncertainty stems from him and his behavior. Even now I can't figure out what was going on with him or why he was like he was.

So yeah, there was a lot on my plate at the time, so maybe there is an excuse for how I acted and what I wrote. I won't let that be an excuse for my attitude at times, but we as people grow with time.

I'm willing to bet that there isn't a person around who's the same as they were even two years ago. I know I'm not. Even based on last year I'm not the same person I was. I go out more, have more fun with life. Yes I've been stressed lately, but it's more of an uncertainty with work than anything else.

I have a girlfriend and I do have a reliable, if not spectacular job. I have a family that cares. I have a small but terrific group of friends that I can count on. I have things going for me that should make my life go well.

I know that if I'm in a bind, I can talk to any of a number of people including Sarah, Mike, Jen, Megan, and now Jessica as well. I have four great friends and a great girlfriend. I have my mom, who always listens to what's on my mind. A lot of people don't have that much.

Sure, I have my debts, but I also have a lot of things that other people don't have. I have a car that gets me around. I have a tv, vcr, and a whole bunch of game consoles in my room. So what if my bed is a futon with an air mattress? I'm not sleeping on the floor. Okay, so my bed tends to be covered in white fur, but that can't really be helped when you have a white cat who sheds like crazy in the summer. It could be worse.

We as people tend to forget that most of us have it pretty good. We all focus on what we don't have instead of what we have. Most of us don't even realize when we have something great right next to us.

I think that happened to Sarah yesterday at lunch. She finally realized that I'm someone who she can talk to about things that are bothering her without me judging in her in anyway. She knows that I'm someone who will be a good friend, and in that sense, is willing to talk to me more.

Sometimes good friendships take a long time to materialize while others happen in an instant. Mike and I were good friends from the start. Jen and I were good friends from the start. Megan and I were practially sleeping with each other from the start (that sounds bad, doesn't it?), broke up, and have managed to stay good friends.

Jessica and I have only known each other for a short time, but I already know I can talk to her about things. She's almost like a carbon copy of me with female attributes. It's a dynamic I haven't had in a relationship and am eager to see how it works for us in the long run. Imagine that, being able to talk to my girlfriend about something that's bothering me. Novel concept if I do say so myself.

The whole point is we overlook the things we have and focus on what we don't have. It's human nature. I look at car ads all the time and wonder what it would be like to have a BMW knowing damn well I can't and probably won't be able to afford one for a long time. I see the plasma tv's and want them. I see video games and want them. I see things and want them all the time. But I'm well aware that what I do have. I have things that a lot of people don't have. I know it and I treasure what I do have.

It's human nature to want though. We all want the newest things, the best things, and don't want to settle for anything less.

I wish I wrote better, for example. Just read through those entries and you'll find numerous mistakes. Usually it's me missing a word or two, but it's noticeable and kind of annoying. I'm sure I still do it, but it seemed to happen a lot back then. I guess I was just too tired at the times I was writing.

I want everyone who reads this entry to go into any of the archives prior to 2000 and read those entries. It will give you a good perspective on what I dealt with at the time as well as an idea of how I've changed since then.

Besides, some of you need sleep, I'm sure. If those entries don't do the trick, then I guess you'll need something stronger.

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I saw something that was just absolutely hilarious to me as I was driving home from work tonight.

Not too far from my house on Pearl Rd. is an adult movie store. I typically don't notice it or anyone who comes out of it since I don't really care to go into a store like that, but for some reason I looked tonight. I saw a guy walking out, but how he was walking out was funny to me.

In his hand was the bag that had the pornography in it since they put those things in paper bags for anonymous purposes (although everyone knows what's in the bag). However, he was holding the bag in front of his face. As he walked towards his car.

I have never seen that before. I'm sure he didn't want to be seen by anyone who might recognize him, but still, it must have been hard finding his car with a bag in front of his face. Was he really that ashamed of going there? Shit, if you've already gone in there and bought something, why try hiding? It only makes you worse.

It just killed me though to watch this guy walk from the store with the bag in front of his face. Gotta love this country.

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Tribe Watch 2004

Today's Game
No game

Record
52-50; 3rd place; 5.5 games back