MY LIFE - AUGUST

Sunday, August 11, 2002

I was talking to a friend of mine, Lindsay, about my dad and sports and all that good shit when I had a thought suddenly pop into my head, something I had never thought about ever. I guess I should explain it now.

Ever since I was able to walk really, my dad took the time out to show me how to play sports. Basketball, football, and baseball were the choices and I can remember playing all of them several times a week during the appropriate seasons (baseball in summer, football in fall, and basketball year round). He showed me how to play each sport and each individual position, making sure that I understood each that I did.

I never really thought much about this, although it's the part I miss most, and I suddenly realized the reason why he tried to spend so much time with me on sports. I don't think it was just another bonding thing for us, but more so a chance for him to see some kind of athletic glory. My dad has bum knees and ankles and therefore couldn't play sports the way he probably wanted to. In me, he saw a chance to see the glory, the accomplishments, that he never achieved.

I never really realized this until I was talking about how my dad showed me how to play all these sports, then it hit me. I started thinking about it. He wanted me to be what he couldn't be. I came this close to tearing up over it, not because I'm some sap, but because I never really realized the intentions behind it. Sports was the only thing that my dad ever fully devoted to me. In nothing else did he ever show me the level of attention that he showed me in sports. He wanted me to have the success that he didn't have himself.

I couldn't get this out of my mind and it's still in my mind, not because I have nothing better to do then dwell on past issues, but because it now makes more sense to me.

It made me appreciate my dad more then I probably have been, despite the problems. If it weren't for those said problems (the drugs and alcohol), who knows. Maybe I would've become a good athlete in one of those sports. God knows I'm more than capable of playing in all three despite my relative small size. I just never had the push once things got real bad. I couldn't afford to focus on sports in my life when everything else was falling apart. I needed to work in high school, so even though I wanted to play basketball and all that, I couldn't afford to work less then I was working.

Circumstances took me away from what his dream was and I can now start to understand why he was disappointed in my job choice and what I did. It wasn't because he hated what I was doing, but rather, he had higher aspirations for me, it didn't work out, and he didn't know (or wasn't capable) how to handle it.

It doesn't make what all happened okay, just kind of puts it into perspective.

It also fucks you up to sit there and think that all those years of problems, police visits, and general chaos helped stop a possible career before it even had a chance. I'm not saying I would've been anything, but you never know what have happened if I had had a normal dad like a lot of people I grew up with.

I pretty much sat here the rest of the night trying to fully understand what I had been thinking about, but there's really nothing more that could be made out of it. My dad wanted for me what he had desired but couldn't have. And shit, even if I don't talk to him, it makes me realize that he had good intentions.

Shit, why do I have to get so sentimental about things?

---

I'm off of work for the week and it's great to know that I don't have to go into that place for a while. It's getting kind of weird since we got our new pharmacist Keith to replace Jim. It hasn't been the same since Jim left either. A lot of the life is gone from the place and my attempts at lifting the mood were thwarted by Keith himself. It's not that he's no fun, he's just not as loose as Jim was.

There's a lot of friction in the store now, and I think a lot of it is because Keith has come in and tried to institute new things that haven't quite gone over too well. He also has the gung-ho attitude where if someone doesn't want to go along with what he wants, they can leave. There's been a lot of "it's my way or the highway" and it's causing much more stress then we can reasonably put up with.

On top of this, we just had an inventory, I got reemed about inventory being too high, so they sent everything back, and now our out of stocks are absurd and I'm gonna catch shit for that.

Needless to say, I do not miss the place one bit right now.

To me, it's a bunch of shit to come into a store and try and change everything. Our district manager's wife tried that and she ended up getting transfered out because no one could stand her and she couldn't stand us.

Nevermind the conflict of interest thing.

I don't think Keith's going to go away though. I don't have a problem with what he's trying to do, but I don't always agree with how he goes about it. I don't particularly care to be jumped because I stand still for a couple minutes and am being perceived to be slacking. You do not have to be active for all 8 hours of your shift, contrary to popular belief.

So I'm waiting for shit to hit the fan anytime now. There's been friction between Nate and Keith, and I think it's over Nate not always wearing a pharmacist jacket, which isn't that big a deal if you ask me. It's sort of like when Jim got jumped for not wearing a tie one day. They nail you for stupid shit like that, treat you like shit, and then can't figure out why you don't follow the rules to the letter.

With all this happening, I think everyone's forgotten that we don't have anyone to work days when I go back to school, we don't know who's coming back to work among the Baldwin Wallace students, and it's just generally a mess back there.

I seem to have gone through this before. But oh well. We'll see what happens.

---

I've just realized something that's been going on for a while, but wasn't really aware of it because I wasn't used to it. I'm talking about girls flirting with me out in public. Now, I'm not trying to sound like I'm some great looking guy who should be getting flirted with, I just never really paid attention until I realized what was going on.

It's been happening more frequently lately, which is how I started to notice it. Let's remember, I am not the most observant person in the world and will never claim to be either. I'm also not used to it, which is how I didn't pick up on it right away.

I'm used to getting the occasional look and even a second look at times. But I first realized that girls were flirting with me when I was at Cedar Point a couple weeks ago, the first trip we made. I was in line at the Magnum when a couple of girls were standing behind me and occasionally would look at me. I didn't think anything of it.

Second time in line, they were right behind me again as we waited to get in to the car. I looked back, saw them, they both were looking at me and they both quickly turned away and started talking fast, which even I know is a sign that they were talking about me. I looked back again and the one girl was smiling at me and held it for a while. Then it was time to get on the ride and I never saw either of them again, which is okay. Being an hour away from home in an amusement park filled with out of towners, the chances of meeting a girl from Cleveland aren't as good as it might seem and I wasn't really chasing girls anyway. I was with my mom for crying out loud.

The second time I noticed it was again at Cedar Point, the second time. This time, two blondes, who were good looking, were behind me, again for the Magnum (what's with this ride?). The one blonde would not stop looking at me and finally made a move by grabbing the pictures I had of me on the Millenium Force and then asking if she could look at them. Small talk ensued, but again it was time to get on the ride and I never saw the girl again. Sure, she was attractive, but I wasn't there to meet some girl who might be from the other side of the country. I was there to ride the rides.

The most recent one was the most interesting one. It was actually Saturday night while leaving work at midnight. A car with three girls pulled up along side of me while stopped and they all started trying to get my attention. I couldn't really make out what they were saying, but involved going to a bar where they were going.

Now, all three girls were attractive and they probably would've been fun to hang with, but a couple of things kept me from getting really involved. First off, I had to go to the house to check and see if the dogs were there and take them home if they weren't. Second, I was tired as fuck and didn't really care for any kind of noise, which is primarily what a bar consists of. Third, I'm not that big on the party girl myself and that's what I was dealing with. Fourth, there were three of them and god knows what would've happened. Thankfully, the saw some guys parked at Dunkin' Donuts and proceded to head their way, not before yelling out something flattering, but not something I'm gonna repeat.

It's weird to me to suddenly start getting more attention and I haven't really been sure of how to deal with it. It's more or less caught me off guard since I've never had these kind of things happen to me before so I haven't been sure of how to handle it.

Go ahead and laugh at me. I know it sounds pretty absurd and it probably is. I'm just saying what's been going on. I don't get it myself. I never thought that much of myself.

---

Just a couple of odds and ends....I was watching VH-1 (yeah, I was that bored) and I saw two interesting programs come on. One was a profile of sorts on Christina Aguilera which I found to be surprisingly interesting. Now before we go any further, I think she's one of the few genuinely talented pop artists out there, even if she's been a bit out there lately. Her voice kicks Britney's ass all over the place and I think she's much more attractive then Britney.

But anyway, it pretty much documented her rise to stardom. Her successes, her failures, the jealousy she dealt with from classmates who didn't look at her as anything but a bitch and someone who didn't deserve what she had. Her senior prom was ruined by all the people walking off the dance floor when her song, "Genie in a Bottle" came on. How about that for assholes?

It was a nice story though. She's probably the only pop artist I really respect and watching some of the stuff she dealt with only makes her more real a person.

The other tidbit was a look at Emimen's "Marshall Mathers LP," which is surprising since VH-1 doesn't play rap music, although I've seen a ton of documentaries and specials on rappers themselves.

It was fascinating to me to see how the album came together, how Em turned the hate projected towards him into his songs, and how all these groups kept trying to get him shut down. It's funny how they want to be heard, but it's against all humanity to hear his views. Just kills me when they use free speech to try and shut free speech down.

So yeah, I was bored. I love Eminem though and always watch to see what he comes up with next. It's still hard to believe that I was someone who didn't care for what he was doing when he first came out, and now I listen to his music all the time.

Another note...Look for some kind of favorites, least favorites thing in the next couple of days. I've slowly been compiling a list in my head of things that caught my eye and things that made me do a double take. It's gonna be pretty broad spectrum of things covered, from artists to album, to events, and even things that I've experienced recently. All this means, it's gonna make no sense and should be something turns out worse then I can hope for.

All in all, a banner day for me.